Compostings (267)
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"Good morning."
"Possibly."
"Why the long face?"
"My short one is in the laundry."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: he who hesitates isn’t at a stop sign.
I've learned
• Everyone is at a difficult age.
• Parents of great scholars or athletes are great believers and heredity.
• No two showers are alike.
The headlines from Hartland
• Football team produces a no-hitter.
• Choke ’N Chew Cafe cook arrested on two counts of attempted burger.
• The Witness Protection Bar, where nobody knows your name, opens.
Cafe chronicles
The poet, Thomas Hood, wrote, "No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees, no fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds, November!"
I added, "no food." I’d been driving since 3 a.m. and I was hollow.
I drove into a town filled with churches and beer joints. I stopped at one of those cafes where they know you by name and by order. I’d passed the pepper. I did it well. A man, who had lived in that city from little on up, occupied himself with biting a chunk out of strong coffee. "When a spoon stands straight upright in the middle of the cup, the coffee is just strong enough," he said. "If you have to shake the cup in order to get the coffee out of it then it's perfect."
Another fellow related the cautionary tale of his neighbor who toppled from a stepladder while he was cleaning leaves from gutters, and fell through the picture window of his house. The homeowner was injured, but the window had no pane.
It was a fine eatery. If I’d been hungrier than I should have been, they’d have given me a bowl of alphabet soup, all in capital letters.
We all hoped for a nice winter. In the words of Emily Dickinson, "Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all."
Emily pretty much summed it up for all of us.
Questions
• When you visit Hawaii, greeters drape a lei around your neck. How should visitors be greeted in your neighborhood?
• Would Lassie have been able to find Waldo?
• Minnesota has a state muffin. If yours had a state sandwich, what should it be?
School daze
Back when some families were so large, the houses they lived in had stretchmarks. Back when every other person did a Yogi Bear impression and men smacked their tavern bellies proudly and bragged that it was all paid for. Back then, my rubber band pistol, that I’d fashioned from a clothespin, was confiscated by my arithmetic teacher because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The World Series
I rooted in vain for the St. Louis Cardinals to defeat the Boston Red Sox. I grew up listening to the Cardinals on 1120 on the AM dial KMOX, the voice of St. Louis. It was a 50,000-watt signal that found its way to my transistor radio, 482 road miles away. It brought me Hall of Fame announcers Joe Garagiola, Jack Buck, and Harry Caray, who brought the game to life.
Did you know?
• Glabella is the smooth area between the eyebrows just above the nose.
• According to a survey conducted by Harris Interactive, 9 percent of people would drive naked.
• Only 3.9 percent of U.S. men are 6 feet 2 inches or taller.
Nature notes
"Why do we have robins here during the winter?" It might be that your robins flew south and were replaced by those that migrated south to your area for the winter. You might have Canadian robins wintering in your yard. They are bigger than our summer robins. Some researchers say that there are robins that migrate and those that do not. Robins overwinter in ravines and wooded areas where there is an open water source. They feed on the fruit of buckthorn, crabapple, cherry, mountain ash, hackberry, sumac, hawthorn, rose hips, etc. during the winter. When I accompany my wife grocery shopping, my job is to stay by the shopping cart. I’ve learned that it is always a good idea to get a cart. There are no shopping carts for birds, but it's not a bad idea for a robin to stay near the food. With food, it can take cold. Migration is a perilous journey, a regular robin roulette.
Meeting adjourned
"Kindly words, sympathizing attentions, watchfulness against wounding men's sensitiveness--these cost very little, but they are priceless in their value."--F.W. Robertson
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I can't go outside. It's raining."
"You brought an umbrella. Use it."
"That wouldn't help. My umbrella is full of holes."
"Then why did you bring it?"
"I didn't think it would rain."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: never judge an automobile by the sound of its horn.
I’ve learned
• Buying a toilet plunger is rarely an impulse purchase.
• If you want to hear a grandmother cuss like a sailor, go to a casino.
• You are never too old to learn something that is incorrect.
That time of the year
Halloween is over and daylight saving time has ended.
I fell back. I devoted the fall-back hour I’d gained over the weekend to reset the endless supply of timepieces that live with me.
It’s a bewitching time of the year. Magic tractors turn into fields.
A friend went as a big ceiling fan this Halloween. Yay, ceilings.
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" of movie fame. He was attired in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Not long after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.
"Aren't you the same Rocky who left my doorstep 20 minutes ago?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back four more times tonight."
I hope that no Halloween candy comes back to haunt you.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
We were fond of telling anyone who asked where we lived, how far we were from the nearest tarred road. I remember a fellow who told everyone that he lived one cigarette from town.
There is such a thing as time travel, it's called a memory. When I became a teenager, I dated in cars lacking seatbelts. I made SOB (Slide Over Baby) corners. They were made sharply.
Church basements
My wife and I attended a soup and pie supper at Concordia Lutheran Church. It might be the Concordia Lutheran Church that you are familiar with or it might be a different Concordia Lutheran Church. I love soups and pies and I love church basements. It was nice to be in a church basement for something other than a meal connected to obsequies. After enjoying a delightful repast, I was greeted by an old schoolmate, Mark Sorenson of Wyoming. I hadn’t seen Mark for years and it was great seeing him again. Church basements quickly fill stomachs and memories.
Gainfully employed
One in the family has a part-time job at Hy-Vee. Hy-Vee has a longtime advertising slogan, "Where there's a helpful smile in every aisle". Al Weisert, manager of the Hy-Vee store in Albert Lea added, "And a smirk on every clerk."
A confabulation of farmers
My father said that if there really was such a thing as reincarnation, he wanted to come back as an Allis-Chalmers, because an Allis-Chalmers never dies.
Someone asked Jerry Heideman of Hartland, "Are you done picking corn?"
Jerry, who is retired, answered, "I finished five years ago."
Jerry told me, "Now I just drive by to see what field they are on."
I’ve been reading
Bill Bryson’s "Made in America:" "During the war years, America had just nine television stations in five cities — New York, Chicago, Philadelphia, Los Angeles, and Schenectady — and just 7,000 sets on which to watch the meager programming available. In the autumn of 1944, for instance, on Wednesday and Saturday nights there was no television at all in America. On Thursdays only CBS was on the air, with 15 minutes of news followed by an hour of local programming and a half-hour show called Missus Goes A-shopping. On Sundays the American viewer could watch DuMont Labs' Thrills and Chills followed by Irwin Shane's Television Workshop, or nothing. With the end of the war, American TV was unleashed at last. By 1947 the number of television sets in American homes had soared to 170,000. In that same year a program called Puppet Television Theater made its debut. A year later it was renamed Howdy Doody and television had its first hit."
Nature notes
Marion Poellot of Red Wing asked how to distinguish house finches from purple finches. Here are a couple of simple things to look for. The female purple finch has a bold white eyebrow and a dark throat stripe. A purple finch male exhibits extensive red on the head and back.
Meeting adjourned
A little kindness not only goes a long way, it goes the right way.
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10."
"Why?"
"Just to see if I still could do it."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: life is like a car, it's driven from the inside.
I’ve learned
• The five-second rule applies to any dropped food except pie. The five-minute rule applies to pie.
• This sentence contains exactly threee erors.
• Prayer should never be used as a complaint department.
Overheard only because she was yelling into a cellphone at the Cleveland airport
"Don't worry, I'm calling him just so I can hang up on him."
Heard while leaning forward and listening
"No one could cook like my mother. The army came close, but no one could cook like my mother."
Restaurant reviews
I was in one of those noisy restaurants, the kind I try to avoid. There were football games on countless TV sets showcasing some quarterback who was faking retirement and then hitting a tight end running a square-in route for an 18-yard gain. The server asked if she could get me more deafening loudness. At least that's what I thought she had asked. I couldn’t be sure. Either way, I declined. All that noise was too much for a man whose closest neighbors are squirrels.
My neighbor
Old Man McGinty, the youngest Old Man McGinty ever, drives so slow that it takes him three days to back out of his garage and go to the barbershop. Two days if his turn signal is off. Driving is difficult because he can’t lift his arms very high due to that super glue accident back in 1998. He's a member of that generation of men who go to a barbershop even when they don't need a haircut. He has an "Ask me about my grandchildren" bumper sticker on his car. When people ask him about his grandchildren, Old Man McGinty tells them to mind their own business.
In local news
Two judges were arrested for speeding on Highway 13 on the same day. Rather than call in a visiting judge or travel out of the county, the two old friends agreed to hear one another's case.
The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.
They switched places. The first judge admitted that he had been speeding, too. The second judge fined him $300 and ordered him to pay all court costs.
The first judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!" he snorted.
The second judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second case like this we've had here this morning. We need to nip this in the bud. Someone has to get tough on all this speeding."
Customer comments
• David and Marjorie Cahlander of Burnsville invited me to come along on a cruise sponsored by David’s alma mater, MIT. I turned down the kind offer. I can’t even spell MIT.
• Steve Weston of Eagan advised me that if I'm ever lost in the woods, I should follow an opossum. It would always lead me to a road.
Did you know?
• Gastromancy is the practice of telling someone's fortune from the noises of the stomach interpreted as words.
• Preantepenultimate means "fourth from last."
• Reflexive sneezing induced by light, sunlight in particular, is estimated to occur in 18 to 35 percent of the population and is known as the photic sneeze reflex or the ACHOO (autosomal dominant compulsive helio-ophthalmic outbursts of sneezing) syndrome.
Nature notes
Darwyn Olson of Hartland asked why blue jays are so noisy in the fall. When nesting, they tend to be secretive and quieter. Fall flocks form and migration begins. They’re vocalizing their discoveries of food, predators, family, and friends. The blue jay frequently mimics the calls of hawks. These calls may warn other jays that a hawk is present or may deceive other species into believing a hawk is near. Mark Twain wrote, "You may call a jay a bird. Well, so he is, in a measure—because he's got feathers on him, and don't belong to no church, perhaps; but otherwise he is just as much a human as you be. And I'll tell you for why. A jay's gifts and instincts, and feelings, and interests, cover the whole ground." Twain added, "A jay hasn't got any more principle than a Congressman."
Meeting adjourned
Kind words cost nothing, yet they are priceless.
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"How is retirement going for you?"
"Well, I don't really have any retirement skills."
"So what do you do?"
"I think about what I did."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: "shortcut" is another term for "wrong turn."
I’ve learned
• The only reality to Reality TV shows is that they are faked.
• Many an ailing goldfish has had its entire life flush before its eyes.
• I'm part of the people who can be fooled some of the time.
The headlines from Hartland
• Defendant found guilty and sentenced to jury duty.
• Mort Postem says that all caskets he offers come with a lifetime guarantee.
• Gladys Overwith said that she couldn’t believe that her husband was stealing from his job as a road worker, but all the signs were there.
• Soup and Pie Suppers at Hartland Evangelical Lutheran Church on October 28 from 4 to 7 p.m. and at Cross of Glory on November 6 from 4:30 to 7 p.m.
Halloween
I’ve been working on my costume. Last year, I threw a sheet over my head and went as an unmade bed. Good luck, trick-or-treater. I hope you don’t get a rock.
Montana
I was near Great Falls Montana, on my way to a speaking engagement. What was going through my mind was a Frank Zappa song, "I might be movin' to Montana soon, just to raise me up a crop of dental floss." The cartoon bubble over my head pictured fields of dental floss blowing in the breeze under an endless big sky. I didn’t see any.
Cafe chronicles
I stopped at a small-town cafe where I was to meet a man I didn’t know. I needed help identifying him.
I asked the waitress if she was acquainted with the folks patronizing the eatery.
"I know more than half," she grunted.
"Then you’re the one I need to talk to," I said.
"Now that I think about it," she added, "I’m willing to bet that I know more than all of them put together."
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
"That’s a fine looking boy you have there. He'd make a good trade-in on that backhoe we just got in."
I knew the implement salesman was kidding, but I could tell my father was considering the deal.
My father wanted a backhoe. What man or boy didn’t?
I’ve dashed to where a crowd had gathered because someone was digging a hole. Where a backhoe was gouging a cavity into the earth.
That’s entertainment.
School daze
I was in the second grade at what is now New Richland-Hartland-Ellendale-Geneva-Bath-Otisco-Matawan-Summit-Cooleyville-Berlin-Hope-Trenton-Lemond-Hollandale-Clarks Grove-Freeborn-Vista-Waldorf-Manchester-Beaver Lake-St. Olaf Lake-Mule Lake Grade School, more commonly referred to as NRHEGBOMSCBHTLHCGFVWMBLSOLML.
"Now children," said Mrs. Demmer, "here is a wonderful lesson from the life of the ant. It’s an example on how we should live our lives. Every day, the ant works all day. Every day, the ant is busy. And in the end, what happens?"
I answered, "Someone steps on it."
It was one of those right answers that was wrong.
Bumper sticker snickers
• Mark Christenson of Columbia Heights saw this, "Get in, sit down, hold on, and shut up."
• On a battered Buick in Iowa, "Don't worry what people think, they don't do it often."
• On Jared Knutson’s car in Hartland, "Crops are green. Tractors are red."
Did you know?
• Pew Research found that 15 percent of Americans don't use the Internet.
• According to eMarketer, adults in the U.S. spend 4 hours, 31 minutes watching TV each day and another 5 hours, 16 minutes looking at other screens.
• If you have cable, you pay at least $5.54 per month for ESPN.
• The first official intercollegiate football game was in 1869 between Rutgers and Princeton.
Nature notes
A Carolina wren has an amazingly loud voice for its size. In summer, it sings "teakettle, teakettle." It has a rich cinnamon plumage, a white eyebrow, and an upward-cocked tail. This wren has been wintering farther north recently, which allows us to see them in Minnesota. It thrives in tangled, shrubby habitat and visits suet feeders. Brian Plath hosted a Carolina wren in his Austin yard. The bird found a large nest box to call home--the Plath’s garage. The wren came into the garage each night and Brian or his wife shut the door behind it. When the garage door was opened in the morning, the wren flew out. Brian hung a discarded Baltimore oriole nest in the garage. The wren found it a good place to snooze. A hot pocket for wrens. The wren slept well. Why not? It had the best wren house in town.
Meeting adjourned
Say kind things behind the backs of others.
Echoes From the Loafers' Club Meeting
"Where do boxelder bugs go in the winter?"
"Search me."
"Never mind. I don’t want to know that badly."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: there is so much roadwork that it’d be cheaper to erect signs reading "No road work ahead" on the roads not under construction.
I’ve learned
• Dirty dishes are patient.
• To use a barber who has the same amount of hair as I do.
• The good old days were when we didn't talk about the good old days.
Ask Al
• "Why shouldn't I put my baby's dirty diapers in the laundry bin?" You don't want to hamper his movements.
• "What is the best way to ripen tomatoes?" Keep them in your armpits. This also keeps them from being stolen.
• "What is the best way to knot a necktie?" It doesn’t matter if you Windsor knot, it’s how you play the game.
• "What do you know about rugby?" I know it’s an insect found in carpets.
Ambushed by jacks
Jacks is played by throwing small, six-pointed metal pieces that are picked up between bounces of a small ball. You toss the ball into the air, pick up one jack, and catch the ball after one bounce. When you have collected all the jacks one at a time, throw them again, and pick them up two at a time (twosies). When you get to threesies, you pick up three sets of three first, then the remaining jack. Continue until tensies. Your turn continues until you miss the ball, fail to pick up jacks, move a jack, or drop a jack. Feral jacks hid about our home, waiting to surprise unsuspecting bare feet. I stepped on them. It still hurts.
How we spend our time
I watched a dog watch a car drive by. I thought to myself that it didn’t take much to amuse a dog. Then I realized that I was watching a dog watch a car drive by.
My father enjoyed fishing. He had a tackle box full of hooks, sinkers, bobbers, and a couple of lures. Many had been jury-rigged. Injured ones were wrapped in thin wire. A dairy farmer, Dad didn't have much time to fish, but he looked in that tackle box and remembered.
Lake Superior wasn’t for sale
When my father was looking to buy land, an overzealous realtor showed him a slough thinly disguised as a dairy farm. The smiling salesman said, "All this land needs is some good people."
He should have added, "Who are good swimmers."
The Dust Bowl wasn’t a bowling alley
As I drove to a speaking gig in Nebraska on a windy day, I considered wind turbines. There should be a wind farm in Washington, D.C.
I listened to an actress portray a woman who lived during the Dust Bowl. She asked, "Why should we pay taxes in Nebraska? Our farm has blown to South Dakota."
She added that by 1934, the storms came so frequently that she’d learned to determine a storm’s point of origin by the color of the dust — black from Kansas, red from Oklahoma, gray from Colorado or New Mexico, and yellow from Montana or the Dakotas.
Customer comments
• Harlan Lutteke of Alden recalled people salting green apples before eating.
• Ric McArthur of Ontario wrote, "Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last long."
• Judy Abrego of Albert Lea said, "When you step over it, that's uffda. When you step in it, that’s feeda."
• Tom Benson of Hartland told me that he’d gone to a funeral with Otto Sorenson. They looked at the deceased and Tom said, "He looks good." Otto replied, "He should, he just got out of the hospital.
Did you know?
• What do the words assess, banana, dresser, grammar, potato, revive, and uneven have in common? If the first letter is placed at the end of the word and the word is spelled backwards, it remains unchanged.
The top 10 books people claim to have read, but haven’t, are in descending order, 1984 by George Orwell, War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy, Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger, A Passage to India by E.M. Forster, The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien, To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee, Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, and Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë.
• Last year, Americans paid $1.7 billion to play fantasy sports.
Meeting adjourned
"Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness."--Seneca
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"Guess what I did this weekend."
"Nothing."
"Lucky guess."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: why does the windshield wiper on the driver’s side of a car always wear out first?
The news from Hartland
• Old MacDonald quits eating breakfast due to excessive mooing, oinking, and clucking.
• Skunk wins local smelling bee.
• Sheriff Hank Uft says that 50 isn’t the new 30 when it comes to speed limits.
Ask Al
• "Why do birds fly into windows?" Because there is no "Windows for Dummies" book for our avian friends.
• "How can we prevent diseases caused by biting insects?" Don't bite any insects.
• "I saw a cow with a bell around her neck. What’s the purpose?" To keep her from eating birds.
Questions for you
• When do you switch from wearing short-sleeved to long-sleeved shirts?
• Do you say "caramel" or "carmel"?
• Who is your favorite Rocky — The Flying Squirrel, Balboa, Marciano, Colavito, or Horror Picture Show?
Cafe chronicles
• I was enjoying a reflective meatloaf commercial. It was like a beef commercial only with meatloaf. What was most important is that it had mashed potatoes and gravy. And that it wasn’t swill.
• I recalled a sign I saw in Alaska, "Steve's Road Kill Cafe... you kill it, we grill it."
• The sign in the bathroom read, "Employees must wash hands." I’m not one to complain, but no employee washed my hands. I had to wash my own.
I signed his cast "Ouch!"
My four-year-old grandson broke his arm. He did so while playing football. He probably shouldn’t have been playing, but the Minnesota Vikings needed him. Christian Ponder will replace him at quarterback.
When I was a wee lad and anything said to me was a word to the whys, my mother told me often to wash behind my ears. I wondered and asked why. I couldn’t look behind my ears and didn’t notice anyone other than my mother looking around back there. I found it easier just to hold my hands over the back of my ears as I walked amongst adults.
Wasting hours without taking minutes
I was at a large meeting. The vast room alternated between being too cold and too hot. The speakers might have been in another ZIP code. The presenters passed out pencils and paper to the audience members so that we could write down any questions we might have. My question was "Do I get to keep this pencil?"
Did you know?
• There is a Chinese law that requires children to care for their elderly parents, including regular visits and phone calls.
• Mount McKinley, the tallest mountain in the US, has gotten shorter. It’s now measured at 20,237 instead of 20,320 feet.
• The 2013 Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival held at the Iowa State Fairgrounds sold out of its 8,000 tickets ($25 each) in about 3 minutes.
• Alcatraz closed in 1963 for financial reasons.
• The percentage of households with a computer jumped from 21 percent to 78 percent from 1992 to 2011. Landline telephones fell from 96 percent to a 71 percent share over that same period.
• Mr. Potato Head was the first toy ever advertised on TV, in 1952.
• The Chatty Cathy doll was popular in the 1960s. A string on her back was pulled, and Chatty Cathy said one of 11 things: I love you. Do you love me? Please brush my hair. What can we do now? Please change my dress. Give me a kiss. I'm so tired. Let’s have a party. Please take me with you. Let’s play school. May I have a cookie?
• The Lumper is a varietal white potato whose widespread cultivation throughout Ireland was implicated in the Irish potato famine. Blight destroyed one-third of Ireland’s potato crop in 1845 and almost all of it in 1846.
• According to the American Dental Association, the average person produces over 6,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime.
Hummingmoths
Rose Hood of Albert Lea asked about insects that look like hummingbirds. They look, fly, and feed like hummingbirds, but are smaller. They are white-lined sphinx moths that hover over flowers. The moth has a proboscis, a flexible tube that resembles a beak. This moth has a white line extending the length of its front wing and a rosy-colored stripe across the rear wing. Its brown body tapers to a point at each end and has dark bands across its abdomen.
Meeting adjourned
If you are going to be caught doing something, be caught doing something kind.
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"You look good. How old are you?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know how old you are?"
"I used to, but I think I'm older than that now."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: patience is evident in each car going the speed limit.
I’ve learned
• If I want time alone, I should be punctual.
• Cameras in cellphones keep UFOs away.
• Cross country is a sport that is punishment for athletes in other sports.
I fall for it every year
The Christmas catalogs begin piling up. I can't turn around without a gardener showing me tomatoes, eggplants, or zucchini that they claim looks just like Richard Nixon. I rejoice in a time of the year that is too late to mow and too early to rake.
I need to summon my minions
My wife, The Queen B, and I ate at Dino’s Pizza in North Mankato. The pizza was good and the server friendly. I noticed a menu item for pizza for 300 offering 75 18-inch pizzas plus 75 pitchers of soda for only $1999.
I call it work
"So, what work do you do, then?" asked the man from Nebraska.
"I’m a writer and a storyteller," I said as proudly as a Minnesotan can say anything about himself.
"I worked in the blistering hot foundry. I mixed sand with clay and water to make sand molds. It was backbreaking work. So, what work do you do then?"
Customer comments
• Mark Christenson of Minneapolis sends this, "Never hold a grudge. If you do, you are allowing someone you don't like to live in your head rent free."
• We were talking about such things as the fair’s deep-fried butter on a stick and the habit many have of salting everything. Jack Moon of Kiester said that he has gotten to the point where he puts salt only on his food.
• I spoke at a reunion for the Albert Lea High School class of 1948. Wonderful people. They talked a bit about future reunions. One member of the class asked, "Is there money in the budget to get bigger nametags with larger print?"
• Andy Offutt Irwin of Covington, Ga. was on his way to a speaking engagement in Arkansas. He set his GPS for the city of Russell. The GPS took him there without a hitch. There was only one problem. His speaking engagement was in Russellville, not Russell. The two cities are 110 miles apart.
• Dan Bagley of Nevada, Iowa went to high school in Nebraska. After the graduation ceremony, the graduates were told that they had two hours to vacate the premises or be arrested.
• Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario wrote, "Met up with a friend who I hadn't seen in several months. He gave me the best compliment I've had in years. He said: 'If I didn't know you already, I would look forward to meeting you.'"
• Bob Johnson of almost everywhere sent this, "I changed the voice on my GPS to a British man’s, because the lady giving directions sounded too much like my ex-wife."
• Alice Zacherle of Napa, Calif. said that there are so many fat-free foods available today, that she wonders where all the fat went.
• Grant Olson from Seed Savers in Decorah told me that he and his bride honeymooned in Quebec. There they enjoyed maple syrup pie and poutine. Poutine is a Canadian dish, made with french fries topped with brown gravy and cheese curds. It’s health food, but it might not be good health food.
• Anne McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario asked why pirates are called pirates. Her answer was, "They just arrrr!"
Nature notes
Janice Van Wilgen of Hollandale sent me a photo of a baldheaded cardinal and wondered what was going on. I see cardinals and blue jays in this condition each summer. Having a bad feather day makes the birds look like tiny vultures or reptiles. As a boy, I was told that mites--possibly disease or diet, caused such a condition. Nobody ever mentioned stress. I believe there is another reason for the odd look. An abnormal molt occurs on some birds that causes them to lose their head feathers simultaneously. Most examinations of the birds in this circumstance show no mites or disease, but there will be more research. The feathers grow back so there is no need to start a Hair Club for Cardinals. I can't address what impact baldness might have on a bird’s self-esteem.
Meeting adjourned
Kind acts improve with practice.
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club
"My teacher told us that everything has a purpose."
"What do we get from skunks?"
"As far away as possible."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: "detour" means, "enjoy the scenery."
I’ve learned
• Cellphones should charge as we walk.
• If you can't say anything nice about someone, mumble.
• No garden has only flowers,
Hartland phone booth
The phone booth in Hartland was important. Big business deals and forbidden meetings were arranged without family members overhearing. When I was a boy, I called the phone booth the "statue." That was because when locals called someone on it, they’d say, "Hello. Statue?"
We had only one telephone at home, a giant contraption featuring a rotary dial, which filled a living room wall. Privacy wasn’t a given. Family members were forced to listen to one side of a conversation just as anyone within hearing of a cellphone user is forced to today. If I talked too long on our home phone, my mother handed me a couple of saltine crackers. It’s hard to talk when eating those crackers. When the crackers were passed out, it was time to shut up and hang up.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
My uncle said, "The Beatles," and shook his head forlornly.
I’m sure he’d have liked to have said more about the Fab Four, but he was in mixed company. For you see, my uncle was a tonsorial artist, a barber.
"There are only three times in a woman’s life when she gets her name in the newspaper," said a woman, waiting for a teenage son to have his locks shorn. "Once when she is born, once when she gets married, and once when she dies. And she can read only one of them."
My neighbor
Old Man McGinty believes that failing memory is nature’s way of making sure that we get enough exercise as we age. He leaves the house. Then walks back in to get something he’d forgotten. He repeats this several times before actually leaving.
He filled his car with gas. The pump told him to insert his credit card and then remove it quickly. He tried a few times without success. The screen on the gas pump flashed, "Please pay inside. You are old." I asked Old Man McGinty, the youngest Old Man McGinty ever, if he wanted to join me at a function on a Saturday six months in the future. He said that he was busy that day. He hadn’t consulted a calendar, so I asked him what he had going on that day.
"A funeral," he replied.
"A funeral?" I asked, "How can you know that so far in advance?"
"Simple," said Old Man McGinty, "When you’re my age, you attend a funeral every Saturday.
Cafe chronicles
The sign said, "Please do not feed the employees."
Another claimed that the mashed potatoes came with a lifetime guarantee.
I ordered a dish carrying the restaurant owner’s name. I figured if he was willing to put his name on it, it must be good.
A tablemate complained about everything. He’s a moan about town. It doesn’t do much good to complain. People either don’t care to hear your grievances or they’re elated that you have complaints. Another diner had blood pressure medication in one hand and a saltshaker in the other. He eats one egg a week and plans for days as to how he’d have it prepared. He has a dog that shares his first name. The dog had been named before he obtained it. However, he’d never forgotten its name even once.
My wife and I ate at the Village Inn, the local home of fine dining. We were joined by friends, Rod and Ruth Searle of Waseca, in enjoying a delicious repast. Ruth’s sister from Fairfax, Virginia, joined us. There was work being done on the water lines in the city, so the friendly waitress informed us that the water was going to be turned off and if anyone needed to use the restroom, they’d better hurry. Our new friend from Virginia hustled to the restroom. As she rushed past Larry Nelson, owner of L & D Ag, he said, "Welcome to Hartland."
Nature notes
A yellow jacket nest can be hidden inside a dense bush, alongside a stump, buried in the ground with only a small, hard-to-see entrance hole, or located inside a wall or ceiling void of a building. These wasps commonly build nests in rodent burrows.
Meeting adjourned
When it comes to being kind, avoid moderation.
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"What are you going to do today?"
"I'm going to try to remember what day it is."
"That sounds exhilarating."
"It can be on the days that I remember what day it is."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: a journey of a thousand miles gets a late start.
I’ve learned
• The check may not be in the mail, but a credit card offer is.
• The shortest line will be the slowest.
• Make one person happy and you will make two.
Over here
I travel as a part of my job. I enjoy traveling, even with all its blemishes. I visited Kilkenny, Minnesota, a small town so proud of its Irish heritage that it holds a Half-Way to St. Paddy’s Day Community Celebration in September. The road to Kilkenny was dotted with sweet corn that had fallen from over-filled trucks. Road kill for vegetarians. When I was a boy, we raised sweet corn for Birds Eye. When I was a neophyte nebbish yoked to an agricultural enterprise, I watched geese fly overhead. I wanted to know where they were going long before I asked where they came from.
I knew where I’d come from and where I was headed as I pulled into a convenience store, that I still call a gas station. My car was thirsty. There were no other vehicles at the gas pumps. I filled the tank. The price was $3.58. I thought about the lack of customers and considered the law of supply and demand before I offered the clerk $3.50 a gallon. She laughed before charging me the full price.
The photos weren’t smiling back at me
I looked at some old photos. There wasn't a smile to be seen. An old Hank Williams song found a place in my mind.
"If it was rainin' gold I wouldn't stand a chance. I wouldn't have a pocket in my patched up pants. No matter how I struggle and strive, I’ll never get out of this world alive."
The folks whose images I looked at had hard lives. Because of the early deaths of loved ones, mourning was a natural facet of their lives. They grieved. Was that why there was no smiling? Getting your photo taken was a big deal that didn’t happen often. It was expensive. So you dressed up and tried to look serious. Dental hygiene wasn’t as prevalent as it is today, so maybe people kept their mouths closed to hide decayed or missing teeth. Those somber faces may have been because the exposures in early photography could last a long time. It would have been difficult to remain still for the required amount of time, let alone smiling while you did.
A euphoric anniversary
Ours is a marriage of long ago but not far away.
You know what they say in French. Of course you do. They say everything in French.
We were teenagers, I’d just been named the promising young squirt of the year by the American Grapefruit Growers Association, when I asked Gail, "Are you walking my way?"
"Yes," she responded. She’d just had a fight with her parents and wanted to disgrace them.
"So am I," I replied smartly.
"You're the most handsome boy in Hartland," she said sweetly.
"You're kidding," I was more than willing to be flattered.
"I was kidding," she admitted.
It was the thought that counted.
We celebrated our anniversary recently. My wife’s family likely drowned their sorrows.
Happy anniversary, honey.
Nature notes
Fred Fiebelkorn of Thompson asked why there are so few monarch butterflies this year. Monarchs are scarce this summer. There were only 60 million monarchs wintering in Mexico last winter. That’s 80 percent below the 350 million average. The monarchs covered only 3 acres of forest, compared to a 17-acre average. Drought and excessive heat during the summer of 2012 resulted in low reproduction. This spring was unusually cold across the middle of the country and that delayed the northern migration. The first monarch generation was slow to develop in the southern states and late to migrate northward. Monarchs can produce a new generation in about 30 days. The monarchs that migrate to Mexico this fall are the great-great-grandchildren of those that left Mexico last spring. Monarchs have a high reproductive potential and they breed across a wide area. I hope that brings recovery. I’ve seen good numbers of monarchs wherever there are blazing stars.
Meeting adjourned
If you can't be kind, impersonate someone who can.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I’m headed to Geneva."
"It’s a good day for it."
"How far is Geneva?"
"From where?"
"Never mind. Does it matter which road I take?"
"Not to me it doesn’t."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: those who forget the past have a difficult time finding their car in a parking lot.
I've learned
• The softer the bread, the harder the butter.
• Not to point a finger until I’ve offered a hand.
• If you are holding all the cards, they haven't been dealt yet.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
It was hot. I sat under an oak tree, waiting for the house to cool enough to make sleep possible. A fan whirred in my bedroom. It provided white noise more than anything. I knew it wouldn’t be long before I’d be diagramming sentences and slicing frogs.
I’d heard a visitor say, "I have to get home in time for the news."
I don’t hear that said much anymore. TV news is never-ending now.
People scrambled to prepare a snack or go to the bathroom during the commercials. TV news wasn’t a must-see event in my family. Radio was big in those years and not just in popularity. The radio was often a large appliance. We listened to WCCO Radio regularly while I was growing up. WCCO was a powerful, statewide station that provided news and weather and more weather. I listened to that station because it told stories. Isak Dinesen said, "To be a person is to have a story to tell."
Cat tales
A gray cat begs at our front steps. It’s friendly, but not ours. I wish it would go home. It wants food from me. The feline has decided to switch servers.
I feel guilty about not rolling out the red carpet for the cat. I’d like it to live indoors, but I don’t need another cat. It reminds me of the man who cheated his business partner out of $1000. One night, his conscience bothered him so much that he couldn’t sleep. He got out of bed, wrote a check, and placed it in an envelope addressed to his old partner with a note reading, "I haven’t been able to sleep because I cheated you out of $1000. Here’s a check for $500. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send you the other $500."
The bumper sticker said
A work van passed me. It advertised "Superior Flopping."
That wasn’t the real name. The Superior part was actual, but I made up the Flopping portion. I think the modest people who were around for my boyhood would have found it difficult to name a business Superior anything, unless it was in Superior, Wisconsin. The best they could have come up with would have been "Not Bad Flopping."
Not long after the van superiorly passed me, I spotted some bumper stickers.
"On your mark, get set, go away."
"Sorry for driving so close in front of you."
"I’ll bet Jesus would use turn signals."
I read a "Wall Street Journal" article about a car sporting a bumper sticker reading, "I brake for fish." The story was about the Amphicar, a German import produced 1962-67. There were about 4,000 built and around 500 survive. I rode in one once. The driver drove it right into a lake. The car was capable of hitting 70 miles per hour on land, but only 7 miles per hour in water. I was floating in the propeller-driven auto when we were passed by a bullhead.
Did you know?
• Chicago allows a $50 surcharge to riders who vomit inside a taxi.
• The percentage of American households with a microwave rose from 82 percent in 1992 to 97 percent in 2011.
Nature notes
Rick Mammel of Albert Lea asked how small birds can eat large sunflower seeds. Goldfinches are capable of handling sunflower seeds too large for some other species of a similar size. A goldfinch holds the seeds with the long axis parallel to the beak, which has cutting edges that crack the hull. A chickadee uses its feet or a crevice to hold the seed like a vise while it hammers it open. Black-oil sunflower seed is the most popular of the bird feeder fare. The outer shell of a black-oil sunflower seed is thinner and easier to crack than that of the gray-striped sunflower seed and the kernel from a black-oil seed is larger than one from a gray-striped.
Meeting adjourned
Kindness doesn’t need a reason.
More...
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club meeting
“I have bad news and good news for you.”
“What’s the bad news?”
“It’s going to cost a lot more to fix your car than I told you.”
“What’s the good news?”
“I can’t fix it."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I should clean my eyeglasses before I clean the windshield.
I’ve learned
• The law of gravy gravity states that anything you drop on a table will fall into the gravy.
• The Post Office could make a lot of money if they replaced the self-adhesive stamps with stamps, which require licking, that are laced with nicotine.
• We may all be in the same boat, but not everyone is rowing.
The news from Hartland
• Bread store’s inventory is toast after fire.
• Hard-to-find CDs and DVDs store’s inventory isn’t filed in any order, alphabetical or otherwise.
• Racehorse retires after contracting severe case of jockey itch.
To tell the tooth
I've been to the dentist before, so I know the drill. My dentist, who believes that my mouth is so big he could work from inside it, told me what needed to be done. It was a minor procedure, even though there is no minor procedure to a patient of any kind. He threw in a bunch of words he'd learned in vocabulary class at dental school. I knew they were toothy terms, but I asked him to put it into terms I could understand.
"$840," he said.
I understood.
Reading the obituaries
I saw in the newspaper that a man I knew had died. The obituary section is filled with people I know. I knew him a little, liked him a lot. So I employed my cell phone to go to the funeral home Web site to leave a message of condolence. I typed out the message on the tiny keyboard and added my name. I checked the message to make sure there were no typos. I sent the message. It popped up on the screen of the funeral home Web site. I had misspelled my name. It was Al Bart. It read like it was a message from a bad guy on an old Roy Rogers show.
A handle on shopping
I found myself shopping in a big store. That's not my natural habitat. I bought toilet paper. It came in a bale of 12 rolls. The cashier put a handle on the toilet paper for ease in carrying. That was nice. I also bought a box of Colorado peaches. I enjoy a Colorado peach. The box contained a plethora of peaches arranged in two layers. I didn’t get a handle with it.
Cafe chronicles
I stopped at a small-town cafe located in a fine city where three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
I’ve found that, "How’s the corn?" is a good way to greet an older farmer in the summer. This precludes getting a detailed report of any medical procedures.
A fellow diner brought his appetite and the appetite belonging to several others. He wrapped his bacon in bacon.
Another consumer sat down with a grunt and a moan before saying, "Old age isn’t what it used to be."
Did you know?
• A metaphor is a figure of speech that transfers the sense or aspects of one thing to another. A simile is a type of metaphor in which the comparison is made with the use of the word “like” or “as.”
• Hate-watching is a term for watching television shows that you don’t like, but get perverse satisfaction from.
• The per capita automobile usage in the US is 820 miles per month.
Customer comments
Jan Jerdee of Albert Lea said that her grandmother made her lefse thin. If you could hold a round of lefse in your hand and not be able to see the lines of the palm, the lefse was too thick.
When I asked Neal Batt of Hartland when his house would be finished, he replied, "November or December, but I’m not sure of what year."
Nature notes
Nancy Skophammer of Albert Lea asked for a recommendation for a bird book for a 3rd grader. There are many, but I like "The Young Birder's Guide to Birds of Eastern North America" written by a good friend named Bill Thompson III. It was written especially for kids ages 8 and up, after consultation with children as to what they would like in a field guide.
Meeting adjourned
The next time you have nothing to do, be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club meeting
"Boy, that was a loud thunderstorm last night. I wish someone would have awakened me."
"Why?"
"I can’t sleep through thunder and lightning."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: the older you get, the harder it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have become good friends.
I’ve learned
• A true convenience store would be located along my driveway.
• Batting gloves should be outlawed in Major League Baseball. The constant adjusting of those gloves by hitters adds length to games.
• The easiest way to find a lost item is to buy a replacement.
The news from Hartland
• The Chicken Dance Center offers a class in which students learn the hula in two shakes.
• Local man's funeral had Minnesota Viking players as pallbearers. It was his wish that the Vikings let him down one last time.
• Old Man McGinty, the youngest Old Man McGinty ever, walked three miles to school every day. The school was only two blocks from his home, but he knew a long way.
She looked up to me
I could only guess at her age and I’m not good at guessing ages.
She said, "Oh, my stars and garters!"
I’ve never known anyone outside books and movies who said, "Oh, my stars and garters!"
She had to stretch to be five feet tall.
She looked up at me, nearly a foot and a half taller, and said, "I’ve never been that tall."
I believed her.
Going home
It was the summer of his school reunion.
He walked into one of those big hotel rooms. People from every fool place were there, wearing nametags. He was impressed by the preparation of his classmates in charge of the reunion. He was more impressed by how young and fit his classmates looked.
People asked how he was with equal parts politeness and concern.
It wasn't long before he realized, with some relief, that his reunion of older graduates was in another room.
He’d recently lost his job of long duration. He growled that they’d never be able to replace him.
I thought about a couple of trees that had fallen in my yard. I wondered how I should replace them. I wondered long enough that a volunteer mountain ash grew in one vacant spot and a dogwood filled the other. They are a perfect fit.
When we think of ourselves as irreplaceable, we’re wrong.
The man told me that the first thing he did upon arrival in his hometown was to drive by the house he grew up in.
It hit me, I can no longer drive by my boyhood home.
It was demolished and replaced.
I can still go home. There’s a road that leads from my mind to my heart.
Hotwire
Elwood P. Dowd in "Harvey," said, "Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, 'In this world, Elwood, you must be' — she always called me Elwood' — In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.”
I could have been pleasant. I could have warned him.
Relatives from the city were visiting. They had a boy my age. We went for a walk to explore the farm. Curiosity caused his hand to touch an electric fence in fine working condition. He jerked away.
"Get a shock?" I asked with a minimum of concern.
"I would have," he replied, "if I hadn't been too quick for it."
Customer comments
Bill Courter, who farms near Jolley, told me it’s so dry in his area that his farm had received only 40 raindrops per 40 acres.
Did you know?
The most frequently searched words on Merriam-Webster.com over the past four months in descending order. 1. pragmatic 2. disposition 3. opportunity 4. didactic 5. esoteric 6. paradigm 7. holistic 8. comradery 9. integrity 10. caveat
Who is our Lieutenant Governor?
Nature notes
Gene Pederson of Hartland asked what plant is called "devil’s pitchforks." It’s an annual herb called nodding beggar’s-ticks that has many names — devil's beggarticks, common beggarticks, common tickseed, devil's bootjack, stick-tight, bur marigold, and pitchfork weed. It’s grows up to two-feet tall with yellow flowers that are produced in early autumn. The flat brown seeds, that look similar to a tick, have hooked barbs that attach to clothing (especially socks) or to animal fur.
Gratefulness
Thanks everyone involved with the Aasen/Ausen Family Reunion and Kernel Days in Wells for allowing me to speak at their celebrations.
Meeting adjourned
How you treat others is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself. Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I’ve decided to stop feeling guilty about everything."
"How does that make you feel?"
"Guilty."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: with great power comes a great electric bill.
I’ve learned
• If my first guess is wrong, I should always go with my second guess.
• Nobody cares what kind of a car I drive.
• Everything and everyone is interesting.
The news from Hartland
• Rash of skinned knees believed to be the work of Jack the Tripper.
• Ringleader arrested at jewelry store.
• Senior Citizen Center Dance Contest winner credits leg cramp for his unique steps.
Ask Al
• "Have you ever seen the Catskill Mountains?" No, but I’ve seen what they can do to mice.
• "Why are some upscale restaurants so dark inside?" Because people eat less when they can’t see the food.
• "Does Hartland have a city celebration?" You bet. It’s the Hartland Humidity Festival. Come and sweat on the sidewalks while eating walking hamburger gravy on mashed potatoes from an old popcorn box.
T-shirts seen at the county fairs
• You lost me at "Hello."
• I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes a couple of days gang up on me.
• There’s a place for all God’s creatures...right next to the potatoes and gravy.
Fair memories
I watched a boy find a dollar bill in the garbage. I suspect that boy looked in every garbage receptacle at the fair.
I was on stage with a banjo player. He told me that it was easier to tune a chainsaw than to tune a banjo. I think it’s easier to tuna fish than it is to tune a chainsaw.
I picked up a free flyswatter at a county fair. I have a wedding anniversary coming up and, coincidentally, it’s our flyswatter anniversary. That’s one of the big ones. Next year is our fiber anniversary.
Sliding away
My wife and I walked the fairgrounds with some grandchildren. We looked at those scary rides that spin a passenger seriously before providing a sudden change of altitude.
I don’t need to go on any wild rides. I can get the same feeling by getting up quickly from a chair.
It was decided that several of the youngsters would go on a large slide. There was only one problem. The kids on the slide didn't slide. They had to work their way down like inchworms with ride tickets. There was no worry about sliding into the beer garden or suffering a dreaded slide burn.
Car talk
I saw a vanity license plate at a fair that read, "GOTTA P."
Another on a small car said, "I go where I’m towed."
A car passed me on the highway as if I were backing up. It carried a bumper sticker reading, "You are loved." I felt passed.
Customer comments
Jim Borkowski of Crookston grew up in Kiester. Jim believes that if a city has a Walmart, it's not a small town.
A young Iowa farmer told me that while planting corn, he became stuck eight times in one day. A common complaint of humans is that the days are too short. I’ll bet he thought that particular day was much too long.
Barb Quillen told me that her grandmother, Bertina Olson, didn’t like grapefruit. She went so far as to say that grapefruit might have been God’s only mistake.
Did you know?
• The Steele County Fair had a 2012 estimated attendance of 321,926 over six days. It drew 5,000 during its first fair in 1918.
• A freegan is someone who practices the reclaiming and eating of food that has been discarded. Dumpster diving is one method. This means that raccoons are freegans.
• Gary Larson, creator of the cartoon "The Far Side" said that as a child, "I'd throw red ants in with black ants, and then play war correspondent."
Nature notes
Jean Schlegel of Rochester asks why birds sing so early in the morning. I thrill to the dawn chorus of birdsong. Many birds sing before sunrise, which is too early for some people to appreciate. Some scientists believe that early morning is the best time for males to attract females or to proclaim territory. The light is too dim to forage efficiently, so singing makes good use of a bird’s time. Weather conditions are often calm in the early day, allowing songs to travel a good distance and human sounds are at a low point. Claude Monet said, “I would like to paint the way a bird sings.”
Meeting adjourned
Kindness is the key to a heart.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I have a stomachache."
"Have you taken anything for it?"
"Yeah, a couple of bowls of chili, a half dozen doughnuts, and some fried chicken with gravy, but it didn’t help."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Pickup trucks are short in front and long in back. They are the mullets of automobiles.
I’ve learned
• A great day is one in which it rains on the garden, but not on the lawn.
• Corn is a chick magnet.
• At work, we worry about family. At home, we worry about work.
The news from Hartland
• Going for the Dough Bakery offers that new carb smell.
• Bill Jerome Home Lumberyard stacks its doors outside, in the great outdoors.
• Man of conviction gets 10 years.
Ask Al
"How can I save money?" Tie one shoestring lengthwise across your closed wallet. Tie another crosswise. When you’re buying something, you’ll need to untie both shoestrings. This will give you time to consider whether the purchase is necessary or wise.
"What’s the best thing to put in a pie?" Teeth.
A driveway of fireflies
A reader from Willmar phoned before stopping by for a visit. He’d never been here before. He said, "I thought you’d have a longer driveway."
So did I. I grew up with a longer driveway that was lined with fireflies saying, "We light up the night sky." Fireflies were the closest things to Disneyland in my life. I considered lassoing one. I used a hand-cranked device to turn baling twine into rope. I didn’t learn any tricks with ropes. They must be taut. I didn’t sell the ropes. I learned to tie knots with them. It was a knot-for-profit organization. My specialty was the Hartland knot. It’s never the same twice.
A summer fall
A tree fell on Steve Overgaard of Albert Lea. You know you're having a bad day when a tree falls on you. Steve emerged from the incident with a dislocated shoulder and broken ribs. When Steve tells people about his encounter with the tree, people tell him how lucky he is. Steve said that he doesn’t feel that lucky. If he'd been lucky, the tree would have missed him.
Blue Cross didn’t cover the vet’s visit
Mary Hanke, a veterinarian in Stacyville, told me of a vet who tried to frighten a downed cow into standing up by driving at it with his pickup truck while honking the horn. It didn’t work. He ran over the bovine. The only way that farmer was getting his cow back was if the veterinarian had been a taxidermist, too. The same man, when treating a sick dog, would ask the canine’s owner, "Do you want a dog or do you want that dog?"
I remember an early morning when a vet was examining one of our cows. I’d been feigning a sore throat in the hopes of staying home from school. After the vet finished his work, my father said to him, "The boy has been complaining of a sore throat. Take a look at him."
I went to school.
Cafe chronicles
The table sat at a jaunty angle. The waitress brought a menu and the details of her mother’s gallbladder surgery. I ordered. The food was first rate. Do you remember when you went to that fancy slophouse and ordered something you couldn’t pronounce and could barely afford? You know it’s a fancy slophouse if you have to use a knife and fork to chew gum. Well, the grub in that small-town cafe tasted just like you'd hoped that fancy slophouse food would.
Did you know?
• A tomato is a fruit eaten as a vegetable and rhubarb is a vegetable eaten as a fruit. Grandma stored produce by home canning. She said, "We eat what we can and what we can't, we can."
• There are 31,272 post offices in the U.S., more than all the McDonald’s, Starbucks, and Walmarts combined. McDonald’s has approximately 14,100 restaurants, Starbucks around 12,937, and Walmart has about 4,069 stores (the 621 Sam’s Clubs not included).
Nature notes
Joanne Olson of Emmons asked how old rabbits are when they become independent. Cottontail rabbits leave the nest when they are three weeks old. A five-inch long rabbit with eyes open and ears erect is self-sufficient. The mother normally avoids the nest in daytime, feeding the young between dusk and dawn.
In gratitude
My thanks to the Faribault County Fair, Waldorf Days, and the Sibilrud Family Reunion for allowing me the honor of speaking in small towns where history is being made every day.
Meeting adjourned
Mother Teresa said, "Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."