Compostings (267)
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"What do you do?"
"I help people make money."
"Like who?"
"Like my doctor, my cellphone provider, my cable company guy, my mechanic, my..."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if it could happen to anyone, why doesn’t it?
Ask Al
• "What can you tell me about picking edible fungi?" I will warn you that there’s not mushroom for error.
• "What was the most ostentatious wedding you’ve ever attended?" That would have been the Snooty/Persnickety nuptials. Former NFL great Jerry Rice was thrown at the couple.
• "I looked at an old history book and was impressed with the colors shown in it. Do you know what they are called?" Those are past tell colors.
North Dakota notions
I’d been working in North Dakota. It’s a well-oiled state. The mosquitoes are trained to drill for oil. One fellow claimed to have found happiness right in his own backyard — with an oil well. A friend who lives in North Dakota wishes that he had an oil well. I sent him a get-well card.
That’s why they sell earplugs
I admit it, I don’t enjoy loud music. I try not to gripe about it, but I growl occasionally. When I do that, I recall a Robert Frost poem, titled, "A Minor Bird." "I have wished a bird would fly away, And not sing by my house all day. Have clapped my hands at him from the door, When it seemed as if I could bear no more. The fault must partly have been in me. The bird was not to blame for his key. And of course there must be something wrong, In wanting to silence any song."
Cafe chronicles
The sign read, "Sorry, were open." Four friends and six opinions sat at a table. It was a favored place because nothing there was hard to swallow. The waitress said that she was using the backup coffeepot. She didn’t say why, so I assumed that the regular coffeepot had the day off. One diner asked what he should give his wife on their 55th anniversary and was told that was the fiber anniversary. Bran cereals were suggested as appropriate gifts.
Did you know?
• Canada has a population of 35 million. California’s population is 37 million.
• Ford sold its first car in 1903, a red, two-cylinder Model A with no roof. It was sold to a Chicago dentist named Ernst Pfenning, who paid $850 for it. The car’s top speed was 28 mph.
• Popular folklore says that when a cat stares out a window, it will rain. If that is true, it should rain 365 days a year. It wasn’t long ago when drought was a big worry. Shortly thereafter, I heard people saying, "We’ve only had rain twice this year — once for 30 days and once for 45 days." Maybe too many people prayed for rain.
Customer comments
Bob Hargis of Riverton, Wyo., wrote, "Have not gone to any of Washington Union High School in Fremont, California class of '61 reunions yet. Bill Walsh was my PE coach my freshman year. I eagerly asked young football guru 'Coach, should I go out for football, huh?' He responded with a long stare — the kind you get when you are trying to see a 3-D image out of a 2-D page — looking almost through and behind the image in front of you. 'Hargis,' he said, 'SWIM!' Sage advice from this man who went on to coach legendary teams and reinvent conventional football of the era. Come to think of it, school is supposed to promote lifetime learning and skills. Swimming is for life and football certainly ain't."
Nature notes
Gail Savick of Freeborn wrote, "I want to know if there is some meaning behind the blackbirds dropping their babies' poop in the bird waterer after taking it out of the nest?" The toilet habits of the grackle irritate many folks. Baby grackles produce fecal material that looks like miniature sandwich bags filled with poop. The parents grab these little bird diapers and fly away with them. They want to dump them away from the nest so that predators wouldn’t be aware of the location of the baby birds. The grackle considers water the perfect place to dump its cargo, as it washes away all evidence. A swimming pool or birdbath is ideal, but a car with a nice polish does in the pinch, as does my garage door.
Meeting adjourned
Kind words cost little, but are priceless to the beneficiary.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"Where is everyone?"
"I don’t know."
"Weren't they told that I was going to be here?"
"No, but word must have leaked out."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Transverse (in-lane) rumble strips are grooves crossing road surfaces that provide a tactile and audible warning for drivers approaching stop signs. I wonder what percent of drivers straddle the strips in order to avoid the rumble?
I’ve learned
• When it says, "Some assembly required," it means, take a week off, buy every tool in the store, and make no other plans.
• Whenever someone says, "What do you think?" I think I should have been listening.
• Justice isn’t blind. It’s afraid to see.
The Loafers’ Club Redux
The Loafers' Club meets at least once a day. The meetings last about an hour. The members do nothing, talk about how they could do even less, and then go home to rest. Wisdom such as, "Order in the court. The judge is about to spit. All those who cannot swim, had better hurry up and get," is shared at these gatherings. It’s time for the Loafers’ Club annual report. There were 714 meetings held during the past year. There were no dues collected, no misuse of funds, no annual meeting, no team sponsorships, and no mission statement. A secret handshake may be developed.
Considering ballgames
I visited with an old teammate, Chuck Hinkley of Freeborn. We played ball together for many years. Chuck said he gets better as time passes. He added that he couldn’t remember ever making an out.
I couldn’t remember him making an out either.
I no longer play ball. Now I’m a spectator.
Watching ballgames, you learn that if you move your feet, you lose your seat. A granddaughter’s fastpitch softball team won the state. She pitched every game. I think underhand is the natural way to throw and leads to less arm problems than the overhand pitch. I base this belief on two things. Roll a ball to a toddler and he or she will likely throw it back underhanded. And, there is no overhand bowling.
The importance of doilies
We had a doily rule in my boyhood home. We weren’t supposed to move anything that had a doily above or below it without my mother’s permission.
A woman in Arnolds Park told me that her 83-year-old mother was crocheting doilies at a hectic pace. She wants to complete enough doilies so that everyone who comes to her funeral would receive one.
Cafe chronicles
A sign on the wall read, "Death before decaf." A fellow at the table ordered a steak — rare. I’ve seen things hurt worse than it get better. As I left, the waitress said, "Please come again. Call if you can’t make it."
I stopped at the Koffee Cup in Arnolds Park. A sign on the highway in front read, "Eat right. Turn left.”
Did you know?
• Velcro was invented by Georges de Mestral, an electrical engineer from Switzerland. Mestral put burdock seeds under a microscope and saw that each bristle was a tiny hook.
• The Beer Institute's annual per capita beer consumption rankings showed North Dakota number one. New Hampshire was 2nd, Wisconsin 5th, Iowa 13th, and Minnesota 29th. Utah was last.
• Heinz Ketchup exits the glass bottle at .028 miles per hour.
• About 10 percent of homes had air conditioning in 1965.
Customer comments
Dennis Galagan of Albert Lea wraps fish in newspaper, but he makes sure that my column isn’t involved in the process. I appreciate that. However, I know that my column is occasionally placed in the bottom of a birdcage, so that my photo might help cure a constipated canary.
I wasn’t bittern
I did a radio show via cellphone as I stood on a seldom-traveled gravel road running alongside a cattail marsh in North Dakota. An American bittern sang while I did that program. It didn’t bother me. I welcomed its call. An American bittern stands motionless with its bill pointed towards the sky. Its plumage provides camouflage while it stalks the fringes of shallow wetlands searching for prey. It eats creatures of suitable size — crayfish, dragonflies, fish, frogs, grasshoppers, snakes, water bugs, and small mammals such as voles. This bittern’s distinctive call has earned it a flock of nicknames, including, barrel-maker, belcher squelcher, bog-bull, bog-hen, bog-trotter, butter bump, dunk-a-doo, mire-drum, night-hen, plum puddin’, post-driver, slough pump, stake-driver, sun-gazer, thunder-pumper, and water-belcher.
Meeting adjourned
Smile as if you’ve never cried. Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I fixed your kitchen sink, but I’ll need to be paid from the time I left home."
"That seems fair. When did you leave home?"
"When I was 18."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, it’s because their water bill is higher.
The news from Hartland
• Superman punches kitten as witnesses do nothing.
• Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels Septic Pumping Service opens for business.
• Dougie of Dougie’s Do-It-Yourself store asks that you kindly refrain from asking any of his employees for help.
Losing the Batt family fortune
You can lose money faster at a casino than you can lose pocket change in a recliner. I visited a casino not long ago, having never bet a cent at such an enterprise. I ended up betting a dollar in a penny slot machine. A slot machine is a cash redistribution system. It can take a long time to lose a dollar in one, but I managed. I’d be up a few cents, then down a few cents. Like most gamblers, my down overcame my up.
I noticed a couple I knew at the one-armed bandit next to me. In the midst of small talk, I was informed that the husband had recently taken a hearing test. The wife spilled the beans. I asked if his hearing had declined.
The wife replied, "He went from not listening to me, to being unable to listen to me."
Alas, poor broccoli
I stopped at a farmers market last summer. It was rightly called a "farmers market." It’s a descriptive phrase, not a possessive one. No apostrophe needed. I watched people examine fruit and vegetables. We each have a technique. Most folks frown at prospective produce purchases. I can’t remember the last time I saw someone smile at an eggplant. I hold produce near to my ear in case there is something it wants to tell me. Some look at a vegetable as if they’d never seen sweet corn before. Others hold a tomato as though they were thinking of something else. Yet others stare so intently at a green pepper in the hand that I expect them to spout the words of Hamlet, "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him." Shakespeare’s words are often misquoted as "Alas poor Yorick, I knew him well." The actual quote is, "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at it."
That Hamlet could slobber a bib full. Hamlet said this in a graveyard as he looked at the skull of Yorick, a court jester he’d known as a child and for whom he grieved. Still, it might be worth saying it to a watermelon in order to determine its goodness.
Did you know?
• Sliced bread sold for the first time in 1928.
• Gravity, Iowa has this motto, "If Gravity goes, we all go."
• The United States Postal Service introduced ZIP codes in 1963.
Customer comments
• Harvey Berg of Waseca offered this wisdom, "Always get the cage before you get the bird."
• Loren Skelton of Missoula, Mont. sees signs reading, "Montana is full."
• Terry Sibilrud of Tavares, Fla. said, "It’s better to be seen than to be viewed."
Nature notes
Elaine Seath of Hartland asked if mothballs repel deer. Mothballs are toxic if ingested, their vapors can cause health problems in an enclosed space, and they can be dangerous to pets. Mothballs should be used only to kill moths. According to Clemson University, mothballs don’t repel wildlife. A tall exclusion fence works best to deter deer. We try many things to curb deer — perfumed cotton balls, human hair, Irish Spring soap, hairspray, computer discs on wire, rotten eggs, predator urine, and fabric softener sheets. Hungry deer aren’t easily discouraged. A University of Nebraska study found mothballs to be the second least effective of 15 repellents tested. Only creosote ranked lower. The top three in effectiveness were a commercial repellent, meat meal containing animal residues, and chicken feathers. Some commercial repellents appear to work, but need to be applied often — especially after rain or heavy dew. Don’t use mothballs inside attics, crawl spaces, gardens, trashcans, or vehicles. Placing mothballs in an attic to repel squirrels usually results in a persistent and noxious odor and squirrels.
Meeting adjourned
Laugh when you can, apologize when needed, don’t hold grudges, and be kind always.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I lost all my money in one of those Ponzi schemes."
"Cheer up. It could be worse."
"How could it be worse?"
"It could have been my money."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if someone uses a cellphone while driving 60 miles per hour, is he talking a mile a minute?
I've learned
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
Not to test the depth of a cow manure pile with both feet.
Every cemetery ought to have an annual tour.
Painting diamonds
"How are you doing?" I asked the couple.
"Staying busy," the husband replied, "by ignoring things until tomorrow."
His wife looked at him and said, "Is your finger broken?"
He didn't reply. What he did was to zip up his fly.
Every family has a code for that sort of thing. Men need reminders because we have a lot to remember.
While he went to retrieve their car, she told me that she’d had her portrait painted recently. She’d always wanted to have that done. She had the artist, a man she called "very talented," add a diamond necklace, diamond earrings, diamond bracelets, and a diamond pendant to the portrait. I replied that she was fortunate to own such niceties as that jewelry.
She responded, "Oh, I don’t own any diamonds. I had them added in case I die before my husband. I know he’d remarry and I want his new wife to drive herself crazy looking for those diamonds."
From here to there
I was driving through a local township when I saw a roll of toilet paper on the roadside. I was happy to see it. It’s about time we had a rest area.
I drove past an old farmhouse that made me smile. I like seeing clothes hanging out at a discount laundromat — a backyard clothesline.
I was on my way to a store. I had to go shopping for pants.
That's how I always go shopping — when I have to.
I hadn't worn out all my old pants, but it was imminent. They had pocket gophers.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
I sat on the bumpy bus. My grade school self bounced in concert with the vehicle’s seat. A note was pinned to my shirt. I might have known what its purpose had been, but if I did, I’d forgotten. My teacher had pinned it there to make sure my parents saw it. That could have been good or bad. I considered pulling the pin out and looking at the note, but feared I wouldn’t be able to run the pin back through the original hole. That meant there would be more than one hole in the paper and my parents wouldn’t have to hire Dick Tracy to tell them that the note had been opened.
And adults think kids have no worries.
Stifle!
Her life had been edited severely. She was 103 years old. I asked her what was the secret to her longevity. She smiled and replied, "Not dying."
She had been a librarian. I love libraries.
I recall going into an old Carnegie library and being shushed upon entry. That was OK. It seemed right.
Customer comments
Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario told me the world’s shortest ghost story, "The last man on earth sat down in his room. Suddenly there was a knock on the door."
Camera cannon
I paused on my Alaskan hike to visit with a photographer using a camera the size of a Civil War cannon. He was from Nova Scotia and we shared an appreciation of birds. I pulled my camera from my backpack. It was dwarfed by the size of his device. He looked at my camera, suspecting that I’d gotten it in a box of Cracker Jack that promised, “A prize in every box.” I smiled and said, "Keep at it and one day, you might have a camera just like this baby."
Nature notes
Glenn Ausen of Hartland spotted a hawk that was nearly all white. It was a red-tailed hawk exhibiting leucism. Leucism is an abnormal plumage caused by a genetic mutation that prevents pigment, particularly melanin, from being properly deposited in feathers. This results in birds that don’t have the normal, classic plumage colors shown in field guides. A leucistic bird may have white patches where the bird shouldn’t have any, a paler overall plumage, or an overall white plumage with little other discernible color.
Meeting adjourned
Use the time you might spend complaining to be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I heard a noise in my kitchen in the middle of the night."
"What was it?"
"The leftover ham in the refrigerator."
"The leftover ham was making noise?"
"Not anymore."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: If you ever become lost, follow the first pizza delivery car you see. At least that way you'll have pizza.
I’ve learned
You don’t need Facebook to like things.
When it comes to half-truths, people usually remember the wrong half.
Locally grown pineapple tastes like corn.
The news from Hartland
Someplace Else Bar opens for those people who’d like to go someplace else.
Oops Tattoo Parlor opens and promises, "Tattoos while you wait."
Ug Lee’s Junkyard offers the insides of the rusting hulks of cars as mini-storage units.
Ask Al
"Do you believe in Sasquatch?" Of course. It’s a common creature that steps in front of people while their photos are taken for driver’s licenses.
"Why would anyone eat insects?" It’s simple — more drumsticks.
"Why are sleeveless shirts called T-shirts?" Why not? They don’t come when they're called anyway.
The worst cold in history
I felt cold. I’m rarely chilly. That meant I had a cold. A summer cold. I put on warm socks and thought about eating horseradish on a wheat cracker. Had it been a foul tip that hit me, at least I could have rubbed a little dirt on it. I had chills, a headache, and aching joints. My wife wrote notes she presented to me at the end of a 10-foot pole. I felt like a cat, useless if I didn’t get my 23 hours of sleep each day. It was the worst cold in the history of mankind. It was. I looked it up. It was worse even than those TV commercials for lawyers. My appetite deserted me. I had a breakfast of ginger ale and roasted almonds. I was in no danger of foundering. I considered using leeches to restore my pluckiness. I opted for eating all the pineapple I could to combat the cold. I think that worked, but I tend to be right or wrong. I’m pretty sure I’m right about that. Or as my wife says, "That always happens sometimes."
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
I sat down on a beat-up metal chair outside the old farmhouse. The sun was still at work. I relaxed myself into becoming a passive solar collector. Whether the weather is cold or whether the weather is hot, we'll weather the weather whatever the weather whether we like it or not.
I was waiting for my date, who would later become my wife.
I could hear her mother talking, more than loud enough for me to hear, to her eldest daughter, "He doesn’t sound like a good boy."
"Oh, he is," my future bride protested. "If he weren’t, he wouldn't be doing 200 hours of community service."
It wasn’t all my fault. When I bugged my mother when I was a small boy, she’d say, “If you don’t stop it, I’m going to go crazy.”
My response was always, "I want to go, too, Mommy."
To an English teacher
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
To whom.
Customer comments
Mike Bennett of Albert Lea is an avid golfer. He told me that he always shoots par. As soon as his score hits 36, he stops playing.
A reader from Madison, Wis. asked if I’d mention Delbert Willert and his 4-H project. The 16-year-old Lake Benton student researched the GSI Res-Q Tube. It’s a device used to free people from grain bins. It's a long, lightweight aluminum tube that separates into four panels that are pushed into the grain surrounding a trapped person. The tube keeps grain from burying a person so that rescue workers can do their jobs. Willert raised $17,000, enough money to buy one for every fire department in Lincoln County. His good work has already saved a life.
Nature notes
Mallard ducklings are precocial. That means they are able to feed and move about on their own shortly after hatching. They remain dependent on their mother for guidance, protection, and waterproofing for 42-60 days. Altricial birds are the opposite of precocial birds. They hatch naked, blind, and helpless. They are featherless except for sparse down. They move little and are dependent on their parents for care. Hawks, owls, jays, doves, robins, crows, and herons are examples of altricial birds.
Meeting adjourned
You can’t fix yourself by breaking someone else. Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I sing while I exercise."
"What do you sing and does it help you lose weight?"
"Fat chants."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: whenever you attempt to catch something falling from a table, you’ll always knock something else off it.
I’ve learned
To never believe anyone who calls me skeptical.
Sometimes things have to fall apart in order to fall into place.
Each discovery brings mysteries.
The news from Hartland
Township erects Opossum Crossing, Skunk Crossing, and Raccoon Crossing signs near Deer Crossing signs.
Moses Lawn says, "If you can afford a power lawnmower, then mower power to you."
No year is perfect
Summer causes some to wonder if they’re here only to suffer mosquito bites and to complain about the weather. Last year was dry. This year, not so much. Each day brings charcoal skies and distant rumbles of thunder. It reminds me of the old saying, "Shake and shake the ketchup bottle. None'll come and then a lot'll." Last year, trees leaned towards me, recognizing me as a source of water. I don’t melt in heat or rain. I’m thankful for that.
She outgrew half an outhouse
Many outhouses contained holes of different sizes — larger holes for adults and small holes for children. Children learned not to sit on a bigger hole unless they wanted to fall in. I preferred to visit an outhouse alone. I’m not shut-mouthed, but I don’t know what the two of us would find to talk about. A reader told me that when she was a small girl, her father built a new outhouse and used her south end as the dimensions for the small seat.
Tilting at wind turbines
We have so many wind turbines in the area that Don Quixote would tip over from exhaustion from tilting after windmills. Not everyone is a big fan of the big fans. I talked to a fellow who said he’d like them better if he owned half of one. I’m not exactly sure what he meant by that, but I thought of "Pudd’nhead Wilson" by Mark Twain. There is a scene in the novel in which Wilson is sitting on a bench with others. A nearby dog is barking persistently, and Wilson says, "I wish I owned half that dog," and when asked why, he says, "Because I would kill my half."
I’m waving on the inside
I try to smile and wave as often as I can. A friend, Darwyn Olson of Hartland, claims that I never wave at him. If I don’t wave at Darwyn, I want it on record that my waveless existence in his presence isn’t intentional.
Bob Hanson, a friend who lives at Beaver Lake or in Albert Lea, dependent upon which neighbors will put up with him, told me that he and his wife were traveling through Montana when they spotted a man involved in some aspect of baling hay. Bob honked the horn in his car and they both waved at the rancher, who, in turn, paused in his endeavors, and climbed to the tallest spot available to him. From that vantage point, he waved briskly while wearing a huge smile.
Oddments
Although impossible to prove, Steve Dalkowski might be the hardest-throwing pitcher in baseball history. In an extra-inning Eastern League game, Dalkowski struck out 27 batters and walked 16 while throwing 283 pitches. The 5-foot-11, 170-pound Dalkowski never made it to the majors and finished with a lifetime win-loss record of 46-80 and an ERA of 5.59 in nine minor league seasons, striking out 1,396, walking 1,354 in 995 innings, and throwing about 230 pitches per nine innings.
A Public Policy Polling national poll found that 61 percent of voters own pets. Dogs were preferred by 52 percent, 21 percent chose cats, and 31 percent let their pets sleep with them. Americans are more afraid of snakes than any other animal. Bambi was the favorite movie animal, followed by Lassie, Garfield, Nemo, Free Willy, and Jaws.
Nature notes
I stopped on a hot day to get some iced tea at a fast food restaurant situated near the highway. I watched house sparrows flutter about the parking lot. Some of them flew in and out of the grilles of automobiles. Those are good places for the birds to find fried insects. House sparrows make themselves so much at home around fast food places that they could be called burger kinglets.
Meeting adjourned
Everyone has a bad day. Don’t share yours with everyone else. Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I go to a yoga class each week."
"What day?"
"Some weeks it’s Monday, sometimes Wednesday, and other weeks the class is on Thursday. The secret is to be flexible."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: It’s nice to be busy. A busy person doesn’t have time to judge anyone else.
Talking baseball
What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A baseball team.
Sorry. On with the story. The fellow sitting next to me complained bitterly about the umpire.
I don’t complain much about umpires. I used to be one.
The fellow nearby threw his hands up after a pitch was called a strike and asked if I thought the umpire was terrible at calling balls and strikes.
I replied that I wasn’t a good one to ask. I couldn't tell if a pitch was a ball or a strike when I was playing.
Jack Brush of New Ulm asked one of his coworkers, "What do you do with your dog while you're umping?"
The man replied, "What dog?"
Jack responded, "Your seeing-eye dog."
Cafe chronicles
I stopped to have a bowl of gruel and some hardtack. It was a homey eatery where the eggs were fresh. They’d just been fried yesterday.
I was met with a smile and a question, "When Barbie and Ken go to a fancy restaurant, who parks their car?"
Before I had a chance to offer an answer, I was told it was "Valet of the dolls."
"What would you like to eat?" asked the waitress of a friend seated in a cafe where nothing was fresher than the waitresses.
"Anything with gravy on it," came the reply. "No hurry. I have the time to wait. I quit fixing up those old tractors."
"Why?"
"Because I didn’t know how."
Older than dirt’s father
I stopped to visit him. His life had been shrunk to a small room with few remaining possessions. He’d stayed in the small town he’d been born in because "somebody had to."
He laughed when I told him that getting old was like frying bacon in the nude. You know it’s going to hurt, but you’re not sure where.
I thought of the writer Temple Grandin, who said this about aging, "I used to be able to able to stand in a forklift truck loading dock at the feed yard and I could jump up on the ramp. Gosh, there is no way I could do that now. But one of the things that getting older does give you is wisdom and a perspective that you didn’t have before because you’ve been to a lot of places and you’ve seen a lot of things. That’s why, in a lot of societies, they look up to their elders. In elephant society, younger elephants look up to the matriarchs. Why? Because they know where to find the water from 50 years ago.”
There’s a call for you from an Audi
My brother-in-law Reid Nelson of Sheboygan, Wis. caved and purchased his first cellphone. He called his mother on her birthday and after wishing her a euphoric natal day, told her that he was calling while driving.
His mother scolded him for such a hazardous activity.
He tried to calm her by saying that he shouldn’t have been driving 90 miles per hour either.
We think he was kidding. We hope the same.
Did you know?
Most people are 50-65 percent water, which is roughly 40 quarts.
The average life of a major league baseball is seven pitches.
A ruby-throated hummingbird moves at 20 to 30 mph in regular flight propelled by 60-80 wingbeats per second.
Customer comments
Rocky Von Eye of Mitchell, So. Dak. wrote, "Love the 'tick taxi' dog story. We called my little Bischon a tick transport. He also transported the ticks into the house."
Bill Thompson III of Whipple, Ohio met a British farmer who was so tight that when he reached for his wallet, the Queen attended the opening.
Nature notes
I planted a serviceberry in my yard. I like the edible berries. Wildlife loves them. It’s called serviceberry because early settlers used the tree’s spring flowers for burial services when the ground thawed enough to allow them to bury loved ones who had died during the winter. It’s also called Juneberry.
Meeting adjourned
Karen Berg of Fountain sent this quote from Frederick William Faber, "Many a friendship — long, loyal, and self-sacrificing — rested at first upon no thicker a foundation than a kind word."
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I bought a book on feng shui."
"Are you making use of it?"
"Not really. I haven’t figured out where to put the book."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: when and why did we start having derechos?
I’ve learned
Reading Tolkien is Hobbit-forming.
No candle burns longer than another. They all burn shorter.
Parents bear infants and bore teenagers.
The news from Hartland
Anderson's Awnings is a shady business.
Man, who had not eaten meat in 20 years, hit by Veggie’s Meats truck.
Vandals rearrange lawn ornaments during night.
The Third Base Bar & Grill, "Your last stop before home," offers the Heroic Lunch. No sitting allowed. You stand up and take it.
Man wanders aimlessly across the U.S. to call attention to his ADHD.
Have you ever wondered?
How many NASCAR drivers ever get caught for speeding?
If a man thinks he’s being followed, is he suffering from paranoia or egomania?
Why so many cartoon characters wear shirts, but no pants?
She swears it’s true
Nancy Reinhard of Stow, Ohio said that some of her family members are staunch fans of the Ohio State Buckeyes football team. Ohio State has an intense rivalry with Michigan. So much so, that a list was discovered that had been made by an 8-year old boy in the family. The list was of the words that he should never use. Included in amongst the cusswords was the word "Michigan."
Customer comments
Dave Clausen of Amery, Wis. wrote about my remarks as to the ineffectiveness of deer whistles on vehicles, "I must differ with your view on deer whistles. Years ago I had a run of bad luck and hit four deer in less that six months. My insurance agent gave me a set of deer whistles. Being rather busy that day, I just threw them behind the seat of my vet truck. When I traded trucks I didn't have time to install them on the new truck so I put them behind the seat of that truck. That process was repeated each time I traded for maybe five or six trucks. In all that time I never hit another deer. I don't know how well they perform when placed on the bumper but tossed behind the seat, they are 100% effective."
Rick McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario wrote, "If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy man. He will find an easier way to do it."
Andy Johansen of Old Hickory, Tenn. told me that the person coming into a restroom always has the right-of-way over a person leaving the facility.
Stephen Ingraham of Kennebunk, Maine responded to my comments on the multi-colored plastic sheets that some folks used to stick to the TV screens of old black-and-whites to give the impression of color, "My father bought one of those and wouldn’t let anyone remove it from the TV screen for a year."
Dave Reinhard of Stow, Ohio said that a UCC Church not far from his home has a sign in front of it reading, "We are open between Easter and Christmas."
Mike Cotter of Albert Lea, a lifelong farmer and a storyteller par excellence, said that he knew he was getting older when he sat down in a tractor seat, ready to go to work, and his son told him not to touch any of the controls.
Bill Thompson III of Whipple, Ohio, has a dog named Chet Baker, after the late jazz trumpeter. This year, his family has taken to calling the canine a "tick taxi." Chet picks the ticks up and delivers them indoors.
Nature notes
"A flicker is hammering on the chimney cap of our house. Why is it doing that and how can I make it stop?" The flicker is using the cap as a sounding board to attract a female and to proclaim territory. If you could dull the sound by covering the cap with duct tape or cardboard, the flicker will stop. Flickers have a sticky tongue that extends 2 inches beyond their bill that helps them feed on ants. Nestling flickers produce a unique buzzing sound, an ability that lasts until they are nearly full-feathered. The nestlings make the sound whenever something approaches the nest cavity. Researchers speculate that the noise, which resembles a disturbed swarm of bees, might discourage squirrels and other nest predators.
Meeting adjourned
William Wordsworth wrote, "The best portion of a good man's life: his little, nameless unremembered acts of kindness and love."
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I lost three balls today."
"Where were you golfing?"
"Who said anything about golf? I was bowling."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I discovered gold the other day. It came out of a gas pump.
The news from Hartland
The Corporal Store (one day, it will be a General Store) reminds shoppers that the western department is on the east side of the store and that they will match all prices higher than theirs.
Cat arrested and charged with tongue thefts.
Things No One Wants Store offers a 10-for-the-price-of-1 sale.
I’ve learned
"Ah, ha" moments come right after "oh, oh" moments.
Forgetting where you put things is an effective exercise program.
We should listen to our bodies unless they trash talk us.
The boy nose diets
My young grandson was eating some onion-flavored corn snacks and put one of them up his nose.
I related this tale to a friend, who asked a question she already knew the answer to, "I wonder which side of the family he takes after?"
Perhaps this youngster will one day, after eating all the pickles in a jar, save the juice for use as a sandwich dip.
My grandson knows he's supposed to eat the snacks, which I find nasty, but he also knows that he’ll get more attention if he places one in his nose. I think he might have stumbled upon an innovative, new diet. When we want to lose weight, we stuff snacks into a nostril instead of eating them.
Camping with a cat
A friend told me that she and her husband went camping with their seven kids and a cat. They filled a Suburban the size of an apartment with people, camping supplies, and a cat. The cat went along because it wasn’t always easy to find a good cat sitter in that part of the world. They took along a nice china bowl for the cat to eat from. The family did that because they knew that while cats enjoy camping, they don’t want to do without the finer things in life while they are roughing it.
Did you know?
John Wayne was born Marion Morrison in Winterset, Iowa in 1907. He grew up in California and earned his nickname Duke as a child because he was always with his Airedale dog, Duke. People began calling him Little Duke. He liked that name better than Marion and it stuck.
According to the Writers Guild of America the top 10 best written TV series of all time are, in descending order, The Sopranos, Seinfeld, The Twilight Zone, All in the Family, M*A*S*H, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Mad Men, Cheers, The Wire, and The West Wing.
Louisiana is the state with the highest percentage of native-born residents at 78.8 percent. Michigan is second at 76.6. Iowa is seventh (71.7) and Minnesota eleventh (68.8).
Nature notes
I checked a bluebird box housing nesting tree swallows. There was fur in the box. I suspect it had been plucked from an eastern cottontail rabbit that had been killed on the road. Only about 1 percent of bunnies live to be 2 years old. A Buick bugs bunnies. A road isn't the best habitat for a rabbit. It’s bad rabbitat. Almost everywhere else is good habitat for a rabbit. Under the deck of a house is a great spot for a rabbit. It hops out from the security of that location whenever it’s hungry and uses its incisors like scissors to devour vegetation. This has little to do with anything, but a rabbit’s tail is sometimes referred to as a scut. Tree swallows favor large feathers, particularly white ones, for their nests. I surmised that the fur had been placed there by a black-capped chickadee that had considered the nest. Chipping sparrows and tufted titmice also use hair from animals for their nests. There are no titmice in my yard and the chipping sparrows would not use the nest box. A robin’s nest in a small tree teetered precariously in the strong wind. My wife tied the nest in place. The robins didn’t miss a beat in feeding the three babies. It had been dry. It became wet. We all knew it would happen. Each season of each year has its own agenda. It rained hard as I watched the mother robin spread her wings to make sure her nest of babies was adequately covered and kept dry.
Meeting adjourned
A kind word is the voice of a smile.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I learned to ride a horse before I could walk."
"Wow! When did you learn to walk?"
"After I'd learned that I wasn’t very good at riding a horse."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbor — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: why does a lawn covered with dandelions look beautiful compared to a lawn with only a few?
I’ve learned
Most senior moments echo junior moments.
Charging everything doesn’t make one brighter.
I enjoy the company of moody people as long as their moods are good ones.
Scary bridges
I visited with Mike Wallin of Hartland about scary bridges. Mike is a truck driver who travels on many bridges. I admit that I enjoy driving the Mackinac Bridge, even while behind the wheel of a Rent-A-Wreck. The Mackinac Bridge is a suspension bridge spanning the Straits of Mackinac to connect the upper and lower peninsulas of Michigan. It’s five miles long. Not everyone shares my pleasure. Gephyrophobia is an anxiety disorder brought about by the fear of bridges.
Bale tale
Dan Martin of Vermillion, Ohio told me that he grew up on a hilly farm in Southern Ohio. His father baled hay and allowed the bales to drop to the ground. Then he pulled a hayrack near the bales and his three boys loaded the hay onto the rack. One stacked them while the other two carried them to the wagon. The boys became good at the job. So good, that other farmers hired them to bale. They found employment with neighbors who paid them a penny per bale stacked. This wasn’t a white-collar job. It wasn’t even a blue-collar job. It was a ring-around-the-collar job. It was like a big glass of yellowjackets to quench a thirst. The boys put their heads together and decided they needed $1.25 an hour, each. The farmers declared the demand outrageous and refused to pay it. They hired boys from the city — for three days. After that, they met the demand and rehired the original crew.
Happy birthday
Jeanne Nielsen of Pipestone was in a hurry to get to work. Too much of a hurry. She was pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. The officer asked to see Jeanne's drivers license. The officer noticed that it was Jeanne's birthday. The trooper told Jeanne what the fine would be. Then the trooper told Jeanne that she was getting by with a warning as long as she did two things. The first, was to slow down. The second, was that Jeanne should take the money she’d have spent on the fine and buy herself a nice birthday present in that same amount.
Customer comments
Kari Johnson of Perham said, "If you're bored, it’s your own fault."
Darlene Lee of Mankato said that her husband described her as being a cross between a Norwegian and a Swede. Half of each, but mostly cross.
Ona Meyer of Hartland told me that when she was a girl and dropped food onto the floor, her father said, "Would you like your plate down there, too?"
Loren Skelton of Missoula, Montana said that one of his teachers wore her hair in a tight bun because that was the only way she could smile.
Did you know?
The Quarter Pounder Index uses the price of that McDonald’s product with cheese to gauge cost of living differences between cities. The burger costs more than twice as much in Juneau, Alaska than it does in Conway, Arkansas. Hawaii and Alaska make up 40% of the top 10 most expensive places, likely due to increased shipping costs.
Pelican Breeze
Please join me as the Pelican Breeze cruises on Albert Lea Lake at 1:30 p.m. on June 22, July 13, or August 24. Call 507-377-4370 to book a seat.
Nature notes
A deer is the most dangerous mammal in North America. November has the highest rate of these car/deer collisions. Deer are in rut then. Cars may be, too. The harvest removes hiding spots in cornfields and daylight hours grow shorter, meaning dawn and dusk (deer are crepuscular) coincide with the busiest commuting times. According to State Farm’s most recent report, West Virginia is the state where a driver has the greatest chance of colliding with a deer (1 in 40 annually). South Dakota 1 in 68, Iowa 1 in 72, Michigan 1 in 73, and Pennsylvania 1 in 76 round out the top 5 states with the highest risk of a buck-to-bumper. Montana is 1 in 78, Wisconsin 1 in 79, and Minnesota is in 8th place at 1 in 80. Watching for deer crossing signs helps; deer whistles mounted on bumpers don't. When you see one deer, look for another.
Meeting adjourned
A kind word is priceless.
More...
Echoes from the Loafers Club Meeting
"This nice weather brings fond memories of the time I ran that marathon."
"I remember that. You ran only 50 yards."
"I know, but I made good time."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: What would archaeologists discover if they made the area behind the cushions of your couch the site of a dig?
I’ve learned
That after the Oklahoma tornado, I'll never complain about our weather again.
The breakfast sandwich is the most important sandwich of the day.
Gas prices go up when the grass grows tall.
Ask Al
"Why do you stay in Hartland?" To see what happens next.
"Why?" Why not?
"Why did your wife marry a man so much taller than she is?" It’s good for her posture.
"Have you always been funny?" The day I was born, people laughed.
"When did you start to travel?" I began traveling when a neighbor told me to get off his lawn.
Have you ever wondered?
What age we are when we find it necessary to lick a thumb or forefinger in order to turn the pages of a book or magazine? A dampened digit does come in handy. I know that if my finger is wet, I am turning the page forward. If my thumb is wet, I am paging backward to check on something I’d read or missed.
Fattigmann forever
While visiting with a couple of my wife's relatives from Norway, I learned more about fattigmann — a type of Norwegian fried-dough cookie. I’ve eaten the stuff, but knew nothing more about it other than I liked it. Fattigmann is eaten in the areas of North America where Scandinavians settled. The dough is made from egg yolks, egg whites, sugar, cream, brandy (optional), cinnamon, cardamom, and flour. Vanilla and other things can be a part. Fattigmann means "poor man." It's from the ingredients that it gets its name. The joke is that fattigmann was so expensive to make, that making it would leave you a poor man.
The Lewis, Clark, and Batt Expedition
Lewis and Clark had a supply list that included 25 hatchets, 10.5 pounds of fishing hooks and lines, 12 pounds of soap, 3 bushels of salt, 45 flannel shirts, 15 pairs of wool overalls, 176 pounds of gunpowder, 130 rolls of tobacco, 4,600 sewing needles, a microscope, a telescope, 2 sextants, 15 .54-caliber rifles, and 600 of Dr. Rush's patented "Thunderclapper" pills — a laxative made from mercury and jalapeños. All this and more went into three boats.
Had it been the Lewis, Clark, and Batt Expedition, Watkins Petro-Carbo Salve would have been on each boat. It was first aid in a round, red tin. We applied it to cuts, burns, scrapes, bites, and wounds of undetermined origin. It has been known by many names — black salve, carbolic salve, black ointment, udder balm, drawing salve, bag balm, and cow salve. I’ve heard it called "doorknob salve" because it was so good it would grow hair on a doorknob. Or maybe it was because it could be put on the doorknob to keep the kids out.
Watkins, located in Winona, introduced this product in 1888. The active ingredient is phenol (carbolic acid). It’s no longer black in color, but the nostalgic aroma remains just as it was. Its unique odor derives from botanicals such as camphor, oil of spruce, and cajeput oil (a tea tree relative). It was used on everything from skinned knees to burns and boils. If what I had couldn’t be cured with this salve, I was in serious trouble.
Once upon a time, I could tell a rich farmer from a poor farmer. The rich farmer kept a can of Watkins Petro-Carbo Salve in the house for his family and another one in the barn for the cattle. The poor farmer carried his one tin back and forth between the house and the barn.
Nature notes
Shakespeare wrote, "Like to the lark at break of day arising from sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate." Larks are grassland birds. Lacking the use of trees, the lark sings melodiously on wing. We have but one species of the classical lark here--the horned lark. The eastern and western meadowlarks are members of the blackbird family. I see meadowlarks singing while perched upon posts; their breasts highlighted by the sun in such a way that it appears the birds are wearing cardigan sweaters.
Meeting adjourned
Without kindness, life is a suitcase with no handle.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I wish I’d have gone out for baseball when I was in high school."
"Why?"
"Do you know what I’d be making if I were playing for the Minnesota Twins today?"
"Sure. You'd be making everyone wonder why you are on the team."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I’ve never heard anyone, quarter or otherwise, singing in a barbershop.
I’ve learned
The best way to save face is to keep the lower half of it shut.
If I’ve seen one shopping center, I’ve seen a mall.
My opinion represents those of one seven-billionth of the world.
Mothers, purses and deer
My wife searched for something in her purse. She dug deep for the elusive item, only to discover that it was right at the top.
"If it had been a snake, it would have bitten you," I said. That’s one of the things we say in such instances.
Dad had one check in his wallet. Mom had money in her purse. She was always willing to give me some of her moolah at 6 percent.
Actually, my mother was willing to give her offspring everything.
Jan Jerdee of Albert Lea told me that deer are common sights on her lawn. This spring, a doe brought three young triplets to the yard. Because of the May snowstorm, there was little for them to eat. The doe stood up on her back legs to kick persistent crabapples from the branches of a tree. The fawns ate the crabapples. Jan added, "A mother is a mother."
The chickens weren’t wearing stocking caps
The caller told me he was unemployed. He had spent the winter in Arizona. He figured if he couldn’t afford to eat, he might as well go hungry in warm weather.
When the weather warmed in the spring, we opened the door to the henhouse, permitting the chickens to once again become free range. Tired of being cooped up, the chickens rushed from the henhouse like students coming out of a grade school at recess.
I enjoyed saying, "Gentlemen, start your chickens," when I opened the door.
A neighbor drew a line through the middle of the floor of his chicken house. That way, a hen could lay it on the line.
The chickens may be loose and the snow has melted, but in the middle of May, I spotted a pickup truck with a mounted snowplow on the front. He wasn't late for last winter; he was early for next winter. I’m not sure if the driver was pessimistic or optimistic.
When forks fly
My wife and one of her best friends, Linda Brekke of Owatonna, journeyed to Washington, D.C. Linda is a farm broadcaster on the radio and needed to be in our nation's capital for a convention related to her job. The two attended a function at the Chinese Embassy, where they were fed well. They were given plastic silverware. Linda was using her fork, when the plastic tableware snapped and part of the utensil flew across the banquet hall. Linda was worried that she might have created an international incident.
So far, so good. There has been no retaliation, but please, everyone, keep your fingers crossed.
The chair of the cemetery
I told a kind gentleman at St. John’s Lutheran Church of Elkton that I had done a radio show from the cemetery near that church. I’ve done countless radio shows from cemeteries. Graveyards are lovely places to walk and talk. He told me he had purchased a monument for his gravesite. It is a bench. That’s nice. It will offer his friends and family a place to sit a spell and visit.
Nature notes
Dead opossums acted as speed bumps on a rural road. Vultures were on the side of the road paying their last respects to a coot.
I sang to the vultures as I drove by, "One of these days, these coots are going to walk all over you."
To a turkey vulture, our roads are long buffet tables. Vultures are part of nature’s sanitation crew. The coyote is another that feeds heavily on roadkill. However, a study showed that in some urban areas, 40% of a coyote’s diet consists of cats. Any cat outdoors is subject to many threats — a coyote is but one of them. A coyote averages 30 pounds, but each time I see one, I reckon it larger.
Meeting adjourned
Be kind and place others at the receiving end of that heavenly combination, a wave and a smile.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky? Is it Louieville or Luisville?"
"I say Louieville."
"You're wrong, it’s Frankfort."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I think there are oceans on the moon, but some claim that is luna sea.
I’ve learned
Shoestrings can be used as floss in an emergency.
Not to forget the mashed potatoes when making a bucket list
Anyone can palm a basketball if he lets enough air out of it.
The news from Hartland
Ann Chovey’s Pizza Shop is now serving breakfast. It’s cold pizza.
Conan the Barber provides haircuts while you wait.
Deer hunting by Buick season opens.
Noshing
I sat in a food co-op enjoying a slice of cheese, a scone, and tea.
I said to my much better half, "This is a busy place."
I say that often. Eat joints are busy.
I loved going to the dime store when I was a boy. They sold birds, turtles, hamsters, and grilled cheese sandwiches. Not all on the menu. That was a busy place, too.
I hoped that I wasn’t sitting in someone’s favorite chair in the co-op. That might put him off his feed. I’d visited a small, country church where a woman told me that she had sat in the same pew since she was 11 years old. I’d hoped she’d gotten up a few times. My wife's Aunt Ingeborg had an assigned seat in a pew at Trinity Lutheran for several millenniums. She believed that if she’d changed pews, it would have exhibited a callous disregard for religious tradition.
We aren’t set in our ways. We’re consistent.
Horses without training wheels
Bruce Switzer rode a horse alongside his five-year old grandson on their ranch near Burwell, Nebraska. The little boy slid off his pony. Bruce scrambled from his steed and was relieved to find that his grandson was unhurt. Bruce asked what happened. His grandson replied, "The horse was running faster than I could ride."
Pursuing postcards
I was in a bookstore in Cleveland, Ohio when I found myself attempting to read the tattoo on a young man's forearm. He told me an odd tale of what the letters meant. It made no sense to me, but he seemed chuckled by it. He then smiled, looked around the store and said, "They have some pretty awesome crap here."
I was searching for postcards. I’m a fan of postcards. I send my wife a postcard each night I’m away from home. The bookstore had none. Neither had a hotel, drugstore, or supermarket. I made an executive decision to buy postcards at the airport on my way home. After going through security, I headed to Hudson News, a vendor of books, newspapers, snacks, and other things for travelers. I bought postcards picturing local scenes. After addressing and stamping the postcards, I added appropriate whimsy and embarked on seeking a mailbox. After a grueling search, I gave up. I stopped and asked the clerk at Hudson News where I might find a mailbox. She said there were no mailboxes inside the airport, but there was one located just outside the terminal. That meant I’d have to go through security again. I didn't relish the prospect. My face must have betrayed my thoughts. The kind clerk said that she’d gladly mail the postcards for me when she finished her shift. She did. My wife got the postcards. Things worked out.
It May snow
Phones are amazing. They allow a person to be in two places at once. I did an interview for a radio station in Ohio. I babbled via phone from my home. The host said that it was a sunny 74 degrees outside his studio. He asked me how the weather was in Minnesota. I told him. It was May and 18 inches of snow had fallen in my yard. There was silence, a sin in the radio industry. I assured him that the Buckeye State and the Gopher State used the same calendar.
Nature notes
Roger Batt of Algona asks how an earthworm digs a hole. The earthworm digs a burrow by eating its way through the soil. As the worm digs, it swallows the dirt and digests the decaying plant and food matter in the dirt. The soil passes through the earthworm’s body and is left on the ground in little castings. The earthworm eats itself into house and home.
Meeting adjourned
People think of you as often as you think of them. Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers Club Meeting
I complained to the assessor’s office about my real estate taxes. The guy there had only two words for me about my taxes."
"What were the two words?"
"Pay them."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: how is it that I'm able to sleep better on the sofa, with the lights on and the TV blaring, than in bed?
I’ve learned
One bad job can give you all the experience you’ll need.
If they couldn’t fly, flies would be called "walks."
You’re lucky if you’re lucky.
The news from Hartland
Man tries to lose weight by riding an exercise bike to work. He lost 40 pounds and his job.
Man breaks tooth while eating Body Chex cereal.
Diner claims that the soup of the day suffered from irritable bowl syndrome.
The cafe chronicles
The coffee was considered ready to drink when the spoon floated to the top. Lies fell like rain. "The fish were biting so well on Lake Inferior that I had to hide behind a tree to bait the hook." "Bacon bits come from guinea pigs."
Someone brought up the time when the girls chanted, "Boys are rotten, made of cotton. Girls are handy, made of candy. Boys go to Jupiter, to get even stupider. Girls go to Mars, to get candy bars."
Spring is always somewhere
The day had been rain and snow. Winter is the new spring. Not long before sunset, the sun fell below the clouds and brightened my world with sunlight. It’s as if the sun were saying, "This is what it would be like if you lived in Yuma, Ariz. (the sunniest city in the US according to The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration which ranked cities based on the percentage of annual possible sunshine).
This year, spring fever is double pneumonia. Not many flowers to be seen, but red noses are blooming in the cold. I want to encourage spring. There is an actor, who appears in most of Adam Sandler’s movies, by the name of Rob Schneider. Schneider’s job in many of the films is to say, "You can do it!"
I want to be that guy for spring. "Hey, spring! You can do it!"
An odyssey
I rose shortly after going to bed. I needed to catch a plane. I showered, but the cobwebs clung to the corners of my brain. As I put on my clothes, I couldn’t remember if I was outside trying to get in or inside trying to get out.
I spoke in Alberta. Banff and the Rockies tickled me to a color far beyond pink. A good share of the province’s population resides in Calgary and Edmonton. Edmonton is the smaller of the two cities, but I couldn’t help but have "The Wreck of the Edmonton Fitzgerald" find a roost in my brain.
Customer comments
Phil Barton of Rochester told me that he’d taken a part-time job at Dollar Tree. He enjoys the work even if he is just a Phil-in.
Stan Fitz of Rockford wrote "Rumor has it that summer will be on a Saturday this year."
Did you know?
The Sheldon (Iowa) High School teams are nicknamed the Orabs. An Orab is a blend of the school's colors, orange and black.
Nature notes
The plains pocket gopher is a Minnesota gopher that isn’t the Minnesota Gopher. It eats mostly plant roots but also some aboveground parts, including alfalfa crown buds. They often burrow in the most productive field areas that have the most available food supplies. They destroy vegetation directly over their burrows, creating thin plant stands or bare spots. Surveys have found that lambsquarters, bull thistle, ragweed, foxtail, and cockle are in greater numbers when gopher mounds were present. Gopher mounds on slopes create bare patches that are vulnerable to erosion. Gophers reduce alfalfa yields and can damage mowing and baling equipment. Holes near the surface can injure grazing animals. Gopher excavation does have some benefits. It increases water infiltration and reduces soil compaction. When I was a boy and most farms kept cattle, most farm boys trapped pocket gophers. Minnesota was tabbed the “Gopher State” in 1857 after a cartoon, depicting gophers with the heads of local politicians pulling a locomotive, was published, referencing proposed legislation for a railroad in western Minnesota. The 13-lined ground squirrel is the animal that is the mascot for the University of Minnesota.
Meeting adjourned
"The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being."--The Dalai Lama