Compostings (267)
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"What did the cow say to the dentist?"
"I don't know."
"Medicare."
"I don't get it."
"That's because you're not 65."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I’ve often wondered who "they" are. In most cases, they are not them. They are us.
I’ve learned
1. Anytime is a good time to start something, but next to yesterday you can’t beat today.
2. TV news is just the thing to watch when you’ve run low on things to worry about.
3. Age is nothing more than a state of body.
Farm stories
I don't often eat too much, but I frequently eat too fast. I blame my haste on growing up on a farm. I ate lunches on hayracks and tractors. I had to eat quickly before the food got dirty.
A cousin from the city stayed overnight at our farm. We were youngsters. We spent much of the first day of his visit exploring the mysteries of the farm. He thought I was lucky. I had a tire swing. He knew kids who lived in the city who had no tires.
The next morning, we were up at 5 to do chores before breakfast.
As we staggered toward the barn, my cousin said, "It sure doesn't take long to stay all night at your place."
In the neighborhood
My neighbor Bob the Olson was in the Eat Around it Cafe, when he reached down and picked something up from the floor. Everyone assumed it was a gnawed bone until Bob looked around the eatery and asked, "Did anyone lose $20?"
Four men immediately claimed they had.
Bob smiled and flipped the dime he’d found in their direction while saying, "Well, I found part of it. Divide it among you."
Traveling is a course in everything
I was headed out of Red Deer, Alberta when I spotted a sign advertising a campground named “RV There Yet.” Later, I visited the world’s largest cream can in Markerville, Alberta. I thought it was large. People likely think that a lot.
Red Deer was just like home, only different. Kilometers replaced miles and the temperature was in Celsius instead of Fahrenheit. Tony Blake of Red Deer told me that all I needed to know about the temperature in Celsius was that 40 above was damn hot and 40 below was damn cold.
Francis the Pig
A hog was taken to a slaughterhouse in Red Deer in 1990. When unloaded from the truck, he made a run for it. The 240-pound hog jumped a fence and made his way into the Red Deer River valley. He was frequently seen living in the wild over the next six months. Antje Espinaco-Virseda of Edmonton, whose love of pigs had caused her to become a vegetarian, gave the pig the name Francis, after Saint Francis of Assisi. She believed the pig's daring and bravery had earned him his freedom.
A man, worried that Francis would not survive the winter, shot him with three tranquilizer darts. Unfortunately, one of the darts meant to save him punctured an internal organ and that, combined with injuries from a car collision, brought death.
A member of the Alberta legislature said, “I think it's fair to say he's been an example for all of us of our own province's motto: strong and free.”
In 1997, Francis was immortalized in a life-sized bronze sculpture in downtown Red Deer.
Café chronicles
A visitor stopped at the Village Inn in Hartland. Hartland has a population of 315 with four last names. The man was from the big city. I can't say exactly why that was evident, but you could tell. He was a friendly fellow who said to one of the patrons of the cafe, "It must be nice living in the country."
"I wouldn't know," came the reply. "I've lived here in Hartland all my life."
Nature notes
Woody the Woodpecker is based upon an acorn woodpecker.
Passerines (songbirds) are perching birds that have involuntary leg muscles that make it possible for them to grip a branch and not fall while sleeping.
A Bat Conservation International study found that temporarily shutting down wind turbines during low-wind periods at night could reduce bat fatalities at wind-energy facilities by up to 93 percent.
Of the nearly 2 million species of living things described by science, less than 5% are bigger than a breadbox.
Meeting adjourned
"If you can learn from hard knocks, you can also learn from soft touches."--Carolyn Kenmore. Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“My grandfather carried his wooden leg over his shoulder.”
“Why on earth did he do that?”
“So he could scratch his back.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Man does not live by bread alone. He needs duct tape, too.
I've learned
1. Making pie is not as easy as pie.
2. More is learned from having empty pockets than from having full ones.
3. No treatment for an owie is more effective than a mother’s kiss.
The news from Hartland
Buzz Honey, local beekeeper, stung while texting while hiving.
Zoo goers treated at hospital after porcupine sneezes.
Bungee jump opens on farm. For $10, you are tied by a bungee cord to a combine and then allowed to run away as fast as you can.
Ask Al
“What is the secret of a long marriage?” A husband and a wife should never be mad at the same time.
“How does a man know when he is getting old?” It happens when you care more about how easily a bottle opens than what is in the bottle.
“I’d love to go camping next summer, but I don’t want to spend much money. What can I do?” Leave the houselights on and the doors wide open.
Adventures of the vertically-enhanced
I am tall.
I walked into a gold dredge, an apparatus not built for the vertically-enhanced.
I entered the gold dredge with a bad altitude.
I hit my head on a metal bar overhead. It hurt. Stars appeared.
That wasn’t the worst of it.
On the way out of the dredge, I hit my head on the same bar.
Customer comments
Bill Heinsen of Red Deer, Alberta told me that he had participated in a teacher exchange program that allowed him to work in Australia for a year. One day, he and his family went on a bus trip. Most of the passengers were older women who found the accent of Bill’s 4-year-old son intriguing. They loved to hear it and continued to ask the boy questions until he finally replied, “I’m done talking today.”
Bill added that he was once rear-ended because he did a bad thing. He stopped at a red light.
It was so dry
I’ve visited areas of the country that have been so dry that some fish have never learned how to swim. On windy days, there was so much dust blowing around that the gophers were digging holes in the air. Crows flew backwards to keep the dust out of their eyes.
Talking baseball
We were walking down a shaded lane while talking about the Minnesota Twins’ baseball fortunes. The catcher, Joe Mauer, was the topic when I heard a bird call in the trees.
"Blue gray gnatcatcher," I said with little thought.
My walking companion suggested that Mauer should continue catching and not change to another position.
I heard another bird vocalizing and said, without consciously doing so, "Great crested flycatcher."
The other walker paused before asking, "Are those catchers in their farm system?"
A question for baseball fans. What are the seven ways a batter can reach first base? Mauer would know all seven.
1. Hit 2. Error 3. Base on balls 4. Hit by pitch 5. Dropped third strike 6. Catcher's interference 7. Fielder's choice
Nature notes
“Am I seeing both bald eagles and golden eagles along the lake?” Bald eagles belong to a group of sea eagles that live in or near aquatic environments and are piscivorous (fish eaters). Golden eagles belong to a group of true or booted (feathered legs) eagles and are upland eagles, meaning they’re not near water. They primarily hunt upland mammals instead of fish. One good identification tip is that if there is visible white in the body feathers on the back or underparts (not including wings), the bird is almost certainly a bald eagle. The ecology of the two eagles means that an eagle in the immediate vicinity of a river or lake is most likely a bald eagle hunting fish.
“What do red-tailed hawks eat?” They prey mostly upon small mammals, including: mice, gophers, voles, shrews, moles, squirrels, chipmunks, rats, rabbits, opossums, muskrats, cats, skunks, and bats. They also feed upon snakes, frogs, lizards, salamanders, toads, birds, crayfish, insects, fish, and roadkill. I saw a study that asserted that a red-tailed hawk is successful in about one out of ten hunting attempts.
Meeting adjourned
Don’t let the worst people get the best of you. Give them your best. Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers' Club Meeting
"I just came from the Eagles Club."
"Member?"
"Of course, I remember. I just came from there."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: most things are more fun than a barrel of monkeys.
I've learned
1. Missouri loves company.
2. You can't fight progress, but you can unplug it.
3. The stock market goes down on fears that it might go down.
The news from Hartland
Fifty-two card pick-up tournament considered a failure.
Loafer’s Shoe Store has 18-inch tall fitting rooms.
Upchuck and Ralph’s Coffee Emporium offers short, tall, grande, and hat drink sizes.
Son of superstitious parents is 12 years old one day and 14 the next.
Reconditioned peaches on sale at the Museum of Groceries.
Laidlow Cemetery forbids dancing.
School daze
It was before the Farmer Stetson (ball cap or gimme cap) was worn in schools. It was during safer times. True, there was The Cold War and the Vietnam War, but Count Chocula hadn’t yet been introduced. A favorite school custodian always carried a tape measure so that he could see how long he’d been working. I had nightmares of taking a final exam in a class I hadn’t enrolled in — a stroll down memory lane on a path not traveled before. I learned that to err is human, to add, combine. Teachers confiscated the notes I passed in class and corrected the grammar. The principal often sat in on our classes so at least one person would be able to answer a teacher’s question. It wasn’t our fault. Teachers were constantly saying, "Don’t get smart with me." We didn’t.
Cafe chronicles
I was at an eatery in a small town where 4 out of 5 people make up 80% of the population. It was the caffeine talking at an uneven table as a group of locals took on fluids, sipping hot beverages. They were bound together by caffeine. Morning is a time when most folks can justify caffeine intake. The discussion concluded that others should pay high taxes. The table talk shifted to whether more Minnesotans live in Minnesota than anywhere else or if more Iowans live in Iowa than anywhere else. Everyone put in his two cents’ worth. One put in a dollar’s worth and interjected that glaciers once covered both states, but now do so only during the winter. It was the consensus that both states are growing larger due to the expansion accompanying global warming.
Why I didn't often help at my brother’s hardware store
"You're sure this is the part I need?" the customer asked.
"Absolutely," I said confidently. "If it doesn't work, come back and I'll sell you another one."
Ask Al
"Why do older people make odd sounds when they rise from a sitting position?" The sounds are words of encouragement in a language only a body understands.
“What does ‘gesundheit’ mean?” You missed me.
“Did you milk cows?” Not only cows. I had the only chicken dairy farm in the state for a short time. It was a short-lived because chickens don’t give much milk.
Laughing in church
I attended a friend’s funeral in Albert Lea. Reverend Dwight Netzer told this story about Glenn Ruble. Glenn and his wife, Maureen, were holding a garage sale when Glenn noticed that the price tag on a statue was $5. Glenn protested that the statue was worth much more than that and suggested that the price be raised. Maureen declined, saying that she wanted to get rid of it. Later, a woman pointed at the statue and asked Maureen, "Would you take $50 for that?"
Maureen was surprised, but managed to sputter out a "Yes."
When the woman brought the statue to the pay table, Maureen noticed that the price tag read "$55."
Glenn had added another "5" to the price.
A meow and the night visitor
I awakened to a tumult. I staggered from bed, suspecting our two cats were up to something. They had been. The cats had caught a mouse as quietly as two cymbals would have caught one.
Nature notes
I saw a junco in my yard early one morning. The junco looks wintry. It’s called a snowbird because it has a gray topside like the clouds of winter and is as white as snow underneath. My father said that snow arrives six weeks after the snowbird. I hope this snowbird was misguided as I saw it on September 18.
Meeting adjourned
A kind word is a seed that once planted, flowers. Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"No coffee for me."
"Why don’t you ever have coffee at breakfast?"
"It keeps me awake."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: few things are further from reality than reality TV.
Things I’ve learned about food
1. Man does not live by bread alone. He needs peanut butter, too.
2. A little boy told me he’d learned that if eating a certain food made him throw up, he’d throw up on that food. That way, he didn’t have to eat it.
3. A big boy told me he could eat all he wanted to at a funeral because there was one less person to judge him.
The news from Hartland
• Squash court closes after being filled with excess harvested zucchini.
• Man wearing leisure suit to church claimed he was trying to be fashionably late.
• Eagle snatches cat from a yard. In hindsight, it was a mistake to get the cat a fish tattoo.
A traveling man
I was near Saginaw, Michigan. I was in a snazzy rental car because the rental company had upgraded me. The car was of the luxury kind that was much too good for the likes of me. It wasn’t a foreign car, but it was foreign to what I was accustomed to. The car had a GPS, a strange voice that told me where to go. I was OK with its presence. Not all roads lead to Rome. All roads lead to being lost. Besides, I wouldn’t have to fold a GPS like I would a paper map. I hoped I’d gotten a GPS with a sense of humor. One that would scream things like "Look out!" for no reason. I entered the address of my destination into the GPS. The voice guided me better than the voices in my head typically do. It was good, but it sounded as if it had an attitude. I saw the location, but drove past the turn in order to stop at a drugstore a block down. I needed to purchase postcards. I send my wife a postcard each day I’m away from home. The GPS voice had a conniption. It told me how to perform a U-turn. Then, I’m pretty sure of this, it sighed deeply. I appreciated that. It made me feel like my wife was seated next to me, reading a map.
Clarence
Clarence welcomed me. It wasn’t a guy named Clarence. It was a sign welcoming me to Clarence, Iowa. I was in town to visit the library. I love libraries. I parked my car in the shade. Shade provides premium parking in the summer. Before going into the library, I checked my smarter-than-I-am-phone. On that device, there was a message telling me that an old friend had died. I began to miss him instantly. Each time someone dies, it’s as if a library had burned to the ground.
Did you know?
A potato can be used to remove the jagged end of a broken lightbulb from its socket. Cut a raw potato in half and press the cut end onto the shattered glass. Be sure the power is off and that the potato is large enough to capture the glass edges and protect your hand.
The percentage of women who say they'd never date a guy who picked his nose is 84.
According to a recent survey from Pew Internet & American Life Project, nearly one-third of cellphone users have had their devices lost or stolen.
Nature notes
“I saw a nearly white robin. How common is this?” True albinos occur in about one in 10,000 mammal births. Researchers found that albinism occurs in 17 of 30,000 birds or one in 1,764 birds. Leucism in birds is much more common. It’s a condition where pigmentation cells in an animal fail to develop properly. This can result in atypical white patches appearing on the animal, or, rarely, completely white creatures. An albino’s eyes are usually pink or red.
Meeting adjourned
"Instead of putting others down, try improving yourself instead. The only person you have a right to compete with is you. In the meantime, treat others how you'd like to be treated. One trait that some of the best communicators share is empathy. A couple of kind words can not only make a person's day, but earn you a friend and supporter for life. For the rest of the week, whenever you see someone you want to judge negatively, pay them a compliment instead. See what happens." — Neil Strauss
A 2006 calendar was put out by ladies in the nude from the Winona, Minn. Area. The poses were done in such a way as to not be offensive to most people. One of the main groups behind this calendar was the Wild Women of Faith Lutheran Church in Winona.
Various groups of nude ladies posed for the twelve months of the year. They called themselves “Women of Purpose.”
All the profits from the calendar sales were used to help fund cancer and Multiple Sclerosis research, plus Winona Area Hospice. The calendars were so successful that sales warranted a second printing!
Why am I telling you about the Winona area ladies? Because I heard, from a very reliable source, that area coffee klatschers of men in the NRHEG school district were considering putting out a 2014 Men Only calendar, with the proceeds going to the NRHEG School District needs.
I managed to infiltrate one of the NRHEG informal coffee groups and this is what I found out.
The male calendar nude poser must be a resident of the NRHEG school district. He will receive no payment for posing, but the fame will be more than one could imagine, as there will be appearances on late night TV. The name of the calendar will be “Pant-Hers” after the school district “Panthers.”
All the male models must be a bit rusty around the edges. For example, bald, love handles, overweight, beer gut, farmer’s tan, etc. In other words, most of the men over 50 will qualify.
The main organizer is Torge. Baldy, Tubby, Skinny, Fats, Knobby Knees, and Nose are each in charge of the event in their town.
If you’re a member of a NRHEG male coffee klatsch, you know the details. If you’re not a member, get with the program!
A certain male New Richland police officer, on the younger side, pulled me over for no headlight on low beam. When he recognized me, he asked me not to give his name if I wrote about the incident. I agreed not to give his name. He did say it was okay to mention his wife was expecting twins! Do you suppose a certain NRPD officer will make a proud daddy?
Most of you are aware of the Farmer’s Almanac. How many of you are aware of the Farmer Wives Almanac?
The following is basically what it says for the next year: An early fall followed by less than average winter, with no late (May) snowstorms. Those alive at the end of 2013 will be one year older. The high for the year will be more than 90 degrees and the low for the year will be less than 10 below. For further info, go to the Farmer’s Almanac, says a footnote on the last page!
Many of the Beaver Lake cabins have signs on their front doors. For example: “Rest Assured,” “Our Cabin,” “Up Nort’ Now,” “Welcome,” “Come Early – Fish Late,” “Welcome to Paradise,” “Home Away From Home,” “Hi” (on the entry side) “Bye” (on the leaving side).
A classic is the sign above the bathroom stool.
“If it’s yellow
Let it mellow
If it’s brown
Flush it down.”
— — —
Bob is a retired AAL (Aid Association for Lutherans) agent. His wife, Genie, is a retired RN, currently working on her doctor’s degree in volunteering. They have two children, Deb in North Carolina, and Dan in Vermont. This is the Hanson’s 37th summer at Beaver Lake. They leave the lake in mid-October to go south — to Albert Lea — and return in April. Bob says if you enjoy his article, let him know. If you don’t enjoy it, keep on reading, it can get worse. Words of Wisdom: There is always room for God.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I can’t remember anything today."
"Some days are like that."
"I hope I’m not losing my mind."
"Oh, don’t worry. You’re probably just stupid."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: the best gardens grow in January’s catalogs.
A traveling man
I was staying in what was an old farmhouse until the city of Sterling, Illinois grew around it. The house is offered as quarters for wayfaring strangers. I arrived late in the evening in preparation of giving some talks the next day. I had been supperless or dinnerless — at least without an evening meal. I’d stopped at a store and picked up something to eat in my room — a couple of Colorado peaches and a smoothie made from strawberries, cherries, plums, apples, purple carrots, red beets, sweet potatoes, sweet corn, and chick peas. I had just finished my splendid repast and was enjoying some hot tea while jotting things down into my composition book, when I noticed it. There on the floor below the lowest door hinge of the closed door was a sizable lump. I walked to it and could see that it was a wallet. It was much too large to be mine. I picked it up. It was much too heavy to be mine. It could have been used in a weightlifting class. I opened the wallet and discovered that it was the property of a lawyer from North Carolina. There was a wad of cash thick enough to choke two horses. I counted $300 and would have had more counting to do to arrive at a final figure. The man in North Carolina now has his wallet and its complete contents back. He’d lost it over a month earlier. When he learned that his wallet was on the way, his comment was, "Are you kidding me?"
I swept the room with a glance
I was manning a broom. I thought of an aunt who made a list of things to do each day. She wrote it in the dust on her furniture. Cleaning the house never made her list of things to do. I had spilled some birdseed that needed to be corralled into a dustpan. I swept the floor vigorously. Detritus found its way onto the dustpan. I picked up the dustpan, planning to toss the seeds outside where the birds might eat them. In that process, I noticed that there was a line of dirt that had abutted the edge of the dustpan, but refused to join the rest of its ilk. I swept again. A line remained. I repeated the action a number of times. The only thing that changed was the location of the line of dirt. It was dustrating.
Party line
Beth Horner of Wilmette, IL told me that when she was a girl, her family had a party line telephone. Anyone on the party line could pick up the receiver and listen in on a conversation. That was called "rubbering." Now we have cellphones that are not on a party line, but we are allowed to rubber their phone discussions whether we want to or not. The mention of a party line reminded me of a Hank Williams Sr. song titled “Mind Your Own Business” that goes like this, "Oh, the woman on our party line's the nosiest thing. She picks up her receiver when she knows it's my ring. Why don't you mind your own business? Well, if you mind your business, then you won't be minding mine."
Beth told me that hers was an eight-party line. She said it was like having an extension phone in seven other homes. Phone subscribers were grouped together on a line. Each was assigned a calling signal of a certain number of long and so many short rings. You could call anyone on your line by ringing his or her ring. To call a party on another line, you had to go through "central." When the operator answered, you asked for your party. There were those curious people who quietly lifted the receiver and listened in on the conversations of others. My father knew that a woman rubbered on his party line. Let’s say her name was Bertha. At the completion of his call, my father would say, "Goodnight, Bertha." When he encountered her later in person, he could tell that she was furious with him, but she couldn’t tell anyone why.
Meeting adjourned
A kind word is like the morning light. It chases away the darkness.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I’ve been wearing some of those magnetic bracelets that are supposed to prevent arthritis."
"Do they work?"
"I don’t know. I just freed myself from the refrigerator door."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: always give 100% unless you’re giving blood.
I’ve learned
1. Statistics prove that there are too many statistics.
2. A honeybee stings only once, but that’s enough.
3. Each day is unrepeatable.
The news from Hartland
1. City loses largest industry when 400-pound Fuller Brush man retires.
2. Hilltop House of Hotdish offers valley parking. The owner advises, "Yeah, there’s lots of room in the valley. Park there."
3. Elvis impersonation contest is judged on unoriginality.
4. Senior Olympian sets record for shot put roll.
Minniowawisdakotans
1. How do you get a Minniowawisdakotan out of a swimming pool? You say, “O.K., everyone out of the pool.”
2. How many Minniowawisdakotans does it take to change a lightbulb? We don’t change lightbulbs. We accept them the way we are.
3. If you are chased down the street by a Minniowawisdakotan waitress, don’t panic. You overpaid and she’s returning our change.
4. You are a Minniowawisdakotan if you get a hangnail and are put on a prayer list.
It shows the dirt
Lonnie Kormann, the local electrician, was the first to notice it. It being the new stickers on rural mail carrier Brad Spooner's license plates. Lonnie noticed the new stickers because they were the only clean spots on Brad’s car. Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds on both hard surface and gravel roads, but to an automobile, being a rural carrier’s vehicle is a dirty job.
Life in the past lane
My neighbor said that he hurt in places, but he was aging gratefully. He told me about the year the outhouse moved indoors. Until that time, there had been no running in the house and that included water.
I responded that I believed he’d had a deprived childhood, but that when I was a boy, we ate s’mores as a special treat. Melted marshmallows and chocolate sandwiched between boat oars.
Fall
I’m a fall guy.
I love it when the trees resting upon the last hill of summer have been fired with colorful leaves and the weather becomes variable but bearable.
If you're confused about when to set your clocks back or ahead, just remember this simple rule, “You gain an hour every fall and you lose an hour every time you watch an episode of Desperate Housewives. Fall is when we try to remember where we put the Christmas decorations. It’s a time we spend recovering from summer and preparing for winter. Cascading leaves hit the ground with a whisper. Fall is when it smells like pumpkins, leaves turn yellow, goldfinches turn green, and birds of passage move through.
Customer comments
Pat Coffie of Waverly told me that there is no pressure quite like that felt by a young bride marrying the son of a home ec teacher.
Ric McArthur of Ontario writes, “There is a sign at the local sewage lagoon that says ‘Trespassing by Permit only.’”
Nature notes
Skunks, raccoons, and squirrels make divots in lawns. Squirrels cache or retrieve buried corn and acorns. Skunks dig holes in search of grubs. Skunks are systematic, moving from spot to spot each night. Raccoons shred or roll the grass in search of grubs. Skunks do a neater job.
“Do Bounce fabric softener sheets repel mosquitoes, wasps, and ants?” Only if you swat them with the box the sheets come in. University studies have shown that they might work in repelling fungal gnats.
When hummingbirds sleep at night, they go into a hibernation-like state called torpor. A hummingbird consumes 50 times as much energy when it is awake (its wings beat 53 times per second) as it does when torpid. A hummingbird’s heart rate can drop from 500 to as few as 50 beats per minute and its body temperature lowers to 70 degrees from its normal 105°F. When hummingbirds go into torpor, they appear to be dead and have been found hanging upside-down. When a bird perches, it bends its legs. This tightens flexor tendons running down a bird's leg and causes the toes to curl, thereby clinching firmly to the perch and holding a bird in place. It takes up to an hour for a hummingbird to recover fully from torpor.
Meeting adjourned
A kind word pushes and pulls.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"Where did you get that piece of cherry pie?"
"It was in the refrigerator. Someone had hidden it in the vegetable tray."
"I didn’t think you’d look there."
"I looked everywhere."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: a container covered by a dishcloth holds good food.
I’ve learned
1. That very few of the prizes found in every box of Cracker Jack are edible.
2. If at first I don’t succeed, I need a new battery.
3. You cannot try on another’s eyeglasses without thinking them blind.
Walking at the Brown County Fair
I was sweating the small stuff. I was helping herd five grandchildren around the fairgrounds on a hot day.
It had been a good summer — no tornado sirens. On the way to the fair, I had driven by an old truck carrying a bumper sticker reading, "I’m retired. Go around me."
As I watched the kids go on wild rides named things like Call Your Lawyer, I had time to wonder why it is that guys’ shorts get longer while girls’ shorts become shorter.
We took a break from the rides and competitive eating to stop by the cattle barn. We watched Holsteins at a lactation station. The cows were being milked. The grandkids were momentarily mesmerized.
I remembered the days I’ve spent milking cows as I watched my grandchildren. I saw the past and the future simultaneously.
The Minnesota State Fair
There might be too many people at Minnesota’s great get together. I work at the Steele County Fair each year. In 2011, 306,597 people attended that fair and 2012 showed an increase to 321,926. I’m not sure how a "free" fair is able to arrive at such figures, but fairgoers were in abundance. The Minnesota State Fair had 234,384 people show up one day. At least one of them was staggering across the fairgrounds while singing poorly, but loudly, "Oh, give me land, lots of land under starry skies above. Don't fence me in. Let me ride through the wide-open country that I love. Don't fence me in."
I remember when Machinery Hill had machinery. My father went there to kick the tires of farm equipment that he’d never be able to afford to own.
This year, there is a scarecrow at the Horticulture Building named and modeled after me. It’s not just the crowds that make the State Fair a scary place.
Nature notes
A hummingbird flew past a turkey. The extreme birds drew me outside to enjoy the day. I danced the Funky Chicken with two left feet to music only I could hear. “A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird. Bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word.” The song, Surfin’ Bird, by the Trashmen, included the wise words that guide my life, “Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow.” Goldfinches flew from Jerusalem artichokes into a maple like leaves flying back into a tree. The air above the yard filled with feathers. Swallows were in a feeding frenzy, eating flying insects. My wife and I ate ice cream on the deck. One of the swallows hit me with a dropping. We all have to go some time. I thought about getting a tissue and wiping the poop off, but by that time, the swallow could have been a mile away. As Eliot Porter wrote, “Sometimes you can tell a large story with a tiny subject.”
Customer comments
Leon Schoenrock of New Richland writes, “I enjoyed your discussion of how to eat corn (on-the-cob) in your column. I have a way of doing it that only a farmer could appreciate. That is to go lengthwise down the rows, but only after taking the headlands off each end.”
Roger Batt of Algona sends this, “People say a house burned up. Others say the house burned down. Which is it? Does milkweed juice really work on a wart?” Roger, I believe they’re equivalent. If the house burned to the ground, it burned down. If it burned to the ground, it burned completely, so it also burned up. Similarly, when you drink down a cup of coffee, you drink it completely, so you drink it up. I’m no herbalist nor do I play an MD in the newspaper, but I’ve heard from many readers saying that milkweed sap eliminates warts.
Steve Borge of Albert Lea told me that when he bent over to pick up a can of varnish, his cellphone slipped from his pocket and fell into the varnish. It was quite a finish for the cellphone.
Meeting adjourned
A kind word grows larger with time.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club meeting
“A wasp stung me on my nose.”
“Did you put something on it?”
“No, it flew away too fast.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: the most popular spectator sport is watching the weather.
I’ve learned
1. It’s difficult to tell if you’re living up to or down to someone’s expectations.
2. To be thankful that I have more aches than pains.
3. Mirrors were better when I was younger.
Café chronicles
It was one of those cafes where each meal came with four utensils — a fork, knife, spoon, and flyswatter.
Flies don’t bother me much. Years ago, a wise man told me that I should eat a toad first thing in the morning. That makes everything else I might do that day much easier. It’s good practice to do disagreeable tasks first. I’ve noticed that there are two kinds of swatters. Some people like the flies smashed dead. Other folks like to swat them lightly, only wounding them, figuring that would be enough punishment for the sin of being a fly.
I heard a lot of singing coming from the cafe’s restroom. That was because the restroom door had no lock.
The table topic centered on garden produce. There was a discussion on how corn on the cob should be eaten. I usually eat it across moving left to right like a typewriter. Once I have a clearing, I might change to eating around the cob. An ear of corn will always have an even number of rows unless some sort of stress disrupted the developmental process. The discourse moved to how to pick a good watermelon. Proponents of thumping, slapping, smelling, examining the stem, and lifting were heard from. When it was my turn, I revealed my method — I rely on good luck.
A bump in the road
Georgette Bauman of Burnsville was driving one of our local roads when she hit a bone-jarring bump. She traveled a bit farther before she spotted a "Bump" sign. She asked me why the bump preceded the sign. I told her it was so she would know what she’d just hit.
Lingering on the subject of signs, Dennis Anderson of Hartland asked what color yield signs are. I thought it was a trick question, but without looking at a yield sign, what color is it? The sign was established as a point-down equilateral triangle (aren’t you glad you paid attention in school) with a black legend and border on a yellow background. In 1971, the yield sign changed to the red background with the white region in the center of the sign we see today.
Googling refrigerator pickles
My wife, She Who Must Be Obeyed, asked why I don’t like refrigerator pickles. I told her that it was because of the tiny magnet on the back of each pickle. To be honest, I'm not sure what a refrigerator pickle is. I don’t know what makes a refrigerator pickle a refrigerator pickle. I don’t need to ask anyone, I could simply Google it.
Eric Steinmetz of Mankato told me that he misses the friendly arguments that took place before Google. Does Google inform while making us dumber?
Wart-be-gone
I was sitting in a restaurant with John Butler of Albert Lea, Gus Courrier of Emmons, and Paul Sunde of Blooming Prairie. We are men who share things like suffering injuries while opening once-sticky junk drawers that we didn’t know had been cleared of all obstruction (rolls of tape). If you clean a junk drawer, you should label it. We were having a serious discussion. Was it about the economy? Gas prices? Healthcare? No, it was about wart cures. John suggested one involving duct tape. Gus offered a cure that required the burial of chicken parts under a waning moon. Paul proposed the sticky juice of the milkweed plant. I agreed with Paul.
Nature notes
Jenean Mortenson of Faribault asked where to find a monarch butterfly chrysalis. A striking green and gold, jewel-like chrysalis could be anywhere--on a milkweed plant, leaf, twig, rock, fence rail, etcetera. The caterpillar attaches itself where it feels safe. Butterfly caterpillars don’t spin cocoons. If you see a caterpillar spinning a cocoon, it’s going to become a moth. Butterfly caterpillars transform into a chrysalis or pupa. When the monarch caterpillar is ready to become a chrysalis, it hangs upside down in a J-shape. It wiggles until its skin splits and a chrysalis appears where a caterpillar used to be--a trick to make any magician proud.
Meeting adjourned
A kind word fosters miracles.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“I’ve started a business of removing wolverines from homes.”
“We don’t have any wolverines here.”
“I know. That means I’ll have no competition.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: the inventor of the doorbell did not own a small dog.
I can’t prove it, but I suspect that
1. Brain freeze from eating ice cream is what causes zombies.
2. Women like men in uniform because their shirts match their pants.
3. When food falls on the floor, a mother germ will not let her young jump on it until five seconds pass.
The news from Hartland
The theme of the new theme park located just outside of town is waiting in line.
Duper Supermarket makes shopping easier by moving the magazines next to the toilet paper.
The Stop That! Chemical Dependency Center erects a sign at its gate reading, “Abandon all dope, ye who enter here.”
We drank the Kool-Aid
My mother sometimes poured Kool-Aid into one of those metal ice cube trays. Then she’d put a recycled Popsicle stick into each cube before putting the tray into our freezer, which was a small compartment at the top of our refrigerator. Once the cubes were frozen, we had a tray of poor man’s Popsicles. Mark Roche of Albert Lea told me that his mother used toothpicks for handles. I remember a fellow kid telling me that his father had made some of the frozen Kool-Aid treats, but could find no toothpicks. He used wooden kitchen matches instead.
Customer comments
Judy Tweeten of Hartland said that she and her husband Arlo took grandchildren on a trip to Canada. A grandson became very homesick. He texted his mother, asking her to come and get him. She refused. "O.K.," he responded, "I’ll say I’ve been kidnapped when we go through customs." Fortunately, he didn’t carry through with the threat.
Al Quade of Albert Lea told me that he enjoys listening to the radio. He has five stations that he likes to listen to during the day. He owns five radios. He has each radio tuned to a different station. All he has to do is to turn on the radio that is set to the station he wants to listen to.
Andy Dyrdal of Albert Lea is a retired postman. He said that if the mail was ever a bit late, he told anyone who complained that it was tomorrow’s mail. He added that he has a number of friends who have aches and pains associated with injuries they suffered while participating in sports. Andy said he is thankful that he wasn’t good enough to play.
Neil Burtness of Brownsdale told me that he often took his father-in-law, Vernon Moe of New Richland, to clinic appointments. Afterwards, they stopped for treats at a McDonald’s drive-through lane — an ice cream cone each. Neil said they could tell if they’d gotten their money's worth of ice cream if they passed a certain road on their drive home before the cones disappeared. If they drove past that road and there was ice cream still to be eaten, they had made a wise purchase.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
I ran the bicycle downhill from the house to the end of the drive.
I was young, much younger than the bicycle. The bike had a truck steering wheel instead of handlebars. The bike was too big for me. I could hit only one pedal at a time. The slant of the drive made acceleration easy, but there was a problem stopping. Being unable to apply both feet at once to the pedals forced me to employ a method of stopping that required colliding with something. More than once, that something was a barbed wire fence. This produced anguished cries, but I was steadfast. I pushed that bicycle up to the high point of the drive. Down we sped until the bike hit the barbed wire again. It was a vicious cycle.
Nature notes
Dave Ausen of Alden wonders if civet cats survive. The abundance of small farms in the early 1900s facilitated an expanding population of civet cats (eastern spotted skunks). They denned under buildings and fed on stored crops, rodents, eggs, and chickens. Only six civet cats have been documented in the last 20 years in Minnesota and it’s an endangered species in Iowa. Farm consolidations, modern agricultural practices, and pesticide use have contributed to the decline.
Meeting adjourned
“How beautiful a day can be when kindness touches it.” — George Elliston
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Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"Do you know who I am?"
"I don’t think so."
"Have you ever seen me before?"
"I don’t believe so."
"Then how do you know that I'm me?"
I’ve learned
1. A friend is someone who will pick you up when you fall — after he is done laughing.
2. Sunrises are no more beautiful than sunsets, but they are less crowded.
3. That my mind and the mirror often disagree as to what I should wear.
My neighbor
My neighbor says that he doesn’t mind when names escape him nearly as much as he minds how much time he has to spend chasing them. He asked me how he could identify a poison ivy plant. It’s quite simple. I told him that if he were walking in the woods and he stumbled over a tree root, the vine that he reached for to keep from falling would be poison ivy.
Never letting the truth get in the way of a good story
My wife and I were in a hotel room located in a small town in Alaska. The lobby of the hotel displayed a signed photo of Billy Ray Cyrus. Cyrus is famed for the song, "Achy Breaky Heart." It’s one of those lutefisk songs. Like lutefisk, people either love or hate the song. I told my wife that our room was the same room that Billy Ray Cyrus had stayed in. She didn’t share my belief.
One night, I found a crumpled piece of paper that had been shoved under a leg of the desk in an attempt to disable a wobble. I carefully unfolded the creased paper. On that paper, was handwritten the following, "Achy Breaky Pancreas. Achy Breaky Spleen. Achy Breaky Lung. Achy Breaky..."
Billy Ray Cyrus had been trying to write a new song in our hotel room.
My wife still doesn’t believe me.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
I tried to watch cowboys whenever possible. Roy Rogers, Gene Autry, Hopalong Cassidy, Gunsmoke, The Lone Ranger, The Rifleman, Have Gun Will Travel, Lash LaRue, Maverick, Rawhide, etc. Each hero, other than Lash LaRue who favored a whip, used six-shooters, which were pistols that never needed reloading. You could tell the good guys from the bad guys by the color of hat they wore. I wanted to be Roy Rogers, wear a white hat, and ride Trigger about the countryside saving cities like Grand Meadow, Frost, and Matawan from black hat-wearing bad guys. I knew that if I became Roy that I’d have to kiss Dale Evans on occasion, but it was a price I was willing to pay.
Sleeping at the county fair
A church in Hartland operated a food stand at the county fair for many years. One of the volunteer workers, Kernel Knudson, worried about theft or vandalism, so he slept nights in that building during the fair. When he married Beth, he did so during the time that the county fair was running. While on his honeymoon, Kernel sent a postcard to those at home that read, "This is much more fun than sleeping at the fair."
Customer comments
C.E. Vollum of Albert Lea told me that his uncle was so poor that he ate ketchup sandwiches without bread.
Wes Tennis of Hayward and I watched a woman rise from the walker she was sitting upon and carry her walker across the fairgrounds. Wes said, "That’s a Norwegian walker."
Darrell Soper of rural Albert Lea told me that the farm fields are so dry and the cracks in them so large and deep that if you dropped a wrench, it couldn’t help but fall into a crack and disappear forever.
Nature notes
The day was a Where’s Waldo? book and I was Waldo. Deerflies found me. They are about the size of houseflies and are mostly yellow, brown, or black with varying stripes. Deerflies have brilliantly colored eyes, ranging from gold to green and their wings are usually marked with dark patterns. Most deerflies attack people around the head, neck, and shoulders. The females bite humans and animals in order to obtain a blood meal to feed their eggs. The males feed on pollen and nectar. Deerflies are most likely to attack on warm sunny days. Deerflies are attracted to dark moving shapes, carbon dioxide, and warmth. They use their knife-like mouthparts to slice the skin and feed on the blood pool created. They inject an anti-coagulant into the bloodstream while feeding. To reduce exposure to bites, it is best to wear light-colored clothing and cap.
Meeting adjourned
Nothing haunts like a kindness undone. Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers' Club Meeting
"I used one of those electric scooters in the supermarket yesterday. The throttle stuck and I hit a display of Twinkies at full speed. It took a crew an hour to free me from the wreckage."
"Are you O.K.?"
"Well, I have a few bruises and I gained 12 pounds."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: the day was so hot that if my car’s air conditioning stopped working, I could have cooled the vehicle by turning on the heater.
I’ve learned
1. There is no reason to be pessimistic. It won’t help.
2. If you insist on running while you play rock-paper-scissors, you should play just rock-paper.
3. The toilet is an ancient burial ground for goldfish.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
My mother told the story of when a group of friends and I had found a dead robin. We were very young, but we took our sad discovery to heart. We buried the bird at the edge of the woods. It was a solemn occasion. We used a rock for a gravestone and mumbled a few good words about the dearly departed. Then we sang, "Happy birthday to you."
It was the only song we all knew.
The news from Hartland
Massive organ failure quiets church.
Senior bowling tournament won by man who came closest to the pin.
Abner’s Air & Space Museum remains empty.
I’ve been reading
I read a column by Kyle Munson in the Des Moines Register. The excellent piece was on small-town Iowa slogans. Here are some examples. Gravity: “We’re down to earth. If Gravity goes, we all go.” Readlyn: “857 friendly people and one old grump.” Lake City: “Everything but a lake.” Rudd: “Not bigger, just better.” Denver: “The mile wide city.” Albert City: “How Swede it is.” Stuart: “1700 good eggs and a few stinkers.” Britt: “Founded by rail. Sustained by plow.” Mallard: “We’re friendly ducks.”
Mallard High School had the best cheer ever, "Black and Gold, Gold and Black. Mallard Ducks go quack, quack, quack."
A town not far from me, Bath, went away. Its slogan might have been, "Hey! We’re over here."
My hometown of Hartland is a wonderful city. In 1990, I wrote that it should adopt the slogan, "Lutherans gone wild."
I haven’t heard back from the Mayor yet.
Cellphone chronicles
Alex Johnston of Albert Lea told me that he had obtained an iPhone. A cellphone is very important in that it gives a person something to do when he has too much to do. I have a cellphone that allows me to travel with thumbs too big and keyboard too small. With the weather we haven’t been enjoying, I hope Alex’s new iPhone has an air conditioner app. In order to protect his cellphone investment, Alex purchased a protective case, called the OtterBox. This case is purported to be so good at what it does that Alex could drive over it with his car and the phone would be unharmed. His young sons want him to test the claim. Alex has refrained from doing that—so far.
Did you know?
The Darby Bible translation of 1 Samuel 5:9 reads, "And it came to pass that, after they had carried it about, the hand of Jehovah was against the city with very great panic; and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and hemorrhoids broke out upon them."
Walla Walla, Washington once had a professional baseball team nicknamed the Walla Wallas. Yes, they were the Walla Walla Walla Wallas.
While on the subject of baseball, Walt Dropo of the Detroit Tigers set a record on July 14 and 15, 1952 when he had hits in 12 consecutive at-bats during a single game and a doubleheader.
According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, between 2000 and 2010, 293 Americans died because a television, furniture piece, or appliance had fallen on them.
Sixteen ears of corn were found on a single plant in Swedesburg, Iowa in 2009.
Bug zappers aren’t effective in controlling mosquitoes. They kill beneficial insects and don’t attract mosquitoes.
Some of my favorite collective nouns are a whiteness of swans, a congress of crows, and an asylum of loons.
Meeting adjourned
"Show kindness whenever possible. Show it to the people in front of you, the people coming up behind you, and the people with whom you are running neck and neck. It will vastly improve the quality of your own life, the lives of others, and the state of the world."--Ann Patchett
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“We missed you at church on Sunday.”
“Really?”
“When we count our blessings, missing you is one of them.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: anyone who says an onion is the only vegetable that can make you cry has never been hit in the face with a turnip.
I’ve learned
1. The easiest way to put my best foot forward is by keeping it out of my mouth.
2. That beds are more comfortable in the morning than at night.
3. The days of proper grammar is gone.
The news from Hartland
The local telephone book offers only one number--directory assistance.
Bonnie and Clod’s Grocery Store offers six checkout lanes — only one open during the busiest times.
Taxidermist, Noah Zark, starts a tax preparation service because, as Noah said, "Why not?"
My neighbor
My neighbor 7 1/8 (his mother picked his name out of a hat) and I watched a beanbag toss tournament. I suspect most people are familiar with the game. Players take turns throwing beanbags underhanded at a raised platform with a hole in the far end. Points are scored by tossing the bag into the hole or onto the platform.
We hadn’t watched long before 7 1/8 told me that his great-great grandfather had invented the game. His ancestors caught ground squirrels, held them by their tails, and attempted to toss the rodents into their burrows. You made your own entertainment in those days.
7 1/8, whose hobby is pushing doors that should be pulled, showed me a book he’d just finished. The book was supposed to help him quit smoking. He’s been able to quit on his own many times between cigarettes, but thought he’d ask a book for help. The book was on self-hypnotism. He hated the first few chapters, but ended up loving the book.
Put me in coach
I sat on bleachers hard enough to cut diamonds and watched a granddaughter pitch softball. She threw incredibly hard for one so small. I played softball. It was easier playing than watching. I didn’t have time to worry while I played. A softball game has become a nervous breakdown divided into innings.
A batter reached first on an error, but the pitcher remained calm and struck out the next three batters.
I remembered showing her a pillbug in a basement a few years ago. Pillbugs have seven pairs of legs, but aren’t insects. They’re kin to shrimp, lobsters, and crayfish. The grayish 3/8-inch long crustaceans are terrestrial isopods. Pillbugs live in moist environments and occasionally enter buildings. They don’t bite, sting, or transmit disease. They don’t infest food, clothing, or wood. The pillbug rolls into an armored ball like an armadillo when disturbed. It conglobulates, which means it gathers into a small round mass. This behavior earned it the name “roly-poly.” Sowbugs are similar but lack this capability.
I showed my granddaughter that pillbug rolled into a ball. She was as amazed by its existence as I continue to be.
As I watched her come to bat and rap out a single, I realized that while I love her as she is now, I couldn’t help but miss her as she was.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
I listened to a GPS tell me where to turn. I recalled trying to find locations via directions scratched on the back of an envelope or by using a small map from a phone book. At least when I became lost in those days, I had an excuse.
School memories
It was back when 10 cents was a lot of money. My how dimes have changed. I was preparing to enter the seventh grade. I was about to rest my brain at a new school. I didn’t know what to expect, but there were plenty of others willing to inform or misinform me. An older boy told me that there was only one thing that I shouldn’t miss at my new school. I asked what that was. He answered, "The bus home."
Customer comments
Nancy Busse of Mankato remembers one winter when her mother (Lorraine Babcock of New Richland) flooded the backyard to make a skating rink for her children. Part of the flooded area had dead weeds standing in it. The weeds were tall enough to protrude above the frozen water. That was no problem for Nancy’s mom. She used a lawn mower to cut the tops off the weeds.
Meeting adjourned
Strive to be the nicest one in a disagreement. Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“My nephlittle Neal is visiting.”
“Don’t you mean ‘nephew’?”
“A little is a few.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: some people tell me that this country is headed in the wrong direction, but the sun still sets in the west.
I’ve learned
1. The five days following the weekend are the hardest.
2. Cats keep us around just for our thumbs.
3. You can slap anyone as long as you say, “Mosquito.”
How dry is it?
Stan Fitz of Rockford, IA said that the Shell Rock River is lower than it was a few years ago when the fish could only swim every other day. I know that Stan is not one to exaggerate or he would have added that it was so dry the bullheads had wood ticks.
Class reunion
The actor Monty Woolley was at a dinner party when he belched loudly. A woman sitting nearby gasped indignantly and glared at him. Woolley returned the look and said, "And what did you expect, my good woman? Chimes?"
I attended a class reunion recently. I love reunions. They are reminders some things that were hard to bear are sweet to remember, but I never know what to expect at such gatherings.
No one looked as if he or she had just pecked his or her way out of an eggshell, but everyone looked good. No one asked, “Who invited all these old people?” The reunion was a bit of show-and-tell. If someone showed up, he or she was expected to tell a bit about his or her life. No one went on for an uncomfortable time. There were no disappointments in either the showing or the telling.
“You know, you haven’t changed a bit since high school,” said one classmate to another.
“That’s nice of you to say.”
“It’s no wonder you had trouble getting dates.”
Each class member had done well for someone who chewed gum with an open mouth in class. We were those of whom Carl Sandburg could have written, "Why did the children put beans in their ears when the one thing we told the children they must not do was put beans in their ears? Why did the children pour molasses on the cat when the one thing we told the children they must not do was pour molasses on the cat?"
It’s true we lacked beans, molasses, and cats at the reunion, but everyone acted like a grown-up.
I know what our parents would say about that.
"It’s about time."
Is that spider going to be in the bathroom all day?
We hadn’t been married long. We didn’t have much money or much of anything else. When I came home from work one day, my new bride told me she had discovered a spider in the bathroom of our old house. She hadn’t yet learned to enjoy the occasional spider in the biffy. We didn’t have any insect sprays, so she sprayed it with what she could find — hairspray.
It didn’t hurt the spider, but it was ready for prom.
Nature notes
Willow trees have salicin in their bark. It’s similar to aspirin — acetylsalicylic acid. Those who went before us chewed willow bark to combat toothaches and headaches. How did they know to do that? They might have learned from the Native Americans who got onto it because beavers never suffered from headaches or toothaches. In honor of the beaver and its sharing of a headache remedy, I would like to share this bit of poetry, “I had a little beaver that I tied up with a cord. But I had to let him go. I hated to see a beaver bored.”
Heat is the most common weather-related cause of death. Some research indicates that an ocean of corn causes a spike in the dew point. I believe the excessive hot weather is due to all the folks who, every winter, wish for warmer weather. What we call an extended heat wave is a normal summer in parts of this country. We have no dearth of weather. We can’t put up a barbed wire fence in order to keep weather out. It will change. Weather is fickle, but wind seems to be a constant. That’s a good thing. If the wind quits blowing, the gigantic wind turbines near my home would be disgusted.
Meeting adjourned
Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.”