Compostings (267)
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"My brother thinks highly of you."
"I don’t even know him."
"That’s why he thinks highly of you."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: An optimist invented the airplane. A pessimist invented the parachute.
I’ve learned
The only way to be sure of winning a lottery is to buy all the tickets.
I want my bed warm and my pillow cool.
To never argue with a cook.
The news from Hartland
The Eat Around It Cafe reminds customers that club sandwiches are for members only.
Trampoline Land stops serving prune smoothies.
Neighbors chip in to pay college tuition for teen with nine electric guitars.
A fall in the spring
A woman from Mankato told me that she had slipped on the ice and fallen while letting her dog into the house. She ended up at the emergency room where it was determined that she had a broken wrist.
When she first went to the hospital, she told the nurse, "I just want to know if I hurt myself."
"Does it hurt?" asked the nurse.
"Yes."
"Then you hurt yourself," said the nurse.
Echoes from the aisles
I was in a store, doing some light shopping. It was so light that I hoped the store had a "one item or less" checkout lane. After finding the thing I needed, I walked toward the checkout area. On my journey there, I encountered a young mother in the company of four small children who were heavily into wanting and needing. As I walked behind them for a bit before I could find a passing lane, I couldn’t help but hear them asking for this and that. During that short period, the mother recited the "shopping with children" haiku. It went like this.
"No no no no no.
No no no no no no no.
No no no no no."
Tales of a traveling man
I was speaking in far-flung places. I went through airport security. I hoped that I’d remembered not to forget to remember to remove everything from my pockets before going through the metal detector — a full body scan bully. The security folks were apparently searching for stuffing. I flew in a cramped plane. I sat in coach, but my feet were in first class. I mumbled, "Turn here," for most of the flight. It had been a tiring day on the road. I checked into a hotel and, because the dining room was closing soon, left my luggage at the front desk and went to eat. After a good meal, I reclaimed my luggage and realized that I’d forgotten my room number. I went back to the desk and asked the clerk on duty, "My name is Al Batt, could you please tell me what room I am in?"
"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."
A sign on the door to the room next to mine read, "Disturb at your own risk." A man snored in the room on the other side of me — or there might have been a chainsaw-carving contest in progress. I wasn’t surprised by any of it. I don’t expect apples from an oak tree. Despite all these things, I enjoyed my trip immensely. I always do.
Did you know?
The Tobacco Growers’ Mutual Insurance Company of North Canaan, Conn. wrote the first hail insurance policy in 1887.
Rapper Kanye West doesn’t read books, but wrote one that he wants you to buy. West is the co-author of "Thank You And You're Welcome." His book contains 52 pages — some blank. One two-page section reads, "Life is 5% what happens and 95% how you react!" Another page reads, "I hate the word hate!" Another says, "Get used to being used." He calls these "Kanye-isms." West adds, "I am a proud non-reader of books. I like to get information from doing stuff."
Crash Davis, in the movie "Bull Durham" said, "Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls — it's more democratic."
Nature notes
"Why do geese honk in flight?" In flocks, it may sound as if they all want to pass, but they call to maintain contact—perhaps with family members. The younger members are likely honking, "Are we there yet?" The honking helps coordinate the movement of the flock. When in pairs, one tells the other, "Follow me,” “I’m over here,” “Let’s go,” or “Stop and ask for directions.”
Come birding with me
Join me for a bird watching adventure on May 3 from 2 to 3 PM at Maplewood Park in Waseca. Bring binoculars if you have them. Call 835-5626 for information.
Meeting adjourned
Do not hold grudges. Let go of what steals your joy. Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I watched the original 'True Grit' the other day. It was good, but John Wayne is really beginning to show his age."
"John Wayne is dead."
"Oh. Well, then he looked pretty good."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: All my life, I've been told that there is no such thing as bad weather. There is just bad clothing. I would add that there are bad weather forecasts, too.
Armed teachers
The coach was like Marlin Perkins of Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom and we were a bunch of Jim Fowlers. We ran up The Hill like Jim trying to perform a root canal on a gigantic crocodile in Australia while Marlin attempted to sell insurance from the safety of an office in Nebraska. There is much talk about arming our teachers. I hear viewpoints that are pro and con. Teachers carrying weapons is an interesting concept. I want you to think about all of the teachers and coaches you’ve had in your life. Would you have wanted all of them to be armed?
My John Hancock
My wife was off manning the Art Center. I suppose she was actually gal-ing the art gallery. I went to the cafe, where I met a fellow wearing a Minnesota toupee (a gimme cap advertising a seed corn company). The man told me that his name was Duane M. I. Olson. He was one of those fellows who had no indoor voice. After we talked a bit, I was brave enough to ask him what M. I. stood for. He told me that it stood for Middle Initials.
He asked me if I’d ever thought about going by my first initial and my middle name. I hadn’t. Have you? How does it sound if you went by your initials. I’d be A. E. Initials are an important consideration when naming a baby. It’s nearly as important as naming your dog something you are comfortable shouting out the door of your house.
I signed some official documents recently. My name on the forms included my middle initial. I was asked to add that middle initial in my signature. I did. I don’t incorporate the middle initial in my normal signature. That action messed up my messy signature for a few days. There was a bit of indecision each time I scrawled my name. The E wanted in.
Memories of mother
My mother was about 5 feet tall. She claimed to have been an inch taller, but that might have been wishful thinking. I grew taller than that because of my mother’s gift of encouragement. I stand somewhere in the neighborhood of 6 feet, 4 inches. I’d have been taller, but I was more afraid of heights than widths.
A woman looked up at me and said to my mother, "I can’t believe you have a son that big."
Mom smiled and replied, "Well, he wasn't that big when I had him."
Reading the walls
Donald and Glenda Batt of Hartland have this framed and hanging on the wall of their home, "How could I be what I’m not when I have a hard time being what I already am?"
Did you know?
An AARP study showed that the happiest people watch less than an hour of TV a day. University of Maryland researchers concluded that very happy people read the newspaper. Prevention magazine recently cited newspaper reading as one of the things you can do to be happy.
Two to four percent of the world's population has red hair.
A Cornell University researcher found that junk food with green calorie labels is more likely to be perceived as a healthier product.
Nature’s World
"Do plastic owls work in discouraging birds?" They do. Sometimes for as long as a few days. Sometimes for as long as 15 minutes. An owl effigy works to block a nesting or feeding area, but so would a stuffed monkey or a plastic shopping bag. Birds quickly figure out that it’s not a real owl. I’ve seen a crow, mourning dove, robin, grackle, etc. perched on such owls. I’ve watched a flicker hammering on a plastic owl, attempting to turn it into a resonant instrument for declaring territory. Some of the owls are nicely done, but unless you are collecting artwork, save your money.
Meeting adjourned
Karen Berg of Fountain sent one of my favorite Ralph Waldo Emerson quotes, “You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.”
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"If I had Warren Buffet’s money, I’d be richer than he is."
"How do you figure that?"
"Well, I’d have both his money and mine."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: where I live, we have air that hasn’t even been breathed yet.
I grew up along the shores of Mule Lake
You might be from Mule Lake if you floss by eating sweet corn.
I watched Barney Fife as he and Matt Dillon helped Perry Mason find Lassie. We didn’t get very good TV reception.
As I did my farm chores, I didn’t dream of becoming Barney Fife, although that would have been a worthy goal. I dreamed of becoming a licensed driver who owned a car.
When that dream became a reality, I was the proud owner of a car that had its value doubled whenever I filled it with gas. It had no horsepower. It had possumpower.
I put oversized tires on the rear of the car. They were much bigger than those on the front. I didn’t do that because it looked cool. I did it because it fooled the motor into thinking it was going downhill.
Shopping takes a wrong turn
I drove by a business that had closed recently. Sad thing. It was someone’s dream.
I recently walked into a store that I frequent. I’m somewhere else more than I’m in the store, but I do shop there for business supplies. I came though the front doors. That’s a good place to start. These doors that lead to other doors are the kind that open automatically when they sense the presence of a customer. I stepped through those doors and turned right. That was wrong. Turning right led to the exit doors. I backtracked and entered the store through the doors made for entering. I turn right, the wrong way, almost every time I enter that store. I blame it on Credence Clearwater Revival. I enjoy listening to CCR. In their song, "Bad Moon Rising," there is the line, "There's a bad moon on the rise." That’s the line, but it sounds as if they are singing, "There’s a bathroom on the right."
A lot of stress can be eliminated by never passing a restroom. Therefore, I turn right.
There was a story there
I stopped to get gas at Fleet Farm in Owatonna. As I filled the tank, a man drove past me driving an old Murray lawn tractor. He didn’t roar past me or zoom by me. It was more of a mosey. I paid for my gas forged from gold and continued my journey northward. As I turned off Bridge Street onto the I-35 entrance ramp, there he was motoring down it. I’d have loved to talk to that fellow.
Peter and the Wolf
In grammar school, one of my best days was when we listened to “Peter and the Wolf” on a record played on, what else, a record player. It was a composition by Sergei Prokofiev written in 1936; a children’s story spoken by a narrator accompanied by an orchestra. A flute played the bird’s theme, an oboe played the duck’s, and a clarinet played the cat’s theme. Watching birds is a symphony.
Did you know?
They advertised X-ray specs in the funny books. They were supposed to allow you to see through things. Feathers were sandwiched between two sheets of cardboard from which the glasses were cut. When you looked through the two 1/4-inch holes, you looked through the feathers, which diffracted light and created the impression of an x-ray.
Gazelle, a trade-in site for consumer electronics, said that Tallahassee led its "Top Ten Klutziest Cities" list. New Orleans was second. The ratings were based on the percentage of cellphones exchanged that were cracked, dented, or water-damaged.
Nature notes
I saw an opossum run over on the road. A car had hit it. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the opossum it could be done. Opossums don’t understand cars. They stop in the middle of a road to look at a speeding automobile. As Pogo Possum, in Walt Kelly’s famed comic strip, said, “We have met the enemy and he is us.”
The Virginia opossum, with 50 teeth, eats nearly anything. It has two litters of six to 20 each year. They have many babies so that some might avoid being hit by a Buick.
Meeting adjourned
A kind word makes the old feel young and the poor feel rich.
Echoes from the Loafers' Club Meeting
"I overslept this morning."
"Didn’t your alarm go off?"
"Yes, but it went off while I was asleep."
I’ve learned
As I listened to many young people sing the national anthem during the high school basketball tournaments, I was impressed at how much better they were at the job than the majority of the professionals who sing it at nationally televised events. The youngsters not only knew the words, they used them.
The geek have inherited the earth.
Thanks to Facebook, Minnesota has become the land of 10,000 likes.
The news from Hartland
Woman claims the other driver was at fault because he didn’t notice she was on her cellphone.
You lose weight on the Lutheran Diet because the guilt you feel after cheating on your diet burns calories.
Buick introduces a new model called the Geezer.
The cafe chronicles
The Glue Club was meeting at the legendary table of infinite knowledge. They’ve stuck together for years. They were enjoying the special of the day — a popular hotdish. That’s how they roll — or casserole. They did some friendly complaining about the good food. Peanut butter on sandpaper. Tastes like I’m licking my foot. Most of their heavy discussions involved heavy equipment.
The waitress sang a line from a Rolling Stones song, replacing "I’ll never be your beast of burden" with "I’ll never leave your pizza burning."
The B & B Cafe in Albert Lea displays a sign, "Be nice or leave. Thank you."
That should be posted everywhere.
Animal stories
The cats stared at the wall. After five minutes of that, I walked over and stared at the same spot to see what they saw. I glanced at them and saw the felines were smirking. Maybe they saw the ghosts of hamsters.
There was a movie starring Steve McQueen, called "The Great Escape." It was about those attempting to escape from a prisoner of war camp.
I had a series of hamsters in my formative years. Somehow, each of those hamsters escaped and found home in my father’s easy chair.
I named each of the free-range hamsters “Steve."
Traveling mercies
The sun projected the shadows of the lofty wind turbines planted near the highway. More than one elongated shadow of a blade swooped across the road as I drove from here to there. I sang, "I'm being followed by a blade shadow." Somewhere, Cat Stevens sang, "I’m being followed by a moon shadow."
Travel is educational. That’s why I stop at historical monuments. They’re both historical and monumental.
I recall flying to New York. I was going to be a big dork in New York for a couple of hours, but my flight out of Minneapolis was delayed due to an ill plane. I reached the airport in New York just in time to see my flight to Zurich take off without me. Historical markers never do that.
Did you know?
Scientists have found caffeine-laced nectar improves honeybees' memory for up to three days. It probably gives the bees a buzz.
Have you walked into a room with a purpose in mind, only to completely forget what it was? Doors might cause these strange memory lapses. Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame discovered that passing through a doorway triggers an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.
Nonprofit Vote states that Minnesota ranked first in voter turnout in eight of the last nine elections (presidential and midterm).
According to BMC Public Health, the world’s population is 17 million tons overweight.
"Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Hellbound, Flesh-Eating Subhumanoid Zombified Living Dead, Part 2: In Shocking 2-D" is a movie title.
Gates Brown was eating two hotdogs in the Detroit Tiger dugout in 1968 when manager Mayo Smith ordered him to pinch hit. Brown stuffed the hotdogs into his jersey to eat later. After sliding headfirst into second with a double, the mustard and catsup from the hotdogs bled through his jersey as he stood on base.
Bread was once used for erasing pencil marks.
Column customers
Gene Amley of New Richland, Craig Bell of Hartland, and Iris Bell of Ellendale were kind enough to give me some books. I love books. I’ve learned that I can’t thank people enough, so I have to thank them often. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario wrote, "That which does not kill me makes me harder to insure."
Nature notes
A weasel is 7 to 14 inches long, a mink 16 to 29 inches. A mink is dark with a white spot on the throat. A weasel is yellowish-white underneath and has a black tip on its tail.
Meeting adjourned
Zion Lutheran Church of Albert Lea has a sign reading, "Life is short. Forgive quickly."
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"What time is it?"
"It’s 10:10."
"Oh. Thank you. Thank you."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if I start each morning on the right foot, the muscles in my left foot might atrophy.
I’ve learned
A hangnail is a coat hook.
If you say "gullible" slowly, it sounds like "refrigerator."
I once found it incredible that I had a fax machine. Now I find it incredible that I still have a fax machine.
Have you ever wondered?
Many people have a lucky number. How many have a lucky word?
Why is comparing apples and oranges considered fruitless?
Why isn’t there bacon-flavored floss?
Getting an allowance from a grandson
I stepped outside to talk on the phone. I went outdoors in the hopes that my hot air might melt some of the snow. My birthday was one day and a grandson’s the next. He turned 4 on March 17, St. Patrick’s Day. I watched as he enjoyed his gifts. I battled him in a spirited game of Rock ’em Sock 'em Robots. Some toys never go away. I suffered defeat after defeat. Taking a break from my trouncing, I watched as my grandson opened an envelope containing a birthday card from his great grandmother. Inside the card was a $10 bill. Crosby gave me the money with a "Here, Grandpa."
I’ve trained him well.
Singing the praises of small schools
We watched NRHEG play Minneapolis Washburn in the girls’ basketball state tournament. My wife claimed the game unfair. The Minnesota State High School League uses enrollment numbers to set tournament classes. They measured NRHEG as having slightly over 260 and Washburn well over 700. The MSHSL uses a formula that adjusts the actual figures, but no matter, Washburn dwarfed NRHEG in both height and population.
My wife need not have fretted. NRHEG emerged victorious.
A fellow of my acquaintance graduated during the last year of a tiny school's existence. There were three in his class. At the graduation ceremonies, the salutatorian spoke. Then the valedictorian talked. This fellow remained seated and quiet. Everyone knew his academic standing in the class. Last.
Since that day, he has told everyone he thinks should know that he graduated third in his class.
Had he not gone to a small school, such an achievement wouldn’t have been possible.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
I was one of those little kids. You know the kind. To get my busy mother’s attention, I whined endlessly, "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom..."
Mom took as much as she could stand before saying, "What do you want?"
By then, I’d forgotten what I wanted.
The economy
Businesses have had to tighten their belts. A friend manages a store that sells clothing. He confronted an employee because the young man was wearing sagging trousers that made it difficult to work. The constant hitching of pants made it hard to maintain momentum as he walked like a tot wearing an older sibling’s hand-me-down clothes. Styles come and go. The young man was warned that if he didn’t pull his pants up, he'd be going. He acted quickly. He stole a belt from his employer. He was caught easily, as his pants were still riding low enough to make running impossible.
Customer comments
Pam Grunzke of Waseca told me that when she loses an eyelash, she places it on her palm, makes a wish, and blows the eyelash away.
I looked at the calendar on the wall of my brother-in-law’s home near Sheboygan, Wisconsin. It showed December 2011. I brought this to his attention. He (Reid Nelson) replied, "That’s why I’ve been missing appointments."
Did you know?
A study published in "Psychological Science" found that people who smile after engaging in stress-inducing tasks showed faster reduction in heart rates.
Abraham Lincoln wasn’t the main speaker when he delivered the Gettysburg address. Senator Edward Everett, considered the greatest speaker at the time, was the main attraction.
A sleep researcher at the University of California-Riverside found that a 60-to-90-minute nap improved memory test results as fully as did eight hours of sleep.
BBRP
It will be my pleasure to speak at the Bluebird Recovery Program Expo taking place at the Middle School in Northfield on April 13. The Expo is a pleasing way to learn about bluebirds and other birds. Please visit http://bbrp.org/ or contact JENean Mortenson at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. for more information.
Meeting adjourned
Say "hello" to someone you like for me. We have you in common. Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafer’s Club Meeting
"I didn’t get any sleep. My wife twisted my nose all night."
"Is she mad at you?"
"No, she dreamed that she’d forgotten to turn off the water in the sink."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: people tend to fall back when they first spring ahead.
I've learned
To check for toilet paper first.
Yours is never the weirdest family.
If you are worried about getting a disease from biting insects, don’t bite any.
The times they are a-changing
I’ve watched a number of basketball games from rock-hard gym seats this year. Few players wear eyeglasses anymore.
I went to a funeral to pay respects to the deceased. There, I was reminded that if I want to see a necktie, I should look in my closet.
In a hotel room, I watched a few minutes of "Gunsmoke" on TV. It was an episode starring Festus more than Matt Dillon. I prefer Festus to Chester for reasons I cannot explain. The old western’s Dodge City was much different from anything today, but one of the most noticeable differences was the complete lack of beeping.
Ask Al
"How do I find north when I’m in the woods?" Face south and then turn around quickly.
"How far do you live from town?" Three or four miles, depending upon the traffic.
"What would you do if the boat you were in started leaking?" I’d put a pan under it.
My neighbor
My neighbor Still Bill, he’ll allow anyone to use his snow shovel to clear his walk, has a brother who was married recently. Still Bob, the brother, tied the knot with a girlfriend of longstanding. We were all at a basketball game in Mankato. Somehow, his wife brought the conversation around to how nice it was that they were doing something together, instead of Still Bob spending all his time in an ice fishing shack. She suggested that he retire his ice auger.
Still Bob was stunned. He fell silent. She asked, "Darling, what’s wrong?"
"You sounded just like my ex-wife," replied Still Bob.
"Ex-wife!” she screamed, "You never told me that you were married before!”
"I wasn’t!"
Talk nice
Daniel Otten of Hayward said that his aunt told him, "Whenever many Ottens get together, nothing good happens."
She had a point. Families gather to find comfort after a death. That was true in this case. Daniel’s uncle had died.
My mother was fond of saying, "It’s a shame he had to miss his funeral. It would have been good had he heard all the nice things people said about him."
That is the truest of cautionary tales. We need to make an effort to say nice things to those important to us.
Right before Daniel’s uncle died, he’d told his family, "Don’t worry about me. I’ll be all right."
Comforting words.
Teatime
I stopped at a fast food restaurant to get a cup of hot tea. It wasn’t my favorite tea, but it was better than none. The person ahead of me purchased a numbered meal and paid for it with cash pulled from a battered wallet held together by duct tape. The cashier gave the customer change. The man counted his change twice and was about to do it a third time when the cashier asked, "Is it all there?"
The man put his money away and grumbled, "Barely."
Cafe chronicles
The old stove was battered. There had been a run on pancakes. My nose rejoiced. Why can’t more foods smell like bacon? I feel like I belong a little bit in many places, but the smell of bacon in a small town cafe tells me I’m home. A place where I find foods that I’d forgotten I’d liked; foods that could be reasoned with--not too spicy. Patrons who remember what it was like before they were held up at the point of a gas pump. Men who are willing to teach more than they know. Where everyone gets a slice of the baloney.
"These pancakes are fluffy, yet crispy. Golden brown and delicious," said a diner.
"You like them?" said the surprised waitress.
"Well, they could be rounder."
Congratulations
To not only the NRHEG Panthers girls’ basketball team, but to all the students of that fine school. You make us proud.
Did you know?
In a University College London study, participants chose a new behavior that could be repeated daily. On average, it took 66 days to make it a habit.
Nature notes
Melting snow reveals narrow runs of meadow vole trails across lawns.
Meeting adjourned
The best exercise for the heart is an act of kindness.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I went to Walla, Washington last week."
"Don’t you mean Walla Walla?"
"No, I didn’t have time to go to both Wallas."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: It all started years ago when I read "The Lord of the Rings." Since then, I've been Tolkien in my sleep.
Over here
Hartland is near the hem of the state. Folks take the road less graveled to get here. The smallest of towns has endless corners. A neighbor winters in Florida. He's a snowbird who drove there. He called to tell me that Florida has a snow removal plan. There’s no snow or removal, but they have a plan. He’s kept the right turn signal on the entire time he has been in The Sunshine State. He does that in case he spots a buffet.
Things found in a nose
I caught my three-year-old grandson picking his nose. His finger was up his olfactory organ because he was pointing at his brain. He's a smart little guy.
I used my hankie to wipe his nose. He had a bat in the cave. A nose goblin. Once I’d freed a trophy-sized booger, I stole his schnozzola.
"I have your nose," I cackled grandfatherly. The nose was my thumb protruding between bent forefinger and middle finger. I have all my grandchildren's noses.
Later, I stole a snowman’s nose. It’s a jewel. One carrot.
I paused in my snoot-stealing endeavors to ponder upon our winter. I had time for that because of Parkinson’s Law that says, "Work expands to fill the time available for its completion." My records show that 90 percent of my work takes 90 percent of my time and the other 10 percent of my work takes 90 percent of my time.
I thought about the lack of snowmen that I’d seen this year. I miss observing the artistry and imagination they present. I questioned parents of young children and they assured me that there’s a plethora of snowmen, but I don’t see them. I was cheering myself up by considering all the snow I hadn’t shoveled, when the phone rang. The phone always rings when a fellow is getting some work done. The caller was interested in hiring me to lead tours. He said one excursion would be during the "off-season." I live in Minnesota, where the weather is always off-season.
The knot was tied
My wife and I were married at the Congregational Church in New Richland. Reverend Fick officiated at our wedding. When he said, "If anyone can show just cause why these two should not be joined together in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace," 46 of my bride’s relatives raised their hands. He ignored them. I liked him. He told me about his early years of wedded bliss. A devoted pipe smoker, he had a number of pipes in his smoking rotation. Like all good pipe smokers, he had just the right amounts of caked ash in each bowl to enhance his puffing pleasure. He returned home one day to find his bride smiling like the cat that ate the canary. She’d cleaned his collection of pipes by using a knife to scrape the bowls and gave each pipe a good scrubbing in soapy water.
I asked the pastor if he’d growled.
"No," Reverend Fick replied, "I appreciated her efforts."
Did you know?
George Washington had dentures made from hippopotamus tusks that were designed to fit over his one remaining tooth.
Eighty-two percent of Americans 35 and older consider themselves positive thinkers according to a Gallup survey.
Johnson is the most common surname in Minnesota, Iowa, and Wisconsin. It’s second in the U.S. behind Smith. Williams is third.
Nature notes
Robins bathe in ponds, mud puddles, small streams, melted snow, and birdbaths — often waiting in line as if they’re picking up prescriptions in a busy drugstore. Robins raise their feathers to allow water to reach skin. Robins have hollow bones, making them too light to submerge, so they splash about. Robins use their bills to preen, which removes dirt and aligns feathers. The robin applies oil obtained from a gland near its tail to its feathers, which leaves them soft and pliable. It takes many short baths rather than one long soak because saturated feathers make flying difficult. Bathing frees the skin of parasites. Clean feathers are good insulation. I can hear a mother robin telling a youngster, “Clean feathers are warm feathers.”
Meeting adjourned
Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I remember the day I was flying all alone in a bush plane near Fairbanks when..."
"You've never been a pilot!"
"Oh. Never mind, then."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: at one time, I was the youngest person in the world.
I’ve learned
Remember all those books you were going to read someday? Start reading, it’s someday.
To give up hopes of ever getting my dream job of delivering mail on Saturdays.
The best gym is outdoors.
The news from Hartland
For those on a budget, lease to own a steak. Eat at the Eat Around It Cafe and forget all your other troubles.
Psychic hit by garbage truck. Her lawyer claims that she didn’t see it coming.
Brawl begins when man waltzes into square dance and orders everyone around.
Have you ever wondered?
Do chickens think something tastes like them?
Is everything written on a legal pad binding?
If people who moved away wonder whatever became of you?
Stories from the road
The weather bullied the temperature to below zero. Our weather is insecure because everyone wants it to be something it isn’t. I don’t know where in Indiana the car had come from, but I was surprised it survived the journey. It was an accident that needed to be reported. The driver confused the accelerator with the turn signal. He must have copied off the guy next to him during his driving test.
Steve Overgaard of Albert Lea told me that his friend Roger had gotten his truck stuck. A farmer came by with his tractor and freed Roger's pickup. In the process, the tractor became stuck. Roger used his truck to extricate the tractor.
"How much do I owe you?" asked Roger.
"Nothing," replied the farmer.
Roger thanked the farmer and told him that he needed $20 for pulling the tractor out.
Stories from the road redux
I was going to drive there, but I said to myself, "No, I don’t have a car."
That was how I came to be a passenger in the car of a stranger kind enough to pick me up from an airport and drive an hour to my hotel. It was a snazzy minivan with a ceiling-mounted DVD player. The screens showed videos to entertain kids in the backseat. Times change. I grew up being entertained by a coloring book.
I played the part of a good passenger. I pointed out cows. I talked about the weather. My father said that if we didn't talk about the weather, we wouldn't have anything to talk about.
I thought about an old neighbor named Claude Bias who bought a nice Buick. The first thing Claude did was to remove the backseat so that he could haul things with it. He wanted a Buick pickup.
Bernie Scherger of Dodge Center told me that when he started farming, he didn’t own a pickup. When he bought three calves, he tore the backseat out of his car and put the young bovines in it. Make do or do without. He met a highway patrolman. Fortunately, all the police officer did was to give Bernie the look — twice.
Did you know?
George Washington’s favorite foods were cream of peanut soup, mashed sweet potatoes with coconut, salted cod, string beans with mushrooms, and pineapples.
In Finland, youngsters don’t start formal education until age 7 (the Finns value the role of play), have minimal homework, and little standardized testing. Yet they score at or near the top of a well-respected international test in math, science, and reading.
March either "comes in like a lion and out like a lamb" or "in like a lamb and out like a lion" about 14 percent of the time. March 1 is the start of meteorological spring.
Nature notes
"Are there more raccoons than ever before?" I can’t remember ever before. I see more raccoons with each passing year. I get calls and e-mails from people experiencing the same thing. Research shows that raccoon populations are rising dramatically within cities. The abundance of food is a major factor in raccoons becoming city slickers. Raccoons are omnivores and eat about anything. A garbage can is a fast food restaurant to a raccoon. They thrive in cities where their major predator is the automobile. One study found there were 50 times as many raccoons living in the city of Toronto than in an equal area of surrounding countryside.
NRAFS’s Groove For Food
Thank you. You know who you are.
Meeting adjourned
It’s a give-and-take world. Give as much as you take by being kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"My name is Bob T. Johnson."
"It’s nice to meet you. What is the T for?"
"To keep me awake."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: the best thing about mental telepathy is, well, you know.
I've learned
The meaning of most dreams is that you are sleeping.
Being willing to work hard is a talent.
If everything were legal, there would be no crime.
The news from Hartland
The same things happen in Hartland as they do elsewhere, just not as often.
Roofer, Lee King, has a weekly special. This week, shingles are on the house.
Bertha DeBlues Music Store sells its soul music for money.
Hold out your hand when entering Grease World. That cafe saves you money by eliminating plates.
Seeing the world through glasses
George Carlin said, "Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big."
My mother saw a glass as half-full. My father saw it as half-empty. He had to. He was a farmer. He believed Dwight Eisenhower who said, "Farming looks easy when your plow is a pencil and you're a thousand miles from a cornfield." As a boy, I looked at my glass of Tang (it’s what the astronauts drank) as it spilled. I looked at an empty glass and thought of it as diet water.
The way my parents looked at a glass carried over to other things. Mom and Dad talked things over at the kitchen table. Dad brought the numbers. Mom operated in the visceral aren — instinct and feelings. Woman’s intuition. They shared the decision-making process. Dad was the "no" part.
At night, back in the day
It was an AM radio, but it worked in the PM, too. Many local stations went off the air or cut power at night, making room for powerful stations from afar. I took my beloved GE transistor radio to bed each night and used an earphone to listen to distant stations. It was magic. I remember hearing a Los Angeles station and wanting to cry out, "LA!" but I didn’t dare. I was supposed to be sleeping. Sometimes I’d listen to basketball games played by people I couldn’t even picture.
I watched a girls’ basketball game recently. I could see all the players. I knew some. It was a good game. The score was close. A young woman seated to my left, looked up from her cellphone long enough to yell, "Travel!"
Then she realized that the one with the ball was a member of the team for which she was cheering. Undaunted, she said, "I meant, 'Dribble!'"
Did you know?
Singer Don McLean (famed for singing "American Pie") was fined $400 for cruising through a 15 mph school zone in Maine at 43 mph. He wasn’t driving his Chevy to the levee. He was driving a Chrysler.
About 60 percent of the material piled on your desk and around 80 percent of your files could be safely tossed, according to "Time Management for Dummies."
In 1967, Dustin Hoffman was in the movie "The Graduate." He played the character of Benjamin Braddock, who had returned home after graduating from college. Uncertain about his future, he was seduced by Mrs. Robinson, the wife of his father's business partner. She seemed to be a much older woman. Hoffman was 30 years old in real life. Anne Bancroft, who played Mrs. Robinson, was 36.
George Washington's inaugural address was the shortest inaugural address in U.S. history. It was 133 words long.
Customer comments
Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario wrote, "I was talking to a friend who was trying to quit smoking. I asked how he was doing, he replied, 'I only smoke once in a while and never in between.'"
Nature notes
Cottontail rabbits mate from February through August, acting as if they are dancing when the urge hits. Females make a nest by scraping a shallow depression in the ground and lining it with grass and fur. Three to six young are born naked, blind, weighing about an ounce, and measuring four inches after a 28-32 day gestation period. They grow rapidly. At five weeks of age, they are weaned and independent. They are mature at four months. There might be four litters a year. Due to many predators, only about 1 percent of rabbits reach 2 years of age. Rabbits have territories of five acres or less and are capable of running 18 mph.
Meeting adjourned
Be happy. Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I won a vacation package on a raffle. Five nights in Idaho."
"Five nights. No days?"
"Nope, just nights."
"What will you do during the day?"
"Anything I want, as long as I don’t do it in Idaho."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: it’s a blizzard if the only vehicles I see go by are a snowplow and a tow truck.
I’ve learned
New car shows are a preview of used car lots.
The price of a hat isn’t a measure of the brain.
It’s O.K. to be in a rut if you enjoy being there.
The schadenfreude season
I returned the call to his landline.
He answered. Then there was racket. A din. A tumult.
The odd sounds ended when he came back on the line and said, "I dropped the phone."
He wouldn’t have had to tell me.
He described the winter storm at his New Hampshire home. He had Minnesota in his backyard.
I thought about the old song by the Turtles that contained the line, "So happy together. How is the weather?"
We always get more winter than we figured on, even during mild years. Winter is gum on the bottom of a shoe. Every year, people ask, "Can you believe this weather?"
We answer, "Yes!"
We get so much ice, that a polar bear rented the old Peterson house. Storm predictions induce panic buying of toilet paper and bread. Some folks flee south until it blows over.
Because of all the winter we get, we might not feel as sympathetic as we should when winter storms hit elsewhere. There is a German word "schadenfreude" (shädn-froid) that means a pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.
Funeral potatoes
A friend told me that he had a high school reunion coming up. There is a shadow on the day. He graduated from a school that no longer exists. We miss the old schools with the study halls that were experiments in sleep-learning.
In "Big Yellow Taxi," Joni Mitchell sang, "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got, till it's gone, they paved paradise, and put up a parking lot."
I think of that song when attending funerals. I should have visited the deceased more. Been nicer.
The meal after the funeral helps. When I was a boy, I hoped it would be "funeral potatoes" — scalloped potatoes and ham. It’s oddly comforting to listen to a friend say, while ingesting a fourth helping of funeral potatoes, "I like funerals. There is one less person to judge me."
Mule Lake memories
I grew up on the shores of Mule Lake. You might be from Mule Lake if you can pickle that. You’ve been used as a soccer ball by a cow. You’ve experienced enough blizzards to hold you. You know it will always rain because no one in your family has ever died of thirst. You know that it’s possible to drive without talking on a cellphone. You have had a farmer sunburn.
Did you know?
Each dashed line on the highway measures 10 feet and the empty spaces between the lines measure 30 feet. Every time a car passes a line, the car has traveled 40 feet. At 55 mph, a car is traveling 80.66 feet per second, which means that two white strips slip by every second.
Speeding tickets in Finland are calculated according to the driver’s income.
Customer comments
Danny Trolen of Clarks Grove joked that he was having a good day because he’d just finished washing last month's dirty dishes. Things have a tendency to pile up on us. An aunt claimed a ghost left dirty dishes in her sink because she couldn’t have produced that many. On a recent chilly morning, I stepped out onto the deck and it moaned as if it were haunted. Houses make many sounds due to wind and plumbing. That leads me to believe that all houses are males.
Nature notes
"Why are all the birds I see perched on utility wires facing the same direction?” Birds fly and land into the wind. This provides them with maximum lift and control in flight. Birds find it easier taking off and landing when facing the wind. Facing another direction would ruffle their feathers. A streamlined profile stabilizes them. Facing the same direction makes it easier to communicate. If the wind dies, the birds might face different directions.
Meeting adjourned
Kindness is like soap. It does no good unless it’s used.
More...
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I kept getting lost, so I bought a GPS."
"Did that help?"
"No, I lost the GPS."
I’ve learned
Age isn’t just a number. It’s a word.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most of us.
Most one-horse towns don’t have any.
The news from Hartland
Podiatrist, William the Corncurer, claims that time wounds all heels.
Upchuck and Ralph’s Bakery says to eat cake because it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere.
Conan the librarian explains that books filled with blank pages are out of print.
Ask Al
"What is your favorite rock group?" Mount Rushmore.
"Do you sleep in your socks?" No, the bed is more comfortable.
"Why do parents wash their children’s mouths out with soap?" They’re too cheap to buy toothpaste.
Ferry tales
I was on a ferry leaving Juneau, Alaska on a voyage to Haines. Another traveler smiled at the mountains and told me that he’d moved to Alaska from the United States.
Glimpses of birds riding the wind, whales, and sea lions delighted me. The vastness of Alaska was apparent.
On a cold, wintry day in our largest state, I considered the vastness of losses suffered by the Minnesota Twins last season. Their record was 66-96. They should maintain their wins and losses in Roman numerals. A record of LXVI-XCVI sounds better.
February
February comes in like January and leaves like March. A groundhog peeks out of his burrow and sees a mere shadow of his former self or refuses to see what he has become. If he sees his shadow, we get six more weeks of winter. If the woodchuck doesn’t see his shadow, spring begins in six weeks.
I stopped at a cemetery. The snow crunched under my shoes. A loud car drove by. If the road has a thick layer of fresh snow, sound waves are absorbed at the surface. That tends to muffle traffic noises. The snow’s surface smoothens and hardens with age and wind’s influence. Then the surface reflects sound waves, making them clearer and travel farther. When I stepped on the snow, the downward pressure snapped the bonds between snow crystals. The crystals rubbed against others, creating brief oscillations, which produced sound. If the snow isn’t as cold, the snow grains yield too easily because the bonds are weaker. I was taught that if it’s colder than about 14 degrees, snow crunches. If it’s warmer, it usually doesn’t. I crunched my way to a gravesite, a place where the past and the present meet. I shed a tear. That’s not easy for a man who grew up in a time in which men cried only in the rain.
Another fellow was at the cemetery as I paid my respects. He pointed at his older brother’s gravestone and said, "He had his kick at the can."
I guess that’s all that February wants.
Ain’t
There are absolutes. Things that I know are true. Such as, always trust what those on high-fiber diets say. They don’t have the time to lie. Another is that when I was a boy and used the word "ain’t," the weight of the word world fell upon me. They accused me of using a word that didn’t exist. Girl jump-ropers chanted, "Don’t say ain’t, your mother will faint, your father will step in a bucket of paint, because there ain’t no such word as ain’t."
A friend, whenever chastised for saying "ain’t," replied, "Because I don’t say it, don’t mean I ain’t thinking it."
He had no answer when his mother told him that bad words made his breath smell.
Did you know?
An R.L. Polk study of the auto industry found that 48% of people buy cars of the same brand they had been driving. The brands with the most loyal customers were Ford with 61.2% repeat buyers, Mercedes-Benz (57.7%) and Toyota (54.4%).
Each day, we breathe about 23,040 times and move 438 cubic feet of air. It takes about five seconds to breathe — two seconds to inhale and three seconds to exhale.
Here’s looking at you
Each year, I give binoculars to a student who had demonstrated an interest in nature. This year, it was my great pleasure to present a pair of new Nikon binoculars to Nathan Wallin of Hartland. I hope he sees everything that he’s looking for.
Nature notes
“What kind of squirrel is a black squirrel?” It’s a melanistic version of the eastern gray squirrel. Black squirrels can exist wherever grey squirrels live. Melanism is an undue development of dark-colored pigment. Grey pairs may produce black offspring. Black squirrels appear to have been dominant throughout North America prior to the arrival of Europeans, since the dark color helped them hide in dense forests that tended to be shaded. Hunting and deforestation led to biological advantages for grey squirrels. Black squirrels have an increased cold tolerance because they lose less heat than grey ones.
Meeting adjourned
Kindness provides sunshine on a cloudy day.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"It feels as if this is last year."
"That’s because you didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions. Mine is to stop putting my foot in my mouth. I’ll bet yours is to lose 100 pounds."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I remember when I knew more than my phone.
I’ve learned
It’s not difficult to be overdressed.
Honesty is the best policy — unless you want to be elected.
The Mayans taught us that a calendar isn’t the end of the world.
It’s the cold and flu sneezin’
My son recovered from the flu, but claims to have dirt under his fingernails from clawing his way from the grave.
I was heartened to see his miraculous recovery. I remember boarding one of those "Get in, sit down, shut up, and hold on" buses. It was overcrowded. I stood next to an older woman on the bouncing vehicle. As the blocks passed slowly, I noticed a young man, seated, with his eyes closed. "Are you O.K.?" I asked. "Are you ill?”
"No, I’m O.K.," he replied. "I just hate to see an old lady have to stand."
The cafe chronicles
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. That’s when retired guys decide whether to go back to bed or not. The rest of us talk about what kind of jobs we want after we retire. The retired lot claimed that getting older is a walk in the park. One of those parks where no one picks up after their dogs. We talked of hybrid cars we’d owned that ran on gasoline and prayers.
Unrelated dog tales
I spoke in Indianapolis and met a man covered in leather. So much leather that the Hoosier State must be devoid of cows. He wore only one glove. Either he’d lost one or it was a very narrow cold front. He held a tiny dog. It was a miniature Doberman pinscher. I asked him, "How much smaller will it get?"
I watched another man walk on the ice of a Minnesota lake. The man looked cold. He moved with the shuffle of one tormented by a brisk wind. I watched a dog run to the man. The happy hound bounded about, wagging its tail. The dog didn’t want to be the man. Dogs are great companions because they are happy being a dog.
Did you know?
A Public Policy Polling survey showed that Congress is less popular than head lice, cockroaches, Donald Trump, root canals, traffic jams, brussels sprouts, and colonoscopies. It is more popular than John Edwards, the Kardashians, telemarketers, and Lindsay Lohan.
Customer comments
Brad Edwin of Albert Lea told me that a hockey game had been canceled because of ice.
Rich Murray of Albert Lea passed along good advice to a family member. "Why am I working harder to resolve your situation than you are?"
Tom Stockwell of Burnsville told me that his dream is to have the lightbulb concession in Las Vegas.
Tom Benson of Hartland told me that there is a city in Faribault County that is so cold, it says "Frost" on its water tower.
I asked Don Lau of Glenville if he goes south for the winter. Don lives in Minnesota not far from the Iowa border. He told me that he had driven south a few times, but if the weather was no better by the time he got to Kensett, Iowa, Don turned around and went home.
TGIF
Thank Goodness It’s February. My wife’s birthday is in February. I struggle to find suitable gifts. One year, we rode in the basket of a hot air balloon over a desert in Arizona. We did that so we could see what a desert in Arizona looked like from the basket of a hot air balloon. The flight was amazing. There was little sound. Landing was a drag. We landed in the desert and the basket, including us, was dragged for quite a distance. I don’t think it was a record, but it was memorable. Happy birthday, honey.
Nature notes
Shirley Gunderson of Albert Lea saw a bald eagle being mobbed by black-capped chickadees while it was perched in a tree. It presented a bizarre scene. The bald eagle was about 500 times the size of a chickadee. Why do birds mob raptors? Mobbing is a collective response to danger. The chickadees were either trying to drive off the eagle or calling attention to its presence.
Meeting adjourned
When patience ends, let kindness hold.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"So you’re remodeling the house, eh?"
"Do you think I could put the wallpaper on myself?"
"I’m sure you could, but it would look better on the walls."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I shouldn’t worry. I can’t do everything wrong at the same time.
I’ve learned
If criticism had any power, skunks would be extinct.
When the game ends, the king and the pawn go into the same box.
Airplanes should load window seat passengers first instead of loading by rows.
The news from Hartland
Lindsay Lohan, the Kardashians, and Donald Trump were not seen in Hartland during the past week.
Employee injured while putting up "Safety first" sign sues for damages due to irony.
A pile of discarded toilets proves to be an ancient goldfish burial ground.
New Year’s resolutions
How are you doing on those promises you made to yourself? Are you one of those who couldn’t resolve your way out of a wet paper bag? I believe in setting goals, but I don’t make New Year’s resolutions.
The last one I made was to juggle three chainsaws. I came close. I juggled three instruction manuals for chainsaws.
Craig Ferguson said, "Resolutions just set you up for failure. My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted dos weekos."
Jimmy Kimmel joked, "My New Year's resolution this year was to get a gym membership, use it twice, and then never use it again. I'm already halfway there."
Oscar Wilde wrote, "Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account."
My neighbor Weasel told me that he'd resolved to inhale, exhale, and blink. Steve Goodier wrote that he has a lot in common with a wooden pencil. He has an eraser to correct mistakes and does better if he were sharpened occasionally.
I told Weasel that he should resolve to be more like a pencil. He erased my suggestion.
The cafe chronicles
The table of infinite knowledge was filled with lip flappers of some renown. It was a place to enjoy the breeze. It’s hard to believe that in school, these guys chanted that silent mantra, "Please don’t call on me." They don’t need to be called upon to offer their perspectives today. They don’t raise their hands to say, "How many angels can dance on your head?" They can forget, but still remember. Some keep ancient phone books to refresh their memories. One kibitzer wondered when cars stopped being do-it-yourself projects and eliminated hand-cranked windows. None could remember their junior high school locker combinations. They have little memory of the periodic chart of the elements. What they remember are things said in hospital rooms.
A peregrination
My wife and I attended the Cancer Auction held in Geneva. Whitey Hagen and the others make donating a jollification. On the way there, we drove by a 430,000-bushel grain bin owned by a couple of fine fellows who were brothers even before they were farmers. I drive by it often. I call it Big Bin. It’s no Big Ben, but thanks to it and Geneva, I can imagine I’m driving from London to Switzerland.
From over there
I stood next to a 17,400-pound ball of twine. The 12-foot diameter ball was in Darwin, Minnesota and it’s claimed to be the world’s largest twine ball rolled by one man. Francis A. Johnson rolled twine for 4 hours a day for 29 years. We had a rope-making machine on the farm that allowed me to turn baling twine into rope. I didn’t do that for 4 hours a day for 29 years. If I had, I might have an exceedingly long rope for people to come to see after they’d been to Darwin. Weird Al Yankovic might have sung about it.
Did you know?
A University of California-Santa Barbara study found that our minds wander at least 30% of the time while we do routine tasks and as high as 70% when we drive an uncrowded highway. Research showed that people whose minds wander often are more creative and are better problem solvers.
Nature notes
“Do crows mate for life?” Unless a mate dies or is incapacitated, crows seem to stay with the same mate year after year. There are exceptions. If a young pair bred unsuccessfully, they might break the pair bond. Only the female incubates the eggs.
Meeting adjourned
The true test of manners is to meet bad ones with good ones. Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I’m worried."
"What are you worried about?"
"My wife left a message telling me not to get the items she told me to pick up and I can’t remember what items I shouldn’t get."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: the best parts of storms are the stories.
I’ve learned
1. Calendars are half-off now. Mayan calendars are way off.
2. When you make a mental note, make two copies.
3. Help wanted signs in fast food restaurants indicate a strong economy.
The news from Hartland
Mallard induckted into Waterfowl Hall of Fame.
Photos of the winners of past cat and dog shows line the walls of city hall. It’s reigning cats and dogs there.
Local business changes name to "Building for rent."
Mr. Fix-It
A friend made 32 wallets out of duct tape. I think he plans to win the lottery. I’ve never been good at making anything other than a mess.
I thought about that as I put on work gloves. Doing maintenance or repairs outside in January makes things interesting. The cold slows a job so much that it makes me rush.
I paused to think about the glove compartment of my car. I keep many things in there, but it never holds gloves.
My father and my brother Donald excelled in fixing things. I know they’d learned those skills, but their abilities seemed inborn. My job, when helping them, was to hold the light.
I put on the gloves and boldly went where I had gone before.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
It was a time of the year when we prepared for the future. Produce was stored for winter. I heard, "One potater, two for later." I had a difficult time gathering eggs. The hen fruit kept moving out of my reach. It was a case of restless egg syndrome.
During the time when I hung out with Wally, Eddie, and Lumpy, the hottest spice found in our home was catsup. A minister I met when I spoke in Texas was fond of his homemade hot sauce. He loved the stuff so much that he carried a bottle with him. He offered me a spoonful. I took it. When I was once again able to form words, I managed to gasp, "I've heard ministers preach hellfire, but you’re the first one I've met who passed out samples!"
Did you know?
"Chugwagon” was once a popular U.S. slang for an automobile.
According to a survey by Georgia-Pacific, 31% of people make their toilet paper into a "snowball" and 28% fold it into squares.
Customer comments
Kathy Paulsen of Geneva sent this, "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
Nature notes
Paul Schwab of Owatonna writes about a hawk looking for a meal and becoming a meal, "A hawk flew by our feeders, scattering birds. Unfortunately, one hit the window. I thought I'd go out and put it in the recovery bag. The hawk came back, picked it up, and flew away. I think it was a goldfinch and a sharp-shinned hawk. The next morning, I looked out and a Cooper’s hawk (juvenile, the eyes were yellow) had captured a sizable victim. Got the binoculars and it had taken a sharp-shinned hawk. It could not fly away with it. It plucked away feathers and began feeding on it. In three more attempts to fly, it only covered thirty feet. Finally, the Cooper’s hawk did get the sharp-shinned hawk airborne. Do they come back and eat more of a large prey or not? Or do they just leave when full and kill again when hungry?" The answer is "yes" to both questions. It depends upon the hawk, its needs, and whether it feels secure in that location. These two hawks are difficult to tell apart. A sharp-shinned hawk has sharp corners on the tip of its tail. The tip of the Cooper's hawk’s tail is more rounded like the letters in Cooper’s. The Cooper’s is built like a football player, with a thick, tubular body with a low center of gravity. The sharpie has a broad chest and narrow hips like a cross country runner. The sharpie’s eyes appear about halfway between the front and back of head. A Coop’s eyes appear to be closer to the front of the head. To me this makes the sharp-shinned look cute, the Coop fierce.
Meeting adjourned
W. Jaynee Carolus of Lewiston, PA sent this, "Kindness is just the tip of the niceberg."