Compostings (267)
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
My brother thinks he's a snowblower.
Did you take him to a doctor?
No, I have to wait until the neighbor returns him.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — ho live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if I’m in a hurry, I shouldn’t be driving.
I’ve learned
• Astrology was invented to make economics seem like an exact science.
• When a spouse says "we," he or she means "you."
• A head is not a good place to store numbers.
The news from Hartland
• Bob and Betty Bigger proudly announce the birth of a son. The littlest Bigger’s name wasn’t available at press time.
• Vegetable farm begins near the dip in the road.
• Zoo receives bad gnus.
Cafe chronicles
"The food here is great," he said. "But this place is filled with geniuses. Every one of whom thinks he could farm better than I can."
"I need coffee and a line of credit."
There were no holes in the conversation.
"Most people my age are dead. Either Casey Stengel or my uncle Earl said that."
"Today's special is buy two dinners and pay for them both," the waitress interrupted.
The sign read, "No senior discounts. You’ve had long enough to raise the money."
Still, a discount was offered.
"Is the senior discount at 55, 60, or 65?" asked a customer, a woman wearing a sweatshirt reading, "Sweat dries. Blood clots. Bones heal. Cowgirl up."
The waitress replied, "If you feel like a senior, you get the discount."
Two men ordered the exact same breakfast. The friendly waitress hoped aloud that she wouldn’t confuse the two.
A young person entered. He was wearing shorts and a T-shirt, obviously dressed for the weather he wished we were having.
The company of a car
When you buy a car, you hope for the best. The first dent is the loudest sound in the world. One of the things you notice when you purchase a different vehicle, is that there are many cars just like yours. I just put 200,000 miles on my car, which has been a wonderful traveling companion. I wanted to stop and celebrate the mileage achievement, but I was driving down an interstate highway and it didn’t seem the place for jollification. I did bark out "Who let the miles out" and gave the car a kiss on her steering wheel. I appreciate her good company.
If I don’t see you in the future, I’ll see you in the pasture
I love the funny pages in newspapers. I enjoyed Rick O'Shay, a sometimes light-hearted, sometimes serious western set in the town of Conniption. The creator, Stan Lynde, introduced a number of colorfully-named supporting characters for the hopeful protagonist, Rick O’Shay. There was Mort Gage the banker and Hipshot Percussion, a gunslinger. Lynde passed away not long ago in Montana. I never got around to thanking him for his strip.
Customer comments
Sue Levy of Webster, Tex., wrote, "My husband favored the biblical method of snow removal. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Eventually."
Leon Schoenrock of New Richland wrote, "In regards to your statistic on hand washing, my friend Dave "Sharkey" Dunnette says you can tell what kind of job you have by your hand-washing habits. If you have a white-collar job, you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom. If you have a blue-collar job, you wash your hands before you go to the bathroom."
Did you know?
• Sigmund Freud had a chow, which sat beside him as Freud conducted therapy sessions. Freud felt that dogs could judge character.
• A CNN investigation found that between 7 and 18 percent of football and basketball players at big-time athletics universities read at an elementary school level.
• One out of eight Americans eats pizza each day.
Nature notes
"What kind of duck is Daffy Duck?" Daffy Duck is the kind of waterfowl that says things like, "I'm not afraid of ghosts. In fact, I'm not afraid of anything. Except perhaps low quarterly profit projections and personal intimacy." Daffy Duck is a Looney Tunes cartoon character created by Tex Avery for Warner Brothers. An argument could be made that Daffy was modeled after the black scoter, a ring-necked duck, a mallard, or an American black duck. Daffy doesn’t match any of them. Daffy appears to be a hybrid hunted by Elmer Fudd.
New Richland Public Library
Please join me there on the evening of February 26.
Thanks for stopping by
Marcel Proust wrote, "Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
Are you going to eat that?
Yes. Why?
Well, you've been putting on a little weight.
You should talk.
At least I never talk with my mouth full.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: it can take a long time to hurry.
The news from Hartland
• Mabel Johnson makes the best Mabel syrup in town.
• Prints Charming Company produces a relief map to the city’s restrooms.
• Woman quits job at post office, claiming it was a mail-dominated enterprise.
Living in an icebox
A caller from Arizona asked the temperature.
I replied, "It’s one below."
"Hmmm," said the caller, "I’d heard that it was 20 degrees below zero there."
"Oh, you mean outside."
It was cold enough that the earbuds wore earmuffs. A solar energy spill made the day tolerable. One neighbor never looks at the thermometer because it makes him cold.
"What is the temperature?" I asked.
"It’s one below," replied my bride.
"Was it supposed to get that warm?
I drank my orange juice before it got cold and stepped outside to fill the birdfeeders. I walked on the wind-hardened surface of the deep snow. It was firm enough to give me hope. I took three steps. I smiled at my good fortune. I shouldn’t have. I broke through the crust. As I struggled to free myself from hip-deep snow, I wished I’d been wearing socks.
Winter is when even those of us who are so dense that light bends around us get the drift. We need an extra season just to figure out the other four.
Bogus benevolence
A telemarketer called. I’m on that "do not call" list, but nonprofits and politicians are exempt from adhering to its restraints.
He gave his spiel. While he went on, I investigated the "charity" he represented. It was one of those "sound alike" outfits. Its name sounded like that of a reputable charity. A minuscule percentage of the funds raised go to the people they were purported to go to.
I asked him if he’d be willing to call his mother and ask her to donate.
There was a long pause before he hung up on me.
My neighbor
He married a girl from the next town over.
In his family, there was no separation of love and hotdish, but his wife was different.
She wanted things to be better.
He just wanted things to not get any worse.
She told her sister, "If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, my husband is a threat to the world."
After constant encouragement, he agreed to accompany her to a seminar titled, "Thoughts on Modeling the Monetary Transmission Mechanism" at the university.
On the drive home, he admitted, "That changed the way I think about the things I never think about."
Groundhog Day in retrospect
Reverend Cherie Daniel of Freeborn said she saw a photo of a wolf with this caption, "The groundhog said six more weeks of winter, so I ate him."
Le Peterson of Freeborn advised that each Groundhog Day tells us that we’ll have either six weeks or a month and a half more of winter.
Customer comments
Mark Sorenson of Hollandale attended a Yankees game when he was a small boy. Mark was seated next to his father and Mickey Mantle was at bat. Mickey took a mighty swing and popped a foul ball high into the air. Mark tried to find the ball, but had no luck. As he stared into the sky, his father grabbed him. The foul ball struck the spot where Mark had been. It was a near brush with fame — and pain.
John Beal of Faribault said that since he retired, every night is Friday night and every day is Saturday.
Steve Ausen of Hartland visited Uganda and was amazed at the bicycle usage there. They transported everything via bicycle. Steve watched a procession of bikes go by and commented that they carried everything except the kitchen sink. Ten minutes after saying that, a man holding a kitchen sink pedaled by.
Nature notes
Rich Chapman of Albert Lea asked if raccoons hibernate. They don’t. They go into what is called torpor, winter sleep, partial hibernation, or dormancy. They sleep for long periods, waking occasionally. Mating occurs in February and March and raccoons can be seen during the day then. Typically, if the temperature falls below 27 degrees, they retreat to their dens, usually located in hollow logs and trees.
Meeting adjourned
Kindness is a boomerang. It returns.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"What did you do yesterday?"
"Not a thing."
"How come?"
"I quit while I was ahead."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I find no pleasure in the criticism of others. For that, I’m thankful.
I’ve learned
• That if I’m certain, I should take a second look.
• Things are more like they are right now than they have ever been.
• John Donne wrote, "No man is an island" because he’d never seen an NFL game.
An ice walk
It was a long walk on a slippery slope on a gelid evening of strong winds. Such walks always seem uphill, but this one really was. It felt good to get inside the school and walk to the gym to watch a basketball game.
I sat near O’Dean Miller of New Richland who said that his wife, Regina, had complained that he’d not dropped her off at the door before parking the car. Being a good husband, O’Dean had an excuse ready. He explained that he couldn’t have done that because she’d been driving.
Cafe chronicles
"Dirty Life and Times."
That’s the song by Warren Zevon that should have been on the radio.
"Sometimes I feel like my shadow is casting me."
It was confession day at the cafe. The crackerjack waitress had brought mashed potatoes with lakes of gravy to the table.
"How are you doing?" we asked of only those who wouldn’t tell us.
He was one of those fellows whose truck doubles as a storage shed. He admitted to releasing boxelder bugs into the school library. But like any bad criminal, he’d returned to the scene of the crime. He was caught. His punishment? It went on his permanent record. He worked at a carnival one summer, operating one of those free throw shooting games where you could win swell prizes like a miniature teddy bear. He said the rim was oblong. A basketball would have had to wear a girdle to pass through the hoop easily.
It was the verdict of The Table of Infinite Knowledge that he confess his sins to his aunt. He forgets he’s Lutheran until someone says something bad about Lutherans. His aunt is Lutheran, but she isn’t just Lutheran. She’s really Lutheran.
My neighbor
Old Man McGinty is the youngest Old Man McGinty ever.
The walls of his house hold ancient knickknack shelves bearing items with only one purpose, to collect dust.
"Gunsmoke or Bonanza?"
That was his question. A verbal password.
"Gunsmoke," I replied.
"That’s the right answer. If I had a kewpie doll, you’d win it."
Old Man McGinty told me that on Super Bowl Sunday in his church, when it came time to take the offering, the minister flipped a quarter into the air, glanced at it after it landed, and announced in the fashion of a referee, "The ushers have elected to receive."
Customer comments
• Tom Goetz of Minneapolis has officiated baseball and basketball games for years. He still does baseball, but gave up basketball. Tom said the problem was that he got a year older every year while the basketball players stayed the same age.
• Vi Kycek of Albert Lea wrote, "May all days be sunny, no matter the temperature."
• Bob Hargis of Riverton, Wyo., sent this alternative to shoveling snow, "Let ’er melt."
Did you know?
• The Healthy Hand Washing Survey conducted by Bradley Corporation, a hand-washing products manufacturer, found that 74 percent of women always wash their hands after using a public restroom compared to 60 percent of men.
• The biggest complaint of restaurant patrons is about the noise.
• The Top 5 Most Overpaid Actors according to Forbes are 1. Adam Sandler 2. Katherine Heigl 3. Reese Witherspoon 4. Nicolas Cage 5. Kevin James.
Nature notes
Debra Stolarcek of Albert Lea wondered why she saw robins in January. They weren’t harbingers of spring. My mother said a robin needs three snows on its tail before it was truly spring. Some robins get more than that, because I see them every winter. They might have migrated from the north or birds that don’t migrate. Winter robins tend to travel in flocks and over-winter in ravines and wooded areas with open water sources. Their primary foods are the leftover fruit of buckthorn, cherry, crabapple, hackberry, mountain ash, etc. A lack of food causes birds to move. Some robins might eat suet or chopped fruit at feeders. The migration of male robins north follows the 37-degree isotherm.
Meeting adjourned
One kind word can warm three winter months.
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"You're just wasting your time."
"How am I doing that?"
"By sitting here."
"What should I be doing?"
"If I knew, I'd tell you."
"You’d just be wasting my time."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I'm glad that I have more aspirins than headaches.
I’ve learned
• Maturity is having no bubble wrap.
• Flattery is like chewing tobacco. It’s better if you don't swallow it.
• Grandchildren give us an opportunity to learn from the future.
The news from Hartland
• The Eat Around It Cafe serves ice cream at room temperature to prevent brain freeze.
• Carl of Carl’s Car Wash and Movie Theater says that the theater may be dark, but please eat your own popcorn.
• The Hartland Board of Tourism and Corn states that beef cattle have a steak in the economy.
Riding is a lot like walking
My mother never heard the song "Ballad of the Devil’s Backbone Tavern" by Todd Snider. She would have enjoyed it. Partial lyrics are, "I say life's too short to worry. Life's too long to wait. Too short not to love everybody. Life's too long to hate."
That part of the song could have been her credo.
One day, our car broke down on the gravel road. We had cars that tended to grow weary.
In those dark days before the advent of the cellphone, we couldn’t call in the cavalry to come to the rescue.
I jumped from the car, intending to walk home to find father, truck, or tractor.
Mom said she’d join me and ride shanks’ pony home.
That meant that she was going to use her legs as a means of transport and walk. Shanks' pony (or nag or mare) derives from the name of the lower part of the leg between the knee and ankle, the shank. It’s more often referred to as the shin or tibia.
Gambling with lutefisk
Beaver Lake Bob Hanson winters in Albert Lea. Why would anyone winter in Minnesota? I don’t know, but Albert Lea is south of Beaver Lake. I mentioned to Bob that I had been telling stories at the Shooting Star Casino in Mahnomen. Bob said he and his wife were traveling in that area once when they decided to stop at the casino and eat. Bob said the place was packed. There was a lutefisk feed being held in the casino.
Girls basketball is ladylike
I watched three girls basketball games in one day. The young ladies were amazing. They played hard. I yelled positive encouragements. I tried to be as effervescent as if I ever wasn’t.
Andy Dyrdal of Albert Lea related a tale of how he and his wife first became a couple.
Andy told me that he’d had his eye on her, but she was dating another. One night, she and her date attended a high school basketball game. It was a hard-fought contest and she cheered enthusiastically, much to the chagrin of her boyfriend.
He grumbled that she should act more ladylike.
She dumped him for Andy and their marriage lasted more than 60 years before her death.
As I watched the three games, I realized that the excellent athletes on the floor were wonderfully ladylike.
I responded by squealing in a gentlemanly manner.
Customer comments
• Who says there is no such thing as a free lunch? My cousin Jackie Muller of Whittemore told me of her friends who invited another couple out to lunch. They took them to the local John Deere dealer’s appreciation days.
• Mark Sorenson, who lives along Geneva Lake, worked in Green Bay. There he met a new father who was hoping his son's first words would not be "Mama" or "Dada," but rather, "The Vikings suck."
Did you know?
• Yakutat, Alaska is the largest US city in area. Yakutat includes 9,463 square miles of water, land, glaciers, and ice fields. It’s larger than the state of New Hampshire. It displaced Sitka, Alaska (4,812 square miles), which had supplanted Juneau (2,874) as the largest city. Jacksonville, Fla., is the largest city in the Lower 48 at 747 square miles.
• Noah’s dogs went, "Ark, ark, ark."
• The average American eats 225 pounds of meat per year.
Nature notes
Harlan Lutteke of Alden asked, "Do opossums carry rabies?" Opossums are highly resistant to rabies. A rabid opossum is a rarity.
Meeting adjourned
Do you wonder if you make a difference? If you growled at somebody today, you made a difference. If you smiled at someone today, you made a difference. Be kind.
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I’m getting nowhere fast."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because the GPS is broken in my sports car."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: it’s awkward whenever anyone asks me for a word that begins with an A and has two W’s in it.
I’ve learned
• Those who say there is no such thing as a stupid question have never worked in customer service.
• Not all opinions need to be shared.
• People hear you best when you are listening.
In Hartland news
• Bump Whistlebritches hires 70-year-old man because it was like getting two 35-year-olds for the price of one.
• Yoga class members learn that all is well that bends well.
• Loafer’s Shoe Store manager is given the pink slipper.
The visitation
I moved past the deceased. Someone said that he looked good. I suppose he did. I wished I’d had the opportunity to say goodbye. It’s difficult to say goodbye at a wake.
A fellow mourner said that his mother had lived to be 105. His parents had purchased a plot in the cemetery. They had tombstones put in. The tombstones had names, birth dates, and dates of death indicated as 19__. When his father died, they filled in the two numbers on the year of his passing. His mother lived into the 2000s. They had to change the entire year of death for her.
Life is a puzzle
Remember being a kid and having to invent things to do?
We reach a certain age and we have more to do than we could ever accomplish.
Then, if we are lucky, we attain the age where we need to invent things to do again. It happens after climbing hills so steep that by the time we realize that we are over the hill, we are climbing the next one.
She told me that she was either 93 or 39. She claimed she couldn’t remember which.
She was working a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle. It looked difficult. There was too much of the same thing in the picture depicting the finished puzzle.
She said it was hard. She smiled as she said that.
She knew that it would take only one puzzle piece to finish it.
Customer comments
• Doris Mager is an 88-year-old from Florida who travels around the country doing bird programs with live raptors. She said that her father told her to use common sense and that epsom salt is good for everything.
• Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario wrote, "Whoever said 'Do the job right the first time and you’ll never have to do it again,' never shoveled snow off a Canadian driveway, eh?"
• Dan Bagley, a retired locomotive engineer from Nevada, Iowa, told me that he ate sunflower seeds to keep from becoming drowsy while working.
Did you know?
• For the fifth straight year, Americans consider "whatever" to be the most annoying conversational word or phrase according to the Marist Institute for Public Opinion. "Whatever" is the most irritating to 38 percent of those polled while 22 percent report "like" gets on their nerves. "You know" irks 18 percent of Americans while 14 percent want "just saying" stricken from casual conversation. Six percent detest "obviously."
• In 1803, the Louisiana Purchase was completed for $15 million, roughly three cents an acre. The land spanned from Montana to the port of New Orleans and doubled the size of the United States.
• Dogs are sensitive to Earth's magnetism. The research paper, published in the journal "Frontiers in Zoology," said that dogs prefer to defecate with their bodies aligned along the North-south axis under calm magnetic field conditions. The next time you step in something on the lawn, take out your compass and see if the alignment is complete.
• After the Civil War, the U.S. government paid pensions to wounded or impoverished Union veterans and to the widows of the dead. Southern states paid pensions to disabled Confederate veterans. The Civil War pensions became a basis for Social Security.
• Janus, for whom January was named, was the Roman god of doorways and beginnings and was depicted as having two faces.
• The Great Molasses Flood occurred on January 15, 1919 in Boston. A large molasses storage tank burst and a wave of molasses rushed through the streets at an estimated 35 mph, killing 21 and injuring 150.
Nature notes
"Do butterfly houses work?" Not to house butterflies. They are decorative and more likely to be inhabited by spiders and wasps than butterflies.
Meeting adjourned
A kind act makes a fine pillow.
Echoes From the Loafers' Club Meeting
"You are one of the hardest-working men I know."
"I wish I could say the same thing about you."
"Well, you could if you were as big a liar as I am."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: most people are self-taut.
Winter weary or filled with the wonder of winter
I was driving. My sister, Georgianna, whom I tend to call Georgie, was riding shotgun on a cold, blustery day. I pointed out the plethora of birds that flew up from the graveled roadsides at the approach of my car.
I identified snow buntings, Lapland longspurs, horned larks, dark-eyed juncos, and American tree sparrows.
Georgie didn’t seem as excited about seeing the birds as I was. It wasn’t because she doesn’t like birds.
Her lack of enthusiasm was because she doesn’t like winter.
She blames that on her birth month. She was born in June. By the time cold temperatures arrived, she was used to being warm.
It makes sense, I guess. I like winter.
I was born in March. A blizzard was held in honor of my arrival.
I thought that was how things would be.
Christmas redux
I was doing some Christmas shopping. I considered some chocolate-covered cherry cordials. They are disgustingly sweet candies that my father favored. I found the candy aisle easily. I couldn’t miss it. It was everywhere. I found the candy of my father’s dreams. A couple of things had changed since I last encountered them with buying on my mind. These candies were called "cordial cherries." I guess they were friendly fruit. The other change was that the product was now available in three varieties — dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and French vanilla. I didn’t have a three-sided coin to flip. Faced with three choices, I chose none.
Mr. Goodtape
My glove box refused to stay shut. That’s no problem for a Mr. Goodwrench wannabe like me. I duct-taped it closed. With duct tape, all things are possible.
I’ve been married for a long time. I’ve used up most of my good ideas for gifts for my bride. Worthy presents are still obtainable, but difficult to find.
I gave my wife a classic film for her birthday. It was a package of 24 exposures of 200 speed Kodak Elite Chrome film for color slides that promised "Vibrant, pure colors with natural skin tones." It had a best used by date of October 2001. I’d found it behind shelved books at home. She wasn’t surprised. I should have given her duct tape.
Casino chronicles
I told stories on stage at a large casino. I suppose there are small casinos, but I don’t think I’ve ever been in one.
I visited with some of those in attendance. One, Jan Leach of Garrison, walked to her hotel room to retrieve something she’d forgotten. Not only had she forgotten something in her room, she’d forgotten how big the facility was. When she returned, she said, "The next time I go back to my room, I’m staying there."
A life lived well
I attended the funeral of a friend, Rod Searle of Waseca. The clergyman read one of Rod’s favorite poems, one written by William Cullen Bryant and titled, "Thanatopsis." "So live, that when thy summons comes to join The innumerable caravan which moves To that mysterious realm, where each shall take His chamber in the silent halls of death, Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night, Scourged to his dungeon, but, sustained and soothed By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams."
Rod abided by that.
Customer comments
Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario wrote, "I'm retired. Mondays are just early Saturdays."
Libraries gave me wings
Please join me as I present a program at the New Richland Public Library on February 26.
Owly
A great horned had owl-waiting, hooting as if there were still a few flowers left in the bunch. Listen for great horned owls to start their duet hooting in January. Chickadees begin whistling, "Spring’s here." They might be overly optimistic, but spring is somewhere.
Meeting adjourned
It was 12 degrees below zero. I went for a walk. It would have been a cracklin’ mosey for Neil Diamond. I forgot to wear a hat with earlappers. I know, I know. I held my gloved hands over my ears. That prevented me from hearing anyone ask, "Cold enough for you?"
I finished the walk in the sunshine. We can take a lot of winter if the sun shines. A kind word is sunshine on a cold day.
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I think life is like scalding hot coffee in a chipped cup."
"Why is that?"
"How should I know? I’m not a philosopher."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: wherever I look, there is scenery.
I’ve learned
• Rumors travel around the world before truth gets out of bed.
• Mark Twain didn’t know Shania Twain. And never the Twains shall meet.
• To not judge myself by the past. I don’t live there anymore.
The headlines from Hartland
• The package of Jiffy Pop on the wall of the Eat Around It Cafe is a fire alarm.
• Proctologist punched by patient suffering from 'roid rage.
• Fitless Fitness Center wishes you a happy rear end.
Cafe chronicles
Snow, salt, slush, and window washer solution had bonded to my back window like epoxy. The combination overpowered the windshield wiper. Weary of driving, I stopped at a cafe to stoke the furnace.
I sat down. He sat by me. He was a talker looking for new blood. He’d left numbed conversational carcasses scattered about the cafe.
He was a good guy. He just liked to talk more than he liked to listen. His words had no economy.
I curbed my urge to bolt and listened hard. I nodded or smiled when appropriate and uttered short words in response.
I didn’t return to that cafe for a few months. When I did, I was told that the talker had died.
I’m glad that I listened. It was a good thing.
We do well by doing good.
New Year’s resolutions
When the old year left, I’m thankful that you didn’t go with it. Let the past year go. If you don't stop picking at it, it will never heal and it may become infected.
I don’t usually make New Year’s resolutions. However, I’m stubborn, which means I’m good at quitting things. Last year, I gave up doing those polar bear plunges into frigid lakes without ever having done it once. It’s not a bad idea to make a resolution I can keep. Next year, I’m resolving that I will not buy a Ferrari. This year, I’m going to refrain from telling anyone how busy I am.
Everyone is busy.
Bird do-it-yourselfers
Many people claim that birds don’t use tools. If that’s true, why did I see a house sparrow in the tool department of the hardware store?
I’ve read about it, but I’ve not watched Duck Dynasty. We don’t receive the TV channel that carries it. That’s OK. I don't think I'd like it. That's because I grew up during the Daffy Duck Dynasty. There can be only one duck dynasty for me.
Oh, Canada
I was in a restaurant in Alberta, Canada. It offered a 72-ounce steak. If you could eat it all, it was free. There was a short list of those who had done so. I imagined an ambulance crew standing nearby.
Some of the conquerors were women. If any man thinks women are the weaker sex, he should try pulling the blankets back to his side.
My wife and I enjoyed the hospitality of Marla Calhoun of New Richland. After fine dining, including a delicious tater tot hotdish, we sat at the table and talked. After another guest made a clever retort, Marla remarked, "Everyone is a comedian."
She Who Puts Up With Me, seated a bit farther from Marla, added, "I love listening to the CBC."
The CBC. The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.
To my bride everyone is a Canadian.
Did you know?
• A Disney spokeswoman said that the average park visitor walks about seven miles per visit.
• The Oxford English Dictionary contains 171,476 words in current use and 47,156 obsolete words.
• Green bean casserole is the most popular recipe to come out of Campbell’s Soup corporate kitchen.
Nature notes
Cindy Martin of Albert Lea asks what gulls follow tractors in the field. A small, black-headed gull of the prairies, the Franklin's gull, is a common sight behind farm implements exposing worms, insects, and mice. I once called them "prairie doves." Another common gull that feeds on the invertebrates freed by the plow is the ring-billed gull. It isn’t black-headed, is larger than a Franklin’s, and has a ring around its yellow bill.
Some call it a book
My book "A Life Gone to the Birds" is available at www.albatt.net. Thank you for reading.
Meeting adjourned
I wish you more laughs than tears. Edith Lovejoy Pierce wrote, "We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them.” Make them kind words.
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"Could you tell me how to get to the highway?"
"I have no idea."
"Don't you live here?"
"I do, but I wouldn't be living here if I knew how to get to the highway."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: the biggest fool doesn’t recognize his achievement.
Ask Al
• "How can I avoid cutting myself when slicing vegetables?" Have someone else hold the vegetables.
• "Which side of a duck has the most feathers?" The outside.
• "How do you pack for a trip?" I carry my packed suitcase around the outside of the house five times. Then I remove everything I don't need.
Happy New Year
You’ve made it through another year. Nice going.
I am not always able to stay awake until midnight on New Year’s Eve. I recall the thrill of being allowed to stay up as late as I wanted. Age has changed my desires.
I went on one of those small merry-go-rounds in the park and spun around a few times. Those were my New Year’s revolutions.
The fortune cookie I opened last year said that it’d be a good year. It was. I put Goodyear tires on my car.
At the outset of a new year, it is customary to wish people good things.
I wish you pie.
Lots of pie.
Memories of Mom
Canada geese flew over in a messy V-formation. The birds were either tired or illiterate. One goose was strikingly small. It might have been a cackling goose. I thought of Dr. Seuss and one of his books, "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish," that contains the lines, "We see them come. We see them go. Some are fast. And some are slow. Some are high. And some are low. Not one of them is like another. Don’t ask us why. Go ask your mother."
I like ants. I studied them from my get-go. Back when I thought antlers were young ants, my mother didn’t think I’d become an entomologist. She thought I’d become an antomologist.
Customer comments
• Alan Searle of Toledo, Ore. wrote, "My daughter’s question, 'If you buy a bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the first one away?'"
• Rodney Hunt of Albert Lea said, "Eat chocolate in moderation. No more than a pound a day."
• Anne McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario wrote, "When you tell a child to act his age, you are saying 'act my age.' He’s already acting his age."
• Jo Golbuff of Albert Lea said her friend was adopted by a stray cat. He named it, "Not My Cat."
• Dennis Prescher of New Richland likes cookies that break instead of bending. He explained, "If it bends, it's cake."
• Rod and Ruth Searle of Waseca said a friend spent all day in a deer stand without seeing any deer. After shooting hours ended, he climbed down from the stand and trudged wearily back to his truck. There by his truck stood a deer.
• I received a Christmas card from Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario. It featured colorful birds. The text read, "We three kings of avian are, migrant birds who travel afar. Fluff and feather, snowy weather, pooping on yonder car."
Did you know?
• Researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Psycholinguistics in the Netherlands found that “Huh” is a universal word.
• Every year since 1947 the city of Oslo has given a Norway spruce as a Christmas tree to New York, London, Edinburgh and Washington, DC in gratitude for U.S. and U.K. help during World War II.
Nature notes
"Is it a centipede or a millipede in my basement?" If you can’t catch it, it's probably a centipede. They’re as fast as the four-legged chickens that are supposed to be delicious, but nobody knows for sure because they haven’t been able to catch one. The centipede has one pair of legs per body segment, the millipede has two pairs for each segment. The centipede has a flattened look, while the millipede is more rounded. Millipedes feed on decomposing organic matter and centipedes prey upon insects and spiders.
Meeting adjourned
Norman Wesley Brooks wrote, "Christmas is forever, not for just one day, for loving, sharing, giving, are not to put away like bells and lights and tinsel, in some box upon a shelf. The good you do for others is good you do yourself. Peace on Earth, good will to men, kind thoughts and words of cheer, are things we should use often and not just once a year."
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I got Mom a box of those chocolate-covered cherries."
"That’s what I got her, too."
"Oh, oh."
"No worries. I ate all of those I bought for her."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: always buy more wrapping paper, Christmas cards and Scotch tape than you think you'll need.
I’ve learned
• Anyone who believes a man is equal to a woman has never watched a man wrap a Christmas present.
• A pitchfork makes a great Christmas gift because there is no tine like the present.
• My wife likes chocolate-covered chocolate.
‘Tis the season
It was windy, but only on one side.
It was just over 75 degrees. Somewhere, but not where I was. There were sounds of windshields being scraped and snow shoveled.
Santa Claus was coming to town, weather permitting.
Despite the weather conditions, if I’d been a bell, I would have been ringing. I’m not a bell, so I was ringing bells for the Salvation Army in a busy store having a sale on jaegerschnitzelmeisterstrudel.
A shopper came into the store in which I rang bells. She was carrying her little boy. The tot, wearing a snowsuit, was sound asleep. She grabbed a shopping cart and placed the lad into it. He remained asleep. A half-hour later, when she wheeled her cart back into the herd of carts, the boy was still asleep. He was surrounded by bags of groceries, but remained slumbering. He had learned the secret to painless shopping.
Another day, it was 12° below zero, yet the wind still managed to blow fiercely. The woman said that the parking lot was far from her workplace. After her long walk in the wind and cold, she had never been happier to get to work.
Give grace to those in long lines and may the temperature fall more slowly than your credit card balance.
Yes, it tis
At a typical Christmas dinner, Mom yells, "Get out of my kitchen!"
The older kids yell at the younger ones, "Stop running! You'll break something!"
Dad yells, "Get out of the way! I can't see the TV!"
The little ones yell, "It's my toy! Give it back!"
All this yelling is why this is known as the Holler Day Season.
May the force of Christmas be with you
It was the fight between good and evil. Darth Vader battled Luke Skywalker. Suddenly in the middle of the fight, Darth pulled Luke to him and whispered, "I know what you're getting for Christmas."
Luke said, "No, you don’t."
"Yes, I do," Darth replied.
This bothered Luke, who screamed, "How could you know?"
Darth took one of those creepy breaths before responding, "I felt your presents."
Customer comments
Edgar Mitchell, an astronaut and the sixth man to walk on the moon, told me that when he saw Earth from space, he thought it silly to divide it among nations.
Did you know?
• According to a Wall Street Journal study, the average amount of time the football is in play during an NFL game is about 11 minutes.
• Men's noses are about 10 percent larger than women's on average according to a University of Iowa study.
• Allstate America's Best Drivers Report named Fort Collins, Colo. as "America's Safest Driving City." Washington, D.C. ranked at the bottom of the list.
• Only four MLB players played in every game last season — Prince Fielder of Detroit, Billy Butler of Kansas City, Joey Votto of Cincinnati and Hunter Pence of San Francisco.
• There are 147 nations that have a leader who is titled "President."
• Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter pays $265,000 in property taxes on his Tampa, Fla. mansion that includes two three-car garages, yacht docks and lifts, seven bedrooms and nine bathrooms.
• According to an article in Scientific American, the human brain has a memory storage capacity of 2.5 petabytes. If the brain were a digital video recorder, that would hold three million hours of TV shows.
Nature notes
"Can birds predict the weather?" Apparently. Most birds can sense small changes in barometric pressure. If the activity at bird feeders becomes more intense than normal, a storm may be approaching. During storms, a feeder becomes a reliable food source. Birds aren’t dependent upon feeders, but the foods offered there might make it easier for birds to weather a storm. Besides, feeding them allows us to see lovely creatures.
Meeting adjourned
"Life is mostly froth and bubble; two things stand like stone; kindness in another’s trouble, courage in your own."-–Adam Lindsay Gordon
Merry Christmas.
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I’m not getting my brother-in-law anything for Christmas this year because he didn’t like what I got him last year."
"What did you get him last year?"
"A cold."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I got my wife a belt and a bag for Christmas. She won’t be pleased, but she’ll be able to use the vacuum cleaner now.
I’ve learned that
Minds are lost in the search to find perfect gifts.
Santa Claus has put the yeti on his abominable list.
If you gift wrap gift-wrapping paper, the recipient won’t know when to stop unwrapping.
M-I-C-K-E-Y
I sat at a meeting. The presenter threw out initialisms left and right. Initialisms are a type of abbreviation made from the first letter or letters of a string of words. Examples include FBI, NFL, FYI, PR, NBA and CIA. Acronyms are abbreviations that are pronounced as words. Common acronyms include NATO, NASA, NIMBY, and OPEC. The presenter used unfamiliar initialisms. As the meeting wore on, each time the presenter used an initialism foreign to me, a voice in my head followed it up with "M-O-U-S-E."
Kinformation
Gary Crumb of Matawan and I were talking about a shared relative (twice removed), who we think might have gone to college for a moment. Gary said that the guy’s collegiate endeavors were NFL — Not For Long.
She still has her fingers
My wife loses gloves on a daily basis. Her gloves have one goal and that is to escape She Who Must Be Obeyed’s pockets. My wife and I were doing a program at an elementary school in Belle Plaine. As we walked the hallways, I noticed a great number of gloves and mittens strewn about the floors. I thought to myself, it’s important that I kept some thoughts to myself, that my wife could go to school there.
In a roundabout way
I was looking at the world through a windshield as I traveled about the country, stitching together a day. The sun came in small increments. I wanted poetry, but was given strong winds instead.
Everyone was either speeding or texting. There was snow on the road and the temperature was pushing 10 below hard enough to bruise it. Sand and salt were being applied to roads. Ice forms when the temperature of water reaches 32 degrees Fahrenheit. When salt is added, that temperature drops. If you sprinkle salt on ice, it melts because the salt lowers its freezing point. If the temperature of the roadway is lower than around 15 degrees, the salt doesn’t work, as solid salt cannot get into the structure of solid water to start the dissolving process. I watched homeowners toss wood ashes onto driveways. This adds traction and the dark color absorbs solar heat to melt ice.
I entered the fine city of Blue Earth, which has three roundabouts on Highway 169. There are about 120 roundabouts in Minnesota. Approximately 46 in Iowa. Brown County in Wisconsin, where Green Bay is located, has 47. Wisconsin has around 270. Roundabouts claim a 39 percent decrease in crashes and handle traffic with less delay than stop signs or signals. Idling decreases, which reduces vehicle emissions and fuel consumption. When entering a roundabout, yield to vehicles already in the roundabout and don’t enter until traffic from the left has cleared. Use your turn signal when exiting.
Customer comments
Keith Wakefield of Burnsville told me that life is good. He has a wife and a car. And they both work.
Chris and Becky Kehr of Belle Plaine have this stenciled on the wall of their home, "Home is where our stories begin."
Did you know?
Brontosaurus means, "thunder lizard." Scientifically speaking, there was no such thing.
Studies suggest that yawning between dogs and their owners may be contagious.
To promote the women’s basketball team’s home opener, Kansas State University handed out free bacon before tipoff.
Nature notes
Omer Hamer of Clarks Grove watched a blue jay swallow 18 kernels of corn during one quick visit to a feeding station and asked how it did that. A blue jay carries food in its throat and upper esophagus in an area called a gular pouch. It’s capable of storing two or three acorns in that pouch, placing another in its mouth, and carrying one more in its bill. In this manner, it could haul five acorns at a time to cache for later.
Meeting adjourned
Keep kindness unwrapped. Merry Christmas.
More...
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"Has anyone ever told you that you are incredibly smart?"
"No, but thank you."
"I didn’t think anyone had."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: it’s back east, out west, down south and up north.
Cafe chronicles
I was having a bowl of lonesome chili. I’d just finished ringing the bells for the Salvation Army and was feeling pretty good about myself. Someone approached my table and asked, "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Al Batt?" There was a short pause before the person added, "No offense."
It was a tie
Evelyn Waugh said, "The human mind is inspired enough when it comes to inventing horrors; it is when it tries to invent a Heaven that it shows itself cloddish."
When I was a boy, forced to wear neckties and, shudder, bow ties, I thought Heaven was a place where no one wore ties.
I moved with the line in the manner that I knew all too well. I was at a visitation for a friend. A wake. Family and friends gathered. Every gathering with well wishes is a prayer.
I wore a necktie to the wake. It seemed right. I don’t mind wearing ties.
My son is coaching basketball and has the need to wear neckties. He asked if I could donate some to his cause. I did. Some were a bit colorful, bright and wild. They are the ties that blind.
Classy kids
I spoke to Mr. Domeier’s and Mrs. Rudau’s 8th grade English classes at NRHEG. The classrooms were filled with wonderful students. I appreciated a couple of quotes on the wall of Mark Domeier’s room. "Much to learn, you still have," by Yoda and "An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it," by Orlando A. Battista.
While in the school, I enjoyed a swell meal of chicken fingers, tater tots, mandarin oranges and milk. The tater tots brought back memories of one of my favorite school lunches, the toothsome tater tot hotdish. I also had a taste for beanie weenies, hamburger gravy on mashed potatoes, and Hungarian goulash. Duane Swenson of rural Waseca told me that his favorite food in school was the pizza burger. I had deleted that file from my memory. They were good.
Memories of parallel parking
I limped into the building. I’d been on the d.l. after spraining my ankle before Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving had passed, so I told her that I limped because the gravy had settled. She told me that she was 92-ish. She was endearing, enduring and early for our meeting. She explained that by saying, "I am old." She told me that she owned and drove a car until her 90th birthday. It was a Chevrolet. She was going to get a Buick, but she thought it might be seen as pretentious. She said she could still parallel park as long as there were no other cars anywhere near. She added that her late husband liked to sit on a bench and judge parallel parking.
I wish everyone good health
I listened to Steve Wilson, a retired forest ecologist from Tower, speak recently. He told the audience not to worry if they heard a sound like that of a ruffed grouse beating its wings. His cardiologist had told Steve that he had the world's loudest artificial heart valve and the microphone tends to pick up the sound. He told us that we should only worry if we stopped hearing the sound.
I was ringing the bells for the Salvation Army when Ardy Madson approached. I enjoy ringing the bells, but Ardy’s presence brightened my day even more. Ardy said that her husband Milo had dropped her off by the front door and had gone to park the car. She said that seven years ago, she developed a health condition serious enough that Milo had begun to baby her. She added, "I haven't told him that I got better."
Miracles do happen
Christmas time is a celebration of miracles. I pulled a container of Cool Whip out of the refrigerator and found a miracle. It had Cool Whip in it. Merry Christmas.
Nature notes
"What is the difference between a wasp and hornet?" There are many answers to this question, but the term "hornet" usually refers to a kind of wasp that builds a papery nest. A prime example is the bald-faced hornet that builds large football-shaped nests made from chewed wood.
Meeting adjourned
Be kind. The world is a small town.
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I have a toothache."
"Why tell me? I'm an eye doctor."
"Oh, then I guess there's something wrong with my eyes, too."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I do first things first, but not necessarily in that order.
I’ve learned
To chop wood the first thing in the morning because the early bird gets the warm.
Cellphone calls are irritating unless they are mine.
If I learn something new each day, I’ll have more to forget.
Thankful for this
At a family gathering after Thanksgiving, my wife's cousin Kay Hickler of Litchfield presented my bride with an old baseball glove. It may have seemed odd gift as my wife's baseball career had stalled before it began, but she was thrilled to get the battered glove. Why? The glove had less form than an oven mitt and was flat as a pancake. It was a Young Leaguer Model K302. A genuine cowhide job with a thin strap of leather tethering the forefinger to the thumb. The other three were free-range fingers. What made the glove special were the initials written on it. GLN. The initials of her late father, Gene Nelson. The glove had been a dream come true for a young boy. Years later, it has become a precious memory for his daughter.
Everything depends on everything
Scott Seiberlich of Burnsville was born at midnight on December 31 or on January 1, depending on your outlook. The doctor asked Scott’s father if he wanted his son to be born in the year ending or the year beginning. Scott’s father considered the tax deduction a child provided and Scott's birthdate became December 31.
You wouldn’t think that such a simple decision would make much difference in a life, but it did.
The Selective Service System of the United States conducted a lottery to determine the order of call to military service during the Vietnam War. The lottery consisted of 366 (including February 29) slips of paper placed into plastic capsules, which were put into a large fish bowl. The capsules were extracted one at a time and determined the order in which young men would be drafted. September 14 was the first date picked, followed by April 25. Scott’s birthday of December 31 was the 100th capsule drawn. January 1 was the 305th picked. Men born on one of the first 195 dates drawn were called to serve.
Talking traffic
Iris Tarvestad of Albert Lea and I were talking about the ever-increasing traffic. Iris said that her husband, Terry, explained the growing number of wheels on roads this way, "Nobody wants to be where they are."
Iris added that while visiting Germany, she and Terry were on one side of the street attempting to get to the other side. The traffic was so heavy and there was no relief in sight. Iris asked a fellow pedestrian, "How do you get to the other side of the street?"
The man replied, "You have to be born there."
Customer comments
C.E. Vollum of Albert Lea told me that he was as sharp as a tack — the pointed end. I was glad that he was recovering from a health issue. C.E. said that he was like morning breath. He never goes away completely.
Bruce Langlie of Hartland was at a funeral when he ran into a woman that he hadn’t seen for years. The lady asked Bruce who he was. He identified himself. She said, "No, I knew Bruce Langlie. He was good-looking and had curly hair."
Larry Nelson of Waldorf said that his grandfather, Logan Huxford, once operated a Standard gas station in that city. When customers stopped during the noon hour, Logan greeted them this way, "Come on in and watch me eat."
Doug Bushlack of New Richland saw his young granddaughter, Isabel, with a cookie in each hand. Doug told her, "No more cookies." Isabel agreed readily. There weren't any cookies left.
Nature notes
"How can I tell a fox from a coyote?" A fox has a tail nearly as long as its body. The body color of a red fox may vary, but it always has a white tail tip. It has black behind its ear tips. The gray fox, seen less often than the red, has a black tip on its tail and orange behind the ears. A coyote’s tail is much shorter than its body.
Meeting adjourned
Be patient in a moment of anger and save days of heartache.
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting in Seattle
"Does it ever stop raining here?"
"It does."
"When is that?"
"When it starts snowing."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Silence is not golden. It’s foreign.
I’ve learned
• Hotdish is made for people who like it when foods touch.
• Before climbing a ladder, I should make sure it's leaning against the right wall.
• I should live each day as if I want it to last.
Oh, me-o, my-o, I was in Ohio
I was engaged in a book signing in Ohio. I went for a walk beforehand. It was windy and the rain was falling at a good clip. I had rocks in my pockets and holes in my shoes. Folklore says if you find a rock with a white line or band completely around it, you’d have good luck and a wish granted. I found one. I gave it to another who needed some good luck.
Questions
• If you could have eight days a week, which day would you want to have twice?
• Is "recycle bin" a collective noun?
Adam and Eve in the Garden of Office Max
I needed ink for my copier. It drinks ink like it’s coffee in a church basement. I was in Owatonna, so I stopped at the Office Max there. It’s soon to become an Office Depot store. I visited with a helpful employee named Adam. He fixed me up with what I needed. Adam told me that his wife’s name is Eve. Fittingly, this Adam and Eve were married in Galesville, Wis., an appropriate location because once upon a time, after reading the Bible 25 times, Reverend Van Slyke came to the conclusion that Trempealeau County was the home of the Garden of Eden.
Traveling tales
Mark Twain encouraged me by writing, "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
My wife loves to travel with me. That way, when she uses an airport restroom, there is someone to watch her bags.
After some shambolic travel, I was happy to return home. I love traveling and I love coming home. I’m Minnesota grown. I have a severe case of Gopheritis. Whenever people complain about the state’s weather, taxes, roads or politics, I tell them TIM. Not TMI, which stands for "Too Much Information." It's TIM, which means "This Is Minnesota."
A report from Haines, Alaska
I ate with friends at Klondike Pizza. One of them was from the Yukon. Another asked him, "Why do you Canadians say 'eh' all the time?"
The Yukoner replied, "Huh?"
Dan Egolf of Haines told me that a friend of his was going out to eat. As he stepped out the door of his home, a silver salmon fell onto his lawn. He looked up to see a bald eagle with butter talons. The man didn't go out to eat that day. He stayed home and ate fresh salmon.
From the family files
One in the family is working weekends and after school. He wants to buy a car. He has a driving ambition.
My father loved creamed asparagus on toast. I didn’t much care for it. I ate it reluctantly. Then one day, I munched on it and I liked it. It was the dawning of the age of asparagus.
Did you know?
• Research conducted at the University of Sussex showed that reading is the most effective way to overcome stress, beating out listening to music, drinking a cup of tea or coffee and taking a walk.
• There are 1,790 townships, 853 cities and 87 counties in Minnesota. Iowa has 1,661 townships, 947 cities and 99 counties.
Nature notes
Harlan Lutteke of Alden asked, "Where are all the birds?" The lack of birds at feeders is due to behavioral and nutritional reasons. In the spring and summer, birds are focused on breeding. They hunt for mates, search for nesting material and forage to feed nestlings. Once breeding is over, they have little reason to sing. A quiet comes with the season. The food we offer is only part of the birds' diet. In late summer and fall, there is a plethora of fruit, berries and seeds. Birds take advantage of available food sources. Some birds migrate while others move about in response to seasonal changes. Your bird feeders will feed birds.
Meeting adjourned
Two wrongs don’t make it even. Be kind.
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"Someone stole the chicken eggs I had for sale."
"Do you know who stole them?"
"I'm not sure, but I suspect they were poachers."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if it weren't for keychains, we'd have to lose our keys one at a time.
The headlines from Hartland
• Late musician leaves his regards to Broadway.
• The Eat Around It Cafe declares edible silverware to be a failed experiment.
• Grounds For Divorce Coffee Shop closes. People saw the trouble brewing.
Scenes from a marriage
I have difficulty telling black socks from navy blue socks. I need a good natural light to do so.
I used to have a pair of red socks. I could tell them from black or navy blue socks.
One day, I wore a Hawaiian-type shirt, only brighter and gaudier. It was a cheap shirt. My clothes match my wallet.
I wanted my wife to know that I wasn’t colorbland.
A peregrination
I was on a flight to Seattle.
A young girl, her mother, and her grandmother were taking their seats just in front of me.
The girl said, "I’ll sit in the middle. I know both of you want to sit by me."
In Haines, Alaska
I talked with a nice woman who had taken a tumble on the ice. That was bad luck. The good news was that she’d fallen in front of the medical clinic. The bad news was that she fractured her arm. The good news was that the arm in a sling made for the perfect support for her camera as she snapped photos of bald eagles.
The muse
I was in an area never once considered for a Monopoly board. There, I encountered a fellow with a beard covering several states. He was wearing a hat that read, "I’m perfect, you adjust," pink Crocs, and a T-shirt showing food stains from his youth that tried to cover the words, "I’m not lazy, I’m cat-like," told me, "The only thing that works in this country is gravity." He groused a bit about his daughter who was buying pajamas while wearing pajamas. He said that one day, she’d been talking on her cellphone while eating an ice cream cone. She licked the phone by mistake. He’d found relief from his migraines by placing his daughter’s purring cat next to his head. He added that he lived at the Wrinkle Ranch, his name for a retirement community, and then said, "I like reading what you write. Where do you get your ideas?"
I didn’t tell him.
Overheard
• At the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport, "I checked on our plant near Bergen. It’s difficult to get much work out of the Norwegians. They have a government pension that kicks in at age 62 that makes them all millionaires."
• In a cellphone store, "It’s like getting a free phone that you have to pay for."
• Myself saying to a friend, "We stopped at a large store. I won’t say the name, but it began with 'W' and ended with 'almart.'"
I’ve been reading
This from "Made in America" by Bill Bryson, "Just a month after the completion of the Declaration of Independence, at a time when the delegates might have been expected to occupy themselves with more pressing concerns — like how they were going to win the war and escape hanging — Congress quite extraordinarily found time to debate the business of a motto for the new nation. Their choice, E Pluribus Unum, 'One From Many', was taken from, of all places, a recipe for salad in an early poem by Virgil."
Customer comments
• Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario wrote, "The new shoot-and-release program doesn't seem to be working for duck hunters."
• Tom Duvendack of Swanton, Ohio told me that someone had asked him, "Why would anyone name his kid Duvendack?"
• Eric Durbin of Waterville, Ohio told me that he couldn’t go on a field trip because of a DFO — a Dreaded Family Obligation.
Nature notes
Darwyn Olson of Hartland asks if red-tailed hawks migrate. Many red-tailed hawks do migrate south for the winter, but some individuals, especially older birds with established territories, may stay. More birds migrate during especially snowy winters as hawks have greater difficulty locating rodents under snow.
Meeting adjourned
"Make a gift of your life and lift all mankind by being kind, considerate, forgiving, and compassionate at all times, in all places, and under all conditions, with everyone as well as yourself. This is the greatest gift anyone can give."--David R. Hawkins