ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

“What’s wrong with your car?”  “My first thought was that it’s the frammydeuce.”

“What’s a frammydeuce?”

“I don’t know, but it was my first thought.”

DRIVING BY THE BRUCES

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Two wrongs don’t make a right. Three lefts do.

I’VE LEARNED

1. Those who can laugh at themselves are worth knowing.

2. Our education system is the goodest in the land.

3. A baseball game adds flavor to a hotdog.

JUST IN TIME FOR NEXT VALENTINE’S DAY

Next year, I will say this to the lovely woman with whom I have shared a hamper for years.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Olive.

Olive, who?

Olive you.

Next year, I intend on celebrating Valentine’s Day on February 15 because candy and flowers are half-price then.

MY NEIGHBOR

My neighbor Throgmorton has many stories. Not all of them start with, “Once, while I was deer hunting.” He has one story that begins, “Once, while I was pheasant hunting.”

His oldest son is named Oswald III. His father told him that he is a III because the first two wouldn’t listen to their father.

ANOTHER HICK IN THE MALL

I was in the mall. It’s not my natural habitat. We were shopping and I had drifted away from my wife. It wasn’t my fault. There was no shopping cart for me to stay near. We’ve been married for many years, so a good deal of time passed before my lovely bride realized I had gone missing. She pulled her cell phone from her purse and called my cell phone. I answered using an assumed name because the tone of her voice frightened me. She demanded, “Where are you?”

I calmly replied, “Honey, you remember that jewelry store where you saw the diamond necklace that you fell in love with and I told you that it would be yours one day?”

My wife fell nearly speechless, before saying sweetly, “Yes, I remember that, my love.”

I continued, “Well, I’m in the bookstore by that jewelry store.”

THEY ARE SAYING

A woman at Our Savor’s Lutheran Church in Austin said that her young grandchild reported some of her shenanigans from school, but comforted her grandmother by saying, “Don’t worry. What happens in school, stays in school.”

Gerald Potter of Ohio told me that he and his wife winter in Gulf Shores, Alabama. A sign on the condominium they reside in reads, “Caution: Snowbird nesting area.”

A POLAR BEAR CLUB MEMBER IN THE SHOWER

I’ve always admired the members of a Polar Bear Club, but to jump into frigid water on purpose is not on my bucket list. I fear that such actions might anger Boreas. I have been in a shower when my wife (accidentally?) flushed the toilet. In our current abode, such an action makes the water scalding hot, but in a previous house, flushing the toilet turned the shower cold enough that it could have been the Polar Bear Club membership chairman. I still shudder at the thought.

WATCHING BASKETBALL

I was seated in the stands. It was like sitting on concrete only harder. I was watching a family member play basketball. I played basketball for mumbleteenth years. It was fun, but watching is more difficult than playing. I want those I love to do well, find joy, and escape unhurt.

“Traveling,” I said softly. I never yell such things. At least, I haven’t yet.

“Good shot. Nice pass. Good defense. Nice rebound. Good hustle.”

I say those things much louder than I say, “Traveling.”

I say, “Good shot. Nice pass. Good defense. Nice rebound. Good hustle,” in response to the good play of either team. The only difference is that I say them louder for the team with a roster that contains my loved one. I don’t yell at the refs. I’ve been a ref. I try to yell kindly at everyone else.

NATURE NOTES

Why do deer freeze in the headlights of a car? Deer are crepuscular, meaning that their activity peaks around sunrise and sunset. Their vision is optimized for low light. When headlights strike eyes fully dilated to capture as much light as possible, deer are unable to see. They freeze until their eyes adjust. University of Georgia research suggests that by human standards, deer are legally blind. It estimated deer vision at 20/200. Where a person with normal eyesight could discern details at 200 yards, a deer needs to see at 20 yards. 

MEETING ADJOURNED

If you want to be happy, be kind.