Echoes from the Loafers' Club Meeting
"How come you never offer me a penny for my thoughts?"
"It's because your thoughts aren't worth a penny."
"Some are."
"Which ones?"
“It'll cost you a penny to find out."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if you plan to take the road less traveled, make sure you have enough gas.
I've learned
1. It, is, easy, to, use, too, many, commas.
2. I like warm sheets and cold pillows.
3. That it's not really tailgating if the bumpers aren't touching.
Scene from a marriage
I made a mistake while shopping. I bought something that required sizing. Husbands should tread lightly in the arena of buying things that come in specific sizes. I made a further error by buying it in a size that was too big for my bride. Egad! If you are going to buy something for your wife and you are not sure of the size, tend to buy it in a size too small. You will still be wrong, but you will be complimentary. Remember the man’s rule — never overestimate age, weight, or size.
Dying to be there
Deb Kenison of Ellendale said that she once asked her father if he was going to a man's funeral. Her father replied, "No. Why should I? He's not going to go to mine."
Counting birds and sweet rolls
I was tired. I had been up late working and then up early to do a Christmas Bird Count. I had just finished a long hike in pursuit of bird sightings and was feeling a bit peckish. I stopped at a supermarket to buy a sweet roll. The cashier asked how many baked items were in my bag. I told him one. He asked me if I was sure. Well, of course, I was sure. I told him that he could count it if he liked. He said that wouldn't be necessary and rang up my purchase. I got to the car and opened the bag. There were two rolls in it. I had bought one for my wife. My mind, groggy and preoccupied with birds, had forgotten the second roll. I rushed back into the store and paid the cashier for the second roll.
I hoped I had been better at counting birds than I’d been at counting sweet rolls.
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
It snowed. It was a hard snow.
I tried not to get my hopes up, but it kept snowing. I debated whether it was worth doing my homework. Why would I do homework if school was going to be canceled?
It continued to snow. I listened to the guy on the radio give the school closings. He was likely enjoying his peak audience.
I listened and waited. And waited. And waited.
School was closed — finally.
I high-fived the disembodied voice of a radio announcer that I would never meet.
Good things do come to those who wait.
Did you know?
If JFK were alive today, he would be 94.
U.S. Census Bureau figures show that 20 percent of jewelry store sales happen in December.
Ten percent of Americans play golf.
The corner of the mouth is called a “wick."
According to Roll Call, the total Congressional net worth has increased 24% since 2008.
Artificial Christmas trees make up 61% of the market.
Colonel is an honorary title given to all auctioneers; not all use it. It comes from the Civil War. Only those officers with the rank of at least a colonel could divide the spoils of war, using the bidding process for this purpose.
Nature notes
According to recent press release, the Cornell Lab of Ornithology’s Project FeederWatch for 2010-11 showed the chickadee as the most common bird at the feeders. It was followed in order by the downy woodpecker, blue jay, dark-eyed junco, white-breasted nuthatch, American goldfinch, hairy woodpecker, northern cardinal, house finch, and house sparrow. House sparrows and European starlings are showing a decline and Cooper's hawks are being seen at more feeders than ever before.
Talking to the Holstein
I was talking to the Holstein the other day. The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. I asked the Holstein if she made New Year’s resolutions.
The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, “I have resolved to say only nice things about people. I do hope that it doesn’t prove to be a vow of silence.”
Meeting adjourned
“Forget injuries, never forget kindness.”—Confucius