Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

“Would you like a glass of water?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Would you like anything else to drink? We offer a number of fine beverages.”

“Water is fine. I just want to rinse out a few things.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: never judge a book by its movie.

Things I’ve learned

1. You are full-grown if you grunt whenever you bend over to pick up something.

2. Thanks to Wii, it’s possible to become stiff and sore while pretending to play tennis.

3. Casinos remind us that there are more ways for money to be lost than won.

School days

I had a box that held eight crayons. I moved up to a box of 16 crayons. I was envious of the kids who had 48 crayons in a box or 64 crayons. Eventually, I became the proud owner of a box of 64 crayons. It was the highlight of my senior year.

The dumpster

I was eating sweet corn on a sweltering day. The temperature is never right. The corn was a meal fit for a king. Maybe too good for royalty. I had purchased the ears from a roadside vendor. You know the kind. An old truck, a hand-painted “Sweet corn” sign, and a young person selling corn and working on a tan. I had the seller pick out the ears. I did that in case the corn wasn’t good. Then it wouldn’t be my fault. As I munched away, I looked outside at a dumpster in my yard. The dumpster was there because we were getting a new roof. A storm had destroyed the old roof. The dumpster was being filled with the remains of that old roof. When the job was completed, the dumpster was not quite full. I filled it with the flotsam and jetsam of other projects. It’s impossible not to fill a dumpster.

Going to college with cockroaches

A day is like one of those pizza by-the-slice places. Everybody gets a slice but no one gets the same one.

I lived in a condemned building in Minneapolis. A prominent sign on the front door said, “Unfit for human habitation.” That meant that it was O.K. to rent to college students. It was the first place I ever saw a cockroach. I saw countless cockroaches there. My roommate would get up in the middle of the night and use my shoes to smash the cockroaches on the wall.

When it came time to move to a building that was not yet condemned, the landlord told me that I needed to make sure I left the apartment the way I had found it.

It wasn’t easy finding enough cockroaches to replace all those that my roommate had killed.

He wasn’t the Avon man

As a boy, I wasn’t sure that my mother ever slept. She was up before me in the morning, no matter how early I arose. She went to bed after me, no matter how late I stayed awake.

I thought about that as a farmer named Roger told me a story of when he was a young man, long before he became a CBA (he defined it--Corn, Beans, Arizona).

Roger was saying goodnight to the young woman he was dating. She would become his wife. It was past midnight and the two were kissing at the front door of her house. All parents know that nothing good happens after midnight. Roger was so focused on smooching that he didn’t hear her mother come downstairs. His future mother-in-law snarled, “What do you want, Roger?”

Roger had no answer.

His elbow had been leaning against the doorbell.   

Nature notes

“How many broods does a tree swallow have?” Tree swallows typically have only one brood per season, unless a nest attempt fails. They will renest in such a case. Another bird that inhabits bluebird nest boxes, the black-capped chickadee, also has one brood each year.

“Do fake owls discourage birds?” No. Crow hunters use fake owls to attract birds.

“Why do turtles cross roads?” To get to the Shell station. Typically, it's a female turtle crossing the road to find warm, gravelly soil that is conducive for digging. This is where she lays her eggs.

Meeting adjourned

Leo Buscaglia said, “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”