Compostings (267)
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
Every Christmas, I suspect the same thing.
What’s that?
That the makers of clamshell packaging and the manufacturers of adhesive bandages are in cahoots.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors—both named Bruce—who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Each year, my Christmas tree gets smaller. Each year, my list of good wishes for others grows longer.
The cafe chronicles
I limped into the café.
Someone asked, “What happened to you?”
I didn’t know. I reckon I’ve reached the stage of life when I can limp for no apparent reason.
In a day when we like to be able to see another Starbucks from the Starbucks we’re standing in, I love small-town cafes, places where the food is so good, it could all be cheese.
I took a drink of water. As a clump of ice from the glass struck me in the face, I thought of something that comedian Jim Gaffigan had said, that mashed potatoes are the ice cream of potatoes.
The Village Inn had real mashed potatoes and it had the appreciation of a community. I’ve often said that I’ve never met a potato I didn’t like except for a potato salad that I once met in a dark alley. Real mashed potatoes are real good.
I don’t have many strong feelings about food. I like what I like, but I do believe that you can never go wrong with red Kool-Aid or red Jell-O—that goes without saying. There is no shortcut to town for me, but I went in for the Village Inn’s last day. I encountered Duane and Kathy Spooner of Hartland there. Kathy was eating a fish dinner as Duane watched. I asked why he wasn’t feeding at the trough. Duane replied, “It’s my turn to eat tomorrow.”
Some may say that marriage gives a man a woman who will stand behind him while rolling her eyes, but Duane knows that marriage is the art of compromise.
I’ll miss the Village Inn.
A doll for a doll
I was whittling down my Christmas shopping list. I write things down so that I won’t be troubled by rememories. Rememories are when I try to remember something I just remembered and then forgot. I love my family, but shopping makes me as happy as I was on the day the car wash shrunk my car. I figured coal would be a proper gift for most of those on my list. They’d be pleased that I’d consider them still capable of devilment. I’d get my brothers-in-law the usual lutefisk TV dinners, which include peas and mashed potatoes. Those dinners are the opposite of a rememory. They will try to forget them, but will be unable. A young girl in my family indicated that she wanted a specific doll for Christmas. The one she wanted had a price tag three times what I’d paid for my first car. And that included a spare tire. I suggested that we buy the head of the doll this Christmas and then each year, we buy another body part for the doll. My wife nixed that suggestion because of its macabre quality. She was right, of course. Wives have that disturbing habit. I’m giving my little granddaughter something she can use for Christmas—a brand new grease gun.
A day in the life
I’d visited at a nursing home after ringing the bells for the Salvation Army. I was feeling about as thankful as a fellow could feel. Later, I did a book signing at Book World. As I scribbled my name in a childish scrawl in the books, I asked, “How do you say ‘caramel.’” Is it CARE-uh-mell, KAR-ah-mehl or CAR-mull? Some people just call it that chewy, sweet candy.
How did Winston Churchill say it? If Winston Churchill were here today, I’d be surprised.
Caramel is like this holiday. People give different names to their good wishes. I appreciate them all, but I say a heartfelt, “Merry Christmas.”
Talking with the Holstein
The Holstein is a retired dairy cow, so she has time to talk. I groused about a mistake I’d made.
The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully before saying, “Sometimes you have to make a mistake or you’ll never know that it is one.”
Nature notes
A bird feeder and black oil sunflower seeds make an entertaining Christmas gift that keeps on giving.
Meeting adjourned
Maya Angelou said, “Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.”
I’d add that a kind act or a kind word could be that rainbow.
Echoes from the
Loafers' Club Meeting
I missed the lutefisk feed. My car wouldn’t start.
What was wrong with it?
I hadn’t put the key in the ignition.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors--both named Bruce--who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Never criticize anyone who prepares your food. They will get even.
The cafe chronicles
A panel of experts was seated at the table of infinite knowledge. That's the good table. The one where the catsup bottle top is gunk free.
"Do you want to trade?" asked one.
"What did you order?" replied the other.
It's true, men never do grow up.
Hardwood humor
My son Brian is a basketball coach. He heard this one at a coach’s clinic.
A professor was pontificating at the front of the class when he heard a cellphone ringtone. He asked whose phone was ringing. His students all denied it being theirs. The sound was coming from the back of the classroom where no one was sitting. At the end of the class, he walked to the back and found a cellphone on a chair. The phone’s screen showed that there had been 59 missed calls. The professor knew immediately that the abandoned phone belonged to a basketball referee.
It’s not how old you are, it’s how you are old.
We both remembered collect phone calls. She said that after her husband died, she moved to Iowa to make her four kids happy.
"Your children live in Iowa?" I asked.
"Not a one of the dear dears do," she replied with a smile.
I stopped to see my brother Donald. I hadn't seen him for a day. He greeted me with, "I haven't seen you since the last time." He was drinking a cup of coffee. He is a dedicated and determined drinker of coffee. I asked him how the coffee was. He said, "I can't find anything wrong with it."
He wasn’t at home. Health problems had planted him where few want to be. It’s difficult for him to whistle a happy tune, but perhaps good coffee will allow him to bloom in his own little patch. I hope so.
Customer comments
Lonnie Harig of Emmons said that he ate a meal at a cafe in Green Bay. He picked up a free Green Bay Packer game ticket there. In small print, the ticket said that it wasn’t valid for any home or away games.
Elsie Thostenson told me that her quilting group at Cross of Glory Lutheran Church in Hartland produced 3000 quilts in 26 years. Things like that are the reason we have the word "uffda!"
Dan Belshan of Glenville said that anyone who can levy taxes should be elected. I think taxpayers should be elected.
Brad Harig of Emmons said that when he was in high school, they played poker in the back of the school bus. The bus driver was not disapproving. Far from it, she made change.
Marsha Taylor of Goshen, Indiana, asked her retired husband, "Do you know what we have to do tomorrow?" He replied, "What?" Marsha answered, "Any darned thing we want."
Denny Brue of Albert Lea said that after an accident claimed his Honda, he bought a Cadillac. He said that driving a Cadillac is much better than lying in the back of one.
Harold Williams of Waverly, Alabama, spends his summers in Alaska. He parked his car and was told by a police officer that he couldn’t park there because it was where bears crossed the road. Harold watched a bear crossing far down the road and said, "You need to train that bear better."
Daniel Purdy of Albert Lea and I were discussing something that strained belief. Daniel said, "I was born at night, but not last night."
Brian Haroldson of Kiester told me that when he was a boy, a member of his family made lutefisk and drowned it in Blue Bonnet margarine instead of butter.
Nature notes
It can be to a young bird’s advantage to leave the nest as soon as possible. Predators can easily find a nest of noisy baby birds.
Talking with
the Holstein
The Holstein is a retired dairy cow, so she has time to talk. I asked her if she was ready to go to heaven.
The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully before saying, "Not yet. I just got a fresh bale of alfalfa."
Meeting adjourned
"My father said there were two kinds of people in the world--givers and takers. The takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better."
--Marlo Thomas
Echoes from the
Loafers’ Club Meeting
If you were stuck in an elevator, whom would you like to be stuck with?
I know just the person.
Who?
I’d like to be stuck with someone who knew how to fix elevators.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors—both named Bruce—who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: the driver using a cellphone has the right of way.
The cafe chronicles
One of the tenets of his life is to take every food for good food. That said, he isn’t above grousing a bit at meals.
“I wish they’d stop refrigerating their butter here. It tears my bread up something awful,” he complained.
He blew his nose into a napkin with a honk so loud that a flock of Canada geese landed near the front door, thinking one of their kind was inside.
“I know,” he said. “I should be thankful that I can still eat butter.” He mulled that statement over for a moment before adding, “And I am.”
An odyssey
Skagway, Alaska, is the gateway to the Klondike Gold Rush of 1898. I wasn’t there in 1898, but I’ve been there when five cruise ships were docked. Skagway has a population of 920, but there must have been 10,000 people wandering around the city. Skagway is four blocks wide and 16 blocks long. A brochure that said 378 cruise ships would be docking there during the year bringing in about 750,000 tourists.
In 1982, the first McDonald’s opened in Juneau, about 95 miles by air to the south of Skagway. Juneau isn’t accessible by road, so the residents of Skagway arranged for two medevac planes to pick up an $800 order of Big Macs and fries from Juneau. The wind chill factor was said to have been 40 below zero as 200 people waited at the Skagway airport for the return of the Big Mac Medevac. The airplanes had a police escort as they moved down the runway. The school band played “Old McDonald had a Farm” after thawing their instruments. The pilots rushed the food into the terminal for distribution.
A fellow involved in the travel industry told me that 16 million people fly around the Thanksgiving holiday. He said that before and after Thanksgiving, one in four travelers would have their flights delayed or canceled.
I stopped at a house in the city of Hartland to break bread with family. Hartland is a gated community. It’s gated in order to keep people from leaving. There was pie there. I love pie. I suppose I’ve had bad pie, but I don’t remember it. I’ve often wondered why we need cake when we have pie.
Whether it is gold, a cruise, a Big Mac or a pie that you crave, remember to be thankful for the journey—even if it involves delays.
Customer comments
Earl Jacobsen of Albert Lea said that the temperature seems to get down to 40 degrees much quicker than it gets up to 40 degrees.
Gene Strong of Haines, Alaska, likes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He calls a PBJ a “schoolboy sandwich” and lutefisk “road-killed fish.”
Gary Crumb of Matawan lamented, “Baldness came early and stayed late.”
Jack Madsen of Mankato wrote this, “Thoreau wrote, ‘The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.’ I say, ‘Blessed is the man who enjoys his life and gives thanks for it every day.’”
Ailene Williams of Waverly, Alabama, said that when she was a girl, her father told her that if she wanted a diamond ring, she didn’t need to get married. He’d buy her one.
Karen Daniels of Williamsport, Pennsylvania, is semi-retired. She keeps busy, but her activities sometimes tire her. Her friend, Val, reminded her that she was no longer 38. Karen said that came as quite a shock.
Roger Batt of Algona sent this wonderful blessing, “May your troubles be less. May your blessings be more. May nothing but happiness come through your door.”
Talking with the Holstein
The Holstein is a retired dairy cow, so she has time to talk. I told her that I have a sentimental longing for things, places and people belonging to the past.
The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully before saying, “Me, too, but not as often as I once did. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.”
Nature notes
Many mammals, birds and insects are crepuscular. That means they are active at dusk and dawn.
Meeting adjourned
In “The Last Lecture,” Randy Pausch wrote, “Showing gratitude is one of the simplest yet most powerful things humans can do for each other.”
Thank you for reading.
The scurs continue to have issues getting the Weather Eye to function properly as part of their weather forecasting equipment. They are beginning to wonder if this isn’t part of the reason AMC was in trouble. Are we in trouble with more cold or will we get a pass again soon? Starting Wednesday, sunny with highs near 20 and lows around 10. Partly sunny and warmer on Thursday. Highs in the mid-20’s and lows in the upper teens. Friday and Saturday, partly sunny with highs near the freezing mark and lows in the upper teens to low 20’s. Sunday, mostly cloudy with a slight chance of rain or snow. Highs in the mid-30’s and lows in the low 20’s. Monday, mostly cloudy with highs in the low 30’s and lows in the upper teens. Mostly cloudy on Tuesday with highs in the upper 20’s and lows in the upper teens. The normal high for December 7th is 29 and the normal low is 13. On the 9th we slip to 9 hours of daylight, the same as we saw back on January 2nd. The scurs are looking on the bright side: We only have about 6 more minutes to lose and the days will start to get longer on Christmas Day. Would Santa lie to you?
The Full Moon for the month occurs on the 7th and goes by several names including the Full Cold Moon, the Full Long Nights Moon and the Moon before the Yule. Indeed this moon includes the longest nights of the year not to mention typically some of the coldest temperatures. The Ojibwe called this the Small Spirits Moon and the Sioux called it the Moon When Deer Shed their Antlers. At the ranch it’s normally known as the Moon When Border Collies Continue to Shed. And shed. And shed.
More celestial planetary occurrences in the night sky if you’re willing to brave the cold long enough to take a peek. According to U of M’s Deane Morrison, Jupiter will be in the east and move westward as the month progresses. Mars will set about 3 hours after the sun does for the entire month. A conjunction with the crescent moon on the 24th may be interesting to see if the skies allow it. Both Saturn and Venus are visible as well, with Saturn appearing in the southeastern morning sky and Venus present in the evening sky to the southwest. Their presence will become more pronounced in January.
More snow this past week bringing the total for the month at the ranch to 8.8”. Luckily we’ve had some thaws that caused much of it to disappear. It wasn’t a month however without some severe cold with record low high temperatures set on the 17th and 18th of 14 and 12 respectively at the SROC in Waseca. We also had a bitter cold Thanksgiving Day with highs around 8 at the ranch after an overnight low of around – 8 with an encore performance the morning of the 28th. The SROC also tied the record low high temperature for that date in addition to setting a record low at -17. For the month, they also recorded a -9.1 departure from the normal average temperature. Reputedly we’re supposed to get a stretch of some 40 degree days in mid-December. We’d better see it soon if my faith in the global warming alarmists is to be reaffirmed.
Thanksgiving marked the coldest day I ever recall cooking a turkey on the grill. Of course with charcoal, one just adjusts the amount of briquettes accordingly. Luckily it was relatively calm and the 12 lb. bird was done in around two hours. In the meantime Brother Roger and his wife were busy fixing mushroom cap hors devours in the broiler. Yum! It was a great day prefaced by a card I’d discovered in my desk that Mom had written us back in 2010. In the note card, it relayed her excitement about her and Fudgie coming over for a Thanksgiving stay, thanking us for vegetables we’d dropped off, and a PS making Mrs. Cheviot know how much she loved the note cards. Simple things but it was always as if you’d given her a million dollars. While she wasn’t there physically, I have to believe Mom was watching. I know too she’d be happy Fudgie has a decent place to live and actually helps out every morning with the chores. It’s wonderful to open the gate, roll the feed cart through it and not worry about sheep coming out of it.
Ruby and Fudgie had several big days actually. The new snow Wednesday provided a perfect opportunity for them to roughhouse Thanksgiving morning. The turkey meant some giblets to be shared after sensory overload when it came in the door. There was a skid loader needing repairs (again) on Saturday during the warm up. Lots of tire biting and growling to be done once it commenced. That night after chores I came in and turned on the TV then was distracted with some errands. Ruby was barking her head off at something. I came into the living room only to discover there was a dog show on and she was lunging at the TV, upset with a black cocker spaniel. Thought about changing the channel to something I could watch. Unforgiven was on. That didn’t work. Between Clint Eastwood and horses it’s tough to tell which one Ruby hates more.
See you next week…real good then.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
I stepped on my eyeglasses and crushed them. I'm so thankful.
Thankful?
Yes, I'm thankful that I wasn't wearing them at the time.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: the weather is never to everybody’s liking.
Cafe chronicles
He was a saver of words. He didn't use many. Many men are quiet on a Monday. If you're not a Vikings fan, you don't have much to talk about.
He enjoyed eating cake because it was somebody’s birthday somewhere. It wasn’t so cold that the cake was covered in permafrosting.
"It's good to see that you’re on top of the grass," he greeted me. It was good.
The waitress advised, "Don't let the special know you are afraid."
I’m thankful for her advice, the good company, and for more blessings than I deserve. Happy Thanksgiving.
Coming home
One day, I was working in Haines, Alaska, where the price of gas was $4.33 a gallon and not a flake of fallen snow. The next day, I was flying out of Juneau featuring a temperature of 33 degrees. My flight out of Ketchikan was delayed due to maintenance issues. I was OK with that. I like my airplanes to be able to take off safely and land on the other end. The plane’s problem was in the cargo area and necessitated load reduction. They found room for nearly everything, but a dog needed to be left behind. A fellow passenger said, "If that were my dog, it’d be flying and my husband would be staying here." I arrived in Minnesota to more than enough snow to go around and a temperature of 5 degrees. It was colder in my garage than it was in Alaska. My first duty upon retrieving my vehicle was to jump start a gigantic pickup truck for a fellow from Kansas. I was wearing no hat or gloves because I’m a guy. Some birds grow more feathers for winter. It’d be nice if men could grow long underwear when frigid weather hits.
It wasn’t long before my wife and I were ringing bells for the Salvation Army. While doing that, I saw an electronic sign change the price of gas from $2.72 per gallon to $2.69. I hadn’t seen that before. I’ve seen the price changed manually, one number at a time by use of a long pole. It was hard to miss seeing those. Seeing the price of gas drop is better than seeing the Times Square ball drop on New Year’s.
The game was
football
Coach Johnson was only slightly older than us. We were having a good season on the gridiron, but not a good practice. The coach called us a bunch of sissies and other things. He was showing how to run a play. He’d been a great halfback in college. We didn't tackle him. Why would we? He was our coach. He became frustrated and ordered us to tackle him as if it were a real game. We did. His leg was broken.
Customer comments
Nan Wenner of Haines, Alaska, said that her mother used to say, "Shut your mouth and eat."
Rodney Hatle of Owatonna sent this, "There’s a certain mystery to life, isn’t there. Or is that misery? For instance, I trimmed my fingernails a week ago. I finally got around to cutting my toenails. And now my fingernails need it again."
Keith Kuiters of Clarks Grove once had much more hair than he currently has. Sentimental Keith pulled out his pocket comb and said, "I’ll never part with this."
Barb Brodersen of Skagway, Alaska, was surprised by a bear peering into the window of her house. It was so close, Barb expected it to say, "Could I have fries with that?"
Fred Taylor of Goshen, Indiana, showed me a photo of him holding a dollar bill. It was a picture of his trophy buck.
Winston Evenson of New Richland said, "It’s much easier to borrow something than it is to return it."
Talking with the Holstein
The Holstein is a retired dairy cow, so she has time to talk. I wished her a happy Thanksgiving.
The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully before saying, "I’m thankful I’m not a turkey."
Nature notes
Black-oil sunflower seed is the best all-around choice for attracting a wide variety of species to bird feeders.
Meeting adjourned
"Gratitude is the inward feeling of kindness received. Thankfulness is the natural impulse to express that feeling. Thanksgiving is the following of that impulse." — Henry Van Dyke
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
I’ve lost weight by giving up eating breakfast.
How did you do that?
I sleep until lunch.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce--who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: you can tell a lot about people by not keeping secrets.
The cafe chronicles
He ate food without fear, claiming to be an undiscovered genius. He complained that his second order of goulash tasted like wood. He professed to be so old that on his last birthday they gave him two cakes to provide room for all the candles. He was waiting for his long-suffering wife Elizabeth. The Beth was yet to come.
My wife and I were enjoying a meal at the Chilkat Restaurant & Bakery in Haines, Alaska. As we waited for our food, we employed annoyance technology. Those at other tables also checked their cellphones for good news, bad news, and none of our business news.
The lady behind us was busy texting and calling. She might have been a little louder than necessary — we all are. She laughed at a text. Someone meant to tell her to enjoy her vacation, but it came out as "enjoy your bacon." Perhaps the sender was eating breakfast when he sent it. It was an appropriate text to send to someone in an eatery featuring breakfasts and BLTs.
Her husband called the woman Georgie. My sister Georgie had died two weeks earlier. The woman told me that her real name was Georgianna and she was named after her father, George. My sister’s real name was Georgianna and she was named after our father, George.
Why men seem stupid at times
I admit to walking to the end of our driveway to get a good look at an approaching tornado. I’m not the only man who does such goofy things. A woman asked why men tempt the fates. I told her that we want to see what is going to get us. Men believe that when they get out of this life’s canoe, the first thing St. Peter will say is, "If you want to enter Heaven, you need to tell me what it was that got you?" If we can’t answer that, the questions get harder.
Splitting firewood and axe handles
I was splitting firewood with an axe. It wasn’t an unpleasant task. My nephew Keith, a teenager at the time, offered to help. I gladly accepted because I knew that wood burns fastest when you chop it alone. I gave Keith some tips to make splitting simple. He smiled, grabbed the axe, and swung it in every way except the one I’d advised. He didn’t split any firewood that day, but he broke my new axe handle on the first swing. Sometimes, you can’t afford free help.
Happily married
I noticed that Harold Williams of Waverly, Alabama, had a bandage on his head. I asked him what had caused his injury. He said that his wife Ailene had told him to shut up. He thought she’d told him to stand up and bumped his head in the process.
Alaska accounts
I was driving a rented Mazda Tribute in Haines, Alaska, where a recent earthquake had knocked satellite TV dishes out of alignment, when I noticed that some ambitious and mischievous youth had painted over the "u" on a "BUS STOP" sign, converting it into a BS STOP.
Charlotte Olerud of Haines hired a high school student to work in her store. He was a great worker. Then, suddenly, he did no work. He’d become the owner of a smartphone.
Did you know?
According to a report from Bankrate.com, about 50 percent of Americans carry $20 or less, including nine percent who carry no cash at all. Only seven percent carry more than $100.
Horripilation is the bristling of the hair on the skin from cold or fear. It’s goose flesh.
A 6-foot-4-inch Holstein from Illinois has been named the tallest cow in the world.
Genealogy
Was your grandmother Norwegian?
No.
Was she Swedish?
No.
Was she German?
No.
What was she?
She was my grandmother.
Talking with the Holstein
The Holstein is a retired dairy cow, so she has time to talk. I asked her why she walked so slowly.
The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully before saying, "Step carefully. The world is an uneven walking surface."
Nature notes
Neal Batt of Hartland asked what to plant for hummingbirds. Columbine, bee balm, cardinal flower, Japanese honeysuckle, jewelweed, lupine and petunia.
Meeting adjourned
Karen Berg of Cresco sent this, "Kindness is love in work clothes."
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
Top of the morning to you.
And the rest of the day to you.
Is today Thursday or Friday?
I couldn’t say. I’m from out of town.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: anyone can start a marathon.
Ask Al
"When is the best time to save money?" When you have some. Will Rogers said, "The time to save is now. When a dog gets a bone, he doesn’t go out and make a down payment on a bigger bone. He buries the one he’s got."
"What state does the Mississippi River end in?" A liquid state.
"If it takes one man four days to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build the same wall?" It would take no time at all. The wall was already built by the one guy.
"Do you ever suffer from writer's block?" I'm not sure if any other writers live on my block. Why should I get writer's block? My father never had farmer’s block.
Swedes are also another name for rutabagas
I offered a handshake and a howdy.
The woman said, "Sit down, sit down, sit down."
She was welcoming, but I looked for two other people who might have entered the room with me.
Her husband greeted me. He’d just come in from outside and was wearing earmuffs that looked like hamburger buns. His wife brought a snack for us. He kidded that she wasn't much of a cook. He said that she was asked to bring the toothpicks for the church potluck.
"Do you have any Swedish blood?" the man asked.
I told him that my Grandma Cook, nee Sundstrom, came from Sweden.
"Let me tell you something about Swedes," he said.
"Here we go," I thought.
He continued, "Nicest people I've ever encountered."
Phew.
The woman brought out the family Bible to show me some of her Swedish ancestry. Her grip loosened and her entire family tumbled to the floor.
Continuing education
I listened to Doug Duncan, chief economist with Fannie Mae, speak in Mankato. Duncan grew up on a dairy farm near Fergus Falls. His father was fond of saying, "If you're going to have a good crop in October, the tractor has to start in March."
Duncan lives in Cape Coral, Florida, where so many Baby Boomers have retired to, that his children refer to the place as “God’s waiting room.”
Duncan said that homeownership peaks in people in their mid 60s. More young adults are living at home with their parents than ever before. Both sides see the downside of that situation. Duncan isn’t a proponent of the self-esteem moment, saying that U.S. students are 29th in the world in math, but are number one in feeling good about it.
He talked to a landlord in San Jose, California, who said that renters are commonly charged pet fees.
Duncan said that economists have three rules of forecasting. If you give a number, don't give a date. If you give a date, don't give a number. If you get it right, don't look surprised.
Raise a leg in memory
I ate breakfast at Mi Casa in Juneau, Alaska. There was a lovely wood carving of an owl near the cash register. A sign indicated that it was dedicated to the memory of Sapo, a previous owner’s dog, a Shih Tzu. The carving of the raptor had been on the floor during Sapo’s lifetime. Each day, Sapo raised a leg on the owl. When the dog died, the owner, despite claiming to dislike Sapo, had the carving spruced up and made into a memorial.
The Nation’s Capital
After speaking in Washington, D.C., I searched the Vietnam Veterans Memorial for a family member who died there, hoping that I’d be unable to locate it and he’d still be alive. I found his name on the Wall.
I must have looked like a tour guide as a couple questioned me about a monument. I told them that I was from Minnesota. "I’m sorry," they said in unison. Someone asked if there was a law that the White House must be white. A child whined, "Couldn’t we see this online?"
Nature notes
"Why do robins stay here in winter?" Robins can tolerate cold temperatures if food is abundant and snow isn’t too deep. Robins persist until food supplies are exhausted, then move on. The advantage to condensed migrations is that robins have shorter distances to travel to breeding territories in the spring.
Meeting adjourned
If you want to be great, be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
I fall asleep while watching TV.
Big deal. Everybody does that.
While walking by a TV in a store?
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: today is one of those days when it’s too easy to make a missteak.
The cafe chronicles
A group of men sat at the table, each a farmer emeritus. One said, "I’m so old and weak that I can barely lift this cup of coffee." A second added, "My cataracts are so bad I can hardly see my coffee cup." A third volunteered, "I had trouble voting because of my arthritic hands." A Pioneer-capped fellow yelled, "What? Speak up! I can’t hear you!" Another coffee drinker said, "I can’t turn my head to follow the conversation because of my chronically stiff neck." Another exclaimed, "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy." A man admitted, "I forget where I am and where I’m going." "I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old," winced the oldest, shaking his head slowly, "but we should count our blessings. Thank goodness we can all still drive here every morning."
Digging the day
We were digging a hole. My father’s side of the hole was much deeper than mine. He must have been using a bigger spade. As I shoveled, I whistled the theme to "The Great Escape." I don’t believe it was a secret tunnel, but I forget whether we were burying something or digging something up. My father grumbled a bit about my output.
"Are you saying that I'm the kind of guy who doesn't do his share of the work?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, refusing to kindly beat around the bush.
Halloween in the rearview mirror
My granddaughter Hadley, a second grader, told me that she’d gone to a haunted house for Halloween. I asked her if it had been a scary place.
"No," she laughed.
"Did you cry?" I asked.
"Yes."
Peripatetic
I was getting a hotel room. I'd stayed there before. They offered a continental breakfast, but it was a cooked continental breakfast.
The hotel clerk asked if I wanted a smoking or non-smoking room.
"I don't smoke," I replied.
She said, "Not a problem."
I was relieved to hear that.
It reminded me of the time I’d stopped at a convenience store that was located so far from most people that it was a convenience to only a few. I was surprised with how much bread was offered on the shelves. As I checked out, I said to the manager, "You must sell a lot of bread here."
"Not really," he said, "but the guy who sells me bread, he sells a lot of bread."
In grief, an appreciation
As a boy, I listened to my father's music. He favored cowboys who sang forlornly while making their guitars cry. There was no uncontrolled sobbing, but they sang of heartache. I know heartache. Most of us do. My sister Georgianna died. She was a remarkable person who made my world a better place. I was lucky to have her as a sister and miss her dearly.
Customer comments
Pat Brey of New Richland wrote, "I was sitting in husband Ron's office and mentioned a bird outside his window. We looked at it. It was mostly white with gray on its wings. 'Do you know what bird it is, Ron?' He said, 'Maybe a sparrow.' I said, 'Sparrows have brown on their wings, don't they?' Ron said, 'Who do you think I am, Al Batt?'"
Jeff Montgomery of Alexandria said that his son played soccer, but never gave 100 percent on the field because he wanted to save himself for the buffet after the game.
Mike Veeck, owner of the St. Paul Saints baseball team, said that one board of directors voted for his dismissal from a job by a 12 to 0 vote. What really hurt was that his mother was on that board.
Talking with the Holstein
The Holstein is a retired dairy cow, so she has time to talk. I asked for her thoughts on deer hunting.
The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully before saying, "I can’t believe that deer don’t understand that pumpkins with legs are hunters."
Nature notes
Bald eagle mortality is highest during its first year of life — as high as 72 percent within one year of fledging. About 10 percent survive five years.
Meeting adjourned
May everyone be as kind to you as you are to them.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
I'm drinking too much coffee.
Why do you say that?
Because I’m awake.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: brawl, scuffle, fracas, and battle are fighting words.
The cafe chronicles
He salted every food item but the pie. His doctor told him to cut back, but he was a rebel. The MD told him that he needed to exercise, saying, "Would you rather exercise an hour a day or be dead 24 hours a day?"
The discussion was about daylight-saving time. The fellow picked salt from between his teeth before saying, "Leave it to the government to cut a foot off the top of my blanket, sew it onto the bottom of the blanket, and then tell me that I have a longer blanket."
Rambling around
The roads were overcrowded and under construction. A truck accelerated so when the driver put the pedal to the metal that it passed everything on the road except a gas pump. A Mini Cooper driver enjoyed a beverage from a cup bigger than the car. That sight caused me to pull off the highway into a McDonald's in pursuit of an iced tea. As I waited, a man in line watched a football game on his cellphone. The cheerleaders exhorted the fans to chant, "Dee-fense." The crowd came back with something that sounded like "Duh-fence." Why don't they ever chant "Offense"?
A woman with three small, screaming kids was just ahead of me. "I'd like three Happy Meals," she told the clerk. I hope the Happy Meals worked.
Boys of all ages
James Thurber said, "Boys are beyond the range of anybody’s sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years."
Over a couple weeks, I encountered a good number of 90-year-olds. That was a good thing. I learn from them. One told me that when he turned 50, he figured he would die soon. He decided that nothing would ever make him angry again. For some reason, he thought that meant he’d never die.
"That works?" I asked.
"Well," he said, "it has so far."
The other day, someone asked me, "Guess who died?"
I didn't want to guess. The question reminded me of my Grandma Batt who was fond of saying, "Whatshisname died again."
The man was dying. His family gathered about him in his bedroom. From his bed, he called to his wife. She responded. She'd been with him when he went bankrupt. She stuck with him when he went bankrupt a second time. She was bad luck, but he loved her. He called to each of his five children. Each called back.
"Is the entire family here?" he asked.
"Yes," they replied, "we're all here for you."
There was a pause before he said, "Then why is the living room light still on?"
I was eating their words
The menu showed, "Wild Copper River Salmon with Creamy Balsamic Rosemary, Caramelized Onions, and Wild Mushrooms."
The price was nearly as long.
Dan Jurafsky, a professor of linguistics at Stanford, wrote in his book, "The Language of Food," that every additional letter in the description of a dish results in an increase of 69 cents in the price of that dish. Jurafsky found that the words "exotic" and "spices" also raised prices. Expensive restaurants tend to describe where the food comes from. Linguistic fillers such as "mouth-watering," "sublime," and "crispy" are featured most often on cheap menus. I’m looking for a menu that says "Food" and nothing more.
The news from Hartland
I don’t know much about cooking other than I can cook most anything by hitting the popcorn button on the microwave enough times. I do know that the Village Inn in Hartland is closing December 12. Sad news. It’s an eatery par excellence.
More bad news. The Freeborn Congregational United Church of Christ is ceasing operation after 141 years. The final worship service will be on December 28.
The good news. Happy 57th anniversary to Donald and Glenda Batt. My family makes it great to be me.
Talking with the Holstein
The Holstein is a retired dairy cow, so she has time to talk. I asked her why forgiveness is difficult.
The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully before saying, "The first step to forgiveness is the realization that the other party is a complete knucklehead."
Customer comments
• Helen Abramson of Meadowlands sent, "A new study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it."
• Harold "Hap" Hagen of New Richland showed me a lovely painting on a circular saw blade of two houses he’d lived in. Art is the loveliest when it has special meaning.
Nature notes
The common carp, native to Europe and Asia, was introduced into Midwest waters as a gamefish in the 1880s. Its feeding muddies water and causes the decline of aquatic plants needed by waterfowl and fish.
Meeting adjourned
If you’re of school age, you’re out of danger of being killed by kindness.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
What are you doing today?
I'm tying flies.
I didn't know you were a fisherman.
I'm not. I enjoy binding insects.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I know it’s harvest time when I mosey to town and spend far more time looking out the side windows than I do peering through the windshield.
Shopping with Allen
My job when we go grocery shopping is to stay by the cart. My wife picked up a bag of sugar and placed it into the shopping cart. I read the back of the bag.
"Just look at the sugar content in this," I said in feigned outrage.
Comments like that are why I often go shopping alone. One day, I bought light bulbs, nothing more. The friendly cashier asked, "Is that everything for you?"
I replied, "Yes, I'm a light eater."
The secret to eternal youth is to lie about your age
Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "The years teach much which the days never know."
I went to my Aunt Edith’s funeral. She died nearing her 106th birthday. My cousin Richard Lewis officiated. He told us, "The young may die, the old must."
"What's it like being 90?" I asked a friend one day.
"It's like being 17, 73 years later."
I said that we become old if we’re lucky.
He said that he’d become old in July. That was when he moved into the nursing home.
He played baseball for a farm team. Johnson Brothers Alfalfa Farm. He told me, "One day, you realize that you're never going to play in the World Series."
"When did that happen to you?" I asked,
"Just yesterday," he said.
Football follies
The coach said that whenever a police car drove by the practice field and some of his players tried to hide in the crowd, he knew he was going to have a good football team.
I listened to a coach on something called "The Coaches' Corner" on the radio. I pictured a forlorn coach sitting in the corner until he learned how to win.
A day in the life of a newspaper columnist
I was at Kirby's Café in Emmetsburg. The waitress took my order. I told her that I wanted unsweetened iced tea. She smiled and said, "You're in luck. That's one of the two flavors we have."
I visited with Barb Thompson of New Richland. I noticed the small TV mounted on the wall. I asked why she didn't have a larger one. Barb said, "I like to watch a little TV."
Members of my family visited with Swan Tollefson of New Richland. He asked my sister-in-law Donna who she was. She replied, "I'm Duane Swenson's daughter." It’s too easy to misspeak, but I had to laugh. She's married to Duane Swenson.
My young grandson, Crosby, was visiting his great-grandmother Lorraine Nelson of New Richland. He’s a talker (Winston Evenson said that he is our family’s spokesperson), but he's a listener, too. The talk moved to memories of his great-great-grandmothers. Crosby listened for a while before asking, "How many grandmas do I have?"
Customer comments
• Henry Armknecht of Hays, Kansas, said he sometimes forgets that he doesn’t remember as well as he used to.
• Rob Bute of New Ulm and I watched a basketball game from front row seats. The game was fast and rough. The referees hadn’t swallowed their whistles, but had given them a game off. Perhaps they felt it’d build character. Naturally, from our seats, we could see fouls much better than the referees who were paid to do that job. After a particularly brutal foul went unaccompanied by a whistle, Rob said, "I could referee this game and I was a wrestler."
• Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario sends, "My neighbour was knocking on my door at 2:30 this morning. Luckily, I was still up playing the bagpipes."
• Dennis Galagan lives within the city limits of Albert Lea, but he still has the north 40 and the south 40. Each one is 40 inches of garden space.
• Charlotte Olerud of Haines, Alaska told me about an 80-year-old woman who gave the graduation speech at a high school and said, "Your senior moments aren't my senior moments."
Nature notes
"Does a bird sweat?" No, it controls its body temperature by panting with opened mouth and via heat loss from featherless legs and feet.
Meeting adjourned
"Your true worth is determined by how much more you give in value than you take in payment." — Bob Burg
More...
Echoes from the Loafers' Club Meeting
What are you thinking about?
Nothing.
How can you think about nothing?
I pace myself.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: a body at rest is probably a cat.
The cafe chronicles
The cafe was rural. The talk was cornversation. The breakfast special was cream of what. I attended a Loafers’ Club Meeting in Salina, Kansas. "Good morning to you," one said.
"And the rest of the day to you," I responded.
I asked one fellow how long he’d lived in Salina. He answered, "Sixty-eight years so far."
He asked where I was from. I told him. He had spent time in Minnesota last winter. He added, "I wouldn't want to be a cow in that weather."
That was a good point, but I wouldn't want to be a cow in any weather.
I told them that I take my wife to a snazzy restaurant regularly. On our anniversary, we go inside. That’s where we wait in line before being seated at their 17th to 23rd best table.
No hat trick
I was working at Kansas Wesleyan University in the Fitzpatrick Theatre. As I scanned the impressive audience, I noticed an odd thing. There were only two hats being worn, both of the baseball-cap variety. One was worn by a college-aged student and the other by a fellow of retirement age. It reminded me of my wife’s family reunion, the one with the good folding chairs. A prospective inductee into the clan wore a cap to the dinner table. Aunt Ingeborg told him to remove his cap in a voice loud enough to be heard by everyone in town except those with severe hearing loss. The young man, refusing to remove his cap, stormed off. Ingeborg said that it was no great loss.
Coach, cat, and Chevette
The coach exhorted us to get out there and bust a gut.
"Any questions?" he asked.
I had one, "My gut or someone else's?"
What we had was a failure to communicate. It was like that cat and me. I was doing some yard work when I saw the feline. It wasn't my cat. I didn't want it there. I told the cat to scram. English wasn't the cat’s first language. It watched me through eyes that saw me as a doofus with thumbs. It shared my yard with me.
The driver shared the road. Others could have everything in his exhaust fumes. His heap accelerated from 0 to 60 mph in less than a day, yet he raced from one traffic signal to the next. A dream catcher hung from the rearview mirror of his rusty, battered Chevette. He had some dreaming to do.
Life is like chasing a rainbow. You’ll never catch it. So you’d better enjoy the chase.
Customer comments
• Dan Baffa of Salina, Kansas, told me that when he started smoking, he didn't want his parents to know, so he’d make excuses to step outside to have a cigarette. One winter day, when he came back into the house, his mother said, "Cold weather can be hard on a smoker’s lungs."
• Henry Armknecht of Hays, Kansas, said that 98 percent of statistics are made up and the other 2 percent are wrong.
• Roger Boatman of Champlin said his friend is such an Allis-Chalmers enthusiast that he wears orange underwear.
• Jake Bursik of Wausau, Wisconsin, believes that Swedes invented the toilet seat, but it took a Norwegian to think of cutting a hole in it.
• Walt Schmidt of Glendale, Arizona, told me that breaking a cookie before eating it, allows all the calories to escape.
• Sharon Welch of Sturtevant, Wisconsin, said that a friend of hers from Phoenix, Arizona, carries potholders in the summer to use on her car door handles.
• Don Lobitz said that Maynard Speece, one-time farm director on WCCO Radio, commented that there were six children in his family — three boys and three girls. Maynard added, "I was one of the boys."
Investigative reporting
• Hartland Evangelical Lutheran Church Soup & Dessert will be October 27 from 4 to 7.
• Cross of Glory Lutheran Church Soup & Pie will be November 5 from 4:30 to 7.
• Bob Ratigan, a graduate of the local school of considerable learning, and his wife were named grand marshals for the Applefest parade in La Crescent.
Nature notes
Writing spiders, also called garden spiders or Argiope aurantia, are a striking yellow and black. They often live in gardens where they eat pests. The reason for the silk zigzag "writing," known as a stabilimentum, is debated. It may attract prey or prevent birds from flying into it. Folklore says that if you find your name written in the web, you have only a short time to live. If your name is MMMMMMMMM or WWWWWWWWW, you might want to get your affairs in order.
Meeting adjourned
Don’t worry. Be kind.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
Everything I eat tastes like potato chips.
What have you been eating?
Potato chips.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: we are geting older when we remind ourselves of old people we used to know.
The news from Hartland
Global warming leaves some cold.
Barry the Undertaker says his mortuary business is going under.
Rita Book's new book, "Life is Simple," is 1344 pages of small print.
A toast to the toaster
I watched the burned toast rise like a phoenix from the ashes. My wife likes her toast to be more deeply tanned than I like mine. The settings are changed by both of us. I recalled an Illinois couple that I’d talked to. They each had their own toaster, their method of preserving preferred settings.
We like things the way we like things. A local bank had acquired new ownership. A friend seemed concerned about that. I asked him why. He told me that he was worried that they might change the kind of candy that was given to customers.
This written on a napkin from Vivian’s Cafe, a place that exists only in memories
We raised peacocks. One of the beautiful males flew up into a tall tree. I tried to call it down so that I could put it into the henhouse. It refused to fly down. It never did. I figured it had fallen prey to a great horned owl.
My car broke down again. I pushed it. I repeated this as often as necessary. I was Sisyphus taking a drive. I didn’t know that I was rehearsing for the future. I hitchhiked to town. The car that picked me up was in worse shape than mine. It was so bad, I put my hand out the window with my thumb up, hoping to catch a better ride. The driver told me that we’d share expenses. He’d pay for the gas and I’d pay for the oil. I’m glad he was joking as I couldn’t have paid for that much oil.
I went to Einar’s Hardware to buy some cookware for a gift. They were temporarily out of that sort of thing. I guess I’d caught them with their pans down.
I moved a few lima beans around on my plate. The neighbor was an excellent cook. She pickled cucumbers, beets etc. She liked everything pickled except her husband. She liked lima beans. So did my father. He called them butter beans. No matter what they called them, they tasted like lima beans to me.
Customer comments
Betty Gertner of Altoona, Wisconsin recounted the time her father built an outhouse behind their cabin when Betty was a little girl. Her mother bought a 5-pound ham and that was used as the template for the outhouse holes.
Ferd Stadtlander of Rockford and Tom Benson of Hartland both told me of the characters who once resided in their towns. They lamented the absence of those people by asking, "Where are the characters of today?" It was here that they each paused before adding in realization,"I guess I’m one of those characters of today."
Hope Ann Mckinzie of Waseca said that her daughter had put a sofa near the curb with a "Free" sign on it near her home in Roseville. The couch went nowhere. She replaced the free sign with one reading, "For sale. $10." The sofa was quickly stolen.
Talking with the Holstein
The Holstein is a retired dairy cow, so she has the time to talk. I asked her why most diets fail.
The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully before saying, "Eating is easier than exercising."
Nature notes
"Something killed several of my chickens, but ate only the heads. What was it?" A likely culprit would be the great horned owl. It often eats only the head and neck. Feathers found on a fencepost near the chickens provide a clue. Dead chickens show signs of attack on the sides of the head if a mink or weasel had been the perpetrator. These predators often kill several birds and pile them. The back of the head and neck are frequently the only parts consumed. A mink or weasel frequently leaves a musky, skunk-like odor. If a predator eats the head and the breast meat of the dead birds, a raccoon is probably responsible. A skunk prefers to eat the soft insides, sometimes removing the head to drink blood. The opossum generally attacks one bird per visit. Usually, it eats the chicken’s abdomen.
Meeting adjourned
Be kinder.
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
I put my shoes on the wrong feet this morning.
How could you possibly do that?
I had my legs crossed while I was putting on my shoes.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: conceit is nature’s way of identifying idiots.
The news from Hartland
• Thanks to his young son finding out where the paint was stored, Joseph now has a goat of many colors.
• Bob the Olson buys a dog that looks like Brad Pitt so Bob will be happy when he starts looking like his pet.
• The Eat Around It Cafe offers no menus. They don’t want to leave a paper trail.
The cafe chronicles
He said that he comes to the cafe every day because his wife's cooking is so bad, mice bring their own cheese to bait the traps in his house. He considered himself to be a good tipper. He tips 20 percent about 10 percent of the time. He told me that he’d headed for Alden, Minnesota, but ended up in Lake Mills, Iowa, instead. He added, "Those roads don’t know what they are doing."
He hoped his driving faux pas had nothing to do with his age. He knew he was getting long in the tooth when he first became older than a president. Aging is like eating a Dagwood sandwich. When you start out, there appears to be more sandwich than you could eat, but before long you can see the end.
Schooling
The Trix Rabbit had hypnotized me once again into going to school where we crawled under our desks in case of atom bomb attacks and pop quizzes. We were starved for knowledge, but hungry for tater tot hotdish. I wished we’d eaten it with red Kool-Aid, the champagne of nectar. The school bully had no front teeth. He was a bully, but he wasn't good at it. The thing he was best at in school was being there. I sang like a worn brake drum in choir. Rubber horseshoes were supposed to make the game of horseshoes less dangerous, but I figured horses wore them in rainy weather.
Smaller town
It was a small town far from home that was conveniently located in the middle of nowhere. I checked into the motel. The clerk gave me a brochure showing the events going on in town. There wasn't a lot going on. That was proven by the photo of me checking into the motel that was in the brochure.
I stopped at the drinking fountain in the park to have a drink on the city. It was sad that the once bustling town now had "closed" as its most common business. Built on a one-way street, the city is so small, that if you drove past it, you’d have to go around the world to get back to it.
Customer comments
Xan Johnson of New Richland told me that the late Johnny Greenwood of New Richland didn’t care how much money he had as long as he could pull another dollar bill from his wallet.
Dr. Albert Flor, a retired dentist from New Richland, whose age has ventured well into the 90s, was asked if he still worked on teeth. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pliers while saying, "I still do some on the side."
Jim Clark of Stevens Point said that his late friend Don Breilein of New Richland would ask this question, "Where is your sandbox? This cat has to scratch."
Duane Swenson of rural Waseca said that his phone rang and the caller said, "This survey will take only a few minutes." Duane replied, "It will take even less time than that," and hung up.
Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario sent this, "In my day, we had to remember phone numbers, give people directions and don't get me started on the dinosaurs."
Craig Jensen of Geneva asked his high school football coach, Jim Clark, if Clark’s grandmother had been an All-American football player. He asked because the coach was fond of telling his players, "Even my grandmother could block and tackle better than you guys."
Nature notes
Tom Belshan of Glenville asked why turkey vulture numbers have increased. There are several reasons. The banning of DDT and expanded deer and small mammal populations that led to a corresponding increase in the number of wildlife carcasses.
Meeting adjourned
"Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind." —Henry James
Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
How much is dinner?
It's all you can eat for $12.
Give me $20 worth. I'm really hungry.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Velcro shoes are a rip-off.
The news from Hartland
• Buff Orpington has a cart pulled by sheep. It runs on sheer woolpower
• The Nice to Meat You butcher shop holds a meat and greet.
• Rover, his parents wanted a dog, straightened things out at work and lost his job at the pretzel factory.
The cafe chronicles
The menu said two eggs any style. I considered Gangnam Style, but I wasn't sure what that was.
Farm rules
Sometimes, when I open my mouth, my father comes out.
Dad took the slow road. A good idea, as forever goes by fast. He was a farmer who agreed with Jonathan Swift, who said, "Whoever makes two ears of corn or two blades of grass to grow where only one grew before, deserves better of mankind, and does more essential service to his country than the whole race of politicians put together."
He taught me things. Things like the following.
It isn’t farming if you don't have to do it more than once.
Figure out how long it takes to do a job and then double it.
Done seldom is.
Do what you have to do so you can do what you want to do.
A needed stop
I'd been traveling more than a third-string point guard.
I was between dirty looks. That meant it was my anniversary.
I needed to make one more stop before going home. When Coach Jim Clark made our team run laps, there was always one more lap to run. There is always one more stop needed.
The man greeted me as I entered his room. He had a face worn by weather and time. He was a man who had never gotten used to many conveniences. He was like a dog that loved to run free and hated to be leashed. It limited cavorting. The man had grown sturdy. His eyebrows had become bushy enough to look as if they could cavort on their own. His body had him leashed to his room, which had become his departure lounge.
He was fond of using what he referred to as "two-cylinder" words, short ones. He was never one to pass up a day of fishing for work. He worked hard when he worked, but saw no need to one day be the richest man in the cemetery. He asked if I’d be willing to cry at his funeral. I was willing.
He said that his youngest grandson had asked him, "Grandpa, were you on Noah's ark?"
"Good golly, no", said his grandfather.
"Then how come you didn't drown when the flood came?"
Talking with the Holstein
The Holstein is a retired dairy cow, so she has the time to talk. She asked me if I was considering taking an overseas job I’d been offered. I told her that I hadn’t decided yet.
The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully before saying, "That’s good. Knowledge brings doubts. Ignorance brings confidence."
Customer comments
• Sue Nasinec of Wells sent this quote from Mae West, "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
• Tim Nelson of New Richland told me that he has a mother-in-law from Hell. She lives in Hell, Norway.
• Winston Beiser of Alden visited Egypt. He arrived home to rainy weather. He said that after seeing so many deserts, he realized what a blessing abundant rainfall is.
Did you know?
The night Abraham Lincoln was shot, he was carrying a pocket knife, a watch fob, an Irish linen handkerchief, a brown leather wallet, a crisp new Confederate $5 bill, two pairs of gold-rimmed eyeglasses, and eight newspaper clippings. One of the spectacles was held together with string.
Nature notes
"Does a thin brown band on a woolly bear caterpillar indicate a harsh winter?" The amount of brown on a woolly bear is related to its age. If a caterpillar emerged from the egg early, it had more time to grow and develop a large brown band. If the woolly bear emerged late, it wouldn’t have had time to grow anything other than a thin band. Thus, the band tells us more about the past winter than the upcoming one.
Meeting adjourned
Francis of Assisi said, "A single sunbeam is enough to drive away many shadows."
A single kind word is capable of the same thing.