Compostings (267)
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"Do you have a baseball bat I could borrow?"
"Sure. What do you want it for?"
"I want to use it on the next person who asks if it’s hot enough for me."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: whenever I come across a product that I particularly like, I’d better buy a few of them because whoever makes it will stop making it.
I’ve learned
1. Walking into a spider web is more effective than caffeine in increasing alertness.
2. When putting together ready-to-assemble furniture, allow ample time for frustration and disbelief.
3. Buy the biggest recliner you can find. You’ll grow into it.
The news from Hartland
Dogcatcher loses his job after catching the dog.
Residents notified of smoker moving into the neighborhood.
Local man lies about making $5,000 a month working from home and so can you.
Customer comments
John Beal of Faribault writes that his uncle, Clarence Beal of Milan, MN, had a skunk enter the basement through a window left open. A friend advised him to place a plank from the floor to the window so that the skunk would find its way out. After checking later to see if the plan had worked, he found there were two skunks in his basement.
Kenton Larson of Alden told of going to Bruzek Hardware in New Richland. He found the hammer handle he needed, but noticed that there were two price tags on the handle — one 10 cents higher than the other. Kenton inquired as to why the two prices. He learned that one was the price of the handle and the other was the price of the handle installed. Kenton had it installed.
Greg Spurr of New Richland has been battling an illness. Greg is tough and is winning the fight. It’s frightening to receive a harsh reminder of mortality. Kind-hearted Greg said he didn’t know where he was headed if he lost the battle, but he didn’t pack a winter coat.
Take me to your ladder
The wind had blown a few shingles from the roof of my house. Al Dirnberger said that he could fix that for me. He stopped by one day, ready to do the repairs. He didn’t have a ladder and a family member had borrowed mine. I lifted Al high enough that he could climb onto the roof. I told him he would have to stay up there until I found a ladder.
Andy Griffith
I knew Andy Griffith. He was a friend of mine. I never met him, but he and the residents of Mayberry were regular guests in my home. Andy was always welcome. Don’t that beat all.
Parade
I sat in the comforting shade of a tree and watched the world go by in the form of a parade. Some parade units moved by so quickly and so close to another that I feared it might have become a demolition derby parade. Others moved at a pace that permitted sizable gaps between units. The Gap should sponsor those. Horses are typically near the end of a parade for obvious reasons. My father claimed he liked politicians better than horses because politicians didn’t poop during parades. That’s usually the case. Many units threw candy. Some candy, tossed by someone not possessing a strong throwing arm, landed on a horse apple. That placement challenged the fervor of a child’s hankering for candy.
I’ve been reading
Stephen Hawking started A Brief History of Time with an anecdote. A well-known scientist gave a lecture on astronomy. He described the earth’s orbit around the sun and how the sun, in turn, orbits around the center of a vast collection of stars called our galaxy. At the lecture’s end, a lady said, "What you have told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the back of a giant turtle."
The scientist gave a superior smile before replying, "What is the turtle standing on?"
"You're very clever, young man," said the lady. "But it's turtles all the way down."
Nature notes
“Do birds taste their food?” Birds have taste buds, but in comparison with other animals, they have few. Therefore, their sense of taste is probably not as sharp as other animals. A chicken has 24 taste buds, a starling 200, a mallard 375, a human 9,000, and a pig 15,000.
“Does a duck’s quack echo?” It does. Not all ducks quack.
Chautauqua
Thanks to all the nice folks who took the time to say "hello" while I spoke and led a nature walk at Maplewood Park in Waseca.
Meeting adjourned
Kindness is just the tip of the niceberg.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I was just thinking about my father. Dad, if you’re up there, I’m thinking about you."
"I’m sorry, I didn’t know your father had died."
"Died? He’s a roofer."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: how is it possible to think the unthinkable?
I’ve learned
1. People on high horses get thrown.
2. I earn more money in a year than some professional athletes do in a day.
3. If I were stranded on an island and could bring only one thing, I’d bring a boat.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
The cafe and the barbershop were the places to go to become misinformed. My uncle Bill was a barber for 62 years. He wasn’t just a barber. He was an entertainer. He told stories as he cut my hair. The longer his story became, the shorter my hair became.
Sucrets
I had a Sucrets tin in my pocket and a lozenge in my mouth. I’d been yelling encouragement. The tin that the Sucrets came in was handy to have. In the 1950s, some of the British crown jewels were housed inside a Sucrets tin while Queen Elizabeth’s crown was reset. The Boy Scouts created survival kits that fit inside a tin. I used tins as storage containers for fishhooks and coins. I remembered reading about a medicine for sore throats used in this country before 1900. It was called “Frog in the Throat” and was supposed to cure hoarseness. In the 17th century, holding a live frog in a child’s mouth until the frog died was thought to be a cure for thrush (a fungal disease of the mouth). I didn’t have a frog, so I had a lozenge in my mouth as I called time and walked from the dugout to home plate.
It didn’t seem as though the umpire was giving my team the benefit of the doubt. To my prejudiced eye, every close call went in our opponents’ favor. I hated to complain, but the ump was killing us. I was the coach. I needed to do something. I visited with the ump and hinted that he should try calling the game the same way for both teams. The man in blue took my suggestion poorly. He snarled, “You’re just upset because we’re winning.”
Slidewalk
I walked the hallways of a giant building. I was on my way to give a talk somewhere in that complex structure. I walked on the right side of the hall. A woman walked toward me. She was on my side of the hall. Maybe she was from England. I moved to my left while at the same time, she moved to her right. I corrected my course and moved to my right just in time to meet her moving to her left. This slidewalk was a case of stranger dancing. It was a game of rock-paper-scissors in which both participants kept throwing paper. I stopped. She walked by. I wish driving a car was that easy.
A declined feline
The man from Idaho told me that he loved his home. I love where I live. He told me, for about an hour, how much he loved his home and that he never wanted to leave it again. After listening to him that long (he didn’t encourage questions or interactions of any kind), I never wanted him to leave his home again either.
Bob Frisk of New Richland told me of a traveling cat in his neighborhood. The cat was one of those that didn’t care to stay home. He had a route. Bob recounted the sad demise of this cat that had become flattened fauna on the road.
I thought I should say something proper and uplifting, so I said, "I’m sure that’s the way the cat would have wanted to go."
Nature notes
“Do earwigs pinch people?” An earwig has a flat, reddish brown body with a pair of pincers on the tip of its abdomen that it uses for defense. The myth behind its name is that it was thought that the insect crawled into the ears of sleeping humans to feast on brains. Not true. Some people say they pinch, but I’ve never experienced that while handling them. It they do pinch, it’s not much of a squeeze. They feed primarily on decaying vegetation but may take a bite of your broccoli, beans, strawberries, or zinnias. The damage could be confused with slug feeding. Slugs leave a slime trail and earwigs do not.
Meeting adjourned
Play the kind card.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"How do you want your eggs?"
"What difference does it make?"
"None to me."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: is a male black widow spider a black widower?
The cafe chronicles
The Burp N Belch Cafe sells a cheeseburger for $17,800. Get a free Ford Focus with each cheeseburger purchased.
I’ve learned
1. It takes me a while to realize that a parade has ended.
2. That lutefisk would be better if it were deep-fried.
3. That men know what clothing fits. What they don’t know is which clothes are dirty, wrinkled, or wrong.
Hot weather
Today, most people counter the attack of hot weather with air conditioning. Back in the day, folks had to fight the heat in other ways.
My mother sang Christmas songs on scorching days. She said the songs fooled the mind.
My father worked harder. He said that took his mind off the oppressive temperatures.
I tried both. I can’t say that either one worked, but singing was certainly the easiest.
The news from Hartland
Library opens tanning parlor so that the well-read could be well-red.
Sword swallower claims his stabbing was an inside job.
The Colonel Store (formerly the General Store) offers hi-deaf TV for people with hearing loss.
Changing times
I was at meeting. There were seven men sitting at my table. We were as rural as anyone is allowed to be. It was a meeting that caused people to check the time frequently. I’m not saying that it wasn’t an interesting meeting. It was just one that caused folks to think about the time. I noticed an odd thing on a hot day that brought shirt-sleeved men to the table — not one of the seven was wearing a wristwatch. These once dedicated wristwatch watchers checked the cellphones they had holstered like a cowboy’s six-shooters whenever the meeting encouraged looking.
For no apparent reason, this reminded me of another meeting.
“Excuse me,” said the stranger. “Do you have a cigarette?”
I don’t smoke, so I replied in the negative. I didn’t add a “sorry” because I thought that I might be doing him a favor by helping him to cut back on his smoking.
“Oh, then here’s one for you,” he said as he offered me a pack of a generic brand of cigarettes. He laughed.
I remember being in a class when a physician came to talk to us about the dangers of smoking. He painted a scary picture of blackened lungs and agonizing deaths. He quoted someone who said, “Fire on one end, fool on the other.”
I think his talk would have been more effective had we not seen him light a cigarette before getting into his car.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
Junior high shop class was situated in a large room filled with demonic devices. A young man passed the class if he didn’t lose a finger while operating one of those satanic machines. No, that’s not right. A boy passed the class if he didn’t lose all his fingers.
Curse of the cursive
I didn’t get good marks in penmanship in school. The problem was that I did my homework while on a long bus trip to school. The only reason I put off doing my homework to the last moment was that I couldn’t put it off any longer than that. The bus spent most of its time traveling washboard gravel roads featuring potholes. It is difficult writing legibly while your desk is bumping down a road. That is why my penmanship was never up to the standards set by my teachers.
Nature notes
“Do you own a bug zapper?” No. Countless studies have proven that they aren’t effective in attracting mosquitoes, let alone killing them. They kill many beneficial insects. I wave the mosquitoes away with my hand. I believe in sensible shoos.
“Why do woodpeckers peck on my house?” Woodpeckers hammer on houses for three reasons. To proclaim territory, to excavate a nest or roost hole, or to feed on insects living in the siding. The Cornell Lab of Ornithology tested six common deterrents. The methods tested were life-sized plastic owls, reflective streamers, plastic eyes on fishing line, roost boxes, suet feeders, and a sound system that broadcasted woodpecker distress calls and hawk calls. Only the streamers worked with any consistency.
Happy anniversary
Congratulations to Farmers State Bank, the best bank in Hartland, on its 100 years in existence. It doesn’t look a day over 99.
Meeting adjourned
In Hebrews, it says, “Don't forget to be kind to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it.”
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I wrote a joke."
"O.K., let’s hear it?"
"Knock, knock."
"Who’s there?"
"I don’t know. I haven’t written the ending yet."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: sliced bread is the greatest thing since unsliced bread.
I’ve learned
1. Whenever someone says, "Don’t take this the wrong way," there is only one way to take it.
2. Whenever anyone asks you, "May I be perfectly honest with you?" answer, "No."
3. Dandelions are like TV celebrities — beautiful from a distance.
Cellphone chronicles
I was minding someone else’s business. It was impossible not to. People were loud-talking into their cellphones. The cell signal was not always a good one. I know because a number of smartphone owners were overheard saying, "Stupid phone!"
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
I loved riding a bicycle when I was a boy. It was a bad bike, but it had two wheels and handlebars — actually, it had no handlebars. It had a truck steering wheel instead. The bicycle had been on sale in a pile of junk at a neighbor’s place. Nobody teased me much about having a steering wheel. However, if I'd had worn a helmet as many bikers do today, that helmet would have become a target for every rock thrower.
Booing Harmon
Everyone calls my neighbor Misses. That’s not his real name. He got the nickname because of his lack of prowess in hitting a baseball.
Misses used to be in the corporate world. He held meetings. He realized that the only things most of his employees wanted out of a meeting were the sweet rolls, coffee, and to know how long the meeting was going to last. It got him down, but corporate required that he hold meetings.
One Saturday, he went to the old Met Stadium to see the Minnesota Twins play. In the bottom of the ninth, with the Twins trailing by a run, Harmon Killebrew came to bat with two out and two runners on base. Harmon was a hero. He was the Paul Bunyan of baseball. This time, Harmon struck out. There were scattered boos. Some people booed Harmon Killebrew.
Misses decided that the few people who would boo Killebrew were the same kind of people who disliked his meetings. Even Harmon Killebrew couldn’t please everyone.
She’s hip
Elsa Thompson of Marietta, Ohio got a new hip. That’s a common refrain. We hear often that someone "got a new hip." We get new hips as previous generations got false teeth. I was glad to hear that Elsa was doing well and I asked her son, Bill, when she had had the procedure. Bill said that it hadn’t been long because his mother still had that new hip smell.
A sign of the times
I saw an old metal chair set alongside a road in North Dakota. Nearby was a hand painted sign reading, "Rest area."
I remember mother
Stephen Ingraham of Kennebunk, Maine told me that a skunk had found entry to the basement of his parents’ old house and had sought shelter in the clothes dryer. Stephen’s mother wasn’t one to waste time. She shot the skunk with a .22 rifle. She put one hole in the skunk and another in the back of the clothes dryer. She also put a stink in the family’s laundry for weeks.
The telephone rang and Betty answered
Betty Fulton of Alden said that she received a call from a charity looking for people to donate clothing to starving women. Betty told the caller that any woman who could fit into Betty’s clothing was not starving.
The no-hitter
Jeff Paulson of Hartland was talking about his baseball career. He said that he used to be a starting pitcher. He added, “Of course, that was in T-ball.” Jeff’s that rare pitcher who could honestly claim that he never allowed a single hit in all the games he pitched. Jeff’s record makes Justin Verlander look like a mere beginner.
Nature notes
“Are all birds protected by law even if they are not an endangered species?” Yes. The Migratory Bird Treaty Act of 1918 protects all native birds in the U.S. Some birds are subject to hunting seasons, but only non-native birds such as starlings, rock pigeons, and house sparrows receive no protection.
“Can birds choke on peanut butter?” There is no documented evidence of that happening.
Meeting adjourned
I was driving down I-94 in North Dakota when I spotted a large billboard that had a two-word message, “Be kind.”
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club meeting
"What is this?"
"It’s oatmeal."
"I ordered pancakes."
"I know, but you can’t always get what you want."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: dinosaurs thought they were too big to fail.
I’ve learned
1. Studies have shown that researchers have too much time on their hands.
2. If you don’t learn from history, you are doomed to repeat the class.
3. A careful driver is one who slows down when he sees another pulled over by a police officer.
Talking baseball
Rod Searle of Waseca told me that he saw Babe Ruth hit a home run at Shibe Park in Philadelphia. Rod shared an interesting thing said by Halsey Hall, the former Twins announcer. Halsey said that if a pitcher strikes out the first batter to start a game, that pitcher wouldn’t win the game. I’ll never see Babe Ruth hit a home run at Shibe Park, but I’ll be keeping an eye on that first batter.
Dave Smith researched MLB records from 1930 to 2003. He found that teams that entered the ninth inning with leads won 95 percent of the time.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
We climbed into the man’s truck to head to the field. The vehicle had a knob on the steering wheel. We rode on the open tailgate of the pickup truck. One child rode inside the cab. He was the only one of us kids older than the truck. I know that some of you think that riding on the tailgate was dangerous. It would have been for the average kid, but the man had taught us the tuck and roll.
Devils Lake
Clarence Holm of Delano and I were discussing Devils Lake in North Dakota. Clarence said that some of the best fishing spots on that lake are where the expanding water had covered roads. I visited Devils Lake, a gigantic lake that has expanded enough the last 20 years to swallow 164,000 acres of farmland. The impetuous lake caused roads to disappear and instigated buyouts of two towns (Penn and Churchs Ferry). Devils Lake is part of what was Lake Agassiz, a glacial lake larger than the five Great Lakes combined. Since 1992, Devils Lake has risen more than 29 feet and grown from 69 square miles to 285. While this has caused tremendous problems for the citizens of the area, it has been a blessing for fishermen. The high water created thousands of acres of habitat for fish. Flooded buildings, farm equipment, rock piles, and roadbeds provide homes for game fish.
I drove alongside Devils Lake on soft roads that were underwater in spots. Wind-driven lake water splashed my windshield. A football field had become part of the lake. Fishing boats rode waves that had once been waves of grain.
Pitching
I pitched chicken waste out the window of the henhouse into a manure spreader. Later, the manure spreader was used to spread the manure onto a farm field. Makes sense, doesn’t it? Cleaning the henhouse was a dreadful job. The ammonia in the henhouse was so thick that it was like walking into a gigantic bottle of Mr. Clean. The ammonia made my eyes run, my nose run — even my ears ran.
I pitched so much stuff out the window of that henhouse that I could barely maintain a hold on the pitchfork.
Major League Baseball concerns itself with the pitch counts of its hurlers.
My father didn’t give a rip as to what my pitch count was.
Nature notes
Red foxes favor cultivated fields, meadows, brushy fence lines, woody riparian regions, and shrubby places. They resemble small, slender dogs. Fox size is generally overestimated because the fur masks a slight bone structure. Red foxes are red with the face, top of head, and neck showing yellow or orange. The tail is reddish-black with a white tip. The sides of the ears, lower legs, and feet are dark, while the chest, belly, and insides of the ears are creamy white. Gray foxes prefer brushy or forested habitats and are skilled tree climbers. It’s confused with the red fox because the gray has rusty-red fur on its ears and neck. It’s gray with the darkest color extending along the back to the end of the tail. The belly, throat, and chest are whitish. A gray fox appears smaller than a red fox because of shorter legs and stockier body. Compared to red foxes, grays have shorter muzzles and ears.
Meeting adjourned
Be kind to people you don’t like.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“You shouldn’t wipe your mouth on your sleeve.”
“I wasn’t.”
“Then what were you doing?”
“I was licking the gravy off my sleeve.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if I don’t get what I want soon, I’ll have to start wanting something else.
I've learned
1. If I want to appear smart while being stupid, I shouldn’t ask any questions.
2. Charity begins at home — at about six o’clock when they call to interrupt dinner.
3. It’s an antique if you can’t put it back where you found it because that place no longer exists.
Cafe chronicles
I stopped at a small town café — one with enticing specials. It’s my favorite kind of eating place. The smiling waitress approached my table with her order pad at ready. “May I help you?” she asked.
"How is your cherry pie?" I asked in return.
Her smile broadened as she replied, "It’s better. Thanks for asking."
Singing in the choir
I was at a Danish Sisterhood/Brotherhood banquet in Dike, Iowa. I visited with a woman there who was an avid choir member. She gave me one of those choir secrets known only to the inner circle. She told me that if I’m ever singing a song that I don’t know the words to or am having difficulty singing a certain song, I should mouth the word "watermelon" over and over. That would make it appear that I was singing just like the rest of the group. They sang a song in Danish while I was there. I sang along enthusiastically by mouthing the word "watermelon" repeatedly.
From the road
Roger Batt of Algona tells me he has a friend who says that the driver ahead of him who is barely exceeding the speed limit is "Going too slow over the speed limit."
A red car passed me as if I were backing up. I figured he was low on fuel and was trying to reach a gas station before he ran out. Not long after that, I pulled into a gas station. Parked nearby was the red car that had zoomed by me. A bumper sticker on the red car read, "I drive too fast to worry about cholesterol."
My mother never drove that fast.
“Every time I wash my car, it rains,” I’ve heard it said. My mother backed the car out of the shed when it rained. She washed her vehicle the natural way. She left the lawn sprinkling to the dog.
She said, “Every time it rains, I wash my car.”
The T-shirt read
Pastor Dennis Frank of Hartland spotted a man wearing a T-shirt reading, "I yell because I care." He wondered aloud what such a message could mean.
Jill Morstad of Albert Lea suggested that the man might have been a parent. I hoped it meant that he was a cheerleader.
Tick, tick, tick
Ticks are arachnids like scorpions, spiders, chiggers, and mites. Ticks wait on the tips of grasses and shrubs. When brushed by an animal or human, a tick lets go of the plant and climbs onto the host. Ticks do not fly or jump, they only crawl. Ticks do not scale trees and drop down on humans and animals.
Nature notes
I was sitting on the sidewalk across the street from a commercial enterprise. I was watching a smokestack at dusk. That’s odd behavior even for an odd fellow like me. I was waiting for chimney swifts to go to roost. Appearing to be "flying cigars," the swifts twittered overhead as they captured flying insects. Swifts fly constantly except when at the nest or roosting at night. The swift bathes in flight. It flutters to water, strikes the surface with its body, and shakes the water from its feathers in flight. The chimney swift’s nest is a half-saucer of small twigs held together with saliva and glued by saliva to the inside wall of a chimney.
As I kept an eagle eye out for swifts above the smokestack, a man walked near. He had the look of a curious cat. He asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was waiting for small birds to fly down a chimney. I added that they weren’t feathered Santas, but they were a gift. He gave me a sympathetic smile and said, “Well, good luck with that,” before walking away, shaking his head.
I watched 150 chimney swifts zoom into that smokestack.
Meeting adjourned
Don’t just be kind. Be kinder.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club meeting
"I finally got my credit card balance down."
"You paid it off?"
"No, but I got it down to where I can afford to make the minimum payment."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: some things bother me for no reason other than they bother me.
I’ve learned
1. That even if I do nothing, something will happen.
2. If a name can be mispronounced, it will be.
3. To err is human. To blame it on somebody else is political.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
I had a scraped knee.
When I was a small boy, I always had a scraped knee. That was the way I rolled. The only way I could have scraped more knees would have been to have three knees.
When I had a scraped knee, my mother fetched a small brown bottle with a glass dropper. It was Merthiolate. This tincture was battery acid on fire. It colored the skin an odd reddish-brown color that youngsters wore as a badge of honor for surviving a cleansing by Merthiolate. It was up for debate as to whether the stuff was a remedy or a punishment.
Mother applied the nasty solution to my damaged flesh while saying, "This will help."
She said it so calmly that I almost forgot my injury. Almost.
An instant of silence was followed by my bloodcurdling screams.
My mother added, "That means it’s working."
Tale of the telemarketer
I don’t respond to telephone solicitation from strangers, but telemarketers refuse to give up on me. A cheerful professional fundraiser called me the recently. I thanked him for calling. There was no reason to be impolite. Before he could get into his pitch of asking for money, I asked him for a donation for a building recently erected at our county fairgrounds. I’d barely begun to extol the virtues of the new building when the man hung up on me. Go figure.
Vin Scully and the low fuel light
I listened to the Los Angeles Dodgers play baseball. I’m not a fan of the Dodgers. I’m a fan of the team’s play-by-play announcer, Vin Scully. He says things like, "Andre Dawson has a bruised knee and is listed as day-to-day. Aren't we all?" Scully provides a simplistic description of the game accompanied by delightful stories. Scully has been a broadcaster for 63 years. He could read a menu and make it riveting. I listened to Scully until the low fuel indicator light came on in my car and I stopped for gas.
My wife accuses me of not filling the gas tank of my car until the low fuel warning light is glowing like the setting sun. She accuses me of that only because it's true. I have reason for my actions. I picture a man in the auto plant whose entire job it is to make sure that each low fuel light works as it should. I respect that man's work. I want him to keep his job. I care.
Pyramids
I’ve been to Israel. That’s the closest I’ve come to visiting Egypt. I would love to see a pyramid. The nearest I’ve come to seeing a pyramid was while I lived next door to a family of Great Danes. Half of them were named Marmaduke and the other half Scooby-Doo. They were free-range dogs and of a size ample enough that my young son called them deer. The big canines used my lawn as a restroom. They didn’t do much resting, preferring to spend their time fertilizing the grass, dandelions, clover, and plantain. I understood the dogs’ actions. Everyone has to go. Their leavings were large — the closest things to a pyramid I’ve ever seen. The dogs were gifted.
Nature notes
A dust devil is a whirlwind of air into which dust and debris are caught up, making it visible. Most dust devils are 10 to 50 feet in diameter and usually don’t extend more than 100 feet into the air. They are generally seen during relatively dry conditions, when sunlight provides strong heating of the surface and winds are light. Dust devils form when hot air near the surface rises quickly through a small pocket of cooler, low-pressure air above it. If conditions are right, the air rotates.
Eastern screech owls eat large insects like moths, grasshoppers, and small rodents like mice. They eat songbirds, including starlings, but the starling regularly displaces the owl from nesting sites.
Pelican Breeze
Please cruise Albert Lea Lake with me on June 2, July 7, or August 25. Call 377-4370.
Meeting adjourned
A kind word is natural and chemical-free.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"People have lost the ability to do nothing."
"It seems to come easy for you."
"The great ones make it look effortless."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: money talks, but debt has an echo.
The natural way
A mosquito bit me.
I didn’t turn into a mosquito. Things like that happen. Apparently, if a vampire bites you, you become a vampire.
I’d like to be bitten by a billionaire.
I was paddling the Missouri River in Montana when a beaver attacked my canoe. I saw the beaver near the edge of the river and decided to have a closer look. That proved to be a bad idea. The beaver came at me as though I’d said something bad about its momma. I curled into a ball as if I were about to be mugged by a bear. It made paddling difficult. The beaver interpreted my actions correctly as a complete surrender and swam off to pick on someone its own size. The river was uphill the rest of that day. I camped after being attacked by mosquito and beaver. I watched as a rattlesnake slithered past my tent. Dave Barry said that camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel industry.
Hotel hilarity
I checked into a hotel in Indiana. It was a few minutes past 7 in the evening. My schedule allowed me to sleep late in the morning, so I asked for a 7 o’clock wake-up call. "You just missed it," said the smiling hotel clerk.
Not long after that, I was staying in a fine hotel in Kentucky. I wanted to go birding in the morning, so I requested a wake-up call for 5 a.m.
The phone rang in the middle of a dream. I flailed about in the darkness until I located the telephone.
"Good morning, it’s 3 a.m.," said a perky voice.
My brain had not yet become fully engaged, so I hung up the phone.
At 3:30 a.m., the phone rang again. The hotel desk clerk had called back to apologize for the 3 a.m. wake-up call.
Greetings
Russ Wangen of Austin told me that he’d encountered a friend who greeted him with a, "Fine."
Russ asked, "How are you?" in return.
The order didn’t matter.
Volunteers volunteer
Lee Brickson of Albert Lea is with the Salvation Army. She said that volunteers can be difficult. When she was producing an appreciation banquet for Salvation Army volunteers, the volunteers that were being appreciated insisted on offering to help set things up for their own appreciation banquet. Good folks insist on helping those who are trying to help them.
Norwegians
Pastor David Hernes of Albert Lea got me the other day. He told me that there are only two kinds of people in the world. He said, "Those who are Norwegian..."
I was sure he was going to add, "…and those who wish they were."
David didn’t say that. What he said was, "…and those who are glad they aren’t."
He got me.
Account from Alaska
I was in Alaska. I couldn’t see either nowhere or Russia from where I was, but it was remote. I stopped at a way station called Meier's Lake. It was a gas station, café, grocery store, and post office combination. I searched the shelves for foodstuffs. Most everything had gone well past its best-used-by date. Most of the shelved items were old enough to vote. I moved to the lunch counter and found a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the menu. The charge for the sandwich was $67.50. The price was high because the cook didn't like making one.
Nature notes
Before leaving the warm waters of the south where they spend the winter, American white pelican adults develop a nuptial tubercle (horny knob) on their bills. The fibrous bumps are believed to serve a twofold purpose. They signal members of the opposite sex that the birds are in the market for a mate and they serve as a target for other adults during fights over territories. Battling pelicans of breeding age aim their bills at these knobs and not other parts of the head that could cause great injury. Once eggs are laid, the knobs fall off. American white pelicans generally reach sexual maturity at three years, so younger birds wouldn’t have the tubercles.
Meeting adjourned
Ruth Smeltzer wrote, “You have not lived a perfect day, unless you have done something for someone who will never be able to repay you.”
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I was just in Des Moines."
"I’ve never been to Wisconsin."
"Or, apparently, in a geography class."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if you have to ask how much gas costs, you can’t afford it.
I’ve learned
1. It takes people longer to leave a parking space when an automobile is waiting for it.
2. Many drivers of rural roads have the philosophy, "No cop, no stop."
3. That one of the least popular tattoos is, “Ask me about my grandchildren.”
In the barbershop
I sat in a barbershop where the only thing the barber guaranteed was that a customer’s hair would be shorter than it was before he got a haircut. We talked about a friend who was suffering from a devil called dementia and had reached the point where even his name was unfamiliar to him. By a quick vote, it was decided that if one of us ever got to the point where he couldn’t remember his name, because of where we live, Johnson would be a good guess.
I talked with a farmer. We talked of various things — mostly farm-related. We had a henhouse filled with leghorns that were prolific layers of white eggs. Heavy hens that typically became chicken dinners, such as Rhode Island Reds, produced spectacularly brown eggs. I found them more beautiful than the white eggs. One year, I bought some Araucanas from Murray McMurray Hatchery. They laid lovely blue eggs. Talk about eggcitement!
He told me that he milked 300 cows. I responded that even with modern technology, it must take him a long time to milk that many cows.
"It does. It takes an incredibly long time," he replied, "but what is time to a cow?"
I can almost taste the radish sandwich
The man from Rochester told me he lived next door to an avid gardener. The neighbor takes pride in having the first vegetables in the neighborhood. His tomatoes are always the first to the table. The neighbor told everyone he had planted his radishes early this year. The man from Rochester bought some radishes at the local supermarket. He waited for the neighbor to leave home. The man from Rochester pushed the store-bought radishes into the ground where the neighbor had planted the radishes. It was a very early crop.
Peanut butter in the what?
There was peanut butter in the toaster.
I knew because my wife told me. She likes me to keep up with current events.
She didn’t say it in so many words, but I think she was accusing me of putting peanut butter on my bread before putting it into the toaster.
Has anyone ever done that? At least anyone over the age of six?
I have never been busy or dizzy enough to make that mistake — yet.
Dandelions
I watched a rabbit eat a dandelion. I watched a groundhog eat many dandelions. I’ve eaten dandelions through the years. Not bad. The dandelion is rich in vitamins A, B complex, C, D, iron, potassium, and zinc. I’ve enjoyed the free vegetable by eating newly emerged leaves in salads and on sandwiches. The plant is named for its lance-shaped leaves. Dents-de-lion means “the lion’s tooth” in Old French. The Rolling Stones sang, “Dandelion don’t tell no lies. Dandelions will make you wise. Tell me if she laughs or cries. Blow away dandelion, blow away dandelion.” Children and newspaper columnists from Hartland, Minnesota have always been fascinated with dandelions. A legend says that if you blow on the downy seed head of a dandelion and all the seeds blow away, your wish will come true. Another says that the number of puffs it takes to blow all the seeds off the fluffy head of the dandelion indicates the time of the day.
Nature notes
“How long does it take a Baltimore oriole to build a nest?” The average time for the female to weave a nest is four to eight days. She builds a new nest each year, often in the same tree used in the past. If you put out string or yarn for nest building, make the approximately six inches long.
“Why are warblers called warblers?” Most likely because they vaguely reminded Europeans of the tiny birds they called “warblers,” the Old World Warblers to which our gnatcatchers are related.
Meeting adjourned
A kind word takes but a second to say and forget, but to someone who needed it, it can last a lifetime.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“I’ve been trying to lose weight by doing pushups on that slippery tile floor in my house.”
“How much have you lost?”
“Four.”
“Pounds?”
“Teeth.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if you think you might be lost, you are.
I’ve learned
1. Long-range weather forecasts are accurate for up to an hour.
2. There are lumps in everything.
3. With the abundance of cellphones with cameras, a picture is now worth only 100 words.
The basement bee
A bee — neither a borrower nor lender bee — was in our basement. I couldn’t understand what it said, but it wasn’t a mumble bee. It was a bumblebee droning along in search of an exit. The bee was lost and confused. I understood. If you haven’t spent half your life being confused, you’re not normal. I wanted to give the bee its freedom. I didn’t want to hurt the bumblebee because I like bees. I didn’t want the bee to hurt me because I like me. Stinging is in the hand of a bee holder. I captured the bumblebee in a jar and released it outside.
School daze
I’d learned that if it looked level, it was good enough for me. Good enough seldom is. There was nothing left for me to do but to apply more sandpaper to the wood. I kept sanding. I was supposed to be making a lamp that would become a cherished family heirloom passed from generation to generation. People not yet born would one day stare at my amazing creation and say profound things like, “That lamp makes a powerful statement. I can sense the numen.” I was in junior high wood shop class. I persisted in my rigorous sanding until my priceless heirloom was reduced to a shoddy toothpick. It wasn’t my teacher’s fault. He was knowledgeable (a primitive form of Google) and patient, but he was missing the last joint of one finger. I found that off-putting. It bothered me enough that my grade wasn’t sparkling. All I was good at was sanding and I was too good at that. It wasn’t all my fault. My instructor graded on a curve. There were carpenter ants in the shop room. I was competing against professionals.
My neighbor
My neighbor Gnarly has lived here all his life. He remembers when our dark nights were a darker dark and he claims that he has heard every lie ever told in the Township. Gnarly has a farmette — 12 acres with critters. For years, whenever he'd stub his toe or hit his thumb with a hammer, Gnarly used his Social Security number as an expletive. He doesn't believe in swearing and found that the long number served well as a replacement for cursing. Besides, remembering his Social Security number kept his mind sharp.
Gnarly had to quit doing that. He worried about identity theft. He chewed tobacco most of his life. He gave it up at the same time he quit using his Social Security number as a cussword. The two seemed to go together.
His dog had chewed tobacco, too. Deprived of that pleasure, the dog chewed up one of Gnarly’s church shoes. Gnarly's a frugal fellow. He took the gnawed wingtip to a shoe repair shop in the hopes of saving his footwear investment. He put the shoe on the counter and said, "My dog did this." The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and put it down on the counter.
"Well, what do you recommend?" Gnarly asked.
The cobbler replied, "The best thing you could do would be to give your dog the other shoe, too."
Nature notes
“I found a baby bird. What should I do?” It’s common for chicks to venture from their nest before they are capable of flight. Some fall, some jump. The parents care for them during that time. If the young bird is in imminent danger, such as from a cat, move the bird to nearby shrubbery or another safer place. It’s a myth that parent birds will abandon a baby if you touch it and they smell your scent on it.
“Where are the goldfinches?” Goldfinches come and go from feeders according to the availability of wild food. Dandelions provide some of the first wild seeds for goldfinches. The nomadic birds will return to grace your feeders.
Meeting adjourned
Sometimes having a good day comes from not ruining it or others. Be kind.
More...
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“I’d ask you to sit down if it weren’t for one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“You might do it.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: the automobile has become a phone booth.
I’ve learned
1. That for many people, the phone is the least important part of a cellphone.
2. When I wear my glasses, everything I see is an optical illusion.
3. My shoestrings usually last longer than my shoes.
Eating out—way out
I led a tour for a large group of fine folks on a cruise ship. On a cruise, you can eat before early and after late. A cruise is a county fair on water. Eating goes into cruise control with little or no control. We were enjoying a delicious and massive breakfast when I heard myself say, "Hurry up. We need to finish breakfast in time for lunch."
A kind, caring man
Don Meyer of Hartland told me that he and his wife, Ona, each have a lawn mower. The his and hers lawn mowers are similar machines. The major difference between the two is that Don keeps gas in his wife’s lawn mower.
Did you know?
A report by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development found that Danish people are the happiest among those in the 40 countries studied. Citizens of Canada, Norway, Switzerland, Sweden, The Netherlands, Australia, Israel, Finland, Ireland, Austria, and the United States followed in that order. China and Hungary reported the lowest overall life satisfaction.
According to the National Climatic Data Center, here are the most thunderstorm prone cities in the U.S., along with their average number of annual storms: 1. Fort Myers, Florida – 89; 2. Tampa, Florida – 87; 3. Tallahassee, Florida – 83; 4. Gainesville, Florida – 81; 5. Orlando, Florida – 80; 6. Mobile, Alabama – 79; 7. West Palm Beach, Florida – 79; 8. Lake Charles, Louisiana – 76; 9. Daytona Beach, Florida – 75; 10. Vero Beach, Florida – 75
A national survey by Visa showed that American families spend an average of $1,078 each on a prom, a 33.6% boost over the $807 spent in 2011.
Midwestern families, cheaper or wiser, spend an average of $696.
Men’s Health tabulated the rate of fatal car crashes; the percentage of fatalities involving alcohol, speeding, or hit and run; the rate of seatbelt use; the average number of years between accidents; and laws on cell phone use while driving to determine the 10 cities with the “Most Dangerous Drivers.”
1. St. Louis; 2. Dallas; 3. Charleston, WV; 4. Houston 5. Billings; 6. Providence; 7. Columbia, SC; 8. Durham; 9. Orlando; 10. Austin, TX
The Least Dangerous Drivers were 1. St. Paul; 2. Lincoln; 3. Boston; 4. Buffalo; 5. Reno; 6. Fort Wayne; 7. New York City; 8. Chesapeake, VA; 9. Madison; 10. Aurora, CO.
The Pronto Pup was introduced at the Minnesota State Fair in 1947. Each cost 10 cents. The original recipe meant for it to be eaten plain or with mustard.
Nature notes
“Do earthworms come to the surface after heavy rains to avoid drowning?” No, they come to the surface during rains (especially in the spring) so they can travel overland. The wet conditions give worms an opportunity to move to new places. Since worms breathe through their skin, that skin must stay wet in order for the oxygen to pass through it. Rain and high humidity allow earthworms to move without dehydrating. Earthworms can survive for several weeks under water, providing there is sufficient oxygen in the water.
“What can I do to keep grackles from dominating my feeders?” Common grackles are common in yards. Our yards are made for the lifestyle of a grackle. They eat like a bird--voraciously. They prefer seed offered on platform feeders or scattered on the ground. They find tube feeders, especially those with short perches, less to their liking. Perches can be trimmed so that only small birds can find footing. A feeder could be enclosed by a wire cage that allows smaller birds entry while excluding grackles. This could be a do-it-yourself project or a commercial feeder. A thistle feeder attracts goldfinches instead of grackles. Some feeders are equipped with mechanisms that close feeding ports when larger birds or squirrels get on them. Safflower is not a grackle’s favorite food. Cheap seed mixes attract grackles.
From the mailbag
Ric McArthur of Ontario writes, "If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem."
Meeting adjourned
Be kind. There are people who would love to have your bad days.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"What are you so grumpy about?"
"Paying my taxes."
"Didn’t you pay them on time?"
"I paid them early, but it takes me a long time to get over being grumpy about it."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: where is a fool and his money when I need him?
I've learned
1. That if I’m going to procrastinate, I’d better do it now.
2. That when tornado sirens sound, everyone should run in different directions. That way, the tornado won’t be able to get everyone.
3. Thinner TVs do not lead to thinner TV viewers.
The Tooth Fairy has a lot of expenses
My young son had just lost a tooth. He placed it under his pillow. My wife reminded me to put a dollar in its place during the night.
She woke me on the east side of midnight to ask if I had put the money under the pillow. I had forgotten. I staggered from bed and felt about the top of my dresser in search of my wallet. I pulled a bill from it and, only half awake, sneaked into my son’s room. I placed the bill under the pillow and took the free-range tooth in return.
The next morning, as I dressed for work, I discovered that I had placed a $20 bill under his pillow.
My son was elated. So much so, that I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the Tooth Fairy expected change back.
I hid all the pliers I owned. I was afraid my son would would to pull another $20 tooth.
It had been dry
A friend reminded me of an old saying, "Plant in the mud, the crop’s a dud. Plant in the dust, the bins will bust." I’ve heard that often, but had forgotten about it. I forget a thing like that and then it hits me just like something in gym class. My junior high phy ed class began the same way each day. The teacher tossed a volleyball in our direction and told us to throw it at someone. We did. We learned that ducking and dodging are great life skills. Every class, someone said, "I was wondering why the volleyball was getting bigger, and then it hit me."
The basketball diaries
I watched a loved one play basketball. Her team defeated a squad much larger than them in both physical size and school enrollment to qualify for a state tournament. The loved one, a granddaughter named Joey, had four fouls in the game. Her grandmother, who doubles as my wife, fretted a bit about the fouls. I look at fouls in a basketball game like this. You get five fouls a game. You can’t save them or carry them over to the next game. Using up four fouls each game is a sensible allocation of a resource. What you don’t use, you lose.
Cooking up a dorm
When I lived in a crummy room so small that I needed to step into the hallway to change my mind, I wasn’t supposed to do any cooking. It wasn’t much of a problem as I wasn’t much of a cook, but I felt a need to eat and to eat cheaply. I found a way. I buttered two slices of Wonder Bread. I put the slices on aluminum foil or waxed paper with the buttered sides down. I placed a slice of Velveeta cheese on one piece of bread, covered it with the other slice, and wrapped it all in the foil or waxed paper. I used a clothes iron on its highest setting to press a grilled cheese sandwich. I ran the iron over the combination for about a minute before repeating the ironing on the flip side. I also made edible grilled peanut butter sandwiches. It might not have been the safest thing to do, but then neither was eating my own cooking.
Talking to the Holstein
I was talking to the Holstein the other day. The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. I’ve spent a lot of time around cows, but there is something about a guy that makes him want to say "moo" when he sees a cow. "Moo," I said.
The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, "I was just going to say that."
Meeting adjourned
“If you have not often felt the joy of doing a kind act, you have neglected much, and most of all yourself.”—A. Neilen
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“What are you doing?”
“I’m taking a break.”
“From what? You haven’t done a thing all day.”
“It’s hard work doing what I don’t do.”
I’ve learned
1. Some people live in the past because gas is cheaper there.
2. A sneeze is always aimed achoo.
3. I once was able to tell the make, model, and year of a car at a glance. Now I can’t tell which way a car is headed.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: a bucket list used to consist of fried chicken.
Voting on the way to the dump
It was back in the days before anyone could say, "That must be out by Walmart" and before anyone watched Antiques Roadshow. We took old stuff to the dump.
That’s what we were doing. I was helping my father spruce things up around the farm before winter. We talked about the upcoming presidential election of 1972. I knew for whom my father was voting. It would be Richard Nixon. There was no need to ask. My father couldn’t say "Democrats" without putting "those" in front.
He, however, felt the need to ask me for whom I was voting.
I tended to favor South Dakota candidates over those from California, so I said, "George McGovern."
My father suggested that we haul my vote to the dump.
Cafe chronicles
My stomach pressed against my back. It was time to loosen the purse strings and have my clothes tightened. I needed food. Any cafe with a roof and a table is good, but sometimes I like to eat in a fancy restaurant. You know the kind, the places with napkins. Where all you can get for $10 is directions to the exit. The kind of place that offers diet meals like brief stew and where when the server says, “Your food will be coming right up,” you know how she means that.
I ordered a piece of cake with ice cream in a snazzy restaurant. It wasn’t the kind of eatery where I overhear things like, “I have a doctor’s appointment later today anyway, so I might as well eat here.” I would have rather had pie, but the pie had been too popular and sold out. The cake was good, but not as good as the cake my grandma made. My mother told me that she could never make cake quite like my grandmother's. I asked Mom for the recipe. She told it to me the same way her mother-in-law had told it to her. It was a pinch of this and a smoosh of that. I decided to make the cake while mother was gone visiting. I wanted to surprise her when she got home, but I surprised myself, too. The cake was awful. I must have pinched when I should have smooshed.
Watching all
I watched a junior high baseball game on a spring day following the winter that wasn’t. A man seated next to me had come to watch his son play and he brought a younger son with him. The younger boy was playing games on some sort of electronic device while trying to watch his brother play ball.
"That was a nice double play," said the father.
"Why?" asked the boy without lifting his eyes from the video game.
"The second baseman gave the ball to the shortstop in the perfect place," added the father.
"Why?" asked his son.
"Because that made it easy for the shortstop to throw the ball to first base," said the dad, demonstrating much patience.
"Why?" asked the boy, showing remarkable consistency, as he continued to press game buttons.
It occurred to me, an innocent bystander, that the boy was multi-tasking while multi-asking.
Did you know?
A bag of seed corn has about 80,000 kernels.
According to a Gallup survey, Mississippi is the most religious of states. Vermont and New Hampshire are the least religious.
Nature notes
“I see yellow-rumped warblers much earlier than any other warbler. How do they survive in the cold without insects to eat?” This tiny bird, nicknamed “butter-butt” is omnivorous. People regularly report seeing yellow-rumps feeding at suet feeders and eating the seeds of last year’s flowers. The yellow-rumped warbler winters farther north than any other warbler. It has a slightly stouter bill and a digestive system unique amongst warblers that allows it to eat the waxy berries of such plants as bayberry, poison ivy, juniper, and cedar.
Meeting adjourned
A kind word is a warm blanket on a cold night.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club meeting
"If you don’t pay me more money, you’re going to have to find someone else to do this job."
"You don’t do your job."
"That’s true, but you’ll never find anyone who will do the job cheaper than I don’t do it."
I’ve learned
1. Everyone but me has a coupon.
2. I see more paper adults than paperboys.
3. All drivers think they have the right-of-way.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if you’re living the dream, you might be asleep.
Venus flytrap
Whenever I got a new ballpoint pen for school, the first thing I did was to take the pen apart. I'm not sure why I did that. I knew how the pen worked. I put it back together and practiced my bad penmanship.
Occasionally, I took a break from dismantling pens to study. Or at least to pretend to study. I held a schoolbook so it appeared that I was studying. What I was doing was reading a comic book that laid flat upon my lap. My attention was drawn to an ad in the comic book that read, "Discover the hidden secrets of nature’s most exotic and mysterious house plant! The Venus Fly Trap. See how it lures, traps, eats and digests insects up to 20 times it’s (yes, it said ”it’s" instead of ”its,” but that’s an easy mistake to make and it was in a comic book) size. Learn how you can actually train it with a pencil to perform only for you. Feed it raw hamburger from your hand. Experiment with it at home or school."
It was only $1 plus 30 cents for postage and handling. That was only $1.30 more than I had, but they had made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. I’d always wanted a Venus flytrap. School was ending or I’d have set the plant upon that mystery meat that we’d had for lunch. We had a farm covered in animal exhaust and an abundance of flies. My Venus flytrap would need to go on a diet after eating so many flying insects. I’d decided to make a concerted effort to scrape up $1.30. I was so sure that could be done that I’d come up with a name for the plant — Vinnie.
My father had gone to a creamery meeting. I wish he’d have sent one of the dairy cows as his proxy. At the meeting, they discussed the price of milk, the need for a new milk truck, and the possibility of switching their group health insurance to another carrier. To insure a crowd, the creamery offered a meal and door prizes. Everyone received a gift. It was a flyswatter with the creamery’s name boldly printed upon it. My father brought the flyswatter home and presented it to me with suitable fanfare. It was a big step for a male in the Batt family to get his own flyswatter — a step towards manhood.
Ordinarily, I would have been thrilled to have my very own flyswatter, but I’d wanted a Venus flytrap. It made no sense to have two things that killed flies. The plant would have diminished my appreciation of the gift of a flyswatter.
Hide-and-seek
Mardell Robinson of New Richland told me that her cell phone was ringing. She dug frantically in her purse trying to find the contraption, only to discover that the phone was in her pocket.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
I was his boss.
I was also half his age.
He chafed a bit having to answer to someone so young. "I’ll be a little late tomorrow," he said near the end of one workday.
"You’re always a little late for work," I groused.
"Oh," he said. "Well, then I’ll be in at my usual time."
Nature notes
“What can I do to make the suction cups on my window feeder stick to glass?” Placing the suction cups in boiling water for two or three minutes might restore elasticity. Wash the window. Grit interferes with the seal. Suction cups adhere best to warm windows. Wait until the sun hits the window or use a hair drier to warm the glass before attaching a feeder. Don't use water on the cups in an effort to affix the feeder to the window. Rub a little vegetable oil on them. Push the suction cups firmly against the window and force out any air bubbles in the cups.
Meeting adjourned
"Do good by stealth, and blush to find it fame."--Alexander Pope