The past two summers, I challenged some of my students to help me with some columns over the break. They gave me the first and last lines of a potential fictional short story. My task was to take those lines and write the middle. It was a lot of fun, so I’ve asked my students to help me again. This week’s inspiration was provided by Katy Zimmerman.
One day as I was jousting with Danny DeVito, I came to a realization. Well, okay, let’s back up a step; I can see that look in your eyes. Jousting with Danny DeVito? Where were you, a Renaissance Fair or something?
So I don’t mean literal jousting, like with the long pole while on horseback. This was verbal jousting, jabbing at each other via Twitter. And it wasn’t even the real Danny DeVito; this was the account called Danny DeVito Facts, with someone who worshipped the actor. I liked to achillize this character, and his ripostes were just as good.
Anyway, long story short, I came to this important realization: I spent too much time on Twitter. This Danny DeVito bit wasn’t my only “must see” account; I also followed Whalefact, where I learned a lot about whales, most of which I didn’t need to know, and Faces in Things, with random photos of items that looked a lot like faces. I knew I needed to get more of a life than staring at my phone during the day, eagerly anticipating the latest posts from these folks. After all, some new study just came out that said people my age were developing bone spurs in our heads because we stare down at our screens too much.
Okay, it was time to get going on a new way of life. Of course, I couldn’t just give up Twitter and my other social media accounts cold turkey – where else would I learn that whales don’t fit on school buses? Still, I maybe needed to check each one twice a day instead of the 10-12 times I was now.
So what to do with all this spare time? I vowed to get healthier and work out more. As part of this, I needed to determine some playlists for those workouts; I simply couldn’t exercise in silence. The fitness center had televisions, but the point was to try to look at screens less. The televisions could and probably would be on, especially if others were there, but I could just put in my earbuds and get moving.
When it comes to music, I have eclectic tastes. I don’t really like too much of what is considered current and hip. A few songs from the last couple years would make the cut, like “Old Town Road,” but I was most partial to some get-me-going songs from the ‘70s and ‘80s. Queen was always good for some motivational music, along with some hard rock from AC/DC and Metallica. The Rolling Stones and Aerosmith had to be part of this mix. I even included songs from Prince and Michael Jackson, two artists who I considered quintessential to pop music in the ‘80s.
Now I know that both of those last two left this life in a difficult way. And I know there have been a lot of accusations and revelations about Jackson that are truly disturbing. I was really torn at first since his music was SO GOOD. It’s a little bit like watching reruns of The Cosby Show after Bill Cosby was convicted of all those horrible things – there’s just a feeling of being uncomfortable, even though you like the product that was produced before you knew those things.
It was coincidental then that I was just coming into the fitness center when I heard two people engaged in a discussion about that very topic: whether or not we should continue to enjoy the art produced by people like Michael Jackson and Bill Cosby now that we know they did some bad things. I didn’t pay a lot of attention to them, though, since I wanted to get my workout in and get on to some other plans I had for the day. So I put in my earbuds, hit play, and got moving.
Partway through my workout, I noticed that one of the people had turned a television on to a news report about, of all people, Michael Jackson. I could see by the scroll on the bottom that the topic was the Leaving Neverland special on Netflix, about the allegations against Jackson. I looked back at my playlist and noticed that some of his music was just about to begin. The coincidence factor was becoming eerie!
I got back to focusing on my lifting, deciding to ignore the television. As the first song started, a new person came into the fitness center. Suddenly, I heard raised voices. This new person didn’t like the special that was on and made it clear, even through my earbuds, that he didn’t like anything to do with Michael Jackson. I got up to wipe down my station and was trying to decide if I should do a couple more things or be done for the day.
The argument continued as I put the towel away. That cemented my decision just to pack up and leave; I didn’t need moral conundrums at the fitness center. The final coincidence came as I was ready to turn off my music and walk out the door. The person who had started the argument shouted one more angry retort and headed toward the door. And as he did that, in my music just then, Michael Jackson roared his last, “He, he.”
Word of the Week: This week’s word is achillize, which means to harass or chase, as in, “The pet owner enjoyed the ability to get home from work and achillize his dog in order to give both of them some exercise.” Impress your friends and confuse your enemies!