Compostings (267)
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
Do you have a pen I could use?
No.
Then what's that in your shirt pocket?
That's a pen you can’t use.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: most people could use a good listening to.
Cafe chronicles
The radio offered Toby Keith singing about being in love with a red Solo cup.
That caused a patron to either laugh or lay an egg.
That man, who optimistically called himself middle aged, bellowed, "Good gravy!"
"Good gravy" is "uffda" with gravy.
At the table of infinite knowledge, we talked of a friend who had died much too young. I recalled a song by Jimmy Buffett called, "He Went to Paris," that contained this line, "Some of it’s magic, some of it’s tragic. But I had a good life all the way."
Larry Sandvol of Big Stone City, S.D. talked of his friend, an avid duck hunter, who died and was cremated. His hunting buddies reloaded shotgun shells, putting a bit of cremains into each shell. They spread his ashes that way.
I mentioned a movie that my wife and I had seen in the theater. I knew it was a chick flick. How did I know? I woke up once during the film and my wife was crying.
We miss our friend. Sometimes we laugh to keep from crying.
Camping
Two Hartlanders had such a great day fishing a brook that they vowed to meet 10 years later at that same spot to repeat the experience. But 10 years later, they couldn’t agree on the exact location. One said, "This is the spot. I recognize the clover growing on the bank."
The other man replied, "Nonsense, you can’t tell a brook by its clover."
I camped along the Missouri River. Camping is something to do when you feel the need to use a Posturepedic rock as a pillow.
I don’t own a cabin. I know that in some parts of the country, cabins are called cottages. Where I live, a cottage is where you make a certain kind of cheese.
I canoed during the day, put up a tent in the evening, and built a small fire for cooking.
At one site, wood was difficult to find. I can’t paddle a canoe as well as I can chop wood and make a fire. The canoe was old and would have made a warm fire.
It was tempting.
We’re all part of a team
Over the course of a week, I visited the grocery stores in Ellendale and New Richland. I couldn’t help but notice how nice everybody was. Folks greeted one another whether they were acquainted or not. People regularly held doors open for others and wishes for nice days were common. Shoppers were required to talk about the weather, but appeared to mean it when they asked, "How are you?"
I saw a bumper sticker on a car parked in front of one of the stores that read, "I run like a girl. See if you could keep up."
I spoke at a college in Chicago. There was a basketball tournament going on while I was there. I watched one team warm-up. It had a muscular guard, a quick guard, a 7-foot center who dunked effortlessly, a lithe forward whose smooth moves were readily apparent, and a couple of deadly jump shooters. They warmed up. Six players. Six basketballs. There were no words exchanged amongst the players. There were no handshakes, fist bumps, or high-fives. No one smiled. They were as snotty as a preschooler with allergies. They played a team that appeared to be far less talented, but played as a team and destroyed the six players on the court.
Did you know?
A Gallup Poll found that Rhode Island was the least appreciated state by its own residents with only 18 percent saying the state was the best place to live. Only 19 percent of Illinois residents felt that way. Montana and Alaska topped the list, with 77 percent of residents thinking highly of their state. Minnesota was at 61 percent and Iowa 56.
Nature notes
"How long do crows live?" Most crows don't live a year, dying in the egg or as nestlings. The average fledged crow likely lives 7 or 8 years, but studies by the Cornell Lab of Ornithology indicates that crows could live to be 17 to 21 years old. The oldest known wild American crow was 29 1/2 years old.
Meeting adjourned
The investment return on a kind word is extremely high.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
My sister just got married for the third time. All three of her husbands have been named Charles.
Don't say it.
Yup, she's a regular Chuck magnet.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: we don’t mind change as long as it doesn’t involve changing.
The news from Hartland
• Cat obedience school closes.
• Bible study group walks on their hands in order to save soles.
• Martial arts center offers a senior division called the high belt class.
The shot clinic
I went to a shot clinic. It's a clinic where they give shots that is within a clinic. I went there to get a herd of inoculations. I sat in the waiting area. Some people were there for their children. Some people were there because they had children. Babe Ruth of the New York Yankees supposedly called a shot, a home run he hit in the fifth inning of Game 3 of the 1932 World Series at Wrigley Field in Chicago. Ruth pointed his bat toward the stands, but the exact nature of his gesture remains undetermined. When I met with the doctor, she put things in terms she thought I’d understand. The shot clinic doctor was better than Babe Ruth, she called every shot.
I didn’t miss the point.
Stand Still Parade
Every May, Whalan, Minn. has its Annual Stand Still Parade.
The parade doesn’t move, the spectators do.
Whalan, population 62, wanted a parade. The problem was that the city was only a couple of blocks long, which would mean the parade would be over quickly unless it immediately formed into a traffic jam. Having no parade route can put a crimp in a parade. The spectators stand still or sit in lawn chairs before strolling around the stationary parade units. A friend told me that you know the parade is over when the color guard carries their folding chairs to their cars.
Signing autographs
I had just finished teaching a writing class when a group of students asked if I’d be willing to sign autographs for them. I responded that it would give my life purpose. I signed their autograph books, book bags, and a Kindle cover in my characteristic childish scrawl. My comment about the act giving my life purpose wasn't meant to be snarky. I was sincere. It made me feel as if I had served a purpose and I was delighted to spend time with such fine young writers.
At a highfalutin hotel and I’d left my hoity-toity ways at home
I worked in Scottsdale, Ariz. My employer put me up in the ritziest of places, The Phoenician, situated near the Camelback Mountain. It was a luxury resort of the kind so nifty that I didn’t even dare ask the room rate, for fear there would be a charge for asking questions. There was a loan officer on the premises. Charles H. Keating Jr. built the Phoenician. His name brought back memories. Keating went to prison and symbolized the $150 billion savings-and-loan crisis that came to a head in the 1980s. He was imprisoned after fleecing thousands of depositors with the regulatory help from a group of U.S. senators known as the Keating Five. Keating hired Alan Greenspan, who later became the chairman of the Federal Reserve. Greenspan compiled a report saying that Lincoln’s depositors faced no foreseeable risk and praised its seasoned and expert management. He was wrong. Way wrong. Keating called on five senators who had been recipients of his campaign largess, the aforementioned Keating Five—Alan Cranston of Calif., Donald W. Riegle Jr. of Mich., John Glenn of Ohio, and Dennis DeConcini and John McCain of Ariz.—and they pressured the bank board to relax the rules and kill its investigation. That was naughty. Keating may have been crooked, but The Phoenician appeared both plumb and senatorial.
Customer comments
Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario wrote, "Four out of five people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean the fifth person enjoys it?"
Nature notes
"Why don’t all birds fly?" About 40 species, including penguins, ostriches, emus, and kiwis are flightless. It’s thought that these birds lost their ability to fly due to the lack of predators. There are no flightless species in North America.
Meeting adjourned
"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life, you will have been all of these."--George Washington
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
I'm tired. It’s hard getting up at five.
Big deal. I get up before five every day. It's easy.
I was talking about five in the morning.
Oh.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: everybody is just like you because they think you are just like them.
I’ve learned
Credit should go to those who are willing to take the blame.
We don’t own smartphones. They own us.
If you can’t stand the heat, turn down the thermostat.
Cafe chronicles
I make my wish every spring. I call it my Goldilocks wish. Back when Goldilocks was going through her breaking and entering phase, she found that the Three Bears’ porridge was either too cold, too hot, or just right. The porridge is like our springs. I wish that the spring weather would be just right. It seldom is, but I keep hoping.
At the table of infinite knowledge, one of the seated men whined about his clinic visits. He said that he’d asked the doctor if there was anything that might make him feel better. The doctor replied, "Maybe a telethon."
The friendly waitress highlighted the specials. One was the famed potato salad recipe that everybody had wanted, but the previous owner of the eatery refused to share. When asked, she’d always reply, "You can have that recipe over my dead body." So when she died, she had the potato salad recipe engraved on her tombstone.
A school visit
I had just listened to a young man tell of getting in trouble in school for crowdsourcing a test. In my day, that was called copying from someone else's paper.
I felt his pain. My test papers were always tearable.
The student’s confession reminded me of a poem by Shel Silverstein that goes like this, "Jim copied the answer from Nancy. Sue copied the answer from Jim. Tim copied the answer from Sue and then Anne copied the answer from him. And Fran copied Anne and Jan copied Fran.
The answer kept passing along. And no one got caught, but the problem was Nancy had it wrong."
Old friends in new places
I spoke at some things in Luverne. In the audience was Kerry Boese. Kerry was an intern pastor at Cross of Glory Lutheran Church years ago and was my softball teammate. He now pastors at Hadley Lutheran, Kenneth Lutheran, and Zion Lutheran (Adrian). It was great to see an old and cherished friend. Kerry sent me a note saying that seeing me again was a breath of old but fresh air.
You’re not getting older, you’re getting colder
He accompanied me on a trip I led to Alaska. He was proud of his ancestry, pleased to say, "If it ain’t Dutch, it ain’t much."
I teased him about his inability to remember Alaska’s state flower. It’s the forget-me-not.
He told me that he planned on doing all of his future traveling south of his home. He explained it by saying that as he got older, he got colder.
Did you know?
• One in three of the nation’s counties have more deaths than births.
• The Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index, based on physical and emotional health, lists the top 10 happiest states as 1. North Dakota 2. South Dakota 3. Nebraska 4. Minnesota 5. Montana 6. Vermont 7. Colorado 8. Hawaii 9. Washington 10. Iowa.
• Sternutation is a sneeze or the act of sneezing
Nature notes
"Do hummingbirds migrate in flocks?" They do not. They migrate individually.
"Which field guide to the birds is the best?" They are all good. Browse the field guides available at a library or bookstore. This should help you get a sense of which one would work best for you. I prefer field guides with drawings rather than photographs. Artists use their expertise to help users key in on important field marks. Lighting conditions and differences in the positions of birds could mask important features or emphasize unimportant ones in photos, although the photos are getting better all the time.
Meeting adjourned
Author Jeffrey Marx in "Season of Life: A Football Star, a Boy, a Journey to Manhood," wrote about Gilman High School in Maryland and its highly successful football team. The coaches there have a few unusual rules. No Gilman football player should let another Gilman boy, whether he’s a teammate or not, eat lunch by himself. The players are required to base their thoughts and actions on one simple question, "What can I do for others?"
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club meeting
I was an old lion tamer. I quit last year.
Why did you quit?
I ran out of old lions.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if I were a chicken, an egg would be the same price as a new Cadillac.
If you don’t like the weather, blame the weatherman
I haven't put the snow shovel away yet. I don't want to rile the gods of winter. I spoke at a couple of things in Luverne, Minn. during this reluctant spring. The windshield wipers of my car were employed all the way there and back. Luverne had been suffering from a lack of moisture, as well as temperatures much lower than average. A farmer in that area told me that he’d just planted some corn. He said he was told that corn should be stored where it was dry and cold. That described the soil perfectly.
Mother’s Day
My mother taught me how to cook. Sort of. She showed me how to use a toaster. She taught me the right way to use it. Being able to make toast was a giver of goosebumps. A banquet of burned peanut butter sandwiches moved within my reach.
I have wondered since that time who it is who uses the highest setting on a toaster. And what do they use it for, thawing permafrost?
My mother taught me the right way to do many things. Turning bread into toast was but one of those things.
Happy Mother’s Day.
I wanted to live in a treehouse
Back when the only tablet I had was made by Alka-Seltzer.
Back when our family reunions had an entire table covered with nothing but homemade pies. LOL. That meant "lots of lard."
Back when "The Wizard of Oz" was appointment viewing.
I had received a GE transistor radio and a much-wanted book by John Steinbeck for my birthday.
I placed the radio on top of the book and positioned them on my nightstand so they would be the first things I’d see when I opened my eyes in the morning.
Added to the bouquet of frying bacon and brewing coffee coming from the kitchen, they made for the start of a fine day.
My friends the ex-cons
In the process of chasing the horizon, I drove through Prairieville, Sogn, and Wangs, three Minnesota towns that can’t get much smaller. A stranger waved at me. I waved back. Your cousin who lives there says, "Hi."
As I left Sogn, I listened to an NPR story about our overcrowded prisons.
My grandmother and aunt lived in a very small town in Iowa. It was nearly nonexistent. They lived next to a couple of elderly bachelors. I was told that the two old men had spent time in prison, but neither my aunt nor my grandmother would tell me why. As a boy, I visited often with the two old bachelors, trying to find out why they had been in prison, without asking them. I’d hold up a newspaper showing a headline of some crime and say, "Why would anyone ever do something like this?"
They seemed nice. Maybe prison had changed them?
Customer comments
Viola Nolte of Fairmont began teaching country school in 1935. She had 30 pupils in grades 1 through 8. She was paid $35 a month.
Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario wrote, "The National Institute of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins. The new study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it."
I overheard a coach yelling out instructions during a girls basketball game in Prior Lake, "Guard your man. Don’t let her out of your sight!"
In gratitude
Thank you to all the readers who showed up at the New Richland Public Library and at Barnes & Noble for my book signings.
Nature notes
Doug Bushlack of New Richland asked how to discourage grackles at the feeders. Don’t use tray or platform feeders that allow grackles to land. Tube feeders surrounded by cages work. They allow small birds to enter, but not larger birds. There are feeders with adjustable, weight-activated perches that close when a heavier bird, like a grackle, lands on it. Feeders can be made unappealing by shortening or removing perches. Reduce the amount of seed that birds throw out by replacing seed mixes with black-oil sunflower or hulled sunflower seed. Use safflower. Grackles eat many kinds of seed, but don’t favor safflower.
Meeting adjourned
"Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom." — Theodore Isaac Rubin
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
I'm in a great mood. Do you want to know why?
Who cares?
Now I’m in a lousy mood. Do you want to know why?
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if it hasn’t been done, someone should make Easter candy that consists solely of chocolate bunny ears.
Ask Al
• "Do you ever procrastinate?" Let me get back to you on that.
• "Should chicken be eaten with the fingers?" No, the fingers should be eaten separately.
• "Are or is pants plural or singular?" It is singular at the top and they are plural at the bottom.
• "My husband says he can determine the age of a horse by examining his teeth. Is that true?" No, he should examine the horse's teeth.
• "My dream car was a Pontiac GTO. What does the GTO stand for?" Gas Tires Oil.
The cafe chronicles
I like tater tot hotdish with peas in it. That statement is akin to telling someone that I have diarrhea. It’s important to me, but nobody else cares about it.
I ate my hotdish while he sounded as if he were on a speakerphone. Those seated at the table of infinite knowledge listened whether they wanted to or not. It wasn’t a miracle like all the ladies on "The View" listening would be, but it was close.
He was espousing his views on cable TV. He said that he gets only one channel and it was named, "Why am I watching this channel?"
A day in the life
I was wearing Crocs.
That’s my way of telling the world that I’d given up.
I nibbled at the edges of the day, eating a bagel smeared with honey walnut cream cheese.
I was reading the sports section of a newspaper.
I’ve retired from all sports, but still enjoy reading a bit about them on occasion. I don’t miss the sprained ankles and have learned that an athlete’s joints age with a vengeance.
I was squinting like Dirty Harry. It wasn’t for comedy effect. I was attempting to read the baseball box scores in the paper. The minuscule box scores were printed in faded ink.
Alongside the box scores, a columnist wrote about the New York Yankees star shortstop Derek Jeter getting old.
Big deal. He was Derek Jeter before he got old. He could eat lightning and pass thunder.
Jeter is retiring.
Many of us play sports too long. That’s all right. It teaches us that it’s OK to be bad at some things.
Shopping shenanigans
I was in an office supply store. I’d purchased a printer for a few dollars less than nothing. It seemed like a good deal at the time. Now I’m hooked. My printer is addicted to ink. I go to the store to interact with my printer’s drug dealer when my printer needs a hit of ink.
While there, I looked at office chairs. One had memory foam. I asked if I’d get my money back if the chair forgot me. That store had many items for sale, but I bought nothing but the required ink. William Blake said, "The road to excess leads to the palace of wisdom."
Later, I stopped at a supermarket. I’m not a good shopper. I try to leave the shopping to grownups, but I wanted to see if I had the courage to flourish in a hostile world by visiting two stores in one day. I bought one item in the store. It didn't have a "one item or fewer" lane and the "12 items or less" lane wasn't open.
The cashier rang up my lonely purchase. She asked, "Paper or plastic?"
I responded, "Nothing for me. Some of us know how to shop."
Ophidiophobia
Ophidiophobia is the fear of snakes. It’s a common ailment. One that I’m thankful I don’t have. I don’t know if Jackie Graveman of Albert Lea has this affliction, but when she lived in Hartland, she walked to her job at the bank. In warm weather, she took a shortcut through a grassy vacant lot until she saw the first snake. From then on, she walked on pavement.
Did you know?
Omphaloskepsis is the contemplation of one's navel as part of a mystical exercise.
Nature notes
"How do birds find feeders?" They are drawn to feeders because they see the seed, see or hear birds feeding, have learned to search for bird feeders, or are inquisitive and investigate new things.
Meeting adjourned
Kindness is the noblest weapon to conquer with.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
Here’s a photo of the chicken coop I built.
Why does your chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four, it’d be a chicken sedan.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: flowers become photogenic no matter where they are planted.
I wonder
Do penguins worry about identity theft?
Were sports team mascots born with big heads?
Do turtles lead shelltered lives?
The café chronicles
He didn't give advice. He gave warnings. He was a VHS and cassette tape kind of guy. He believed a basketball team should lose a point for each free throw missed. He allowed that he might have watched too much football last season just as his wife, what's-her-name, thought. He claimed it was better to be a fat man in the cemetery than a thin guy in a stew. He grumbled that "Amen" is the only part of a prayer that everyone knows. Last year, he went to a big city for a family Easter celebration. He said, "If you have a chance to go there, go somewhere else."
Easter is the time when elders lose fillings while eating Peeps.
I recall Easter dinners at my boyhood home fondly. The secret ingredient to those Easter meals was Mom.
My history
"How many of you would like to go to heaven?" asked my Sunday school teacher.
Everyone raised his or her a-few-years-old hands except me.
I got the look.
I explained, "I can't go. My mother told me to come right home after Sunday school."
I could see that being a Sunday School teacher wasn’t in my future.
I looked through Grandma Batt's eyeglasses one day. Wow! Everything was blurry and distorted. I could see the future through those glasses. I knew that I'd be wearing glasses one day.
Hartland history
Marlin (Moon) Schroader and Joe Skophammer are legends around Hartland. Joe owned the local bank, Farmers State Bank, and Moon was a partner in Arlo & Moon’s. Arlo & Moon’s was a gas station that not only sold gas and tires, but also did auto repairs, dispensed wisdom, and was a meeting place for the village’s male elders.
One day the phone rang at Arlo & Moon’s. Moon answered it. The caller identified himself as Joe Skophammer and said that he wanted to have the oil changed in his car. For one reason or another, Moon thought that it was one of his buddies playing a prank. They did that.
Moon told the caller that he could change his own blankety-blank oil. There was an uncomfortable silence on the line. It was then that Moon realized, it was indeed Joe Skophammer calling.
Burma-Shave
Keith Porter of Albert Lea told me that the first Burma-Shave signs were between Albert Lea and Clarks Grove in 1925.
Allan Odell had boards cut into 36-inch lengths and lettered. The original signs didn’t rhyme. Typically, four consecutive signs read, "Shave the modern way. Fine for the skin. Druggists have it. Burma-Shave." After erecting a dozen sets, orders poured in as people asked druggists about the shaving cream they’d seen mentioned on signs.
Customer comments
Roger Lonning of Albert Lea said the only skill needed to be a Minnesotan is the ability to say, "Uffda" and "You betcha." Roger was born in Thor, Iowa. He’s still Thor about that. Roger said that when I visit Iowa, it lowers the state’s average IQ. He was right.
Peggy Swenson of Albert Lee told me that Earl Jacobsen of Albert Lea wore a new suit to a funeral. He told all those who commented on his new duds, "Take a good look. The next time I wear this, you'll see only the front."
Joyce Tabor of Askov asked, "If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?"
Diane Boelter of New Richland retired. She asked her doctor if she was getting shorter. Her physician said that as long as her feet touched the ground, she wasn’t dwindling.
I bought shoes from the Red Wing Shoe Store in Alden. I favored discounted shoes classified as "seconds" due to minor flaws or irregularities. Joel Stensrud of Alden added that once shoes are worn, they become seconds.
Nature notes
"If I handle a baby bird, will its parents detect my scent and abandon it?" It's a myth that parent birds abandon young that have been touched by humans. It's safe to return a fallen nestling to its nest or carry a fledgling to a safer place.
Meeting adjourned
Kindness is wisdom.
Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I wish I were someone else."
"Don’t wish that."
"Don’t you ever wish you were someone else?"
"No, I like myself just the way I am."
"I wish I were you."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: exits are on the way out.
The cafe chronicles
It was a go-to place. A man seated at the table of infinite knowledge was pontificating about wives. He's had four of them and claimed they were getting better and better. He said that his current wife is a very important part of his marriage.
The manager of the co-op said that a friend of his, who is a farmer, had a few good years of farming. So good that he had to hire a bodyguard. After last year's crop, he had to lay off the bodyguard. He’s worried that if he has another year like that, he’ll be working for the bodyguard.
On May 2 of last year, we received 18 inches of snow. I asked the group if that snow went towards last winter's snowfall totals or was added to the coming winter's records. Perhaps they gave nine inches of snow to each.
A fellow meal muncher said, "I’m older now than I’ve ever been. I’m as old as my tongue and a bit older than my teeth."
I’ve been to town
I was in a hotel far from home. I needed some things because I couldn't bring everything with me. I had no car, so I walked to the nearest retail store. A store isn’t my natural habitat, but I enjoy grocery stores because I eat. The question, "Paper or plastic?" does concern me because I'm never sure that I'm giving the right answer. It was a big box store that I ventured into on this particular day. I bought a few things – $8.29 worth. I received a receipt that I thought would never end. Besides the receipt portion, there were coupons, specials, a survey, and a charitable request. The young clerk handed the pile of register tapes to me, saying, "Enjoy your novel."
Driving lessons
I approached a controlled intersection. The busy crossroads had an inordinate amount of broken taillights and headlights resting on the street. I’m sure it was from a recent accident, but maybe law enforcement officers left it there as a warning to other drivers.
A scene from a marriage
I had something I had to tell my wife.
And I hated to do it.
I had to tell her that she was right.
Customer comments
Craig Reynolds from Michigan sent this written by Michael Flanders, "Spring's a lovely season, most wonderful. Missed it last year. Was in the bath."
Emily Falenczykowski-Scott of Mankato said that she had no understanding on how health insurance worked until recently. A reminder to parents to have the "deductible talk" with your children.
Don Luben of Fremont, Neb. said that the reason there are few circuses today is because they have difficulty getting clowns. Most of them are working in Washington, DC.
Tim Engstrom of Albert Lea wrote, "Hartland is so small that the Welcome to Hartland sign and the You Are Leaving Hartland sign are on the same post."
Nature notes
Janet Eastvold of Hartland asked how to discourage cardinals from fighting with windows. Windows can be enemy territory. Birds, fueled by hormones, attack windows that make them feel territorial. Birds are unable to perceive the difference between a reflected image and a real bird. A cardinal engages in beak-to-beak combat with itself. It becomes its own worst enemy. Since the bird in the window won’t retreat, the cardinal prolongs the fight. It’s typically the male that battles the glass with the female acting as an enabler, but she’ll take a shot at her image, too. Robins and cardinals are the most likely to do battle with a Pella or a Marvin, but a diverse group of birds, including turkeys, will attack windows. I recommend patience and empathy. Give the bird time to forgive and forget by blocking the refection from the outside. Covering the inside of the window enhances the reflected image. Cover the outside with cardboard, paper, soap, painter's plastic drop cloth, or plastic cling wrap. This makes Martha Stewart shudder, but it eliminates the reflection. This doesn’t always stop the behavior. The bird may find imaginary opponents in other windows. Putting out a replica of an owl doesn’t work.
Meeting adjourned
Kind words help others realize how good they could be.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
Did you go to that meeting yesterday?
I did.
I thought you weren't going?
I wasn’t, but then I decided that going was the next best thing to not being there.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: there is no exception to the rule that every rule has an exception.
Ask Al
"What is forensics?" Ten.
"What are Hartland residents called?" People.
"How could I attract butterflies to my yard?" Sound like a flower.
"How can I get more cardinals in my yard?" Move to St. Louis or Rome.
Cafe chronicles
At the table of infinite knowledge, retired guys looked back into the past and became tired. The cafe gives them a place to sit and hate other people's jobs. They were fellows who didn’t believe everything they thought. One, with optional hearing, said that he never wore his hearing aids. He's afraid that if he did, people would think he was listening. Another guy kept bringing up the subject of TV so he could tell everyone that he never watched TV.
I said that I’d been to a wild game feed where I’d eaten raccoon. No hush fell over the crowd. They began talking about lutefisk.
A boy at a nearby table bit off the end of a drinking straw cover, dipped the other end in ketchup, and with a puff of breath, blew it toward the ceiling in the hopes that it would find a suitable home and stick there.
That’s what the retired men had done.
Hartland news
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Dane, an Aussie, a German, an American, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Turk, a Greek, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Czech, and a Canadian went to the Snobbish Trapshooting Club, where the elite meet to skeet.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."
Homeward bound
I was trapped in an airport. I spent a night on the floor near my gate. I slept in three-minute intervals between announcements. My delayed flight had been delayed.
I longed to be home. Home is where the heart is and sometimes the luggage. My luggage and I have lived in both Freeborn and Waseca Counties. I remember learning in grade school about the great County War way back when. Some Waseca County residents had thrown dynamite across the county line into Freeborn County. The inhabitants of Freeborn County lit the dynamite and threw it back. That’s how wars start.
Scene from a marriage
My wife thought the horoscope had said that she’d meet a tall, dark man. Actually it had said that she would meet a tall dork. Me.
"What are you thinking about?" she asked.
I was sitting in my favorite chair. That meant I wasn't thinking about anything. I told her that I’d been thinking about the theme song to "Green Acres."
I had been.
With a featherbed
I was hunkered down in a hotel in Ankeny. The weather had been that of winter even though it was spring. At the front door of the hotel, there was a mallard drake quacking furiously. I’ll bet he wanted a room.
Did you know?
• The average person blinks 15-20 times per minute. That's up to 1,200 times per hour and 28,800 times in a day. We spend about 10 percent of our waking hours with our eyes closed.
• Parts of Chicago are food deserts. A food desert is an entire city neighborhood or cluster of neighborhoods without a mainstream grocery store.
• In 1890, the US had 800 German newspapers and at the start of WWI, Baltimore had four elementary schools teaching in German only.
Nature notes
Roger Batt of Algona asked, "Can birds smell?" The apparatus for detecting odors is present in all birds. Shearwaters and fulmars are attracted to the smell of fish oil. Turkey vultures are believed to use their sense of smell to locate carrion. Kiwis, flightless birds from New Zealand, appear to sniff out earthworms. I hope that the great horned owl that eats skunks has a poor sense of smell. Robins are believed to be able to smell worms, goslings use their olfactory sense to find food, and starlings employ a sense of smell to find aromatic green nesting material. Even with the ability to detect odors, a mother bird will accept her baby back after it’s been touched by a human. She’s a mother.
Meeting adjourned
There is always room for a kind word.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
I slipped and fell while ice fishing.
Did the other fishermen laugh?
No, but the ice made a couple of cracks.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: there are few more beautiful winter sights than a plowed road.
The news from Hartland
• Building contractor specializing in tree houses for the elderly declares bankruptcy.
• Gourmet broth maker becomes bouillionaire.
• Study finds that seismology is on shaky ground.
Cafe chronicles
I sat in the "come as you are" section. I ordered a steak as a birthday present to myself. The waitress brought a steak the size of Wyoming. I gave it a look. It reminded me of a Chihuahua that once kept me company. The neighbor had 12 Great Danes. My young son called them deer. The Chihuahua looked at them with that "What is that?" look. I gave that look to a steak bigger than its plate.
Orange they nice
The blizzard caused a school bus ahead of me to stop, back up, turn around, and head south in the northbound lane of the freeway. The bus carried the school's name. Thanks to consolidation, the smaller the school, the longer its name.
I rode a school bus every day. I recall the day that I took a green snake to school for show-and-tell. I carried it in a box with holes punched in it so the snake could have all the air it needed. I’d handwritten "snake" on the side of the box in burnt umber crayon. Arriving at school, I gave the box a slight motivational shake before showing its contents to my teacher.
I’ve grown accustomed to your faith
People talk about giving things up for Lent. Some people claim to be giving up giving up things for Lent. When I was a lad, we had meatless Fridays in the school cafeteria. We were served salmon sandwiches or fish sticks every Friday. It was a penance aimed at Catholics, but it crossed all lines of religious beliefs. We noticed the absence of meat, but in those days, there was separation between church and steak.
Changing
Years ago, I read "The Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka, a story of a traveling salesman, Gregor Samsa, who awoke to find himself transformed into a monstrous insect-like creature, not necessarily a cockroach. Man is capable of turning into other things. Simon and Garfunkel sang about a man who turned into a sandwich. In "The Boxer," the song began, "I am just a poor boy."
A cow whisperer
Betty Morstad of Albert Lea grew up on a farm. As a girl, one of her jobs was to feed the cows. She gave them a special treat, a mixture of ground feed from a couple of 5-gallon buckets. The cows loved the stuff.
One day, the cows got out of the pasture and onto the road. The men in the family scurried about, ready to pursue the cattle on foot and chase them back home. They groused a bit as it was during a particularly busy time on the farm.
Betty grabbed the 5-gallon buckets, banged them together, and the cows came home.
Customer comments
• Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario wrote, "Never lend anything you can’t afford to lose."
• Paul Piper of Minneapolis said that while in college, he ate heavily-buttered and toasted, ketchup sandwiches.
Did you know?
• In Minnesota, 16 percent of adults smoke, ranging from a low of 7 percent in Nicollet County to a high of 35 percent in Mahnomen County.
• Minnesota ranks fourth and Iowa tenth in a Gallup survey, the Well-Being Index. The Index gave perspectives on 55 unique measures of well-being. North Dakota rated number one.
• Minnesota ranked 11th for per capita personal income and Iowa 22nd, according to the U.S. Department of Commerce.
• Florida records more lightning strikes than any other state.
• Wrigley Field is older than the Hoover Dam.
• Katie Francis, a sixth-grade student from Oklahoma City, sold 18,107 boxes of Girl Scout cookies in seven weeks. Her secret was time, commitment, and asking everyone to buy. She sold 12,428 boxes last year.
Nature notes
"Last summer, I drove many miles with a lady beetle clinging to my car’s windshield. How did it do that?" The pads on its feet create surface tension. It’s akin to placing wet paper on a table. Dry paper would be easy to lift, but wet paper clings to the table.
Meeting adjourned
A kind thought unexpressed is like a breath not taken.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
I got a speeding ticket yesterday.
Didn’t you ask the officer for a warning?
I did. He said warnings were all along the road. The speed limit signs.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: it does no good to bury the hatchet if you remember where you buried it.
The news from Hartland
• After making chairs for 25 years, Ken Tucky finally gets a desk job.
• Chiropractor’s office plays nothing but music by The Kinks.
• Snip’s Veterinary Clinic and Taxidermy Shop claims, "Either way you get your pet back."
Be proud of your school
Shel Silverstein wrote, "School. Rain and hail. Cold and snow. Are good excuses not to go."
It didn’t seem like we missed many days of school for any of those reasons when I was an uninspired student, but I’m pleased that I went to such a fine school.
Watching the local girls win the state basketball tournament for the second consecutive year gave many a tear duct a hair trigger.
Birthday on a bun
How many of you have ever had a birthday? Most of you, I’ll bet.
How many of you wanted to be president when you grew up? I suspect that few of you did and those who did have outgrown that desire. I never wanted to be president. I just wanted to be older. My wish has come true. My birthday is on St. Urho’s Day. St. Urho was created in northern Minnesota and Urho was credited with chasing the grasshoppers out of Finland and saving the legendary vineyards there. Some curmudgeons claim that St. Urho’s Day was created the day before St. Patrick’s Day to allow for two drinking holidays in a row. A statue in Menahga depicts the saint with a giant grasshopper speared on his pitchfork.
The good folks at the National Eagle Center made me a birthday hotdog. The candles were placed into the meat and "Happy Birthday, Al" was inscribed on a paper plate in mustard and catsup. It was a great idea and I was touched. The only fly in the ointment was that the candles melted into the hotdog.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
Some of the township elders wore long underwear all year. They claimed it kept them warm in the winter and cool in the summer. Maybe so, but I noticed that they sometimes rolled up their sleeves in the summer.
It was in the days that if the phone rang after 9:30 p.m., it was never good news.
It was during a time when our house had a single fan for cooling and an AM radio for entertainment.
A time when my mother woke me by saying, "Get out of bed. It's Monday morning. Tomorrow is Tuesday. The next day is Wednesday. Half the week is gone already and you haven't done anything but sleep."
I wanted chickens. My grandmother gave me some. They came with chores--feeding, cleaning, and picking eggs. I gathered eggs from broody banty hens. They didn’t want to give up the hen fruit. They were the original angry birds.
The Hartland Herald
Tom Donovan of Hartland says that city needs a historical museum. There is no shortage of things to fill such a facility. Small towns are rich in history and museums preserve memories. Tom said that Lars Anderson, Rob Sibilrud, and others have many museum-appropriate items. Museums are important because we forget what happened yesterday.
Did you know?
"Weatherwise" magazine had an article titled, "The 10 Best Places in the World." It provided an evaluation of climates that are most suitable to human habitation. Number one on the list was Vina del Mar, Chile. Others on the list were Lisbon, Portugal, Casablanca, Morocco, San Diego, Calif., and, of course, Hartland, Minn.
Nature notes
Tom Jessen of Madelia wrote, "I witnessed two cottontail rabbits doing their bunny hop. They seemed to like performing on the driveway as it afforded room for the leaping and bouncing. Are these males trying to prove who's the better guy or is it a male and female on the dance floor?" The answer to your question would be yes and yes. During the mating season, males often fight with one another. The male and female also perform a kind of mating dance. The male chases the female. Eventually the female stops, faces the male, and boxes at him with her front paws. At some point, one of them leaps into the air and then the other does the same. Sometimes a number of males pursue a single female. As mad as a March hare is what they become.
Meeting adjourned
Tell people something nice for their own good.
More...
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
You are always in a bad mood.
I tried being in a good mood once.
What happened?
It put me in a bad mood.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: life goes by so quickly that it's a wonder anyone has time to grow old.
The news from Hartland
• Technicolored Sardines, a tropical fish store, opens.
• Judge sentences chronic jaywalker to serve jail time online.
• Square dancing club presents the war of the whirls.
Chicago
I flew to Chicago for work without once flapping my arms.
I used my see-through suitcase. If I can't see it, I know I’ve forgotten it.
I folded into a small seat. I became a human origami. I wondered if those in first class were headed to the same place. The plane was packed.
I can go anywhere as long as I remember where I’m from.
The yellow rows of taxis outside the airport have become rainbow-colored.
Parking in Chicago was terrible. It was like finding a noodle in haystack. It took me forever to locate a parking place. I was happy I didn't have a car. Car owners shoveled their parked cars free of snow. When they moved the cars, it’s a tradition to place lawn furniture, tables, chairs, or laundry baskets in the parking space to hold the spot. This practice of marking a claimed spot is called "dibs."
Chicago reminded me what horns are for. There was incessant honking and beeping at drivers who were either too cautious or too daring.
I dined with friends at the original Lou Malnati’s pizzeria in Lincolnwood. The iconic restaurant served me Chicago-style deep-dish pizza. I felt at home. On the wall next to my table was a framed Minnesota Twin uniform signed by Harmon Killebrew.
When shaving cream attacks
The rooster had not yet crowed. It was well before 5 a.m. I was trying to shave in front of a hotel mirror that was far too short for me to see my face if I stood upright. I had to stoop over. I pushed the top of a pressurized can of shaving cream. Half the lather shot out. I know what you’re thinking. How old was that shaving cream? I don't know for sure, but the eighties made some great shaving cream. Its age wasn't the problem. The problem was trying to get the unused lather back into the can.
Pushing the pumpkin down the court
The girls basketball game between the Waterville Buccaneers and the New Richland–Hartland-Ellendale-Geneva Panthers was at Minnesota State University, Mankato. The public address announcer tried to turn the local team into the New Hartland–Richland–Ellendale-Geneva Buccaneers, an idea that would find no support. The Waterville fans presented a gigantic head of their head coach. It wasn’t his real head. It was a cardboard replica much larger than his real noggin. I liked basketball better when a player called for a foul, raised his or her hand. I don’t know when that stopped. The Panthers emerged victorious and when I walked outside after the game, something odd happened. No, I wasn't abducted by space aliens and subjected to painful probes. What happened was that as I walked to the car, I noticed that I couldn't see my breath. It was too warm. It was a nice night.
Another night
The defending state champion NRHEG girls won their next game. That meant they were returning to the state tournament. The game was never seriously in doubt. The highlight for me was that two of my granddaughters were able to have their photos taken with the Panther hoopsters. That was better than weather so warm that I couldn’t see my breath.
The Hartland Herald
If I had a good neighbor award to give, I’d give it to the Jim and Julie Knutson family. They epitomize the term "good neighbors" in many ways and they keep my drive cleared of snow. There are few more beautiful winter sights in Minnesota than a plowed road. I'm never sure which Knutson is doing the task as they wear winter disguises.
Thanks to all who attended or volunteered at Groove 4 Food for the NR Area Food Shelf. You made the world a better place.
I enjoyed watching Zach Wessels play for Austin in the boys state basketball tournament. Zach is the grandson of Ole and Connie Smidt, former residents of Hartland. It’s a treat watching the Wagner sisters play for NRHEG. They are the grandchildren of long-time Hartland residents, John and Joie Somage.
Did you know?
• The U.S. urban population surpassed the rural in the 1920 Census.
• Only 17 percent of Americans currently contribute to an IRA.
Nature notes
"Why don't I ever see dead squirrels? Is there a squirrel graveyard?" I often see dead squirrels on the roads. Sick or injured squirrels likely crawl to secluded spots to die. Squirrels are easily consumed or dragged away by scavengers. There is no squirrel graveyard.
Meeting adjourned
Running down others brings no praise to you. Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“It took me two hours to gather one egg in the henhouse.”
“Why so long?”
“The hen fruit kept moving. It was suffering from restless egg syndrome.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: when you put things back where they belong, you can never find them.
The news from Hartland
• Local man, age 86, finishes marathon. He began the marathon when he was 55.
• Fifty Shades of Gary treated at emergency room after he turned down the thermostat in front of his wife.
• The Taxidermy Cafe promises to stuff its customers.
The "check your will" light came on
The check engine light came on in the car. It does so frequently. When it happens, I take it into the shop and they perform some sort of magic and the light goes off. I considered putting duct tape over the light, but have resisted doing that so far. Each time it comes on I have an interrobang about it. An interrobang, a punctuation mark that combines a question mark and an exclamation point, is used at the end of a simultaneous question and exclamation.
The car has been a loyal and faithful servant, unlike some of my past vehicles, such as the rattletrap that I knew was out of oil when it stopped leaking oil.
The check engine light reminded me that my wife and I should update our wills. We need to make sure that our debt goes to the right place when we’re no longer around to shepherd it.
When we arrived at the attorney’s office and we’d covered the prerequisite small talk, the lawyer said, "Now, which one of you wants to go first?"
My neighbor
The east-west roads are the worst winter roads. Those who live on north-south roads might not agree. They are wrong.
She lives on an east-west road. This winter has been the longest she could remember. She hunkered down and amused herself by scraping the window on her microwave and by watching her cat chase mice. It's an event in the cat Olympics. Unfortunately, her feline is of the catch-and-release set. My neighbor doesn't spend much time outdoors. She isn't a smoker. She participates in some outdoor activities. Particularly the one in which she needs to climb over snowbanks in order to cross the street. She has turned up the thermostat in the hopes it would make spring feel welcome. Her brother and his family decided to take an extended vacation in Arizona. She stayed home. Her brother's family returned home and paid her a visit. One of them gave her a cold brought back from Arizona. With both family and winter, it helps to have a forgiving spirit.
Cafe chronicles
It was a great conversation at the We’re Still Here Cafe. Everyone had his or her own topic.
A woman, mother of many children, told everyone who she thought should know that she'd spent about half her life in labor. She runs a cat rescue. She is so dedicated to helping cats, that when she dies, she wants to be cremated and her remains put into the cat litter.
Customer comments
Sheryl Young of Sandusky, Ohio wrote, "I am sure you have experienced snow atop your car thawing and refreezeing until it is rock hard, then when you suddenly slow to stop or turn, it breaks loose and comes crashing down across your windshield scaring the whatever out of you. I call that an autolanche."
Did you know?
According to a study from "Apartment Guide," an entry-level one-bedroom apartment in Williston, N.D. has, on average, the highest rent in the nation. A 700 square-foot, one bedroom apartment in Williston costs an average of $2,394 a month. Dickinson ranks fourth at an average of $1,733 a month. Boston is sixth, New York is seventh, Los Angeles is eighth, and Chicago didn’t crack the top 10.
Nature notes
Wayne and Shirley Gunderson of Albert Lea asked where great horned owls nest and how many young they have. The great horned owl uses a variety of nest sites, including trees, cliffs, buildings, and occasionally the ground. It doesn’t make its own nest, typically taking over nests in trees made by other species such as hawk, crow, heron, or squirrel. It will nest in tree hollows or broken snags. It typically lays one to four eggs.
Meeting adjourned
If you must choose between being right or being kind, choose being kind and you will always be right.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
I lost my wedding ring.
Oh, no. Do you know where you lost it?
Yes, in the divorce.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: time disappears while you're trying to find it.
I’ve learned
• A liar’s pants don’t really catch on fire.
• Charlie Brown taught us that grief is good.
• The most effective part of a home remedy is the home.
The news from Hartland
• Watch leeches guard Sushi’s Bait Shop.
• The Bath Ambulance Service reminds everyone, "When seconds count, we’re just minutes away."
• Study finds that real-life violence leads to violence on TV.
Ask Al
• "What can I do to curb greenhouse gases?" Paint your house a different color.
• "How do you decide when to attend a funeral?" I wait until the person is dead.
• "How do crickets make sounds by rubbing their legs together?" They wear corduroy pants.
Up the street, the snow was coming down
Misery loves company. That's why it hangs out with winter.
Victor Hugo wrote, "Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face."
Bill Thompson of Marietta, Ohio, said that on his visit to Minnesota in February, the snowplows were always headed the wrong direction.
There are more miles than snowplows.
Pete Steiner of Mankato calls this year’s version the "energizer winter." It just keeps going and going and going."
Icealanche
The iced tea was nearly gone. The ice in the glass stuck to it until I tipped it too severely. Then it became an icealanche, creating a small problem on my lap.
We all have problems. I'll bet you’d like to do away with yours, wouldn’t you? It’s easy.
Open a new folder on your computer and name it, "Your problems." Then hit the "delete" key. Your computer will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete 'Your problems' permanently?" Click "Yes" and your problems will be gone.
The five-day forecast
I walked into the biting wind. Tears ran. The wind was against me. On my return walk, the wind was at my back. That was good. It was more fun going home then leaving.
Winter is a Janus season. It has two faces — both frozen. Sunlight leaned through a window. It delighted me, but it did even more. It brought hope. We can take the cold as long as the sun shines, the result of a solar energy spill. I felt good until I listened to the five-day weather forecast. Here it is.
What?
Are you kidding me?
No way!
Why does anyone live here?
Run for your lives!
Off to see the blizzard
I spoke in Hibbing. A woman said she used a gazinta during her childhood. To me, a gazinta is something used by Jethro Bodine on the old TV series "The Beverly Hillbillies" to indicate he was practicing his division. You know, two gazinta six, three times. Gazinta is "goes into." The woman meant something else. To her, a gazinta was a whispering kettle, slop jar, or chamber pot. A portable vessel used in a bedroom as a toilet.
Hibbing was the home of singer Bob Dylan, basketball player Kevin McHale, baseball player Roger Maris, businessman Jeno Palucci, Governor Rudy Perpich, and attorney Vincent Bugliosi.
While driving there, I watched the changing of drivers on an entrance ramp. The couple high-fived as they passed the front of the parked car on their way to new positions.
We celebrate minor victories when winter has been here since fall.
Ground blizzard
I remember when we didn't have ground blizzards. Those were the good old days. A ground blizzard makes for longer drives and caused the postponement of my appearance at the New Richland Public Library on February 26. I’ll be there on April 30 at 7 p.m. I look forward to seeing you.
Customer comments
• Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario, wrote, "I didn't watch the Olympics. I don't support winter."
• John Hurd of North Mankato sent this, "Some people make lemonade when they are given lemons, some people get snow and have snow fun."
Did you know?
• Six percent of users name their cellphones.
• Nimrod, a mighty warrior and hunter, was Noah’s great grandson.
• Research suggests that ascending one step at a time burns more calories than taking multiple stairs at a time.
Nature notes
Bob Hess of Luther, Mich., asked about the color change of goldfinches. Starting in September, for six to eight weeks, American goldfinches molt all their feathers, growing a new set of drab-colored feathers going into winter. In spring, tired of resembling accountants, they grow new body feathers. The male acquires a bright, yellow breeding plumage, but his wing and tail feathers remain from the fall. As these feathers age, their pale buff edges fade, leaving them black.
Meeting adjourned
"Kindness wields a sword of light against the darkness." — Richelle Goodrich
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“Man, I love salt. I put it on almost everything I eat.”
“You know, eating that much salt is a slow death.”
“That’s OK, I’m in no hurry.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: There is no good weather or bad weather. There is only weather.
The news from Hartland
• The blizzard of Oz hits the Emerald City.
• High school band member is suspended for an act of cymbal disobedience.
• Local business makes bandstands by removing the chairs.
The cafe chronicles
A group of widowers and bachelors meet each morning for coffee. They call themselves the ROMEOs, Real Old Men Eating Out.
The "Eating Out" is a misnomer. All they do is drink decaffeinated coffee.
The waitress had made it her life’s goal to sell food to one of the ROMEOs.
They teased her by asking what the specials were and if the pie was from this century, but they ordered nothing but coffee.
"What is the soup du jour?" asked one of the Romeos.
The waitress perked up. No ROMEO had ever asked her that before.
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," said the ROMEO. "What is it now?"
Maybe not to the nines, but he was dressed at least to the fives
The high school basketball coach wore a suit and tie to the game. He had not dressed up like that for a game before. His team, firmly entrenched near the bottom of the conference, was playing the undefeated conference leader.
When asked why he’d donned the dandy duds, he replied, "I dress up when I go to a funeral."
His team lost, but played well.
Maybe it was the suit.
Winter weary
It was stupid cold. I rejoiced that the temperature wasn’t in Celsius. I was hunkered down somewhere in Minnesota. Everywhere looks similar in a blizzard. Someone had flipped winter’s "on" switch and forgot to turn it off. We are filled to the brim with snow, cold, ice, and wind.
We have the winter Olympics here every year. Only we call it getting out of the driveway.
It has been a long winter. I can tell. My snow shovel is bent from me leaning on it.
A customer of this column sent this written by The Bard of Sherman Avenue, "Below zero or snowing? Not likely, he's going."
I enjoy aphorisms. An aphorism is a short pithy saying expressing a general truth. Yogi Berra is as famous for his goofy aphorisms as he is for being a baseball player. Yogi said, "I really didn't say the things I said."
Mark Twain is credited for offering fresh words of essential wisdom long after his death. It’s highly unlikely that Albert Einstein ever said, "Compound interest is man’s greatest invention" or "The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax," two statements credited to him.
There are many aphorisms about winter. Few are printable.
We have developed a winter-take-all attitude. There is a 50-50 chance that winter will end early. It either will or it won’t.
A thankless job
I watched workmen erect a new stop sign. Someone, a car or snowplow, had knocked the old one down.
They have a thankless job. They put up stops signs that people ignore whenever possible.
The only feedback they receive is when someone clips off one of their works.
Nature notes
"How do ducks' feet keep from freezing in open water this time of the year?" Waterfowl have a heat exchange system in their legs. It’s a specialized circulatory system designed to reduce heat loss through the feet when in cold water. The arteries and veins in the legs lie in contact with each other and function as a countercurrent heat exchange system to retain heat. It reminds me of the gurgling radiator in my junior high study hall. Arterial blood reaching the feet is cooled and venous blood reaching the core is warmed. A duck may further decrease heat loss by reducing the amount of blood flow to their feet at low temperatures by constricting the blood vessels in its feet. The core temperature of a duck standing on ice may be 104 degrees F, but its feet may be only slightly above freezing.
Meeting adjourned
"Every time you do a good deed, you shine the light a little farther into the dark. And the thing is, when you're gone, that light is going to keep shining on, pushing the shadows back."--Charles de Lint.