Compostings (267)
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“I like mowing the lawn. It gives me a chance to think.”
“What do you think about?”
“About not mowing the lawn.”
I’ve learned
1. A garden can be a melondrama.
2. That most sweatpants never do.
3. That global warming is caused by heated arguments about what causes global warming.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: a man will never be as good as he was when he filled out a job application.
Employee of the month
I was on the road far from home. I needed a couple of things. Next to the hotel I was staying in was a large box store. Because it was just a few steps away, I decided to patronize it rather than driving elsewhere. I found the items after some searching and hiking. There were countless checkout lanes, but most were not operating. The "10 items or less" express lane that should have been the "10 items or fewer lane" express lane was crowded with shoppers. I decided to use the self-checkout lane. I pulled it off without a hitch even though I’d had no formal training as a cashier. I was so good at it that I hope to get the employee of the month award and a coveted parking place. Maybe on my next visit, the store will allow me to stock some shelves.
Ask a dumb question
I was a teenager repairing a fence on an incredibly hot and humid day. I was working like a man possessed on a farm that seemed far from everywhere.
A car pulled into the drive and the driver noticed me toiling. He parked, got out of his car, and walked towards me. He was all slicked up, so I marked him a salesman.
"Is your father home?" he asked.
I looked up from the barbed wire that had sliced my arm and said, "Do you think I’d be working this hard if he weren’t?"
Seeing a ceiling fan
I sat in a lovely church listening to the sermon. I noticed a little boy near me looking up. I looked up. A man has to look up when someone else looks up. It’s a law, like gravity. I saw what the boy was looking at. It was a ceiling fan. A wobbly ceiling fan. An extremely wobbly ceiling fan. I was sure it was safe, but not completely sure. It was a serious wobble. I looked at the pastor and tried to listen hard to his words. He said that a person never knows when his or her time is up.
When he said that, I looked up. I’m sure that the minister thought I was offering a prayer. I might have been, but it was to a wobbly ceiling fan.
Signs of spring
1. Turkey vultures return. They have a rocky flight with wings held in a dihedral (a semi-V) shape.
2. Robins? Many robins winter here. Those that migrate and return may need three snows on their tails before it’s truly spring.
3. Mosquitoes. We need a recipe for deep-fried mosquitoes on a stick.
4. UPS drivers wearing shorts.
5. My neighbor Crandall returns my snow blower and borrows my lawn mower.
Why women outlive men
I wrote that more men than women are hit by lightning. A friend from Michigan named Bob Hess asked why that was. When tornadoes threaten, my wife grabs blankets, pillows, enough food for three months, and a combination radio/flashlight that is cranked before huddling in that secret corner of the basement that is supposed to be the safest. Where am I while she hunkers in a spot that eliminates the negative and accentuates the positive? I'm walking to the end of our drive to try to see the tornado. There is an old joke that says no woman will ever have, "Hey, guys, watch this," as a tombstone epitaph. While women are avoiding what might get them, men are trying to see what is going to get them.
Winter in the rearview mirror
Winter was mild--a phantom. A winter of our content. Winter is never perfect. It doesn’t have to be. A mild winter maintains a presence in our minds. "We’ll pay for that," is a common refrain. Winter torments us even when it’s benign.
Nature notes
Male robins are more brightly colored than females. They have blacker heads and tails, rustier breasts, and more black and white streaking on the throats. The first robins to return in spring are males.
Meeting adjourned
Kindness is contagious.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“Why do you wear such an ugly tie?”
“It’s my favorite.”
“It has food stains all over it.”
“That’s why it’s my favorite tie.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I remember when car trouble was something other than being unable to pay for the gas.
I’ve learned
1. I’d better laugh at myself because others are laughing at me.
2. I became a grown-up when my first reaction to someone falling down became concern rather than laughter.
3. Every defendant should be required to go to trial looking just as he or she did when arrested.
No butts about recycling
I took a carload of recycling to the place where one takes a carload of recycling. As I put the paper and plastic into their respective bins, I was happy to see that much recycling had been done. As I prepared to leave, I saw a pile of cigarette filters on the ground. I spotted another pile of filters not 20 feet away. People emptied their vehicles’ ashtrays near the recycling bins. Various sources say that it takes 18 months to 10 years for a cigarette filter to decompose. I hoped that someone not only felt guilty for dumping the cigarette filters, but also looked as guilty as a cat with feathers on its chin.
I don’t like to be shelfish, but…
I walked into a bookstore in Kearney, Nebraska.
A young clerk met me near the door and asked, "Are you finding everything okay?"
"Pardon me," I stuttered out in response, grinning like a sackful of opossum heads.
"Sorry," she said, realizing I hadn’t had a chance to find anything okay or otherwise, "force of habit."
I love bookstores. There is knowledge, imagination, and consistency on the shelves. The consistency is that books remain on the wrong shelves for me. When I was short, the ones I wanted to look at were on the highest shelves. Now that I am tall and creaky-kneed, the books that grab my interest are on the lowest shelves.
Small town chronicles
Walt Popp of Hastings is a biologist. He and his wife moved, with their three toddlers, from New York City to Grand Marais. It was the first time either of them had lived in a small town. Shortly after the move, Mrs. Popp visited the Grand Marais post office with her 2-year-old son and 6-month-old twins in tow. She was greeted by the postal clerk, "You must be the new biologist’s wife. You won’t need any stamps. Your husband bought some this morning."
Mrs. Popp was learning what living in a small town is like.
It’s a bumpy road
Gas prices were higher than a cat’s back. I was moving about the country. Travel can be perilous. I once rode in a Dodge Ram. I couldn’t help wondering if the vehicle knew when to Dodge and when to Ram. This time, I was traveling down a washboard road in Nebraska. The gravel was rough enough that I found 10 miles per hour the maximum speed I could drive and keep all my fillings in place. I came to a bend in the road. There was a sign with a directional arrow indicating that the speed limit on the curve was 15 miles per hour. I considered speeding up, but thought better of it.
Did you know?
The state with the highest median age is Maine. Utah has the lowest.
Starting with the next school year, Kentucky will join Illinois in having bass fishing as a varsity sport.
Nature notes
While speaking during the sandhill crane migration in Kearney, Nebraska, I visited Audubon’s Rowe Sanctuary near the Platte River. The sanctuary has 15,000 human visitors during the 6-week period that the cranes visit. Rowe Sanctuary offers blinds that are opportunities to be near the cranes without disturbing them. After feeding in the abundant cornfields, flock follows flock to a night roost on sandbars in the Platte. Their river dance forced me to measure my pleasure in miles. Friends and I gathered in a blind to get a close look at the spectacle. I watched intently as the birds flew in. The cranes became a beautiful bouquet in which the flowers arranged themselves. I listened to the cranes. Their calls are voices of antiquity--the sound of nature calling. I’ve been in the blinds many times and have learned that it is possible to put the genie back into the bottle.
Congratulations
Not only to NRHEG’s girls’ basketball team, but also to all the students of NRHEG. You make us proud.
Meeting adjourned
Be kind. Someone needs you to be.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“I planted some birdseed.”
“Trying to grow a bird?”
“No. If a bird comes up, I won’t have anything to feed it.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: two words have opened a lot of doors for me — push and pull.
I’ve learned
1. To make myself into someone with whom I’ll enjoy spending time.
2. Roy Rogers taught me that if I wanted to wear a white hat, I sometimes need to saddle up and ride.
3. If I use my head, I can find a low doorframe.
Ride ’em cowboy
I was teaching a writing class at Bethany Lutheran College when a student from New Ulm leaned too far back in his chair and tipped over. I was relieved to see that the young man was unhurt. I told him that it was nothing to be ashamed of. The chair was a former rodeo chair and had never been ridden before.
Does the five-second rule apply to what I hear?
My mother was adamant that I washed my hands thoroughly before coming to the table. She even demanded that I washed behind my ears. I guess that was so I could hear the food better. I scrubbed my hands briskly before sitting down to eat. The meal wouldn’t be of long duration before I dropped a piece of food to the floor. Mom advised me to pick the food from the floor under the five-second rule. Apparently, it takes germs five seconds to climb onto fallen food. It was part of a mother/germs agreement. I snatched the food from the floor with my extremely clean hands and ate it. The area behind my ears remained immaculate.
Church shoes
As the minister talked, my attention was diverted to the bright white shoes worn by the man seated next to me. I call such shoes "tennis shoes." I’m sure they have another name, but I’m not sure what it is. They were so incredibly white that I wished I’d been wearing sunglasses. The man was sound asleep, snoring lightly. Occasionally, he’d make a "huh" sound in his sleep. He was entertaining, to say the least, but I couldn’t stop looking at those white shoes. I wondered how he kept them so white. His wife glared at him as if she wished that he had a snooze button. I noticed she was digging around in her purse. I feared she was searching for a hammer to use to awaken her husband. She pulled out a small, folding scissors. I worried that she was going to stab her slumbering spouse, but she used the scissors to clip a product tag (it looked like a price tag) from his brand new shoes. That was why they were so white. I went back to listening to the minister. I hoped I hadn’t missed too much important stuff.
My neighbor
My neighbor Bob the Olson told me that he was tired. I asked him if he had stayed up too late. He told me that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that he got up twirly.
Twirly? Oh, too early.
Bob the Olson names all of his dogs after himself. That way he doesn’t forget their names.
Nature notes
“A crazy robin is bashing into my window. What can I do?” It's likely a male that feels a powerful urge to chase other males away from his territory. The window turns into a mirror when the light hits it right. When a territorial bird sees its image in a reflective surface such as a window, it perceives its reflection as a rival and tries to drive the intruder away. This is how the fight starts. Reflections in windows refuse to retreat, so the fight continues. When the robin assumes an aggressive pose, so does his opponent in the glass. Cover the outside of the window with a screen, soap, cardboard, painter's drop cloth, wax paper, spray frost, or opaque plastic that breaks up the reflection. If you cover the inside of the window, draw the blinds, or close the curtains, it aggravates the problem because it enhances the mirrored image. If the robin is intent on finding a fight, it will search for imaginary opponents in other windows. I’ve had robins fight with the outside mirrors on a car. I covered the mirrors with a bag held in place by a rubber band until the robin’s hormonal level dropped or he became too busy with nestlings.
Meeting adjourned
A kind word is a spring day.
ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING
“We haven’t had a single customer today.”
“That’s the way I like it.”
“How do you expect to pay the bills?”
“Who said that I expect to pay the bills?”
DRIVING BY THE BRUCES
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if only Daylight Saving Time saved daylight that we could use whenever we needed it.
I’VE LEARNED
1. I have to buy a ticket before I can win the lottery.
2. Not every restaurant serves food.
3. An alarm clock going off is better than one not going off.
SMILE, YOU’RE ON A TRAIL CAM
Neal Batt of Hartland showed me some wonderful photos taken by his trail camera. A deer captured in the instrument’s eye licked the lens of the camera. Trail cams have become so popular that one might wonder if there is a deer in Minnesota that hasn’t had its photo taken. I’d like to have a hood cam — a camera that would take the place of a hood ornament and provide a snapshot of whatever that was that scurried across the road in front of my car.
THE CAFE CHRONICLES
I could have inhaled a meal in this eatery. It was a restaurant where this discussion could have taken place:
“This isn’t what I ordered.”
“You wouldn’t want what you ordered.”
“Well, I don’t want this either.”
“Then what difference does it make?”
I was sitting in a cafe having no need for a furnace. The customers brought their own hot air. It wasn’t a restaurant requiring a clean gimme cap. I was talking to an old friend and classmate who resides in a house made from tires. I resisted the impulse to ask him if he needed to rotate his walls. Someone asked him what color his earth-sheltered home was. It was a hard question to answer. The house is covered with vegetation, so it is green in summer, brown in fall, and white during the winter.
I was as happy as a hand fed hog as we talked about his time spent working in Antarctica. We talked briefly about school days when it was my job to talk our teachers in from the ledge and we struggled with word problems such as, “If train A leaves Minneapolis at 8 a.m. going 60 miles per hour and train B leaves Chicago at 9 a.m. going 75 miles per hour, how long will it take you to fail this test?”
MOVING ON UP
I’d met the caller years ago when I’d told stories at a casino in Reno, Nevada. He lived in a small town in Nevada that had grown from 225 to 176 during the years he had lived there. He called to tell me that he was moving to Minneapolis. I asked him why he was moving to a city with such a large population. He answered that with so many people, it should be easy for him to find one who is nice. He was moving in March and wondered if he should bring a jacket. I advised him to bring a fire.
TIME MANAGEMENT
I had a lot of work to do. I knew I would kick myself if I didn’t finish it as soon as possible. A loved one was playing in a basketball game at the same time as I should have been working. I decided to work later when I should be sleeping. I drove to Redwood Falls to watch her play. I had to. I knew that I would kick myself even harder if I didn’t.
NATURE NOTES
Do birds have taste buds? Birds have taste buds, but not nearly as many as man does. Rabbits have about 17,000 taste buds, pigs 15,000, humans 9,000, mallards 375, starlings 200, pigeons 50, and chickens 24. The tastes perceptible to us are sweet, sour, bitter, salt, umami (characteristic of monosodium glutamate,) and lutefisk.
BBRP EXPO
The Bluebird Recovery Program Expo will be on Saturday April 14 at Byron Middle School. It will feature Minnesota Raptor Center birds, Tom Comfort speaking on the key factors in bluebird nest box locations, Keith Radel on fledgling rate improvement and safety, Mike Jersek on buffalo gnat control on baby bluebirds, Kelly Applegate on purple martins, Roger Strand on wood ducks, and heaps of hot air from this hick from Hartland. There will be vendors, food, and friends. Find more information at http://bbrp.org, (507) 332-7003, or e-mail to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
MEETING ADJOURNED
Being kind is the least we can do.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“What are those?”
“Those are the parts left over after I fixed the tractor.”
“Will it run without those parts?”
“Probably not, but it didn’t run with them either.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: at a four-way stop intersection, the vehicle displaying the most duct tape goes first.
I’ve learned
1. A do-it-yourself project must be prepared to self-construct.
2. Never yell “Fire” in a gun shop.
3. Dogs always think that a knock on the door is for them.
My neighbor
Old Man McGinty, the youngest Old Man McGinty ever, told me that one of the unfortunate things about outliving the high school classmates that he was trying to impress way back when is that they will never know just what a good, smart, happy, and loving person he really is because they will never have the chance to read his obituary. Old Man McGinty said that he was pulled over for speeding recently, but the police officer let him go when Old Man McGinty pleaded that he didn’t have the memory he once had and if he did not hurry up and get there, he might forget where he was going.
A fuel’s paradise
I was pumping gas. I watched the price of my purchase climb precipitously high. I once claimed that filling the gas tank doubled the value of my car. I said that because of my math ability. I always had two A’s on my report card — one in "Allen" and the other in "Batt." Now I’ve realized that when I fill the tank it comes to an amount so high that I’ve paid less for a used car.
Fine
"Fine!"
My wife said that. That meant things were not fine. When a man says, "Fine," it means fine. When a woman says it, it’s the anti-fine — a dictionary away from a man’s “fine.”
"What’s wrong?" I ask, realizing too late that silence might have been a better choice.
"Nothing."
"Are you mad?" I persist.
"I’m not mad."
Men know instinctively that if a woman might be mad at us, she is.
"What are you then?" I wonder aloud.
"I’m not mad. I’m miffed, nettled, peeved, displeased, annoyed, and irritated, but I’m not mad."
Thank goodness.
A sign
I signed the credit card signature pad at the supermarket. What I scribbled looked nothing like my signature. I could have just as well drawn a smiley face. It was a sad thing to do to a signature. I recall practicing how to sign my name so that it would look outstanding on my driver’s license and on other important documents. I wrote it with and without my middle initial.
My signature has eroded with time and use. If I continue to use the credit card signature pads, it will soon be reduced to an X.
Getting my goat
Years ago, I bought a pair of goats from Larry Bartness. I paid cash. It seemed like the proper way to buy goats.
The goats were both females. One was white and one was black. I called the white goat Blackie and the black one Whitey to differentiate them.
The goats made interesting company. They were stubborn, mischievous, and loved to eat things they shouldn’t. We butted heads, metaphorically, because we had too much in common.
I showed a different goat at the county fair. The fair brought in doofuses like me to show animals so that fairgoers would understand that “dumb” animals were smarter than I was. The goat I showed (or tried to show) in the 4-H ring had apparently corresponded with Blackie and Whitey. It wouldn’t do anything I wanted it to do. It wouldn’t do anything but poop where I could easily step in goat exhaust. I was good at doing that.
I didn’t win a ribbon, but I had that hircine stink. I gave my two goats back to Larry Bartness. I lost money on the goats, but it was worth it to lose the goats.
Nature notes
In wild animals, rabies is most common in bats, skunks, raccoons, and foxes. It is found in deer, woodchucks, cats, dogs, and cattle. Chipmunks, opossums, mice, rabbits, rats, and squirrels rarely get rabies. Birds, fish, insects, amphibians, and reptiles do not contract rabies.
An eight-hooter is a nickname for the barred owl that often produces an eight-hoot call, “Who cooks for you, who cooks for you-all.”
Meeting adjourned
Kindness comes more from tiny pushes than from mighty shoves.
Want to live long? Turn the frown upside down
Written by Jim LutgensEchoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"Anything exciting happen here today?"
"How should I know?"
"You were here all day."
"Yeah, but I wasn’t paying attention."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: the cars ahead and behind are there to annoy other drivers.
I’ve learned
1. Not to wait for my reflection in the mirror to smile first.
2. Good mothers turn off mixers before allowing children to lick the beaters.
3. The quickest way to get rid of a contractor is to hire him.
Did you know?
There are three parking spaces per automobile in the U.S.
A 2010 Wayne State University research project examined the baseball card photos of Major League players from 1952. The study found that the span of a player’s smile could predict his lifespan. Players who didn’t smile in their pictures lived an average of 72.9 years, while players with beaming smiles lived an average of 79.9 years.
The rumbling of the stomach is called borborygmus.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
I needed to stop at a mink farm before going to church. The mink farm raised mink, foxes, and skunks. I pulled into the farm, got out of my car, and was greeted by the owner and a skunk. The skunk was a pet not his business partner. He handed the skunk to me, telling me what a fine companion it would make. He claimed it was cleaner than a cat. I was dressed in a suit and tie. I was wearing my church shoes, but I wasn’t thinking. I held the skunk. It was cute, but smelly. Back in my car, my task completed, I drove to church. I noticed that I had acquired an odor. I chewed a number of Certs — “It’s a breath mint! It’s a candy mint! It’s two, two, two mints in one!” — in the misguided belief that it might cut the smell. In church, I was as popular as a woodpecker in a cabinetmaker’s shop. I had my own p.u. and my own pew.
Watching TV
In her retirement, my mother loved watching Little House on the Prairie and Wheel of Fortune. She received 10 TV channels on a good day at the farm, so it was possible she could watch one of those programs three times in a single day.
I sat with my mother as she watched Michael Landon and his family deal with their problems on Little House on the Prairie.
"Oh," she said, "I saw this one yesterday."
I suggested we change the channel.
"That’s O.K.," she replied, indicating there was no need to search for another TV show. "It’s still good."
Hoodie Hoo Day
On February 20 at noon, my wife and I ran outside, waved our hands over our heads, and shouted “Hoodie Hoo!” This is what scares winter away. If we didn’t do this, winter would never leave. Doing the “Hoodie Hoo” has worked every year. Winter has always ended and spring has always arrived.
My Army physical
The doctor whispered, “Can you read the letters on that wall?’
There weren’t any letters on the wall. “What letters?” I asked.
“Splendid,” said the doctor. “You passed the hearing test.”
Nature notes
I heard the call of a red-tailed hawk in my yard. It wasn’t a hawk. It was a starling mimicking a hawk. The European starlings in North America descended from 100 birds released in New York City's Central Park in the 1890s. A group that wanted the United States to have all the birds mentioned by Shakespeare introduced the starlings. Because of this introduction, all the starlings in North America are closely related. Slight genetic variation often means trouble for a species, but starlings appear to suffer no ill effects. Starlings are able to fly at speeds up to 48 mph and are impressive vocal mimics. An individual starling could imitate the calls of 20 different species. Starlings regularly mimic the songs of the peewee, meadowlark, robin, flicker, cowbird, killdeer, and others.
Talking to the Holstein
I was talking to the Holstein the other day. The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. She chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, “The dog used to run circles around us and nip at our heels to keep us together. I hated him until I realized that you always herd the ones you love.”
Meeting adjourned
William Arthur Ward wrote, "When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves."
It’s O.K. to kindly yell at anyone but the ref
Written by Jim LutgensECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING
“What’s wrong with your car?” “My first thought was that it’s the frammydeuce.”
“What’s a frammydeuce?”
“I don’t know, but it was my first thought.”
DRIVING BY THE BRUCES
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Two wrongs don’t make a right. Three lefts do.
I’VE LEARNED
1. Those who can laugh at themselves are worth knowing.
2. Our education system is the goodest in the land.
3. A baseball game adds flavor to a hotdog.
JUST IN TIME FOR NEXT VALENTINE’S DAY
Next year, I will say this to the lovely woman with whom I have shared a hamper for years.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you.
Next year, I intend on celebrating Valentine’s Day on February 15 because candy and flowers are half-price then.
MY NEIGHBOR
My neighbor Throgmorton has many stories. Not all of them start with, “Once, while I was deer hunting.” He has one story that begins, “Once, while I was pheasant hunting.”
His oldest son is named Oswald III. His father told him that he is a III because the first two wouldn’t listen to their father.
ANOTHER HICK IN THE MALL
I was in the mall. It’s not my natural habitat. We were shopping and I had drifted away from my wife. It wasn’t my fault. There was no shopping cart for me to stay near. We’ve been married for many years, so a good deal of time passed before my lovely bride realized I had gone missing. She pulled her cell phone from her purse and called my cell phone. I answered using an assumed name because the tone of her voice frightened me. She demanded, “Where are you?”
I calmly replied, “Honey, you remember that jewelry store where you saw the diamond necklace that you fell in love with and I told you that it would be yours one day?”
My wife fell nearly speechless, before saying sweetly, “Yes, I remember that, my love.”
I continued, “Well, I’m in the bookstore by that jewelry store.”
THEY ARE SAYING
A woman at Our Savor’s Lutheran Church in Austin said that her young grandchild reported some of her shenanigans from school, but comforted her grandmother by saying, “Don’t worry. What happens in school, stays in school.”
Gerald Potter of Ohio told me that he and his wife winter in Gulf Shores, Alabama. A sign on the condominium they reside in reads, “Caution: Snowbird nesting area.”
A POLAR BEAR CLUB MEMBER IN THE SHOWER
I’ve always admired the members of a Polar Bear Club, but to jump into frigid water on purpose is not on my bucket list. I fear that such actions might anger Boreas. I have been in a shower when my wife (accidentally?) flushed the toilet. In our current abode, such an action makes the water scalding hot, but in a previous house, flushing the toilet turned the shower cold enough that it could have been the Polar Bear Club membership chairman. I still shudder at the thought.
WATCHING BASKETBALL
I was seated in the stands. It was like sitting on concrete only harder. I was watching a family member play basketball. I played basketball for mumbleteenth years. It was fun, but watching is more difficult than playing. I want those I love to do well, find joy, and escape unhurt.
“Traveling,” I said softly. I never yell such things. At least, I haven’t yet.
“Good shot. Nice pass. Good defense. Nice rebound. Good hustle.”
I say those things much louder than I say, “Traveling.”
I say, “Good shot. Nice pass. Good defense. Nice rebound. Good hustle,” in response to the good play of either team. The only difference is that I say them louder for the team with a roster that contains my loved one. I don’t yell at the refs. I’ve been a ref. I try to yell kindly at everyone else.
NATURE NOTES
Why do deer freeze in the headlights of a car? Deer are crepuscular, meaning that their activity peaks around sunrise and sunset. Their vision is optimized for low light. When headlights strike eyes fully dilated to capture as much light as possible, deer are unable to see. They freeze until their eyes adjust. University of Georgia research suggests that by human standards, deer are legally blind. It estimated deer vision at 20/200. Where a person with normal eyesight could discern details at 200 yards, a deer needs to see at 20 yards.
MEETING ADJOURNED
If you want to be happy, be kind.
If wishes were horses, we’d all be riding one
Written by Jim Lutgens
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“I’d like a hamburger, please.”
“What would you like on it?”
“I’d like $100 bills, but I’d take pickles, ketchup, and mustard.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Monday is far from Friday, but Friday is close to Monday.
I’ve learned
1. People who eat lutefisk live longer than people who eat nothing.
2. We have duct tape to remind us that not everything needs to be fixed.
3. To not spend time polishing the underside of a car.
Once a farmer always a farmer
My father was a farmer. He attended both Farm Bureau and Farmers Union meetings. He didn’t agree with either organization. My mother explained it by saying that farmers were an independent lot.
When Dad was forced to retire, it wasn’t easy for him. He advised me that a man should never retire from something. He should retire to something. A friend, C.E. Vollum of Albert Lea, is fond of telling me that he is like morning breath. He never goes away completely. The urge to do a job you enjoyed is the same way. It is easier to finish one day before starting the next when you are busy. Because an illness left my father moving about like a tick in tar, his job was reduced to little more than walking to the end of the drive to pick up his mailbox money. He wished he could do more, but added, “If wishes were horses, we’d all be riding one.”
Cafe chronicles
“What’s this stain on the menu?” I wondered silently.
I tried to wipe it away. It turned out to be a speck on my eyeglasses.
There is a reason I was awarded an honorary doctorate in doofiness from my now defunct grade school.
The friendly waitress came by while I was visiting with a tablemate. She freshened my cup of coffee. That was nice of her. Unfortunately, I was drinking tea.
I didn’t see her deed, so I took a sip of the mixture. It surprised me. It wasn’t good. The face I made would have made milk come out of John Mickelson’s nose. That would be true only if John had had been seated at my table and had been drinking milk, of course. John — a classmate, a good friend, and a swell guy — was the target of every class clown because he not only laughed well, he blushed. My class consisted nearly entirely of class clowns who worried that the chemistry lab was so close to the lunchroom. Fortunately, the nurse’s office wasn’t far from either. We waited until John had taken a drink of milk at lunch. Then we’d do something stupid, which was funnier than doing something funny. John laughed and this caused milk to come out of his nose. It was worth seeing.
Milk has never come from my nose. I guess that I'm laugh-nose intolerant.
It was morning either way
I was speaking at gatherings in Gulf Shores, Alabama. I went birding each morning while I was there. The white sand, warm weather, and birds made for delightful walks.
One dawn, I walked by a table situated outside a large hotel and encountered a man enjoying an adult beverage. I hoped it was his first of the day. He asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was looking at birds. He grimaced and said, “Awfully early in the morning for that kind of thing, isn’t it?”
Nature notes
“A birdie with a yellow bill, hopped upon my window sill, cocked his shining eye and said, ‘Ain't you 'shamed, you sleepyhead!’”
Robert Louis Stevenson wrote those words and he could have been describing the European starling. The dark bill that the starling sports in the winter turns yellow in the spring.
Snow fleas
On a sunny winter day, look at the base of a tree where the snow has melted enough to expose fallen leaves. If you see something that looks like pepper sprinkled upon the snow, those specks are tiny insects called snow fleas. They appear on warm, sunny days to feed upon decayed plant material or sap. They jump like fleas, but aren’t fleas. They are springtails. Two tails on its rear are tucked underneath the belly and held in place by hooks. To move, the springtail releases its spring-loaded tails, which slap the snow, and send the snow flea flying into the air.
Thanks for stopping by
It’s Be Kind to Everyone Week. Every week is.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“Great sermon on Sunday, Pastor.”
“Thank you.”
“Everything you said applied to someone I know.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: the traffic light is always greener in the other lane.
I’ve learned
1. Men don't like to ask directions to places they don't want to go.
2. You know you are getting older if you hurt yourself while sleeping.
3. Nothing finds a lost Lego faster than a bare foot.
Foggy days and nights
The old saying goes, “A winter’s fog will freeze a dog.” I was on the road, driving slowly. The fog was wicked thick. Taillights appeared suddenly out of nowhere in the fog ahead of my headlights. I met a car with its lights off. Yikes! A new saying came to me. “A car without lights in the fog will freeze other drivers.”
Winter worries
A visitor was amazed that I didn't subscribe to Netflix. He accused me of living in the Dark Ages. I was sorry I’d let down the drawbridge that allowed him to cross the moat. He’s a guy who has no problem watching movies on his cell phone. He is attracted to small, shiny, mental objects. We talked about the weather. We had to talk about it. We live where there is weather. The winter had been gentle, almost saintly. He worried aloud, "We'll pay for the nice weather."
“I remember when we used to have winter,” said my neighbor Crandall, with a cackle showing no evidence of worry about angering the winter gods.
A good number of folks from my neck of the woods miss winter from a distance. They aren’t where they are from. They winter in Texas, Florida, Arizona, or California. So many snowbirds left this season that winter decided to take the year off.
We haven’t had a winter to regale others with chilling stories. You know the kind. “The flames in the fireplace froze, but I didn’t know it. I was at the top of the windmill, trying to shovel snow off the roof of the barn. It was difficult because icicles were hanging from my eyelids.”
Winter is like all other seasons. We should be pleased with what we get.
The café chronicles
It was one of those eateries that offered two choices of salad dressing—ranch or none. There were four calendars on the wall. That’s typically a good sign. William Least Heat-Moon, in his book Blue Highways, wrote of an infallible way to find honest food at just prices based upon the number of calendars on a café wall. He calculated that a four-calendar café was only one away from topping the scale. This one was a place to go to feel slothful. People waited on me and it had linoleum floors. There was a dusty TV near the kitchen. A customer seated at the counter, with enough food in front of him that he would have to take vacation time to finish the meal, shouted warnings to the politicians appearing on the screen. He didn’t realize that the people on TV couldn’t hear him.
Nature notes
Coyotes are opportunistic and eat what is available. Small mammals such as mice, voles, shrews, rabbits, squirrels, and hares are preferred foods. Carrion, insects, fruits, berries, birds, frogs, snakes, plants, and seeds are on the menu. Road killed and crippled deer are sources of food as are fawns. Coyotes are attracted to garbage, garden vegetables, and pet food. They will prey on unattended cats and small dogs. Some coyotes kill small livestock, such as sheep, goats, calves, and poultry. Larger animals are usually consumed as carrion. Coyotes can live six to eight years in the wild — most less than two years. Natural mortality includes disease, predation, and starvation. Hunting, trapping, and vehicle collisions are common causes of coyote death. Approximately 50-70% of coyotes do not reach adulthood. Annual adult mortality averages 30-50%. Males may roam territories as large as 36 square miles. Females generally stay within a six square-mile area. Although persecuted endlessly, coyotes are not nearly the threat to humans as deer are.
Talking to the Holstein
I was talking to the Holstein the other day. The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. I asked her how she liked listening to the candidates wishing to be president.
The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, “The problem with politicians is that they exaggerate ten times out of every nine.”
Meeting adjourned
If you want to be happy, be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“Did we clean the restroom this year?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Did we clean it last year?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Make a note. We need to clean it next year for sure.’
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if you try to fail and you succeed, which have you done?
I've learned
1. We hope to have better children than those of our parents.
2. If you want time to pass more slowly, drive the speed limit.
3. A nice thing about living in a small town is that you can walk to the car wash.
A child cracks wise
I was teaching a writing class to third through eighth-graders. I asked the class why they thought school was important. One delightful third-grader named Jasmyne replied, “Because without school, we would be dumb and stuff.”
A former kid
I congratulated a stranger whose parked car carried a bumper sticker proclaiming that her child was an honor student. The proud mother showed me a photo of the child. I am the youngest in my family. There were no bumper stickers congratulating me or any other child. There were few photos of me. As I said, I’m the baby of my family. My parents had apparently satisfied their need for photographs before I was born. My only chance of getting into a photo was if I happened to walk in front of the camera while my mother was taking a photo of a used car my parents had just purchased.
Rural ramblings
It snowed, but I was able to get out of the yard. Being snowed in isn't as bad as being snowed out. Not being able to get home hurts.
I live in the country. Some people live in the city so that they might be close to things. Some people live in the country so that they aren't close to things. There may be a lack of some things in rural areas, but some of the things that are lacking aren’t needed.
In my boyhood years, there were many more farmers than there are today. Things change. They always have. Fewer farmers mean there are fewer farm sites. Some have become fields without evidence they ever existed.
If there are ghosts on farmsteads, they are not only in the neglected houses and crumbling barns, but in the implements as well. The farm equipment, no longer of use and of limited value, mark sites growing robust burdock and ragweed. There is enough iron below ground to make a metal detector sing its battery dead. The past makes itself known in rust.
Lilacs mark the interaction with the past.
Scenes from marriages
They were high school sweethearts. I know because they told me. They had been married for 60 years. I asked if it had been love at first sight.
He answered, “It was for me. Not for her. I wore her down.”
She added, “He’s still wearing me down.”
A friend told me that when he and his wife were first married, she indicated the need for a clothes dryer. He told her, “How can we afford that?”
Not long after that, as he prepared to go on an extended hunting trip with friends, his wife asked, “How can we afford that?”
They got a dryer.
Nature notes
Why do some deciduous trees keep their leaves in winter? I see this exhibited in oak trees, particularly red oaks. Marcescent is the term used for a tree that holds its leaves through the winter. In autumn, the leaves of most deciduous trees develop an abscission layer where the petiole (leaf stalk) meets the branch. This allows the leaves to fall off without leaving an open wound. Dry leaves remain if abscission layers didn’t occur. Marcescence is often a juvenile trait and might disappear as the tree matures. Leaves sometimes persist only on scattered branches. Marcescence is genetic, but weather plays a part. Early frost kills leaves before abscission layers form. Leaves may endure to combat limited fecundity. When a tree sheds it leaves in early spring, they become mulch that provides nourishment during the growing season.
From the mailbag
Ric McArthur of Ontario writes, “If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy man--he will find an easy way to do it.”
Meeting adjourned
Benjamin Franklin said, "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
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Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“I spent three hours looking for my fountain pen. I’ve got to start hiding things in plain sight.”
“Did you find it?”
“No, but I remembered that I don’t own a fountain pen.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: never stand under a watermelon tree.
I've learned
1. Everything doesn't have to come up roses. Dandelions are nice, too.
2. Worry is the gift that keeps on giving.
3. It's cheaper to kiss someone at an auction than to wave at someone.
Hotel story
Darkness still enveloped the world. The kids were up early. Two girls and a boy. The family was traveling, so the youngsters were rousted from their beds so they could get on the road early. The hotel offered a continental breakfast — muffins, bananas, cereal, coffee, juice, etc.
I watched the boy. I'm not good at guessing ages, but I figured he was about 12. He looked at the cereal offerings. He surprised me when he didn't choose one of the sweetened cereals that color the milk. He picked Cheerios. Good old Cheerios. His selection caused me to recall the Cheerios Kid. The Kid and his friend Sue were featured in TV commercials. Sue would get into trouble and then shout "Help, Kid." The Cheerios Kid, after eating cereal to power up, would quickly deal with the problem.
The boy filled a bowl with Cheerios and then poured chocolate milk on it before covering it all with the contents of numerous sugar packets.
A sign of the times
On the door of a small town business, I saw this. "Back in 15 minutes. I've already been gone 10."
Cold enough for you?
We spend our winter days answering the question, "Cold enough for you?" How do you answer that? You answer it by saying, "It's so cold that..."
1. I opened the refrigerator door to heat the house.
2. Legislative hot air froze.
3. My mailman scans my mail and e-mails it to me.
4. I chipped a tooth eating soup.
5. I had to use ice scrapers on my contact lenses.
6. A snowman begged to come indoors.
7. I didn't clean my house. I defrosted it.
Parking
The woman said that she bought a car equipped with a self-parking function that eliminates the difficulty of parallel parking. She told me that she’d been driving for 40 years and that the last time she had parallel parked was when she took driver’s training. I thanked her for sharing and added, "Parking is such street sorrow."
Nature notes
In the classic Dick and Jane books, Dick said, “Look, Jane, look.” Dick was a visionary. If you keep looking, you might see a snowy owl. This owl is a large, diurnal owl with a rounded head, yellow eyes, and black bill. Adult males may be nearly pure white. Females and young birds have some dark scalloping. A snowy owl is 20–28 inches long with a 49–57 inch wingspan. It weighs 3.5 to 6.5 pounds. Its thick plumage, feathered feet, and coloration make it well adapted to life north of the Arctic Circle. There are more snowy owls than usual this year, but how do you find one? Look for snow that blinks. We see what we look for. The snowy owl is a tundra dweller, so it typically is found on the ground, utility pole, fence post, hay bale, or building. An airport is an attractive site for this beautiful visitor.
My favorite fortune cookie
Read, “I cannot help you, for I am just a cookie.”
Did you know?
There are 57 members of Congress who are among the wealthiest 1 percent of Americans by net worth.
Stephen Hawking says that the one mystery he has been unable to solve is women.
The average American eats nearly a ton of food annually — 1,996.3 pounds.
From the mailbag
Sue Levy of Texas writes, “If I'm not home accepting what I cannot change, I'm probably out, changing what I cannot accept.”
Ric McArthur of Ontario sends these, “I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. When I see a hubcap collection on a barn or a fence, I am always confused. Should I slow down for a rough road or should I go fast so they don't steal my hubcaps?”
Meeting adjourned
Plato said, “There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.” Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"Today is the first day of the rest of my life."
"How true."
"But it seems like last Thursday."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: that which does not kill us causes us to consider buying more insurance.
I’ve learned
1. Because I’m a man, I dress by smell. I sniff clothes and if they smell O.K., I wear them. How can a man tell if the shirt he is thinking of wearing is dirty? If he wonders if it’s dirty, it is.
2. To never trust a “welcome” mat.
3. A birthday is the major cause of aging.
Farming
I feel as if I live in London, England. London has the famed Big Ben. I live near a 440,000-bushel grain bin. A bushel is about 56 pounds of shelled corn. I reside near Big Bin. Big Bin is an evident sign of farming, unlike wrenches. I’ve dropped a number of wrenches from tractors through the years. I seldom recovered any of those lost wrenches. There are enough missing wrenches that fields should be blooming in chrome. Jim Knutson of Hartland said that isn’t likely to happen. He claims that wrenches have a poor germination rate.
The box
Harold Williams is a professor at Auburn. A friend of his built a fine, small, wooden box. Highly-crafted lettering on the cover of the box reads, "In case of fire, open."
The box sits on a desk, where visitors see it. People notice it and are compelled by curiosity to open it.
Inside the box, is more lettering. It reads, "Not now, stupid!"
Pasty
I ate a pasty in Meadowlands, Minnesota. It was delicious. A pasty is a pastry case filled with beef, sliced or diced potato, rutabaga (swede), and onion. It's seasoned with salt and pepper. It is made by placing the uncooked filling on a flat pastry circle, and folding it to wrap the filling, crimping the edge at the side or top to form a seal. The result is a raised semicircular package that is then baked. In the 17th and 18th centuries, the pasty became popular with Cornish workers. Tin miners found it to be a complete meal that could be carried easily, eaten without cutlery, remained warm for several hours, and if it did get cold, it could be warmed on a shovel over a candle. A pasty is a filling comfort food even if pasty rhymes with nasty and not tasty.
Did you know?
People who use big forks eat less, but only when eating from a plate loaded with food, according to a study from the University of Utah.
“Mother wit” means native practical intelligence or common sense.
“Winklehawk” is defined as the L-shaped tear in a piece of cloth or clothing.
A myoclonic jerk is that twitch that happens as you're falling asleep and wakes you up. It’s also called a hypnic jerk, hypnagogic jerk, sleep start, or night start.
A sharp gift
I looked at a Browning knife.
The clerk, a woman, told me, "I know that I don't look it, but I have three children."
I’m not sure why she shared that information with me, but I spent the rest of the day trying to find a woman who looked as if she had three children.
I gave the Browning knife to my nephew as a Christmas present. In some cultures, giving a knife symbolizes severing a relationship. A knife indicates the end of a friendship. This untoward result can be avoided if the recipient smiles pleasantly when receiving the gift or if money is included for the recipient to "buy" the knife. The traditional amount to include with the knife is a penny. I gave my nephew a penny. He smiled.
Nature notes
Squirrels nest in tree hollows or in a treetop dens, which are 12- to 19-inch ball-shaped nests made of leaves, twigs, and bark. Squirrel nests are called dreys. Gray squirrels mate twice a year, typically from December to February and again from June through August. Fox squirrels mate twice a year, from December to February and from June through July. Red squirrels mate in late winter.
Talking to the Holstein
I was talking to the Holstein the other day. The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. I asked her how things would change if cows ruled the world.
The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, “There would be no wars or lawn mowers.”
Meeting adjourned
A kind word echoes.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“I’ll bet nothing surprises you anymore.”
“Everything surprises me.”
“Really? I thought you’d seen it all.”
“I have, but I’ve forgotten most of it.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: no matter how loud car alarms are, cars don't wake up.
I've learned
1. To stay away from breakfast cereals that change the color of milk.
2. That I can always find an expert to support my beliefs.
3. Men say things without thinking and think things without saying.
Ghosts
There are ghosts. I walk about a cemetery — St. Peter’s. There is a crowd. My parents, in-laws, friends and neighbors are buried there. I see ghosts. My memory riles them up. I place a stone on the tombstone of my parents — a sign that I had visited and remembered. I remember mother asking me what kind of birthday cake I wanted. I wanted a birthday pie. I remember telling father, a lover of Allis-Chalmers tractors, that the school had changed its colors so boys could wear John Deere caps to graduation. Memories are ghosts that I’m pleased to contemplate.
Sour dreams
There is a dreamcatcher on the wall near our bed. It resembles a miniature basketball net. According to legend, good dreams pass through the net to comfort a sleeping person. Bad dreams become tangled in the net and remain trapped until dawn, when they perish.
I thought the dreamcatcher had slipped up. It was the middle of the night. I was sleeping the sleep of the innocent and uninformed. Suddenly, something howling like a bad transmission interrupted my sleep. Someone had summoned the flying monkeys. It was no dream. It was the loud meowing of a cat
"Shut your kibble-hole!" I said in a kind and caring manner. I had run to the end of my chain and barked.
Back to sleep I went. I knew the path.
Once again, my sleep ended in noise. This time, it was that "hoopa" sound cats make before they cough up a hairball. I jumped from bed and searched for the feline. After stubbing a toe only once, I found the cat napping as if nothing had happened. That "hoopa" would make the perfect sound for an alarm clock. No one ever owned by a cat would be able to sleep through it.
Old time radio
A friend maintains we share too much, thanks to cell phones, e-mail, Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube. We’ve always shared a great deal. When I was a boy, there were only three TV channels. You couldn’t tape a program to watch later or zap the commercials. There weren’t many varieties of breakfast cereals, so we shared TV channels and cereals. We shared plenty. Radio offered more choices. I missed the golden age of radio, but I've listened to replays. TV had taken most of the programs but I could listen to the old radio shows in reruns. I enjoyed listening to Fibber McGee and Molly, Jack Benny, Fred Allen, Lum & Abner, The Great Gildersleeve, Pat Novak For Hire, Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy, Red Skelton, Bob Hope, Stan Freberg, etc. I listened less intently to The Green Hornet, Suspense, The Shadow, Gunsmoke, Boston Blackie, Inner Sanctum, and The Lone Ranger. My mother spoke fondly of listening to Art Linkletter's House Party where Art asked kids from Los Angeles grammar schools questions like, "What does your Mommy do?" and to Arthur Godfrey who strummed the ukulele, whose theme song was "Seems Like Old Times," and was sponsored by Lipton Tea. Mom told of marching around the breakfast table on orders from Don McNeil's Breakfast Club.
The first radio I recall was a Philco console with a wooden cabinet stationed in our living room. It wasn’t steam-powered, but it was old. Photos or other prized possessions perched on top of a doily resting on the radio. The Philco had more knobs and dials than necessary. My first radio was a used Arvin, AM only with a shatterproof plastic cabinet, advertised as "Velvet Voice Radio.” Later, I added a GE transistor radio to my stable.
Nature notes
Joel Dunnette of Byron writes that Rochester hosts countless crows at night during the winter. He refers to them as “crowmuters” that leave town at daylight and return at dusk like clockwork. Streaming flocks of crows are quite a sight. The crows prefer the trees and buildings of cities for overnight roosting because they offer warmth and safety from predators.
Meeting adjourned
No investment pays higher returns than a kind word.
Echoes from the Loafers' Club Meeting
"How come you never offer me a penny for my thoughts?"
"It's because your thoughts aren't worth a penny."
"Some are."
"Which ones?"
“It'll cost you a penny to find out."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if you plan to take the road less traveled, make sure you have enough gas.
I've learned
1. It, is, easy, to, use, too, many, commas.
2. I like warm sheets and cold pillows.
3. That it's not really tailgating if the bumpers aren't touching.
Scene from a marriage
I made a mistake while shopping. I bought something that required sizing. Husbands should tread lightly in the arena of buying things that come in specific sizes. I made a further error by buying it in a size that was too big for my bride. Egad! If you are going to buy something for your wife and you are not sure of the size, tend to buy it in a size too small. You will still be wrong, but you will be complimentary. Remember the man’s rule — never overestimate age, weight, or size.
Dying to be there
Deb Kenison of Ellendale said that she once asked her father if he was going to a man's funeral. Her father replied, "No. Why should I? He's not going to go to mine."
Counting birds and sweet rolls
I was tired. I had been up late working and then up early to do a Christmas Bird Count. I had just finished a long hike in pursuit of bird sightings and was feeling a bit peckish. I stopped at a supermarket to buy a sweet roll. The cashier asked how many baked items were in my bag. I told him one. He asked me if I was sure. Well, of course, I was sure. I told him that he could count it if he liked. He said that wouldn't be necessary and rang up my purchase. I got to the car and opened the bag. There were two rolls in it. I had bought one for my wife. My mind, groggy and preoccupied with birds, had forgotten the second roll. I rushed back into the store and paid the cashier for the second roll.
I hoped I had been better at counting birds than I’d been at counting sweet rolls.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
It snowed. It was a hard snow.
I tried not to get my hopes up, but it kept snowing. I debated whether it was worth doing my homework. Why would I do homework if school was going to be canceled?
It continued to snow. I listened to the guy on the radio give the school closings. He was likely enjoying his peak audience.
I listened and waited. And waited. And waited.
School was closed — finally.
I high-fived the disembodied voice of a radio announcer that I would never meet.
Good things do come to those who wait.
Did you know?
If JFK were alive today, he would be 94.
U.S. Census Bureau figures show that 20 percent of jewelry store sales happen in December.
Ten percent of Americans play golf.
The corner of the mouth is called a “wick."
According to Roll Call, the total Congressional net worth has increased 24% since 2008.
Artificial Christmas trees make up 61% of the market.
Colonel is an honorary title given to all auctioneers; not all use it. It comes from the Civil War. Only those officers with the rank of at least a colonel could divide the spoils of war, using the bidding process for this purpose.
Nature notes
According to recent press release, the Cornell Lab of Ornithology’s Project FeederWatch for 2010-11 showed the chickadee as the most common bird at the feeders. It was followed in order by the downy woodpecker, blue jay, dark-eyed junco, white-breasted nuthatch, American goldfinch, hairy woodpecker, northern cardinal, house finch, and house sparrow. House sparrows and European starlings are showing a decline and Cooper's hawks are being seen at more feeders than ever before.
Talking to the Holstein
I was talking to the Holstein the other day. The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. I asked the Holstein if she made New Year’s resolutions.
The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, “I have resolved to say only nice things about people. I do hope that it doesn’t prove to be a vow of silence.”
Meeting adjourned
“Forget injuries, never forget kindness.”—Confucius