Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

“Did you find out what’s wrong with my car?”

“There’s nothing wrong with your car.”

“If I’d have known that, I could have fixed it myself.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if you can’t cook, don’t criticize another’s cooking.

Things I’ve learned

1. If someone tells you not to drink the water, don’t drink the water.

2. Vampires encourage kids to read books.

3. Someone looks up the word “dictionary” in a dictionary.

My neighbor

My neighbor Dan Druff told me that the last time he played hide-and-seek, he was a small boy, and he was it. He never found anyone so he is still it. So don’t hide around him. He says that a man needs to romance his wife. That’s why he puts his dirty clothes near the hamper. 

Wisdom gleaned from nursing home visits

1. Don’t save your best teeth for the graveyard.

2. Never miss a chance to go for a walk.

3. Always carry a handkerchief.

In a handbasket

There was a spot on our farm where I went to yell. I could yell from anywhere on the farm, but this one place offered an echo. It was a duet yourself kit.

One day I hollered something that I had heard regularly as a boy. I heard it at the café, the hardware store, and the elevator.

“The world is going to hell in a handbasket.”

I tried to picture naughty people sitting in burning handbaskets. The problem was that I wasn’t sure what a handbasket was. The closest I could come was a bushelbasket. The cartoon bubble over my head showed a bad guy in a bushelbasket surrounded by flames.

When I yelled, “The world is going to hell in a bushelbasket,” the echo agreed with me.

Blue Cross wouldn’t cover it

It was toast buttered, salted, and/or peppered to taste, and then covered with warm milk. It was something eaten by a sick person. Proponents claimed that it went down easy. I never found that to be true. I think it was because of the name of the concoction. Graveyard stew.

The tree house

We built a tree house. We placed the crudely built structure in a solid tree. It wasn’t a tall tree, but it spread wide and grew in a manner that invited the presence of a tree house. The only things that looked like ants from up in that tree house were ants.

We had guinea fowl that patrolled the area under the tree house. They were of the pearl variety — gray with small white spots. Studies have shown that guineas are consumers of ticks. We liked guineas. Anything that eats a tick is worth having around. The females called, “Come back, come back, come back.” The male and female guineas were good watchbirds. They made loud and long alarm cries at the slightest disturbance. Most were false alarms. They constantly alerted us to the invisible, nomadic people moving through the farm. My father believed that those cries would drive rats away. Lucky us, we had rats, ticks, and guinea fowl that we called “guinea hens.” 

From the bleachers

I was watching 10-year-old girls play fastpitch softball. It’s a great game and the girls give me hope. During the game, a man came from a house near the field and walked his leashed dog across the outfield. The outfielders at these games do not play deep, so the man and dog had room to roam. The dog stopped in centerfield and did one of those things that a dog does. It completed the higher number of the two acts you are considering. The man had a baggie and scooped the poop. No one applauded, but it was something you would never see at Target Field.

Nature notes

It’s a myth that daddy longlegs are the world’s most poisonous spiders. Spiders are venomous, not poisonous. Venomous animals store toxins internally and release them by biting or stinging. Poisonous animals typically secrete toxins through their skin so that whatever creature bites or touches them is poisoned. The daddy longlegs we have here isn’t a spider. It’s a harvestman — an arachnid that has no fangs, no venom, and produces no silk.

Damselfly or dragonfly? Damselflies appear slim and dainty. While at rest, they fold their wings above their back. Dragonflies are larger and at rest, hold their wings outstretched and flat.

Meeting adjourned

Be kind. Never look down on anyone you are not helping up.