Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

"How do you want your eggs?"

"What difference does it make?"

"None to me."

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors  — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: is a male black widow spider a black widower?

The cafe chronicles

The Burp N Belch Cafe sells a cheeseburger for $17,800. Get a free Ford Focus with each cheeseburger purchased.

I’ve learned

1. It takes me a while to realize that a parade has ended.

2. That lutefisk would be better if it were deep-fried.

3. That men know what clothing fits. What they don’t know is which clothes are dirty, wrinkled, or wrong.

Hot weather

Today, most people counter the attack of hot weather with air conditioning. Back in the day, folks had to fight the heat in other ways.

My mother sang Christmas songs on scorching days. She said the songs fooled the mind.

My father worked harder. He said that took his mind off the oppressive temperatures.

I tried both. I can’t say that either one worked, but singing was certainly the easiest.

The news from Hartland

Library opens tanning parlor so that the well-read could be well-red.

Sword swallower claims his stabbing was an inside job.

The Colonel Store (formerly the General Store) offers hi-deaf TV for people with hearing loss.

Changing times

I was at meeting. There were seven men sitting at my table. We were as rural as anyone is allowed to be. It was a meeting that caused people to check the time frequently. I’m not saying that it wasn’t an interesting meeting. It was just one that caused folks to think about the time. I noticed an odd thing on a hot day that brought shirt-sleeved men to the table — not one of the seven was wearing a wristwatch. These once dedicated wristwatch watchers checked the cellphones they had holstered like a cowboy’s six-shooters whenever the meeting encouraged looking.

For no apparent reason, this reminded me of another meeting.

“Excuse me,” said the stranger. “Do you have a cigarette?”

I don’t smoke, so I replied in the negative. I didn’t add a “sorry” because I thought that I might be doing him a favor by helping him to cut back on his smoking.

“Oh, then here’s one for you,” he said as he offered me a pack of a generic brand of cigarettes. He laughed.

I remember being in a class when a physician came to talk to us about the dangers of smoking. He painted a scary picture of blackened lungs and agonizing deaths. He quoted someone who said, “Fire on one end, fool on the other.”

I think his talk would have been more effective had we not seen him light a cigarette before getting into his car.

Those thrilling days of yesteryear

Junior high shop class was situated in a large room filled with demonic devices. A young man passed the class if he didn’t lose a finger while operating one of those satanic machines. No, that’s not right. A boy passed the class if he didn’t lose all his fingers.

Curse of the cursive

I didn’t get good marks in penmanship in school. The problem was that I did my homework while on a long bus trip to school. The only reason I put off doing my homework to the last moment was that I couldn’t put it off any longer than that. The bus spent most of its time traveling washboard gravel roads featuring potholes. It is difficult writing legibly while your desk is bumping down a road. That is why my penmanship was never up to the standards set by my teachers.

Nature notes

“Do you own a bug zapper?” No. Countless studies have proven that they aren’t effective in attracting mosquitoes, let alone killing them. They kill many beneficial insects. I wave the mosquitoes away with my hand. I believe in sensible shoos.

“Why do woodpeckers peck on my house?” Woodpeckers hammer on houses for three reasons. To proclaim territory, to excavate a nest or roost hole, or to feed on insects living in the siding. The Cornell Lab of Ornithology tested six common deterrents. The methods tested were life-sized plastic owls, reflective streamers, plastic eyes on fishing line, roost boxes, suet feeders, and a sound system that broadcasted woodpecker distress calls and hawk calls. Only the streamers worked with any consistency.

Happy anniversary

Congratulations to Farmers State Bank, the best bank in Hartland, on its 100 years in existence. It doesn’t look a day over 99.

Meeting adjourned

In Hebrews, it says, “Don't forget to be kind to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it.”