Compostings (267)
Echoes from the Loafers' Club Meeting
Do you know the difference between a chicken and an opossum?
No.
Well, I hope you don't do the grocery shopping for your family.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I’m a good friend to my garage door. I can always lift it up when it is down.
The cafe chronicles
After a parade, I’d held the door for a guy entering the cafe. I hold a mean door. I’d held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
A sign on the cafe’s wall said, "Free sympathy to anyone with a scar." Another read, "Free breakfast. Tomorrow only."
"Why doesn't AARP offer a senior discount on its membership fees?" I asked in the hopes of inspiring some conversation.
I ate at my kind of diner in Sterling, Illinois. It was named, "Eggs in Paradise." The breakfast was scrumptious. It eliminated those of the glum face. The waitress brought the bill, saying that it was my ticket out of there.
The breakfast reminded me of my father and what could have been any fast food restaurant, but it wasn't. My father was a meat and potatoes guy. He came to visit me in college. I took him to a McDonald’s for lunch. He’d never been there. He didn’t care what he ate as long as bread, meat, and potatoes were included. We ordered burgers and fries. We ate while talking of family things and the weather. I asked how he liked the burger.
"If this is beef, some cow ought to be ashamed of itself," he replied.
I should have gotten him a Happy Meal.
I met up with a local named Tim Keller. He's a prairie plants aficionado. He goes by Tim because when someone calls and asks for George, he knows it's a telemarketer.
As I left Sterling, I drove by an enterprise offering tattoos, piercings, and live bait. That's a nice combination. I can't tell you how many times when I've been getting a tattoo or a body piercing, that I’ve said to myself, "Boy, I could use some live bait."
He’s no loafer
A friend drives a bread truck. He has a route where he delivers bread to stores. I saw him in one of those stores recently. He walked towards me to shake my hand. I couldn't help but say, "Bread man walking."
It was fairly nice
The attendance for the 12 days of the 2014 Minnesota State Fair was 1,824,830, topping the previous record of 1,790,497 set in 2009. The weather was agreeable and the economy improving.
I’ve worked at the fair for years. My habit was to have breakfast at Epiphany Diner, a dining hall featuring traditional meals. It’s no longer in operation. Things drenched in gravy couldn’t compete with deep-fried butter on a stick. I miss Epiphany Diner. I truly understood hash browns for the first time there.
The Holstein
The Holstein is a retired dairy cow, so she has the time to talk. "Knock-knock,'" she said.
"Who’s there?" I asked.
"Interrupting cow," she responded.
"Interrup-"
"Moo!" said the interrupting Holstein.
Customer comments
Charles Christianson of Monticello told me that he has made 18 trips to Norway. His guide, Einar, speaks Norwegian, English, Danish, and German — often in the same sentence.
Mary Ebnet of New Richland said that Brenda Johnson of the same city had turned the speed limit. Mary wasn’t sure if that speed limit is for a gravel road or an Interstate highway.
Kathy Spooner of Hartland says she thinks of me when she watches a baseball game on TV and sees, "At Bat."
Al Batt of Hartland writes, "Happy anniversary to my lovely wife, Gail. Together is a good place to be."
Party in the park
My thanks to Vista Covenant Church for the Party in the Park in New Richland. I had a great time.
Nature notes
Dave Swanson of Glenville asks if feeding hummingbirds in the fall will keep them from migrating. It will not. There are a number of factors that trigger the urge for hummingbirds to migrate, but the most significant one is day length. When the days get shorter, the hummingbirds move on, regardless if there are feeders or not. Keep the feeders for a time after you’ve seen the last hummingbird in case there are stragglers in need of energy to complete their long journey south.
Meeting adjourned
"The only people with whom you should try to get even are those who have helped you."—John E. Southard
It’s not officially over, but sayanora, summer
Written by Jim LutgensEchoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
I want two hamburgers.
How do you want them?
One with onions and one without.
Which one do you want without the onions?
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: driver’s license photos are never used in obituaries.
Sayanora, summer
Summer doesn't officially end until September 22, but kids and parents know better. School starts and summer is over.
The neighbor boy didn’t care much for school. To him, every textbook was a mystery novel.
I liked school. It sharpened the brain. When caught sleeping in class, I lifted my head and said, "Amen."
Paparazzi pester the nonagenarian
She didn't like being called a little, old lady. She’d always been little. She preferred being called an old, little lady.
Despite the fact that life can be like walking through spider webs, she’d managed to reach her 90th birthday. Once she reached that milestone, odd things happened. Friends and relatives wanted their photos taken with her. She felt like a sunset.
An unimpressive hole-in-one
A fellow in Sterling, Illinois told me that he played too much golf. His wife wasn’t happy about his addiction to the links. He knew that he should cut back, but he couldn’t. He might be able to now that he’d gotten a hole-in-one. He scored the ace and rushed home to share the news with his wife. After he blurted out his remarkable achievement, she asked, "How did the other guys do?"
Cannibal sandwich
When my ancestors arrived in covered wagons, they brought covered dishes with them. I like hotdishes.
I was summoned to Shawano, Wisconsin. A man I’d met while speaking in Appleton invited me to a cannibal sandwich lunch. This concoction was originated in French restaurants. Some folks call it steak tartare. It's raw beef, raw egg yolk, and a slice of onion served on rye bread. The meat was so rare, a veterinarian could have saved the cow. My sandwich ate the corn off a plate at the next table.
Take me out to the ballgame
I played softball at a high level. Third grade. Actually, I played softball forever. I played until people started asking, "Didn’t you used to play ball?" They asked that during games in which I was playing.
One day, my cousin Russell Hauenstein was playing for Emmetsburg High School. He’d just pitched and his arm was exhausted. They we were playing Algona and their other pitcher was struggling. The coach asked Russ if he could pitch.
Russ said that he could as long as he threw nothing but slow curve balls.
Russ pitched as another cousin of mine, Swede Batt of Burt, umpired. The game did not go the way Russ would have liked.
After the game, Swede asked Russ why he hadn't started. Russ replied that he had no arm left and shouldn't have been pitching. Swede said, "Don’t worry, you weren't."
They say
Julie Knutson of Hartland said that a group of lambs raised by her sons were named for the characters on the TV sitcom, "Seinfeld." There was Jerry, George, Kramer, Elaine, Newman, etc. Each of the lambs took on the personality of its namesake.
My wife Gail, also known as Poor Mrs. Batt, is concerned that The Village Inn, the local eatery, might close if it isn’t sold. She suggests that if such an unfortunate event happens, the restaurant should be turned into The Hartland Test Kitchens.
Customer comments
Eric Johnson of Fairmont said that standardization would be a good idea in hotel showers.
A young man wore a T-shirt at the Martin County Fair that read, "Pigs, the inventors of bacon."
Wayne Wakefield of St. Paul wrote, "Garrison, Minnesota claims to be the smallest town in the world with a McDonald's. I think it’s smaller than Hartland." (Garrison’s population was 210 in the 2010 census).
Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario sent this, "Nobody is sicker than a man who is sick on his day off."
JENean Mortenson of Faribault wrote, "I love all your columns as they make me feel normal."
Gunnar Berg of Albert Lea sent this, "The primary function of hubcaps is not a style statement; they are lug nut trays."
Nature notes
A bald eagle is a bit longer on average than a golden eagle, but a golden eagle slightly outweighs the bald.
Meeting adjourned
"The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being." — The Dalai Lama
Echoes from the Loafers' Club Meeting
It takes 43 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile.
That so?
Yes. So why are you frowning?
I need the exercise.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: it isn’t a small town if it has a McDonald’s.
I’ve learned
A candle’s flame smells like burned nose hairs.
A squirrel is a tree hugger.
Not to pay as I go until I’ve paid for where I’ve been.
The news from Hartland
• Bump Whistlebritches loses his driver’s license for listening to the same Kenny G CD in his car for the past six years.
• Conan the Barber reminds customers to remove their hats before sitting in the chair.
• Student complains that the Art appreciation class taught by Art Johnson has no purpose other than giving Art the chance to brag.
Ask Al
• "Are zebras related to horses?" Yes, a zebra is a black horse with Venetian blinds.
• "Who’d want to live to be 100?" Ask me the same question when you are 99.
• "Is a fish considered a success if it’s able to keep its head below water?" Yes, but it’s all a matter of scale.
• "Who lives the longest?" A rich relative.
An excursion to Emmetsburg
I visited Emmetsburg to gather with cousins. Work assignments had dictated a meandering route, with more cones on the roads than at a Dairy Queen. I arrived early, so I went for a walk along Five Island Lake. It was a beautiful day, butterflies fluttered by. I encountered a young fellow walking two dogs on leashes. All three appeared friendly. One dog was large, the size of a Rottweiler. The other was tiny, like a Yorkshire terrier. The big dog barked once. The auxiliary dog yapped in support. A woofer and a subwoofer, I supposed.
Dunking doughnuts
I came across a coffee-flavored doughnut recently. That’s nothing new. When I was a whippersnapper, I dunked cake doughnuts into my father’s cups of coffee often. I don’t drink coffee, but I have pleasant recollections of my doughnut-dunking days. The coffee-flavored doughnut caused me to wander over acres of memories.
I recall working and being a tourist in England. I had high tea at a posh hotel. I like tea. The cup came with scones and a sandwich the size of a quarter. It was one of those sandwiches in which they had forgotten to put a sandwich in. It had a cucumber slice in it. I don't think you can get those at McDonald’s.
I considered dunking it in my tea.
You can’t have too many friends
Joel DeNeui of Blue Earth referred to someone as his distant friend-in-law. That’s a great term for a friend of a friend.
A woman told me that she’d just seen a "hi bye friend." That describes a person she’d say "hi" and "bye" to, but little more.
A taradiddle
The neighbor was a full-time pastor and a part-time farmer. He studied the Bible as he did his farm chores. One day, he lost the Bible somewhere on his farm. It wasn't just a Bible. It was his confirmation Bible. He fretted. He stewed. He prayed for its return. One day, a neighbor’s cow walked up with the Bible in her mouth. The pastor was gobsmacked.
"It’s a miracle!" he cried.
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was in it."
Customer comments
• Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario writes, "I don't always remember what I had for lunch the day before. I always have the same thing for breakfast. That way I can remember something from yesterday."
• Alan McBride of Preston, England, sends this, "Cashew: the sound of a nut sneezing."
Did you know?
• "The Economist" rates San Francisco as the most liberal US city. Washington, DC, was second, Seattle third, and Minneapolis sixth. The most conservative city was Mesa.
• Arby’s restaurant got its name from its founders, Leroy and Forrest Raffel, the Raffel Brothers, or "RB’s."
• Bananas are the world's largest fruit crop and the fourth-largest crop after wheat, rice, and corn.
Nature notes
"Do feeders become busier when a storm is coming?" Birds don’t wait for holidays to overeat. Low-pressure brings storms, meaning birds might have difficulty feeding and are forced to hunker down. They stock up just as we do when we run to the supermarket when storms are predicted.
Meeting adjourned
"Leave everyone you meet better than you found them. Become an encourager of potential versus a destroyer of confidence." — Robin Sharma
Echoes from the Loafers' Club Meeting
How much is the sweet corn?
It’s $6 a dozen.
Did you raise it yourself?
I did. Yesterday it was $5 a dozen.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: a roof of a car makes a terrible cup holder.
The cafe chronicles
The sign read, "Searching for healthy options? You’re in the wrong place."
"Feather, leather, or fin?" asked the waitress.
A farmer, taking a break from a battle until death with thistles, said it had rained so hard that it was a pumpkin floater. He was in his 60s and trying to remember the 60s. He wasn't a vegetarian in the strictest sense. He ate meat with every meal. He ate sweet corn just as he attended church, seasonally. He had three speeds — slow, stop, and reverse. He’d given his wife a single rose for their anniversary. It made her happy. He preferred a cornfield to flowers.
Flying pigs
Lewis Carroll wrote, "The time has come, the Walrus said, To talk of many things: Of shoes — and ships — and sealing wax — Of cabbages — and kings — And why the sea is boiling hot — And whether pigs have wings."
I read about driverless cars — something close to flying pigs, but nothing new. I see driverless cars each day. The drivers are texting.
I don’t text while driving, but I do read bumper stickers on the vehicles ahead of me at red lights. They give me something to not text about.
Township thistles
Tom Donovan of Hartland said that his father, also named Tom, was a township officer. Tom the elder once responded to complaints about thistles growing on a farmer’s land. He visited the farmer and advised the man to do something about the weeds. The farmer protested by saying, "You have more thistles on your farm than I do."
Tom’s father replied, "That’s true, but I have nicer neighbors."
Crabapple helmets
Ted Hedberg of St. James said that when he and his brother were boys, they’d determined that crabapples were meant to be thrown at one another. Great battles ensued. Their mother worried that they might be injured, but she knew that it was difficult to discourage such behavior. Boys threw things. She lessened her concerns by making her sons wear football helmets when the crabapples flew. The boys wore the football helmets because they were football helmets.
You couldn’t feel the electricity in the air
A car hit a power pole. There were no injuries, but our home was without power for five hours. I found myself flipping light switches even though I knew there was no electricity. Force of habit is a force to be reckoned with. We don’t just talk about the weather. We say, "Is the electricity still off?" too.
Measuring manure piles by the foot
Talking to plants is supposed to increase their vitality. I said nice things to my sweet corn, but my words fell on deaf ears.
Live and learn. I recall stepping out of the barn. It was spring. I could tell because the manure pile, that offered a shortcut, was thawing. John Burroughs wrote, "Leap and the net will appear." I leaped. No net appeared. I sank into the muck, which released a familiar fragrance. I became stuck and yelled, "Fire!"
My father rescued me.
"Why did you yell 'fire,'" he asked.
"Would you have come if I’d hollered 'manure'?"
A millionaire writes
The assignment was to write an essay titled, "What would you do if you were a millionaire." I turned in a blank sheet of paper. My teacher questioned my work. I told her that was what I’d have done if I had $1 million.
I became one of the "following people," as in when a school announcement said, "Will the following people please report to the principal’s office..."
Treppenwitz
Treppenwitz is a German word meaning "stairway wit." It's that crippling rejoinder that you think of as you go down the stairs when leaving a party.
Years ago, I visited a man at a nursing home. I didn't know him, but was told that he didn't get many guests. So I called on him. A few weeks later, when I saw his obituary in the newspaper, I remembered his last words to me. They weren’t a soulful farewell or a treppenwitz. His words were, "I should have bought that anvil."
Nature notes
A great horned owl looks bigger than its average size of slightly over 3 pounds, 22 inches long, and 44-inch wingspan.
Meeting adjourned
"Kindness gives birth to kindness."—Sophocles
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
I’d give $5000 to someone to do all my worrying for me.
I'll do it. Where's my $5000?
That's your first worry.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: don't take the scenic route if you don't have the time to look.
I’ve learned
It's always dullest before the yawn.
To forgive what I can't forget and to forget what I can't forgive.
Cheerful people have fewer colds. The surly bird catches the germ.
The cafe chronicles
He was a roll model down at the bakery and claimed to be the valedictorian of his class at the school of hard knocks.
He said, "I’ve finally discovered what’s wrong with my brain. On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left."
I enjoyed my visit. He offered the discernment of age mixed with the boldness of a boy. He had no plans for the day other than being there.
An episode from a marriage
My wife and I have a strange and wonderful marriage. I'm strange and she's wonderful.
I told her that there had been an earthquake during the night. It had given me quite a fright.
The same earthquake returned the next night. It turned out to be a young guy driving by in a Pontiac Grand Am with the windows rolled down and the bass of its radio turned way up.
Nearly raining at the gas pump
It was so cloudy, I couldn’t have given a bottle of suntan lotion away. I knew it was going to rain. Ants carried umbrellas. Butterflies formed rowing teams. Chipmunks wore lifejackets.
I played a spirited game of 20 questions with a gas pump. I pushed this button and that button. Once, I pushed the wrong button and had to start over. I wasn’t unhappy about that. My misbehaving forefinger made me happy that I hadn’t become a surgeon.
At the next pump was a young man wearing a T-shirt reading, "Will be quiet for $100. Will be awesome for free." Some folks can talk for an hour on any subject. He was one of those who could talk for an hour without any subject. He said that he’d been named employee of the year at his workplace. He added, "I work for my Grandma."
Beloved sweet corn
Our house looks lived in. The burners on the stove all work (that hasn’t always been the case), but the toilet handle needs jiggling. Our abode is a smile in siding and shingles. Things aren't perfect, but we get sweet corn.
Is the first sweet corn of the summer really that good or is it because we want it to be that good? Or is it a delectability enhanced by anticipation?
Working at the fair
I nodded at people walking by. I bobbed my head. I was pretending it was Al Batt bobblehead night at the fair. I struggled to get a signal good enough to return calls on my cellphone. I may have moaned and groaned.
"You don't own one, do you?" I asked the man sitting nearby, as I nodded or bobbed towards my cellphone.
The man smiled and replied, "No, but seeing how much enjoyment it brings you, I'm going to get one as soon as possible."
Adjusting the rearview mirror on an old address
I took driver training from Mr. Lillesve. He stressed the importance of adjusting the rearview mirror. All good driving instructors did that. I paid attention. Whenever anything goes wrong with my car--stuck in snow, won't start, etc.--I adjust the rearview mirror.
I received a letter improperly addressed. It carried a post office sticker telling me that I was fortunate that the letter had been delivered. It was my old address, the one I’d had before the county moved me from Rural Route 1 to a 911 address that’s supposed to make it easier for others to find me whether I want to be found or not. I called the outfit that sent the letter. I’d requested a change of address many times over the years.
"What do I have to do to change the address on my account?" I asked.
"Move," replied the customer service representative.
Did you know?
During its five seasons, "The Brady Bunch" received marginal ratings, reaching number 34 in Nielsen ratings at its peak.
Nature notes
Leaves of three, let it be. Leaves of five, let it thrive. Poison ivy has three leaves, Virginia creeper five.
Meeting adjourned
"Forget injuries; never forget kindness." — Confucius
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
How much do you weigh?
I weigh 237 pounds.
Wow!
That’s pretty normal for someone my weight.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I don't need a parachute to skydive unless I want to do it more than once.
I’ve learned
Mosquitoes let us know that we are never alone.
When you jump in the shower, don't jump in the shower.
To cultivate humility because I never know when I’m going to need it.
Cafe chronicles
Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Or beef dinner or fish dinner or ham dinner.
Their companionship was held together by coffee and gravy.
One man grumbled that no day is so nice that sleep isn’t nicer.
Another admitted that his marriage might be in trouble. His wife just got hearing aids.
A third said that he had protective parents. At his house, they were only allowed to play rock, paper.
He remembered getting his tattoo. His mother loved it. That was because she loved yelling at him.
As I left the eatery, I saw this bumper sticker on a car, "Warsh me."
The gift of a husband
I live where people live in complete harmony with mosquitoes in January.
I’m tall. I'm not so tall that angry villagers carry pitchforks and torches to my house, but I’m tall.
I’ve read that insects are attracted to tall people. I suspect that is true, but would add that they are attracted to short people, too. As a tall man, I do know that I attract ceiling fans.
I have a ceiling fan in my office. It makes me nervous. I probably obtained it as a gift for my wife. That's the way husbands get things.
Duane Spooner of Hartland had gotten his wife a birthday present. When Kathy, his wife, asked where the present was, Duane told her that it was outside, parked in front of the garage. Kathy got excited. She was less thrilled when she saw that there, in front of the garage, was a brand-new burn barrel.
Not an amusement park
There was a minivan right on my bumper and a four-wheel drive pickup not far ahead of me. Nothing unusual about that. Rush hour in a large city, right?
Wrong. I wasn’t driving. I wasn’t even a passenger. I was parked at the county fair. I parked where I’d been directed. The minivan parked behind me was no problem. It was where it should be. The problem was the truck. It had parked ahead of me without thought of others. When I finished working at the fair, it was nearly 11 p.m. I was anxious to get home.
Unfortunately, someone parked the truck as if he’d stolen the vehicle, making it impossible for me to escape the parking lot. The driver was like the lunch lady who snarled, "I can dish it out. Can you take it?"
A traveling man
I drove a Dodge Avenger rental car one day and a Subaru Forrester rental car the next. I liked the Subaru best. Driving the Dodge Avenger made me feel like a superhero that shirks his duty at the last moment.
I spoke on a big boat. A bit of stormy weather came up. The boat was in no danger, but I jokingly told the passengers to throw everything unnecessary overboard. That water was cold.
Report from the road
I drove down Highway 13. My wife was riding shotgun. We met eight white vehicles in a row. It wasn’t a funeral procession and the eight white colors might have been linen, arctic, ermine, pure, classic, Wimbledon, winter white, and ivory, but they were white. White is the most popular color for cars in the US. We’ve become a white car nation.
Did you know?
• The name "Canada" is based on the Iroquoian word kanata meaning "village, settlement."
• The average American consumer eats 142 pounds of potatoes per year.
• The Rice Krispies trio of Snap!, Crackle!, and Pop! were briefly a quartet. Pow! was the fourth.
• Any 31-day month that begins on a Friday has five Fridays, five Saturdays, and five Sundays.
• The sheath at the end of a shoelace is an aglet.
Nature notes
"What is our largest bird?" The largest bird in weight in Minnesota is the trumpeter swan, which hits the scales at up to 30 pounds. The wild turkey weighs as much as 25 pounds. The biggest wingspan is the American white pelican at nine feet.
Meeting adjourned
"Life is an attitude. Have a good one." — Eric L. Lungaard
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
What was your mother’s maiden name?
I don’t know.
How can you not know what your mother’s maiden name was?
I didn’t know her before she was married.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: life would be easier if perfect lawns were made of weeds.
I’ve learned
• No one looks good while trying on a pair of new sunglasses with those retail tags hanging from them.
• Many men aren’t aware that there is a crumb tray in a toaster.
• "Old MacDonald Had a Farm" is based on a true story.
The news from Hartland
• New pirate movie is rated ARRRRRR!
• Bowling Elaine’s offers a new league. It’s bowling with dodgeball rules.
• Local cable company changes the channel number for the Discovery Channel each day.
• Denton Fender was ticketed for running a stop sign. He went to court and pleaded not guilty on the grounds that he doesn’t read sign language.
Cafe chronicles
I liked the cafe right off. It was where 1975 had gone. A place where everything comes to him who orders the hash.
The waitress told me that she was getting older, but her eyes were still blue and only one of them was lazy.
Chowhounds were busy and contented. Stomachs were still smaller than eyes, but they were just as happy.
Euphoria filled the cafe, except for one guy who inspected his food as if it were a prison delivery. He looked like he was going to eat, but never did.
He complained that he had his good days. This just wasn’t one of them. He moaned about the selections offered, grumbling that a menu like a church potluck supper is only as strong as its weakest link.
Abandon all taupe, ye who enter here
I sat in a busy waiting room. A TV played to either calm or aggravate the seated. It was showing what must have been some kind of home improvement show. A couple of people were painting the walls of a room. It was the opposite of riveting. I have often heard the expression "like watching paint dry" to describe an excruciatingly boring experience. Perhaps that was the name of the program.
I shouldn’t complain about TVs in waiting rooms. They are better than me being a wolverine’s dentist.
Back to painting a wall. In those dark ages before cellphones, officially know as the Quiet Era, my wife sent me to a paint store to get, hard to believe, paint.
I’m not colorblind. I’ve passed all the tests. I can tell the basic colors. I’m good through the 16-count box of Crayola Crayons. Those colors are black, blue, brown, green, orange, red, violet, yellow, blue-green, blue-violet, carnation pink, red-orange, red-violet, white, yellow-green and yellow-orange. The identification of all the colors in the 48-count box would cause me some difficulties. Wisteria, cerise, manatee, and fuchsia?
Paints are even worse. Chartreuse? Mauve? There is a Crayon called "Mauvelous." I want to say, "Gesundheit" whenever someone mentions the color ecru.
In the paint store, I was surrounded by so many colors of paint, for an instant, I knew how Custer must have felt.
Washington
I spoke in Washington, D.C. I did as much sightseeing as possible while there, took in a couple of seminars, and listened to a Senator give a stirring speech about the obligations of an individual who lives in this wonderful country. A man seated near me began to cry. I asked him if he was a resident of the Senator’s state.
“No,” he said, “But I am a taxpayer.”
Good words
Libraries are full of them. I love libraries and am most appreciative of Linda Lynne’s years of fine service as librarian at the New Richland Public Library. I wish her happy trails.
Did you know?
• Tim Hortons has more customer traffic than the next 15 fast-food chains in Canada combined.
• Bob McDonald coached Minnesota high school basketball for 59 years without getting a single technical foul.
• Data on 756,848 pitches over 313,774 at-bats in 4,914 Major League Baseball games found, that on average, umpires called a strike on 18.8 percent of pitches that were out of the strike zone and a ball on 12.9 percent of pitches that were strikes.
Nature notes
"What bird is the state bird of the most states?" The northern cardinal is the state bird of seven states and the western meadowlark is the state bird of six.
Meeting adjourned
"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness."--Dalai Lama
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"We’ve been married 33 years."
"It’s nice you’ve remembered."
"It’s easy to remember. We got married the same year I bought the new toaster."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if only I knew then what I know now but can’t remember.
The news from Hartland
• Woman finds snake on porch and cautiously burns her house down.
• Ferris Bueller fired from yet another job for missing too many days of work.
• Pumpkin Patch repairs leaking squash.
New to these parts
I was searching for the right Allen wrench when I came across a bag of small parts. They’d been placed nicely into a plastic bag. There was no labeling or instruction booklet with them. I’m sure I put the items into the bag, but why? And what were they for? Spare parts or leftovers?
Perhaps I’d put the odd parts into the bag so that one day, I’d find the bag and wonder what the parts were for.
I keep myself entertained.
As Tony the Tiger said, "They’re great!"
I stopped briefly at a reunion recently. I wanted to express my appreciation to those in attendance for their good work and fine company. The reunion was for those who had worked at Tony’s, a gas station in New Richland. It was much more than a gas station, but that’s what we called them before they became convenience stores. Tony Arnfelt’s establishment offered gas, repairs, snacks, pop, air for tires, windshield cleaning, advice, and wisdom. It was shelter in a storm and gave life depth. Tony hired good people and I’m glad that Tony’s was a part of my life, even if my role was merely that of a loiterer.
It was a great idea for a reunion. I think a school bus reunion would be a good idea, too. Many of us rode with a flock of folks over the years.
A peregrination
I turned off Interstate 94 and visited New Salem, North Dakota to see Salem Sue, the world’s largest Holstein. The fiberglass cow is 38 feet high and 50 feet long.
Another turn off I-94 brought me to Jamestown’s Dakota Thunder, the world’s largest buffalo monument 26 feet tall, 46 feet long, and weighing 60 tons. The sculptor’s name was Elmer Peterson. A name meant for the job.
Near Devils Lake, I stopped at Sullys Hill National Game Preserve. Sullys Hill is one of 560 refuges in the National Wildlife Refuge System managed by the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service specifically for wildlife. Sullys Hill is named for Gen. Alfred Sully. President Theodore Roosevelt established Sullys Hill as a national park in 1904. In 1914, it was designated as a preserve to conserve bison and elk.
A monument claimed Rugby was the geographical center of North America. There is some argument about that assertion, but while I was there, it seemed to be true.
Work took me to the Netherlands. I arrived late at a hotel. I didn’t have the time to get much sleep. The next morning, as I waited for a ride to the Amsterdam airport, I found myself in a Holland daze.
A goof goes grocery shopping
I was doing the best I could. I moved about the supermarket in fits and starts. I’d had a piece of paper itemizing the groceries I needed to buy. It refused to present itself. Lost, I suppose. I wandered listlessly about the store.
Did you know?
• Folklore says that equestrian statues contain codes whereby the rider's fate could be determined by how many hooves the horse has raised. One hoof raised, the rider was wounded in battle; two raised hooves, death in battle; all four hooves on the ground, the rider survived all battles unharmed. This isn’t true.
• A Bureau of Labor Statistics survey showed the average American sleeps 8 hours and 45 minutes daily.
• People once blamed bad dreams on the night-hag. This demon caused nightmares by inducing feelings of suffocation. Strategies for keeping the night-hag at bay included putting bread blessed by clergy under a pillow or hanging flint chips (hag-stones) on the bedposts.
Nature notes
Julie Bronson of Glenville asked if the bobolink is called a skunkbird. The distinctive appearance of this species has given rise to colorful nicknames--skunkbird, butterbird, skunk blackbird, and ricebird (it has a fondness for wild rice patches). The male’s breeding plumage is unique in North America. It’s the only bird with a black front and white back.
Meeting adjourned
Engage the world in a conspiracy of kindness.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
It’s a great day for the race.
What race?
The human race.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: cellphones should have a turn signal app for cars.
The news from Hartland
• Man hit on head with can of soda says that he was lucky that it was a soft drink.
• If not for venetian blinds, it’d be curtains for all of us.
• City sends "Get Well Soon" cards to everyone who is delinquent in paying their water bills.
Cafe chronicles
The cafe bragged that none of its food smelled like feet.
It wasn’t idle boasting.
He was a small man whose belt had reached retirement height. He had been swallowed by his shirt. He told me that he’d stayed home to ripen on the vine.
He watered his garden because he was more dependable than Mother Nature. He said that his grandfather had taken Carter’s Little Liver Pills all of his life. When he died, they had to beat his liver to death with a stick.
He ordered a pie. The pie was two-feet long. The rhubarb had been tall this year.
The Duke point
The dew point indicates the amount moisture in the air. It’s the temperature at which the water vapor in air condenses into liquid at the same rate at which it evaporates. When the dew point equals the air temperature, dew forms on solid surfaces. Relative humidity is the amount of moisture in the air compared to what the air can hold at that temperature. When the air can't hold all the moisture, it condenses as dew.
I grew up paying attention to the humidity. I don’t enjoy days with high humidity. When the humidity hits a certain point, I start singing Warren Zevon’s song, "Poor, poor, pitiful me."
Because I grew up with it as a measurement of discomfort, humidity has more relevance to me than does the dew point.
I have a terrific neighbor named Duke Tukua. When I want to know the humidity, I use the Duke point.
I point at Duke. If he appears to be wilting, I know that the humidity is high.
Fitz-Reading Gardens
I visited Fitz-Reading Gardens in Rockford, Iowa. I added Iowa because there are at least eight cities in the U.S. named Rockford. They are in Iowa, Minnesota, Illinois, Michigan, Ohio, Alabama, Tennessee, and Washington.
Fitz-Reading Gardens is one of my favorite places. Every year, Stan Fitz exceeds the seed limit in his gardens. He not only has a green thumb, he could get blood out of a tulip.
Stan replaced lawn with gardens. He should have a TV show called, "Lawn Order."
Church, baseball, and birding
I spoke at the UCC Church in New Ulm. A lovely place of worship and fellowship. The church was prayer-conditioned.
Not long after, I watched a baseball game. A shortstop kicked a ground ball.
That’s what happens when you watch too much soccer.
A Baltimore oriole flew overhead. I pointed it out to an uninterested couple seated next to me.
They looked up. I think they were hoping to see a Baltimore Oreo. Chocolate on the outside and vanilla on the inside.
No worries
I’ve been feeding the mosquitoes. They’re hungry and numerous this year.
Beth Knudson of Hartland told me that all the mosquitoes would die soon because there isn’t enough blood to go around.
Building fences
I was building a fence. Good fences make good neighbors. If only good fences made good fences.
That was how I estivated, digging postholes and stretching wire. The fences were built not only to keep in the free-range cattle, but also to keep the pigs from running hog wild.
My dog kept me company. She helped by watching.
I took a break from my duties to watch County employees install a culvert.
My dog thought that humans bury the strangest things.
Nature notes
"Blue jays look identical. How can they tell who is a male or female?" Birds can see in light frequencies, including ultraviolet, which we cannot. This light is used to communicate species and gender. I’ve read that a male blue jay has a pattern on his wing that’s lacking on a female.
"What can I do for an injured bird?" If it’s a raptor or vulture, contact the Raptor Center located at the University of Minnesota in St. Paul at 612-624-4745. For any other injured birds or mammals, call the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center in Roseville at 651-486-9453.
Meeting adjourned
Be kinder.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
I argued with my father all night about getting a nose ring. He’s too old to understand.
What happened?
I finally gave in and let him get one.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Animal Crackers teach us that all meat tastes the same.
In the neighborhood
His name was Prndl. He was named after an automatic transmission.
Prndl talked loud so he could hear what he had to say.
Prndl had a bit of a heart problem. He asked his doctor if it would be okay if he drank a little brandy.
The doctor allowed that a couple of fingers wouldn’t hurt Prndl any.
Prndl told me that he had polished off three bottles of brandy and none of it had yet gone to his fingers.
Small-town life
I was in Pemberton one morning when I encountered a man walking along, carrying a toilet seat. Anything out of the ordinary is a cause for excitement in a small town. Carrying a toilet seat is a good way to start the day. It’s all easy from there.
A peregrination
A man was wearing a T-shirt. It wasn’t a plain T-shirt. Few are today. It carried lettering that read, "This is my going-out T-shirt."
I should have a T-shirt like that because I went out to work in Germany, Austria, and Hungary.
I tell travelers of I-35 that I live just beyond Hope, a small town in Minnesota. I had hoped to see a bird called a hoopoe while working in Europe. I was able to get good looks at the hoopoe (the bird’s scientific name is Upupa epops), an amazing avian creature. I still live just beyond Hope, but I’m not hoopoeless.
The dime store
When my family visited the dime store, I made tracks to the pet department. I looked at the birds, fish, and hamsters.
My father said it was a zoo. I’d never been to a zoo, so it was a zoo to me.
When I venture into similar stores today, I still make a beeline to the pet department.
Staring at tiny fish like neon tetras, mollies, and guppies helps get the taste of grownup out of my mouth.
Cars I have known
I was driving the crease of the map.
I am very fond of my car. It’s the cat’s meow and the dog’s bowwow.
I thought about the cars I’ve known. My life is littered with discarded auto bodies.
I had many cars that stayed out of fix too often.
I once owned a Rolls Canhardly. Rolls down one hill and can hardly get up the next.
There were days when I had to go somewhere because I had a new tire. I didn’t want the tire to go to waste. The tires on my old jalopies were never a matched set, but they were a sympathetic lot. If one tire went flat, the others did, too.
One old Junker gave me plenty of exercise from pushing it. Rain caused me some problems even though I had good windshield wipers. The car didn’t have a windshield.
Customer comments
Stan Fitz of Rockford, Iowa offered this as a table grace, "I’m just as thankful as I am hungry. Amen."
Annie Glasgow of St. Paul wrote, "Good sound reasons and reasons that sound good are not always the same thing."
Did you know?
According to a study by Facility Cleaning Decisions, people prefer paper towels 4-to-1 to hand dryers.
According to Kelley Blue Book, the average price of a new car or truck sold in the U.S. in 2013 was $32,086.
Nature notes
"When do cicadas start singing?" The dog-day cicada typically calls from early July into September, the hottest part of summer, known as the dog days. This cicada has a high-pitched, whining song that can last a minute and resembles the sound of a distant saw. The male usually sings around midday and again in late afternoon. There are several other species of cicadas found in lesser numbers in the state, but we don’t have periodic cicadas in Minnesota. They are found in parts of Iowa. These are the cicadas that are famous (or infamous) for emerging in huge swarms. Periodic cicadas live 13 or 17 years (depending on the species) underground. Some people call the cicadas "locusts," but they aren’t. Locusts are a kind of grasshopper.
Meeting adjourned
"Make kindness your modus operandi and change your world."-Annie Lennox
More...
Echoes from the Loafers' Club Meeting
How was your vacation?
It was OK, but I spent half my time getting to the resort.
That so?
And the other half of my time wishing I were home.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: good advice sounds like bad advice.
Cafe chronicles
I sat in a coffee shop, using my cellphone to reply to emails that had accumulated like the national debt. I drank a cup of tea in the midst of loud cellphone conversations. It was difficult to keep from being swept up into the story lines of others. I couldn’t help but try to fill in the missing half of each conversation.
Seeking a quieter atmosphere, I moved down the road to a cafe.
A stop at a small-town cafe is good on a day that might have come from IKEA because it needed to be assembled from confusing instructions.
A woman told me that she’d been behind bars. And she had been. She’d worked behind the dessert table in the church basement at a potluck supper.
She’s a good small-town person. She knows her place. Sometimes it’s behind bars.
Someone has to be late
I left my bed early in the morning. I’d risen like dust after an all-night rain. I started off slowly and then tapered off.
Not much later, I was stalled in traffic. Someone had decided to drive zero miles per hour. I wanted to be elsewhere.
The guy in the car next to me looked as if he were a man on his way to the proctologist. Or maybe he was eating a Vaseline sandwich.
I wished I had my razor with me so I could have used my time to shave. I have one of those razors that have countless blades. One of the blades is a mulcher.
It had rained too much. Several roads were closed due to heavy rains. It added time to my trip to a meeting.
I hoped that I could make it there quick enough to get to the lifeboat.
I did.
A fellow attendee told me, "I had to get lost to get here."
My neighbor
His wife told him that in some cultures, the husband does things. He did something. He watched TV. He loved "Newhart." He loved it so much that he named his twins Darryl and Darrell. They were identical, but he could tell them apart by the way they spelled their names.
I thought about them recently when I hung around with some English guys. None of them were named Darryl or Darrell. They were great fellows with wonderful accents. They could say something incredibly stupid and still sound brilliant.
Did you know?
Dr. Indra Neil Guha, a liver specialist at Nottingham University Hospital in England, read Ian Fleming's James Bond books and tabulated how many drinks the suave spy drank. On average, Bond consumed about 45 drinks per week.
Nature notes
Alice Kluver of Albert Lea wrote, "The question has arisen among bird-watching friends, do the birds that migrate south for the winter raise young while there? If they don’t, why not? And, do the young raised here this summer, choose mates this summer or wait until their stay in the south? Hoping to learn more about it. Another more obvious question, why do they even bother to come north where it’s lousy weather for 9 months?" Birds that breed in North America and spend the winter south of the U.S. border are known as "neotropical migrants." Neotropical means the tropics of the "New World." The reason why migration persists is because it increases breeding success. Birds are able to raise more young on average by migrating than they would if they remained in the tropics. The abundant, protein-rich food provided by insects, longer daylight hours, greater area over which the birds can spread, and possibly fewer predators offers the potential to raise more young. As the days shorten in the north in fall and food supplies become scarce, birds migrate south to their nonbreeding territories. Nesting and migrating are arduous undertakings and rest is needed. They take a break from raising families while they are south. Some birds mate for life, most others find mates in the spring.
Meeting adjourned
"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." — Leo Buscaglia
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
You are long on appetite and short on manners. Pass the mashed potatoes.
No.
Please pass the mashed potatoes.
Eat something closer to you.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: we should never mistake vanity for culture.
The cafe chronicles
I was in a small-town cafe in North Dakota. I wrote down my order and bussed my own table. I hoped to make employee of the month and get the coveted parking place.
The server growled that bacon, eggs, and hash browns would go to the highest bidder.
The ruminants were seated at their favorite table.
"If I say it, you can believe it," was said in all capital letters by the one most likely prone to telling falsehoods. He had one of those beards that grew so wild that I couldn't help but do a visual search to see if something was peering out of it.
A couple of experienced women sat down at the next table.
One said, "This is my favorite restaurant. I almost always sit at this table. I come here all the time. I’d come here even more often if the food wasn’t so terrible."
In the neighborhood
The neighbor didn’t have a telephone. He didn’t believe in having a lot of things that cost money. If someone needed to call him, he’d share my phone number. It worked. Any time someone called me and left a message for my neighbor, I’d send my neighbor a letter.
Car talk
A friend, Bruce Aird of Lake Forest, Calif., and I were talking about a certain kind of car. It's a popular car that you’d recognize if I said the name, but I'm going to spare the car the embarrassment. It probably has a family who doesn’t need to read such things. Bruce described it as a car that should be sold only in pairs and each should come with a hitch so that it could tow the other when it stopped running.
I was the sorriest
I was walking behind three friends from England as we strolled around Vienna. They exemplified the famed English politeness, apologizing quickly for any possible infraction of manners.
I blurted out, "I’m sorry."
They asked a collective, "Why are you sorry?"
I replied, "Because I'm behind you."
"Why should that make you sorry?" they asked as a group.
I explained that I was sorry because I’d have liked to have been in front of them.
They were sorry they had asked.
A week later, I was headed home from Carrington, No. Dak. Traffic was moving along at a brisk pace when suddenly it came to a complete halt about 30 miles north of Minneapolis. We creeped and beeped for a many miles. I wished I could have walked on ahead. Childish doofuses changed lanes with every three cars they managed to squeeze by, zigzagging their way to their destinations. I tried not to judge them. I imagined them apologizing each time they made a move. I wished good things for them and their blessed offspring. I try not to growl about traffic. There might be an accident ahead of me. If I complained, I’d feel like a complete jerk when I saw an ambulance.
Spectacles
I stopped at the eyeglasses place to have my cheaters adjusted. They were irritating my nose, chewing into the flesh on both sides.
I explained my problem to the nice person working there.
She thought she’d be able to solve my predicament posthaste.
She fussed with them some before asking, "Is this the same head you had when you purchased the glasses?"
Lemon bar
I devoured a lemon bar at a feed near Melville, No. Dak. Lemon bars are good and this one was particularly so. It had a plethora of powdered sugar. So much, that with each bite, powdered sugar filled the air. It looked like snow flurries in June. That's why I was on The Weather Channel.
Did you know?
Canada's population is about 11 percent of that of the U.S.
Nature notes
"Do any birds hibernate?" Not really, but the common poorwill slows its metabolic rate and drops its body temperature, going into a hibernation-like state known as torpor. In periods of cold weather, a poorwill may stay in torpor for several weeks, which allows the bird to go without food when insect prey is unavailable.
Meeting adjourned
"Forgiveness is the economy of the heart. Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits."--Hannah More.
Echoes from the Loafers' Club Meeting
I grew up poor. There were 23 kids in my family.
Did you live on the wrong side of the tracks?
With 23 kids, we lived on both sides of the tracks.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: you can blame yourself for anything if you think about it long enough.
The news from Hartland
• Dentist, Les Plack, has a saliva barrel that he uses to water his garden.
• Grain elevator is a large scale effort.
• Pat Pending buys copy machine in an attempt to do some human cloning.
• Musician fired for taking notes.
Hast a la vista, baby
One of my students in a writing class had the hiccups. I asked the rest of the class if they had any cures. As is usually the case, someone advised that the troubled young man say, "Pineapple."
He did and the hiccups went away.
A day later, I tried the same cure on my hiccuping wife. Her hiccups stopped.
Time marches on and the alarm goes off more often
She hit a home run as her team won the Benilde softball tournament. She hit another as her team took the Waseca tournament. I watched her swish a three pointer effortlessly during an AAU basketball tournament. Her grades are in the A category.
A granddaughter has become a 7th grader. It happened so quickly. It seems like only yesterday when I held her when she was brand new.
As I watched her on the field and court, I felt love, happy, and old.
I visited a friend who was lightening his load. He had nearly 90 years of experience and was disposing of things that he once yearned for. It left his house with a spare look, as if it were being emptied. That was because it was being emptied. It wasn’t unattractive. Books were spread about as if they were ingredients for a hotdish about to be prepared.
Sooner or later, the books will go. His residence will be filled with little but memories.
I file the memories of academic and athletic accomplishments of loved ones for a day that needs filling.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
I grew up with an outhouse.
We were in the same grade.
An outhouse was always an interesting place to transact business.
There was a stick with a sharpened point that leaned against our outhouse.
It was used to fend off bloodthirsty mosquitoes.
If everyone drove a white automobile, it would be a white car nation
A friend, Alan McBride of Preston, England, is a Pisces born on March 5. I am a fellow Pisces.
Alan told me that reincarnation is done in order and done 12 times, once for each astrological sign. Pisces are last. A Pisces is on his 12th life. His journey on Earth is nearly finished.
Alan says he doesn’t get excited about things, because everything is familiar. He has seen it 11 times before.
I’ve never been good at being a Pisces. We are supposed to see both sides, which makes it difficult to take a side. I do that, but I get excited about opportunities, adventures, and the beauty of this world.
Another friend, Chris Watson lives in Alice Springs, Australia. It’s a place where it’s easy to get sand in your shoes. One of the world’s most venomous plants is found there, the gympie-gympie stinging tree that can cause months of excruciating pain for unfortunate people. But as Chris explains, the stinging tree doesn’t chase anyone down the street. That’s certainly the silver lining of a dark cloud. Who could keep from wanting to visit a place named Alice Springs?
I am grateful for each day.
Customer comments
Tim Strivens of Suffolk, UK, says that an alcoholic is someone who drinks more than his doctor.
Did you know?
• The USDA says that 31 percent of our food goes uneaten.
• The average U.S. worker toils 4.6 percent more hours than a Canadian worker, 21 percent more hours than a French worker and 28 percent more hours than a German worker, according to data from the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development.
Nature notes
Cedar waxwings feed on fruits. Their name derives from their appetite for cedar berries, but they also eat the fruits of mountain ash, honeysuckle, crabapple, hawthorn, etc. In the song, "Life is Just a Bowl of Cherries," there is this line, "You keep repeating, it's the berries." When it comes to cedar waxwings, life is the berries.
Meeting adjourned
There is no weakness in kindness.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
I've been thinking.
About what?
Nothing yet.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: bacon is the candy of meats.
I’ve learned
Dodge good. Ram bad.
The quality of a mirror diminishes with age.
Once you clean out the belongings of a deceased friend or relative, you see your own stuff in a different way.
Why Ole is still serving detention
I was teaching some writing classes to young folks, working with the future overlords of this planet, when I thought of Ole.
Mrs. Swenson saw that Little Ole was making faces at other kids on the school playground.
Mrs. Swenson decided to gently admonish the child. Smiling sweetly, the veteran teacher said, "Ole, when I was your age, I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and I’d look like that for the rest of my life."
Little Ole replied, "Well, Mrs. Swenson, you can't say that you weren't warned."
Shopping shenanigans
I moved about the supermarket, looking up one aisle and then down the next. I was trying to find things on my list. The store moves things around. It's part of the supermarket’s plan to get me to buy things not on my list. It's fiendishly clever. As I looked up and down, the store’s manager came to my aid. He could tell I needed help because I was goose necking.
An older fellow bumped into my cart with his cart with a "Whoopsiedaisy! I'm looking for a bottle of dried beef about yay big," he said. "They’ve changed the store all around."
I knew that and nodded in agreement toward my fellow shopping cart demolition derby contestant.
I compared apples to oranges. I purchased some Pink Lady apples. My favorite apple is the Honeycrisp, but it wasn’t available. Johnny Honeycrisp needs to get busy.
"Did you find everything?" The happy cashier asked me.
"Well, not everything. I wasn't looking for everything," I replied.
"Do you have our gas reward card? If you don't have a gas reward card, would you like to apply for one? Would you like to participate in an online survey? Would you want to donate to a charity? Paper or plastic?"
I felt as if I were up a tree without a paddle.
I’d brought my own bag. I’d hoped that would be enough.
A peregrination
I was in Ghent. It's the rolle bolle capital of the world. Rolle bolle is like lawn bowling or horseshoes on wheels. Sort of. It has been compared to bocce ball, bowling, curling, horseshoes, and shuffleboard. It's none of those things. It’s rolle bolle.
In Boyd, I was informed that Good Time Days is the longest continuous celebration in the United States, covering 109 years. That’s reason for celebration.
In Milbank, S.D. I was at the birthplace of American Legion Baseball.
It was in Milbank where I was bitten by my first mosquito of the year on May 24. That seemed about right. I didn’t celebrate.
Poor man’s shoes
Tracy Rosenberg of Marvin, S.D. told me that while in Nepal she encountered a young porter with bad shoes. No shoes might have been an improvement. Tracy felt sorry for him and bought him some new shoes. She saw him a few days later. He was wearing his old shoes. She asked about the ones she’d purchased for him. He’d sold them. Nepal is a very poor country. The young man’s family needed the money more than he needed new shoes
Kith and kin
She was my people, part of my tribe. She was good at golf and bowling. I don't know how to do either. She spoke fluent Iowan. I can barely understand it. Each day, I resolve to be a better person. That should be easy, but it's not. Her example inspired me. She enhanced my existence. My cousin Jackie Muller of Whittemore, Iowa died. I cope with her loss by missing her dearly.
Customer comments
Gary Crumb also saw the snowy owl in the greater Matawan area.
Did you know?
About 10 percent of people spell "dilemma" as "dilemna."
Kellogg’s revealed that all the colors of Fruit Loops taste the same. What next? Captain Crunch admits that he never served in the military?
Nature notes
"Why do birds stand on one leg?" Tucking a leg against the body prevents heat loss. Birds stand on one leg in warm weather, too, so thermoregulation isn’t the only function. It gives the leg muscles a rest, plus it looks cool.
Meeting adjourned
One of the most difficult things to give away is kindness, it returns to you.