Compostings (267)
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I have a cold."
"I hope you’re taking care of it."
"I am. I’ve had it for five days and it’s still as good as new."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: when you are seeing red, it’s hard to notice when the light changes.
I've learned
1. Waiting until it’s nearly empty before filling a fuel tank is called progastination.
2. Walnuts come from broken homes.
3. To err is human, to arr is pirate.
The news from Hartland
Heat goes off in Hacker’s Smoke Shop, leaving the owner with frozen pipes.
Police believe that the woman who has been using knitting needles to stab people’s posteriors is working from a pattern.
Buffalo ranch closes. Roaming charges were became too high.
In awe of Alberta
I spoke in Red Deer. I went to Banff without knowing how to Banff. I talked to real cowboys. They didn't twang a guitar and sing depressing songs. They worked with cows. They did a lot of herd work.
The three stages of man
1. How is the mother?
2. What a lovely bride.
3. How much did he leave her?
Cafe chronicles
I was having lunch with Gary Crumb of Matawan at the Village Inn. After we finished eating, Gary said, "It’s already Tuesday. I'd just as well take the rest of the week off."
My mother said something similar. "Here it is Monday already. Tomorrow will be Tuesday. The day after is Wednesday. Then it’s Thursday, followed by Friday. The week is almost over and I haven’t done a thing."
A friend says, "Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, good night," in case he doesn’t see the person he is greeting again that day.
It’s a beautiful world if we take the time to look
I watched the sunset over Vern Eide Chevrolet while I manned a Salvation Army kettle. It was beautiful. It’s nice to enjoy the sun instead of racing it. The world is a postcard. Not long before, I’d stopped at the 33 Mile Roadhouse on the Haines Highway. This home of the Super 33 Burger offers the last gas, propane, and cigarettes in the United States. Some people think Alaska is so cold that new colors were added to the weather map to cover it. Others imagine that shoveling snow there is a Sisyphean effort. Alaska was once an imaginary place to me. I’d uncorked a bottle of Alaskan dreams with an insatiable appetite for the written word. I’d read my way there — books by John Muir, Jack London, Robert Service, Joe McGinniss, and others.
Years ago, I went to Alaska for the first time. I keep going back. I like going where baked Alaska is called "baked here."
"Alaska?" one of you is saying. "They eat whale meat and blubber there."
You’d blubber, too, if you had to eat whale meat.
Did you know?
According to a survey done by Harris Interactive for Everest College, 73% of workers are stressed at work. The most stressful jobs, according to a survey by CareerCast.com, are in order: 1). Enlisted military personnel 2). Military general 3). Firefighter 4). Commercial airline pilot 5). Public relations executive 6). Senior corporate executive 7). Photojournalist 8). Newspaper reporter 9).Taxi driver 10). Police officer. The least stressful job is a college professor.
Texas tales
Over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house we go. As soon as we leave, Grandma is on her way to Texas where winter coats are as scarce as rocking horse manure.
"Trespassers: If you hear a shot, it means I missed — this time."
That’s a sign I saw in the Lone Star State, alongside a FM road, indicating "Farm to Market." Freddy Fender's image is on the water tower in San Benito. Freddy sang the hits "Before the Next Teardrop Falls" and "Wasted Days and Wasted Nights." Mesquite trees abound as a testament to their toughness. When the world ends, cockroaches and mesquite trees will survive.
Roy Bean was appointed justice of the peace for Pecos County in 1882. He settled at Eagle's Nest Springs, which acquired a post office and a new name, Langtry, in honor of the English actress Lillie Langtry, whom Bean admired. Bean became known as an eccentric interpreter of the law. When a man carrying $40 and a pistol fell off a bridge, Bean fined the corpse $40 for carrying a concealed weapon. Although known as "The Hanging Judge," there’s no evidence that Bean ever hanged anyone.
Meeting adjourned
Be kind. Just because.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I can’t wait until the weekend gets here."
"Do you have big plans?"
"Yeah, to make it to Monday."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if you like where you’re at, you ought to appreciate the road that brought you there.
I’ve learned
1. You’re getting older if it feels good to stop, no matter what you’re doing.
2. Whenever my wife asks, "What do you think?" I think I should have been listening.
3. To brag about those you love and make sure they overhear you.
The news from Hartland
Hartland Air & Space Museum found to be completely empty.
Truck carrying boxes of contact lenses overturns on highway. The search for lost contacts continues into its third week.
Duct tapeworms concern St. Menard’s Hardware.
The secret to a long marriage
The woman smiled at me and said, "I’m doing great, just in case you ask." Then with a nod toward her husband, she added, "We’ve been married 60 years."
"Nice going," I responded. "What’s your secret?"
"I never throw anything away."
Cafe chronicles
I saw gravy spots before my eyes as I headed for the table of infinite knowledge where geezers were gabbing. The guys had young ideas, but their hearts belonged to dodder. They were still playing with a full deck, just shuffling slower while trying to be nostalgic, but not always remembering. The men wouldn’t recognize a single photo in People magazine and they gained weight just looking at pie. I felt at home.
Customer comments
Jessica Hollerich of Amboy told me that she’d scolded her three-year-old daughter Isabel for repeatedly jumping off a chair and told her not to do it again. Isabel replied, "I’m going to jump off the chair one more time. Pretend you don’t see me."
Rodney Hatle of Owatonna sent this quote from Sam Levenson, "Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it."
Al Weisert walked by as I manned the Salvation Army kettle at the Albert Lea Hy-Vee store. He was carrying a mop. I asked, "Spill?" He replied, "I like to get it before it spills." That’s being proactive.
I asked Bryan Willmert of Albert Lea how the van he was driving got a broken back window. He told me that a coworker believed in the old saying, "Keep backing up until you hit something solid."
Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario said that the chances of hitting a deer while driving are much higher than while walking.
Did you know?
According to The Pew Forum's U.S. Religious Landscape Survey 71% have a strong belief in God, 17% are fairly certain there is a God, and 4% believe there is a possibility God exists. About 58% pray daily.
According to a report from the Centers for Disease Control, 51.7% of American households don’t regularly use a landline phone. The majority of those (35.8%) don’t have a landline and another 15.9% don’t often use one.
A group of baboons is called a congress.
An American Kennel Club survey showed that over 70% of American dog owners gave their pets Christmas gifts.
The Wall Street Journal reported that 40% of a basic cable bill goes towards sports programming.
About 6% of people keep their Christmas lights up more than six months.
The Smithsonian Institution houses the puffy shirt worn by Jerry Seinfeld in his TV series. It’s enshrined next to Mr. Rogers' sweater.
The average Iowa farmland value is estimated to be $8,296 per acre, according the Iowa Land Value Survey.
Nature notes
"Am I seeing a golden eagle or young bald eagle on the lake?" Golden eagles are not great fish eaters, so you’re not likely to see one swooping low over a lake, resting on the ice, or standing on a sand bar in a river. Golden eagles have feathered legs. Young goldens often have white patches under the wings and at the base of the tail, but lack the white mottling of a young bald eagle’s body.
In gratitude
I enjoy the smell of freshly sharpened pencils and freshly charged iPads. My thanks to all the 8th-grade students in Mr. Domeier's English classes at NRHEG who allowed me to be part of their day.
Talking to the Holstein
I was talking to the Holstein the other day. The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. I asked her how cows could eat so much.
The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, "It’s the way we’re built. Haven’t you ever heard of graze anatomy?"
Meeting adjourned
Roger Batt of Algona sent me this Ralph Waldo Emerson quote, "You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late."
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"Knock, knock."
"Who’s there?"
"The doorbell repairman."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Chewbacca made a lot of Wookiee mistakes.
The news from Hartland
The Eat Around It Cafe offers a Too Much Information booth where people can talk about their most recent medical procedures.
The Lucky Charms leprechaun tells police that everyone is after his Social Security check.
CSI Hartland discovers that the mime really was trapped in an invisible box.
Hartland’s walk/don’t walk lights become coin-operated.
Christmas past
My nephew Neal Batt got a Magic 8-Ball for Christmas. He’ll never need to make another decision. He’ll rely on the Magic 8-Ball’s advice that says one of the following: As I see it, yes. It is certain. It is decidedly so. Most likely. Outlook good. Signs point to yes. Without a doubt. Yes. Yes–definitely. You may rely on it. Reply hazy, try again. Ask again later. Better not tell you now. Cannot predict now. Concentrate and ask again. Don't count on it. My reply is no. My sources say no. Outlook not so good. Very doubtful.
Contrary to my popular belief, there is no, "What are you looking at?" Ten of the answers are affirmative, five are negative, and five are unrevealing. Who knows, maybe the device is the secret to Warren Buffet’s success.
My three-year-old grandson Crosby was acting his age when it came time to open Christmas presents. Some suggested he was being a pain in the posterior. His grandmother, The Queen B, warned him that if he didn't shape up, he’d be the last one to open presents. Crosby replied instantly, "I like being last."
Basketball diaries
I watched my granddaughter Joey play ball. Her team was shutting out its opponent. I’ve seen many fastpitch softball games and a shutout isn’t that unusual. What made it odd was that it was a basketball game. The score was New Ulm a lot, the Sleepy Eye contingent nothing. As the final seconds ticked off the clock, a player from Sleepy Eye heaved the ball from well past midcourt. It swished as the final buzzer sounded. A three-pointer. Everyone cheered.
Deb Kenison of Ellendale told me that when her father played high school basketball for Emmons, he and a friend were caught smoking cigarettes. Both boys were booted from the team. A problem soon arose. Being a small school, Emmons didn’t have enough players to field a team without the smokers. The coach went to Deb's father to ask him to rejoin the varsity. He was hesitant, but agreed to return if the coach bought him a pair of basketball shoes. Deb's father became a rare individual — a high school basketball player with a shoe contract.
Talking Texas
I spoke in the Rio Grande Valley and visited Mission, Texas. My mother, who knew nothing about football, liked the Dallas Cowboys because of their coach, Tom Landry. She liked his hat. A mural on a building located, oddly enough, on Tom Landry Drive, is a tribute to Landry. It portrays Landry’s years as a player with the New York Giants and as a coach of the Cowboys. Don Perkins, Don Meredith, Danny White, Ed LeBaron, Craig Morton, and Too Tall Jones are players depicted in the mural. It illustrates Landry on the shoulders of Rayfield Wright after a Super Bowl victory. It shows his involvement with the Fellowship of Christian Athletes and ends with his induction into the Football Hall of Fame. Mom would have smiled at the images of that fedora.
A winter day in the RGV offered an outside temperature warmer than that in my bedroom at home. Sandra Skrei of Cedar Creek moved to Texas from the Midwest to teach. She told one of the students in her first class that he was on thin ice. The boy, who had lived his entire life in the RGV, had no idea what his teacher was talking about.
Nature notes
"What are the chances of hitting a deer while driving?" Much better than winning the lottery. According to State Farm Insurance, your greatest chance of bumping into Bambi with a Buick is in West Virginia — 1 in 40. South Dakota drivers are second at 1 in 68, Iowa third — 1 in 71.9, Michigan — 1 in 72.4, and Pennsylvania fifth at 1 in 76. Wisconsin ranked 7th at 1 in 79 and Minnesota with a 1 in 80 chance of hitting a deer with a vehicle was 8th.
Meeting adjourned
Wherever there’s another living thing, there’s an opportunity for kindness.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"What did your brother say when you told him that you wrecked his car?"
"Should I leave out the profanity?"
"Yes, please."
"Then he didn’t say anything."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I recalled the words of Maria Amparo Ruiz de Burton, "Let us cry for the spilt milk, by all means, if by doing so we learn how to avoid spilling any more. Let us cry for the spilt milk, and remember how, and where, and why, we spilt it. Much wisdom is learnt through tears, but none by forgetting our lessons."
I've learned
1. That six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.
2. That someone who doesn’t believe in horses is a neightheist.
3. Operators are sitting by.
The news from Hartland
Loafer’s Shoe Store sells its insoles to the devil.
Instant Karma Cafe serves the fast food you deserve.
Custer’s Last Tan opens for business in Two Bits.
Moses Olson leads his family to the dessert.
City erects "One way or another" road signs.
The long goodbye
I attended Katherine Knudson's wedding reception. Kat married a nice fellow named Noah. It was his reception, too, but probably more hers than his. It was a fine jollification. We should have more like it. There was no deafening music played, which made it possible to visit with friends and relatives. When the time to leave came, folks staggered about like goodbye zombies. Ona Meyer of Hartland, who left a half-dozen times, said that Minnesota goodbyes take forever. Much of my family lives in Iowa. The goodbyes are stretched there, too. We are people who are good at nearly making it out the door. W. Clement Stone said, "Big doors swing on little hinges." They sometimes refuse to swing at all due to small words or recollections. The Beatles sang, "You say goodbye, and I say hello." They were right. We tend to stand near the door, not wanting to leave, but knowing we must. Door goodbyes do go on.
Happy New Year
Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario writes, "In our throw away, use it once society we discard years for no apparent reason. Good thing they don't go to the landfill."
The twelve months by George Ellis
"Snowy, flowy, blowy, showery, flowery, bowery, hoppy, croppy, droppy, weezy, sneezy, freezy."
Did you know?
This from The Wall Street Journal, "In June, the Mayo Clinic published a comprehensive study of every known hand-washing study done since 1970. The authors concluded that drying skin is essential to staving off bacteria and that paper towels are superior to driers: They're more efficient, they don't spatter germs, they won't dry out hands, and most people prefer them."
A study in BMJ (formerly the British Medical Journal) that was based on the mortality records of 9,889 athletes who competed in the Olympics between 1896 and 1936 showed that engaging in cycling and rowing (high cardiovascular intensity) had no added survival benefit compared with playing golf or cricket (low cardiovascular intensity).
The small pink bump on the inside corner of the eye is called the caruncula. It contains sweat and oil glands that produce rheum, also known as eye crispies, eye snot, or tear rocks.
The web between the thumb and forefinger is called the purlicue. Some claim that pinching it makes a headache go away.
No catnap
I hadn’t been home long. I got to bed late and my body was still operating on a time zone three hours away. I woke because I had that feeling that someone was looking at me. I opened one eye to see a cat staring at me. It could have been staring because it wanted another scratch-off ticket, but I think it was concerned for my well-being. It stared at me because that’s how cats perform CPR. I put food in the cats’ inbox — their food dish. I fill the inbox. The cats fill their outbox (litter box).
Nature notes
"Do birds’ feet freeze?" Most birds don’t suffer frostbite. There is little fluid in the cells of their feet and their circulation is fast enough that blood doesn’t remain in the feet long enough to freeze. In some species, the blood vessels going to and from the feet are close together, which warms the blood. A bird's feet are little more than bone, sinew and scale, but sometimes a bird’s toes will freeze. I’ve seen it in mourning doves.
Meeting adjourned
Mark Twain said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment." Make being kind a New Year’s resolution.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"My Uncle Phil McAvity pulled my tooth."
"Have a toothache?"
"No."
"Bad tooth?"
"No."
"Then why did he pull it?"
"It was my Christmas present."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I should be extremely kind and compassionate to those around me during the Christmas season, because I never know who will be my Secret Santa.
I’ve learned
1. When you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear.
2. Tangled Christmas lights teach us patience and perseverance.
3. A discount Christmas tree drops needles faster than a bad knitter.
4. If you eat so much that you turn green, someone will hang tinsel on you.
5. If you insist on sticking food up your nose, you belong at the kids’ table.
6. Oysters appear just when you think it’s safe to eat stew.
Christmas considerations
Things were quiet. That was no surprise. Most of the people were in China or India. I listened to Simon and Garfunkel sing about a winter’s day in a deep and dark December. Some folks complain that "nice" and "cold" do not belong in the same sentence, but it was nice and cold. Actually, it was nice, cold, windy, snowy, and icy. There must have been an earthquake. Anyone who has ever owned a snowglobe knows that earthquakes cause snowfalls. I wrapped presents. Finding the starting point on a roll of Scotch tape is nearly as great a struggle for me as was shopping for the presents.
A sound of the season
I ring bells for the Salvation Army. It’s a gift I give myself. It feels good to help. As I rang in the grocery store, a stream of shopping carts carrying clementines and cat litter went by. I encouraged folks to buy peanuts in the shell as the store had made a mountain out of a molehill of goober peas. I told shoppers that a shopping cart had been owned by a little old lady who used it only after church on Sunday. I made a Christmas wish on behalf of all clueless shoppers such as me. I wished that products offered in the store were in alphabetical order.
As I rang and spoke to dear hearts and gentle people, a man approached and asked, "Have you seen my wife?"
"No, but I don’t even know your wife," I answered.
"Then how do you know you haven’t seen her?"
Did you know?
Aluminum Christmas trees were first manufactured in 1958.
According to The White House Historical Association, the first White House Christmas tree, decorated with candles and toys, was placed in the second floor oval room in 1889 for President Benjamin Harrison and his family.
Santa Claus is a city in Indiana.
Retail detail
Karen Daniels of Williamsport, Pennsylvania volunteered at the American Bald Eagle Foundation’s gift shop in Haines, Alaska. Karen admits that her skills are better suited for being a greeter than a cashier. She was behind the cash register when a customer purchased a moose poop Christmas ornament produced by Turds R Us. The price on the ornament, which was guaranteed to bring a tear to the eye of a recipient, was $5. Karen rang it up as $5000. That made it the gift shop’s best day ever.
"I don’t think my credit card will cover it," protested the customer.
"Shall we try it and see?" said the ever-helpful Karen.
They didn’t try. Credit cards and moose poop have their limits.
Nature notes
"Where do squirrels sleep in winter?" Gray and fox squirrels sleep in dens and drays. A den, usually a tree cavity, is typically used in winter. The hole is lined with leaves, moss, fur, or feathers. A dray is a basketball-sized nest of leaves and twigs built in the upper branches of a tree. Summer drays may be just a platform. Winter drays are warm and waterproof. Red squirrels sleep in dens and drays, too, but they may den in a log. Gray squirrels mate twice a year, typically from December to February and June through August. Fox squirrels also mate twice a year, usually from December to February and June through July. Red squirrels ordinarily mate once a year in late winter.
"Do any birds eat the red milo that's in some seed mixes?" Yes. Gambel's quail, curve-billed thrashers, and Steller's jays love the stuff. None of those birds are found in Minnesota or Iowa.
Meeting adjourned
May peace and happiness be yours at Christmas and may kindness be your gift to others.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I'm giving you running shoes for Christmas."
"I haven’t run since I missed the bus in the third grade."
"Don’t worry, I'm giving you the receipt, too."
I’ve learned
1. Growing up, the only chef I could name was Chef Boyardee. I still can’t name any others, but now I know they exist.
2. There’s no need to pretend to water my fake plants.
3. Listening is an art most often practiced near a TV.
The news from Hartland
Winemaker stomps maple tree in a failed effort to produce maple syrup.
City holds 2.6-block marathon for underachievers.
Leaning Tower of Pizza promises delivery within a week or the pizza is free.
Did you know?
Chickens refer to death as "crossing the road."
Cough syrup comes from sick maple trees.
Age isn't just a number. It's a word, too.
How to survive a blizzard
1. Buy four days worth of food.
2. Fill your car with gas.
3. Put the food in the car and drive to Arizona.
Ask Al
"Why do snakes shed their skins?" So their younger siblings can wear the hand-me-downs.
"What did you want to be when you got out of high school?" Under 30 years of age.
"Why is your lawn covered with welcome mats?" So the boxelder bugs can wipe their feet before coming into the house.
The funny papers
When I was a small boy, I walked to the mailbox early in the morning to get the Sunday paper, which was gigantic in those days. I carried it into the barn where my father was milking cows. Dad read the comics section to me. I marveled at the exploits of Pogo, Peanuts, Little Iodine, Beetle Bailey, Dennis the Menace, Dick Tracy, Li’l Abner, Bringing up Father (Maggie and Jiggs), Dondi, Steve Canyon, Gasoline Alley, and the others. Comics are so important that Ronald Reagan read them before he read the news. I've written for cartoonists for umpteen years and I think that’s because of my father's sharing. I love the comics.
Ringing the bells
I ring the bells for the Salvation Army each year. I cannot bring about world peace, but I can provide tintinnabulation. Volunteering is the method I use to give myself away. My wife and I womaned and manned the kettle for eight hours — from noon until eight. It was two bells for eight bells. We rang until the cat had pigs. As I watched a parade of Carhartt, Cabela’s, and Columbia coats go by, I was impressed by the kindness and generosity of people. I noticed that some folks take to shopping as if it were the nine circles of hell. Why does one person growl at a day that tickles others? Each day is a mirror. Everyone who looks into it sees a different face, but the mirror never changes.
Memories of shopping with father
"Dad, can I have ..."
"No!"
Customer comments
I asked Gene Johnson of Albert Lea if he ate lutefisk. Gene shook his head and said, "No, I’m smarter than I look."
Rod Searle of Waseca upgraded to a cellphone with a camera. Rod told me that he hopes he doesn’t run out of film.
Cheryl McRoberts of Haines, Alaska was married for 21 years when her husband went looking for greener pastures. He still hasn’t found them. Cheryl has found greener pastures in her second husband, Bill.
Ruth Searle of Waseca puts butter, brown sugar, and cream on her oatmeal. My wife, Gail, assured Ruth, "That’s good. If the oatmeal is going to clean you out, it needs something to clean out."
Karen Daniels of Williamsport, Pennsylvania told me, "I have an answer for everyone’s problems except my own."
Nature notes
"Do birds get rabies?" No. Birds, fish, insects, lizards, snakes, and turtles don’t get rabies.
"What are the birds that fly up in front of my car on blustery winter days?" They are horned larks, Lapland longspurs, or snow buntings. The snow bunting is the easiest to recognize due to large amounts of white flashed in flight. They nest in the far north. The Lapland longspur is an arctic nester that resembles a large, dark sparrow. The female is streaked and the male has a chestnut-colored patch on the back of its head. Their darker overall color and smaller size distinguishes them within a mixed flock. Some horned larks nest here, others in the arctic. Horned larks have tawny backs, light undersides, black tails, black bibs and cheek patches, yellow throats, and tiny "horns" (feather tufts) on their heads.
Meeting adjourned
Dale Heilman of Albert Lea said, "It’s nice to be nice to the nice." Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I was kicked in the head by a snake."
"How could a snake kick you in the head?"
"Two of his friends held me down."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: a temper is too valuable to lose.
I’ve learned
1. Sports teach teamwork, but so does moving a sofa.
2. I don’t care about the pattern on a paper towel.
3. I maintain a landline to help me find my cellphone.
The news from Hartland
Man, leaving paint store, hit with fur coats.
Grandfather clock for sale — complete with black socks and sandals.
The Pall Mall opens for smokers.
Cafe chronicles
The cafe was situated on a one-way street. It ran north one day and south the next. The Heimlich maneuver was printed on a menu that advised getting a tetanus shot after using the silverware. The day’s special was a clean plate. The coffee pot was on and trouble was brewing. Paul Cyr of New Richland says that all coffee should be made strong. If it’s too strong, water can be added, but if it’s too weak, all a person can do is to gripe. I was at the top of the food chain, so I ordered a piece of pie. I considered getting dessert with it, but did not. One year, my mother made me a birthday pie — cherry. I love cherry pie. Mom made a birthday cake, too. What’s the point of being a great cook if you don’t cook? The cake was for everyone. The cherry pie was for me.
Here in Hartland
Hartland isn't small. It has a population of 315. You stuff 315 people into your house and tell me that’s not a lot of people. The vicious rumor that Hartland is small was started by 8,244,910 residents of New York City. Envy is a terrible thing. The Hartland post office has a large mail route that sometimes leaves our dependable rural carrier, Bradley Spooner, exhausted. It wasn’t due to a spike in jack-in-the-mailbox incidents. It was because the mail order brides had come in. It’s hard work stuffing them into mailboxes.
Six-layered Claire
I traveled from Red Deer, Alberta to Harlingen, Texas to Haines, Alaska. I flew to the cities and then traveled by car while there. Driving in the south is no problem for someone who drives in the north. Claire Floyd moved from Louisiana to take a job with the American Bald Eagle Foundation in Haines. She thought that the electrical plugs hanging from the grills of cars meant that the cars were electric-powered. She’d had no experience with engine block heaters. She survives Alaska weather by wearing six layers of clothes at all times.
Did you know?
According to Men’s Health magazine, the worst food in America is Outback Steakhouse's Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing.
A survey of adults found that 49% are unable to complete the line, "O Romeo, Romeo ..." from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet with the correct answer, "wherefore art thou Romeo?"
Noah had two of everything on the Ark, except matching socks.
Lost and found
Larry and L.K. Stevenson of Cedar Point, Texas were birding when nature called L.K. She and her husband spotted a small building that looked like an outhouse. The small building was some distance away, so L.K. hiked towards it while Larry continued to look for birds. Considerable time passed. Larry began to wonder about the whereabouts of his wife. He walked to the suspected outhouse and discovered it was a mere pretender. Larry hoofed it to their car to see if L.K. might have been waiting there. She wasn't and the car was gone. Larry fell into a panic. He'd lost both his wife and his car. Just as he was about to contact the police, his wife drove up. Discovering that the outhouse wasn't one, she’d walked to the car and driven to the nearest building containing a restroom. It was a hotel. She pretended to be a guest. She didn’t need to pretend that it was an emergency.
Come clean on Bath
Ed Jensen is looking for information and/or photos of Bath. Contact Ed at 507-684-2212 or P.O. Box 206 Ellendale, MN 56026.
Nature notes
“What makes a good Christmas stocking stuffer for a birder?” A birding group membership. State park sticker. Duck stamp. Field guide. Gloves. Warm socks. Hand warmers. Ice cleats. Travel packs of tissues.
“What is our largest owl?” A great horned owl is 22-inches long and weighs 3.1 pounds, a snowy owl is 23-inches long and weighs 4 pounds, and a great gray owl is 27-inches long and weighs 2.4 pounds.
Meeting adjourned
Treat another’s dreams kindly.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"An alligator bit off my nephew’s finger."
"Which one?"
"How should I know? All alligators look alike to me."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I’ve learned
1. The Big Ten Conference has 14 teams. It’s no wonder some of their athletes have problems with math.
2. Hearsay is something that a child hears and repeats.
3. The last two Angel players to receive Major League Baseball’s Rookie of the Year award are Mike Trout and Tim Salmon. There’s something fishy about that.
The news from Hartland
Tank Heaven for Little Grills is your propane filling station.
Fish and Cheeps Pet Shop admits installing pet doors in aquariums was a mistake.
Bigfoot spotted stomping grapes.
No one is average
I serve on a board with a man who winters in Auburn, Alabama and summers in Haines, Alaska. That means, on average, he lives in Weyburn, Saskatchewan.
Thanksgiving rewind
Thanksgiving reinforces long-held values such as overeating and obsessing over football. I had a lovely Thanksgiving. The turkey wasn’t the only thing stuffed. My piehole was stuffed, too. Thanksgiving is when we’re thankful for things we should be thankful for all year. I’m thankful I missed those buy or die sales on Black Friday. Christmas sales trample thankfulness. Long before Thanksgiving, I heard Christmas songs playing in stores and airports. Sadly, there is a dearth of Thanksgiving tunes. I think of "Simple Gifts" as my Thanksgiving song. "'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free. 'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be. And when we find ourselves in the place just right, 'Twill be in the valley of love and delight."
I asked a friend what his favorite Thanksgiving song was. He said it was by Adam Sandler and goes like this, “Turkey for me. Turkey for you. Let's eat the turkey in my big brown shoe. Love to eat the turkey at the table. I once saw a movie with Betty Grable. Eat that turkey all night long. Fifty million Elvis fans can't be wrong. Turkey lurkey doo and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap."
Mike Twohy did a cartoon for The New Yorker of a man telling his family, "The takeaway tonight is 'Thanks.'"
Adam Sandler sang only one song about Thanksgiving. That’s something to thank about.
Winter woes
Cheryl McRoberts is Director of Operations for the American Bald Eagle Foundation located in Haines, Alaska. Last winter, 30 feet of snow fell at the Foundation’s headquarters — 11 feet in November. One morning, Cheryl came to work to find the doors completely covered by snow. She couldn’t get into her office. Her husband Bill said, "Well, let’s get busy. Where are the shovels?"
The shovels were safe and sound inside the building.
Gunned down by a grapefruit
I was in Weslaco, Texas. It didn’t take long to drive there. There is an unwritten law in Texas that says you must pass the car ahead of you. I was hunting the perfect grapefruit — sweet and juicy. I found one. I attacked it with a spoon. The grapefruit squirted me in the eye. The hunter had become the hunted.
Astronaut
I met Edgar Mitchell recently. He was an astronaut and the sixth man to walk on the moon. My parents thought I’d become an astronaut because my teachers told them that I was just taking up space in class. A day lasts approximately 708 hours on the moon. I should move my office there. I might be able to catch up on my work. Edgar Mitchell walked on the moon. That saves him a lot of money. Once you’ve done that, there’s no point in going on an amusement park ride.
Mink earlaps
Terry Jacobson of Haines, Alaska made a coonskin cap. The raccoon wasn’t large enough to allow for earlaps. A mink helped itself to some of Terry’s Rhode Island Red hens. Terry shot the mink in the chickens’ memory. Now Terry has a coonskin cap with mink earlaps.
Nature notes
The downy woodpecker is found in all states but Hawaii.
It’s believed that apples originated in Asia and were first cultivated in the Tien Shan Mountains of eastern Kazakhstan. The Seed Savers Exchange near Decorah, Iowa grows about 700 varieties of apple trees.
Meeting adjourned
Be kind and thank the people who have made a difference in your life.
Echoes from the Loafers' Club Meeting
"I got a new hearing aid and does it work great. I can hear everything clearly."
"What kind is it?"
"It’s about half-past seven."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: when someone says, "How stupid can you be?" I take it as a challenge.
I've learned
1. A child learns that silence is both golden and suspicious.
2. Weight snacks up on you.
3. I’ll lose a tube of lip balm before I use it up.
The news from Hartland
Dog denied entrance to Down Boy Obedience School due to low SIT scores.
Local resident puts wall-to-wall carpeting in his bathroom. He liked it so much, he ran it to the house.
The ASPCAC (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Alarm Clocks) forms.
A good deed done
Two teenage gymnasts were flying from Minneapolis-St. Paul to Houston, Texas. They were seated one ahead of the other on the plane. Another passenger offered to change seats so that the two might sit side-by-side. The move was completed to the delight of the girls.
"You are awesome!" said one.
"I’m so happy to be awesome," was the reply.
£*! storm
The Weather Channel is naming winter storms. We've named them for years. I’ve heard bad ones called many names. Names give storms a personality. The worst storms should have scary names like Dracula. Milder storms should carry monikers like Bob. One year, snow covered our house at such depth that we couldn’t get out the door until July. I can’t repeat what that storm was called.
When cashews taste like earwax
Karen Daniels, a friend who lives in Williamsport, Pennsylvania, wears hearing aids. One night, Karen was eating cashews as she watched TV. She had one hand filled with cashews and in her other hand, she held a hearing aid that she planned to put in her ear. What happened next is up for speculation. Karen might have momentarily confused her left for her right or forgot the exact locations of her ears and mouth. What’s certain is that Karen popped the hearing aid into her mouth. She chewed the hearing aid. It didn’t taste like a cashew. She spit out the bits of a no longer functioning hearing aid. She'll make do. She’ll label the ear housing the surviving hearing aid as the "good ear."
Life in a small town
Bob is 92 years old and lives in a small town. Not long ago, he ran over a traffic cone downtown. The neighbors like him, but they don’t want him driving. One neighbor solved the problem by pushing a pile of deep snow behind Bob’s truck so that it’s impossible for Bob to get his truck out of the garage.
A fried chicken hound
I stopped in a fried chicken place in South Texas. I sat down to two pieces of chicken, mashed potatoes, and unsweetened iced tea. It might not have been a meal fit for a king, but it was more than sufficient for the likes of me.
A number of crickets chirped near me. They weren’t real crickets. They were ringtones. Cricket wireless stores proliferated in the area.
A phone at the table next to me chirped. A woman answered it with, "Hello. No, we’re shopping at Wal-Mart."
I wondered why she wanted her meal at the fried chicken place kept a secret. Maybe she was dieting.
As I listened to one side of that conversation, my gaze moved to the window and the parking lot beyond it. There, lying forlornly on the pavement, was a dog. The hapless hound was not without hope. I saw her jump up and beg for food from people exiting the restaurant. I thought they might have been her owners. They were not. They got into their car and drove off. The dog appeared to have been a mother of young puppies.
I ate the mashed potatoes. A dog ate my chicken.
Nature notes
Hummingbirds migrate to exploit brief windows of opportunity in habitats that cannot support a year-round population. Photoperiod (the amount of daylight) triggers their migration. As flowers bloom and insect populations swell in the spring and decline in the fall, the birds follow the food chain. Hummingbirds migrate north to take advantage of the bounty of blooms and insects that spring brings. These provide the food and energy required for courtship, mating, nesting, and raising young.
Meeting adjourned
A good deed is a payment in kind.
Echoes from the Loafers' Club Meeting
"It’s a good thing that I have a good memory for faces."
"Why is that?"
"Because I broke my shaving mirror this morning.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Money is like underwear. There’s no need for everyone else to know you have it.
The news from Hartland
Ole’s Margarine Company announces that business has never been butter.
A duck flew up the elephant’s trunk at Bob’s Zoo and Windshield Repair. The elephant was arrested for snorting quack.
Non-resident deer hunters are allowed to shoot only non-resident deer.
Did you know?
A survey cited in The Wall Street Journal found that 59% of women admitted to having frequent problems in relocating their vehicles in parking lots. This same problem afflicts 42% of men.
Doctor, doctor, give me the news
Marci Fuller of San Benito, Texas, told me her doctor/husband tells many patients to go on "itos-free" diets. That means no Doritos, Fritos, burritos, Cheetos (qualifies on sound alone), or taquitos.
Restroom reflections
I was about to speak at a thing in Harlingen, Texas. I visited the bathroom first. Always a good idea. No one needs any extra stress. As I entered the necessary room, I met a man carrying one of those giant mugs. I reckon it held about five gallons of his favorite soft drink. That might be a slight exaggeration, but it was huge.
"You must have to make a lot of stops in rooms like this," I said.
He raised his mug as a salute in my direction and replied, "Endless."
Maybe he should drink the contents of his enormous mug only in restrooms.
Echoes from a church basement
We were talking of many things as we enjoyed good food in the church basement. Food always tastes better outside and in church basements. Anyway, we talked of many things. I thought of Lewis Carroll, who wrote in Through the Looking-Glass, "'The time has come,' the Walrus said, 'To talk of many things: Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax — of cabbages — and kings — And why the sea is boiling hot — And whether pigs have wings.'"
We didn’t actually talk about any of those things, but Pastor Ron Brey, a friend of long-standing, did say that it was hard to find funny sympathy cards. I had to agree.
Brain cramp
I got up from my office chair and walked into the living room. For no apparent reason. Or at least not for any reason that I could remember.
The cat that had been sleeping on the sofa, suddenly awakened, jumped to the floor, and walked resolutely down into the basement.
I hoped it remembered why it had gone there.
Customer comments
Arlene Bryson of Alden told me she has been experiencing some hearing loss that is most noticeable in rooms crowded with people. She said when talking to people in such situations, she has learned to smile a lot and to refrain from nodding.
Nature notes
A caller asked what ants do during the winter? Smart ones crawl to Arizona. Some ants can adjust the structure of their nests to help regulate the internal temperature. Anthills act as solar-collectors, increasing the temperature inside. When it becomes too cold, the ants retreat deeper underground, below the frost line. Carpenter ants live in nests in wood. Wood is a good insulator, but freezes in winter. The ants enter a state of slowed metabolism called “diapause.” Generally, the queen stops laying eggs. The workers begin to mass more than before. Cold weather doesn’t stop some ants from being active in buildings. A common indoor winter ant is the pavement ant. The reddish-brown pavement ant is 1/8-inch long. Pavement ants typically nest in the soil under stones, bricks, sidewalks, or driveways. When the nest is kept warm from a building’s heat, the ants stay active, move through the cracks in concrete, and actively forage for food and water. Pavement ants prefer to feed on greasy food such as meat, dry pet food, and peanut butter. Not all ants seen during winter are pavement ants. You may also see carpenter ants, Pharaoh ants, yellow ants, and thief ants.
Meeting adjourned
Dr. A. J. Cronin prescribed an unusual treatment for some of his patients who were feeling blue. He insisted that for six weeks a patient say, "Thank you" for every kindness and keep a record of this gratitude. According to Dr. Cronin, he had a remarkable cure rate.
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Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"What would you do if you woke up one morning and you had become a millionaire?"
"I’d go back to sleep."
"Why would you go back to sleep?"
"To see if I could sleep up another million dollars."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: drivers who enjoy seeing a combine working in a farm field aren’t so happy to see one ahead of them on the road.
I’ve learned
1. A bird in the hand poops.
2. Velcro is a rip off.
3. The "right tool for the job" is the yeti of the do-it-yourselfer's toolbox — talked about, but never found.
The news from Hartland
Prophecy Gas station is self-fulfilling.
St. Menard’s Hardware offers dead batteries free of charge.
The police department downsizes. Traffic law violators must now write their own tickets.
Sneeze, please
I’d been at a meeting. We had watched a film in a room darkened to enhance the viewing. At the meeting’s conclusion, I stepped outside into the bright sunlight. There is something called the photic sneeze reflex that refers to sneezing provoked by the sudden exposure to brilliant sunlight. It’s also called the Autosomal dominant Compelling Helio-Ophthalmic Outburst syndrome or ACHOO. I call it sun sneezing. This scenario usually causes me to sneeze three times. That’s O.K. It’s nice when people say “Bless you” when I do a simple thing like sneezing. Gesundheit is a polite way of saying, “Missed me.” The sneeze is the only instrument I play. My parents thought I’d be a musician as I played the radio when I was only four years old. I enjoy incorporating other words into my sneezes. Anyway, there I was, about to sneeze and then I didn’t. I wanted to sneeze, but I couldn’t. It was a case of sneeze freeze.
Looking at Lambeau
I toured Lambeau Field. There were eight of us — two normal people, four Packer fans, and two guides. The home of the 13-time NFL champions also offers a venue for wedding, birthday, and prom parties. Built in 1957, Lambeau Field has 166 private suites available for $84,500 to $160,000 a year. It seats 73,142 fans uncomfortably and has sold out every game since 1960. Approximately 100,000 people are on the waiting list for season tickets, which nearly matches the population of Green Bay (104,000). As we came out of the tunnel to the cheers of invisible fans and the music of a recorded band, we witnessed a heartwarming event. A Green Bay Packer player who’d been wandering around downtown had been shot with a tranquilizer dart and was relocated back into his natural habitat of Lambeau Field. There wasn’t a dry eye at Lambeau.
While on the subject of football, the neighbor’s son was home visiting family. He wrestles gators in Florida for a living. Not the chunks of blown tires found on the road, but real alligators. He’s destined for great things. I asked if he worried about being eaten by an alligator. "No," he said, "I have a 'Minnesota Vikings Super Bowl Champions' tattoo. Even a gator wouldn’t be able to swallow that."
Interrobang
I attended a friend’s birthday party. On the tables were tiny cards. One side of every card read, "CHAT PACK. For Questions to Spark Conversations." On the back of each card was a question such as, "Which punctuation mark would best describe your personality?" I thought that was an interesting question. I had an immediate answer. It would be interrobang or interabang that is indicated by ?! or !?. It combines the functions of the question mark and the exclamation point. I have so many things that I don’t know and I’m so excited to learn new things.
Nature notes
"What is a hoot owl?" It is a name given to the barred owl and the great horned owl. The barred owl, famous for its "Who cooks for you" call has a more strident voice than the great horned owl. Another possibility, but less likely, would be the great gray owl.
"What is it called when a bird rubs its bill on a branch after it has eaten?" The process in which a bird removes food from its bill is called "feaking." Rubbing the bill along a hard surface also helps keep the beak trimmed. Bird bills are made of keratin, as are their feathers and our fingernails.
"What is the difference between a 'bill' and a 'beak'?" Except for the spelling, nothing. The terms are interchangeable.
Meeting adjourned
Choose wisely. Choose kindness.
Echoes from a Loafers’ Club Meeting
"We're getting older."
"I hear that. Where do you see yourself in five years?"
"In mirrors."
I've learned
1. When Superman makes jokes about his girlfriend, it’s the Lois form of humor.
2. The cream rises to the top, but so does the scum.
3. That when the cashier says, "Strip down," she's talking about my credit card.
Thoughts of the election
1. I read that the human body has 45 miles of nerves. If that's true, negative ads have gotten on every inch of them.
2. Elections should be held on Christmas. Then, if we don’t like someone we elected, we could exchange him.
3. A yard sign has never changed my mind as to whom I am voting for.
The news from Hartland
Pumpkin Patch closes. Owners claim to be out of their gourds.
Chimney sales are through the roof at Sherlock Homes.
Fast food restaurant offers escargot sandwiches for those wanting to slow down.
Tomb it may concern. Halloween memories
I liked the school bus. The problem was that it stopped at the ends of too many driveways. It wasn't the express. I was early on the bus, late off. I looked at my seatmate. He was dressed like Dracula. It was a pain in the neck riding a bus with a vampire. I told him of a nonexistent man named Jeckle who lived near our school. I assured him that we could knock on the door of Jeckle and hide.
Cafe chronicles
"Could I have my hamburger without onions?"
"I'm sorry, but we’re out of onions. Would you like it without pickles instead?"
I was seated at the table of infinite wisdom. Men ate with a lupine voracity. The discussion was on frugality. Loren Ingebretsen of Felton, MN told me he’s so cheap that included in his directions to his family following his death is, "Slice the ham thin."
My contribution to the table topic was the tale of my frugal neighbor.
"Put on your coat," he said to his wife.
"Are we going out?" she asked.
"I am, but you’re staying home."
"Then why do I need to wear a coat?" she wondered aloud.
"Because I'm turning off the heat."
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
Tom Benson operated the barbershop here for many years. Some thought his dog spent so much time there because it enjoyed watching Tom cut hair. I worried that the canine was waiting for Tom to cut off a customer’s ear.
Customer comments
Jim Mathis of Atlanta told me about the great numbers of northerners who winter in South Florida. He said that there so many, the farther south you get, the more north it becomes.
Duane Miller of Hartland said that his great nephew calls his great uncle, "Grunkle Duane."
Dan Carlin is a retired teacher from Faribault. His students were fond of asking Dan if he were related to George Carlin. Dan replied, "He's my brother, but my wife won't let him in the house because of his filthy language."
Barb Finseth of New Richland told me that her father, Ken, offered his farm driveway to youngsters for sledding down. If the weather was not conducive to good sledding (some claim that Minnesota has only two seasons — winter and poor sledding), Ken would run water down the driveway to make it world class sledding.
Did you know?
New Hampshire has been ranked the top beer-drinking state with a per capita consumption of 43 gallons a year according to a report in 24/7 Wall Street.
In 1957, Leave It to Beaver on CBS was the first TV program to show a toilet tank. Network executives were squeamish about displaying a bathroom on television, especially a toilet. The network and the production company reached a compromise — an episode including shots of the tank, but not the toilet itself.
The most popular drink on National Basketball Association flights, according to Delta, is Snapple Kiwi-Strawberry juice drink.
Nature notes
“Is there a spray that will discourage squirrels?” I’ve not used any as a squirrel deterrent, but I’ve heard from many readers regarding such things. I’ve been told that squirrels don’t like the smell of dog repellent spray. They also purportedly dislike the smell of vinegar. Many people have used Liquid Fence to deter squirrels from digging up bulbs or potted plants and from making a dog’s breakfast of the landscaping. Liquid Fence is an all-natural repellent with ingredients that include garlic. I must qualify my answer, as I’ve never used these methods to keep squirrels at bay. I’ve tried mothballs and found them of no help.
Meeting adjourned
Make kindness your default position.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I went to the eye doctor. He said that I need glasses."
"He could tell that from an eye test?"
"No, he based it on the fact that I thought I was in the dentist’s office."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I spoke at a vendor’s show and found myself the owner of several new pens bearing advertising. I remember when I had to wait for school to start to get a new pen.
I've learned
1. I love Halloween because it turns the cobwebs in the corners of my office into decorations.
2. You know you're getting older when you start saying your bedtime prayers at noon so you won't fall asleep before you finish them.
3. You're getting older if you think instant messaging is passing notes in class.
The news from Hartland
Fuel’s Paradise offers a premium gas list to its discriminating customers.
Stand by for braking news from Jack Tupp’s Auto Repair Shop.
PETA Cattle Ranch uses curling irons instead of branding irons.
Ask Al
"Why are businesses more likely to hear from unhappy customers than happy ones?" Because the happy ones are at home clapping their hands and singing, "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands."
"Did you ever intercept a pass during a football game?" Once. It was the last game I ever refereed.
"Why do wives correct their husbands so often?" Because their husbands are wrong so often.
Scenes from a car
Family car trips involve family and a car. There is usually too much of one and an excess of the other. Conversations such as this one are repeated.
"Are we there yet?"
"Is the car still moving? If it is, that means we’re not there yet."
"How many more towns?"
"Ask your mother."
Cafe chronicles
Sue Stadelman lives in Shawano, WI. Her maiden name was True. Her brother married a woman named Sue. Occasionally her brother runs into someone in the course of his employment who asks him if he ever knew Sue True. He replies, "Yes. She used to be my sister. Now she's my wife."
The language
When people ask me how I am, I tend to reply, "Swell."
A former schoolmate, Georgia Dinneen of New Richland, responds in similar fashion, but adds, "If I were any sweller, I'd be swollen."
A traveling man
I drove into Oshkosh, Wisconsin, a city with numerous roundabouts. They were slightly reminiscent of the roundabout that foiled the Griswold family in National Lampoon’s European Vacation. I traveled in the best of circles. I didn't get lost in the fine city of Oshkosh, but I did become dizzy.
Bug zombies
My wife found her workplace invaded by boxelder bugs. Some of the bugs assumed positions on the floor. Each was on its back with its legs crossed as if it were in a casket. There they remained unmoving for a long time. She swept up the dead insects and placed them into a wastebasket. It wasn't long before the dead boxelder bugs began crawling out of the dustbin. They were boxelder bug zombies.
The windshield fairy
A Hartland resident had a cracked car windshield. She called a windshield replacement company that agreed to send a van to her residence. The windshield would be replaced right there on the street in front of her house. The van arrived and the new windshield was installed — in a neighbor’s car parked nearby.
Nature notes
A swirling flock of blackbirds landed in the tree of my yard. The tree dropped leaves to make room for gossiping birds. As I stepped outside, I heard the moaning of one tree cradled in the limbs of another. It was windsong. Winter brings a fair amount of deprivation. It takes autumn from us. Each morning, I want fall to last one more day.
Wild turkeys are omnivores. Their main source of food is plant material — grasses, green leaves, and seeds. Acorns, fruits, and berries are important during fall and winter. They eat grasshoppers, dragonflies, snails, beetles, and salamanders. Young turkeys (poults) consume large amounts of insects for protein. Wild turkeys nearly always feed on the ground, rarely feeding while roosting in trees. They feed heaviest during the two to three hours after leaving the roost in the morning and again during the two to three hours before sunset.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to Cross of Glory Lutheran’s Soup and Pie Supper on Nov. 7 from 4:30 to 7.
Meeting adjourned
“The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being.” — The Dalai Lama
Echoes from the Loafers' Club Meeting
"All you did was to complain about the food at that restaurant."
"It was terrible."
"And then you left a $10 tip."
"I wanted them to know what a wonderful customer they had lost."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: It's O.K. to eat cake every day. It's somebody's birthday.
I've learned
1. Today's misadventures become tomorrow’s good old days.
2. The bed is a great place for remembering everything I should have done.
3. I have more money than sense and I have very little money.
The news from Hartland
Homecoming was a big success. All trees were toilet papered except for the weeping willow trees that had facial tissues put on them.
Local fishermen give in to pier pressure.
School closes lunchroom due to gray food coloring shortage.
Variety show canceled due to leaky water pipes and piano player's illness, proving that there is more than one way to can a skit.
Ask Al
"Why do humans eat so much fatty foods?" They're easy to catch.
"How can I tell when my farmer husband wants to kiss me?" He will turn his cap around so that the bill is to the back.
"Do you believe in cow tipping?" Sure, 15% is customary, a bit more for exceptional service.
Hey, you!
I was about to begin teaching some writing classes. As I picked up my room assignments, an administrator, who I've known for years, asked me if I should be referred to as Al, Allen, or Mr. Batt. I paused in my reply, trying to come up with the most appropriate name, pleased that he had not included "Hey, you." I must have paused too long, as the man said, "The questions don't get any easier."
A traveling man
I had just eaten some nameless cereal in a hotel far from home. It tasted like shredded catalogs might taste and was the kind of cereal that made me wish I'd stayed in bed. All the flavor had been replaced with fiber. I looked at the woman in charge of the breakfast area. She looked like that wonderful kind of person who would be more than willing to give directions using landmarks that no longer exist.
"The cereal," I said, making a face.
"I know," she replied, mirroring my countenance.
Halloween
Back before zombies could vote, there was a place we called The Passion Pit. It was a drive-in movie theater. We sat in our cars and watched movies on a giant outdoor screen. This enterprise was fond of showing scary movies we called "creature features." In reality, they weren't all that scary. They depended upon the overactive imaginations of their viewers to make them frightening. Nothing I saw in any of those shows was nearly as terrifying as the attack ads that proliferate today.
Did you know?
Lee County in Iowa has two county seats, Fort Madison and Keokuk.
According to a study by Newcastle University published in the Journal of Neuroscience, the screech of a knife on a glass bottle has been identified as the worst sound to the human ear.
University of Kansas research found that judgments based on looking at someone's shoes were right 90 percent of the time. Liberals do wear shabby shoes and extroverts wear flashy footwear.
Overheard only because she was yelling into a cellphone in the Calgary Airport
"As husbands go, he went, but I love what you've done with your husband."
Living on a jet plane
I always come back from working on the road a different person. And I get to meet some different people.
I walked to the hotel desk, prepared to make a late night check-in.
The clerk greeted me with a smile before saying, "Are you sure you want to stay here?"
"What?" I replied cleverly.
"It's my last day on this job," she said.
Customer comments
P. Jean Champoux wrote, "Just a note to tell you that my WV grandfather lost a leg in a railroad accident. He wore a wooden one and amused his daughter, my mother, and her childhood friends by using a hammer and tacks to keep his socks up.
Jeanne Mealy included this at the end of her email, "This e-mail is a natural hand-made product. The slight variations in spelling and grammar enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to be considered flawws."
Meeting adjourned
"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give." — Winston Churchill. Be kind.