ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING
“I don’t expect anything from life. There’s only one problem with that.”
“What’s that?”
“I often get what I expect.”
DRIVING BY THE BRUCES
I have two wonderful neighbors--both named Bruce--who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if I want 3-D, I’ll look out a window.
I’VE LEARNED
1. If a man buys his wife clothing, he is better off buying it too small than too large.
2. Never to ask my wife to straighten my necktie when she is mad at me.
3. That when dining, I should always order the mild sauce.
MY NEIGHBOR
My neighbor Mort Postem is the local undertaker. He’s a millionaire worth several thousand dollars. His funeral home has a motto over its door, “School tablet, aspirin tablet, stone tablet.” Mort told me that there are two cities named Oslo in Minnesota. He says you can never be sure where you are when you are in Oslo, Minnesota.
MERLE
There were many men named Merle when I was growing up. Wakefield, Vokoun, Michaelson, Shurson, and Bartness. I’m sure I haven’t named all the Merles I knew. They were good guys named Merle. Only Merle Bartness survives. I don’t run into kids named Merle. The world could use more Merles.
WHISTLING TRAINS
Hartland has become a whistle-stop without a whistle. The train not only doesn’t stop, it no longer runs through town. The tracks are abandoned. The only whistle we hear is the noon whistle. It acts as an alarm clock for some. I miss the noise of the train. The occasional sounds of a fire truck or ambulance come close to a train’s whistle. Al Miller of Waseca told me that a friend of his winters in a senior citizen trailer park in Florida. The friend added that the average age of the folks living in the 70-unit area is such that the ambulance drives in twice a day. I’ll bet they’d love to hear a train whistle instead of an ambulance siren.
THERE IS A CARP ON LINE ONE
Minnesota is the land of 15,291 lakes—give or take and depending upon who is counting. There are so many lakes that fish are common roadkill. I stopped along a marshy lake to look at waterfowl one day. As I stepped from my vehicle, I nearly stepped on a dead carp. Near the carp was a smashed cell phone. Maybe the carp had been making a fin call when a car hit it. I wondered if the phone had been dropped accidentally or if someone became so frustrated with the device that he or she destroyed it. I pictured a guy slamming it to the ground and then jumping on it repeatedly. I thought of the words of Bjarne Stroustrup, who said, “I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone.”
THE T-SHIRT SAID
On a ferry from Haines to Juneau, Alaska, “Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?”
CAFÉ CHRONICLES
I love the sounds of a café. The noise is welcoming and warming without being irritating as long as no TV is blaring. I overheard this conversation at a nearby table.
The waitress said, “And if you're over 65, the price will be only $7.00 instead of $7.50.”
The diner looked at the menu for a bit before replying, “I’m not going to admit to being that old for only fifty cents.”
ANOTHER PHILOSOPHER SPEAKS
A friend from Albert Lea greeted me, “It’s good to see you because then I know that I’m still here.”
NATURE NOTES
“What is the saying about thunder and frost?” The first frost of autumn will occur six months after the first thunderstorm in spring.
“Those raised tunnels on my lawn—are they the work of voles or moles?” They are evidence of mole activity. Moles eat earthworms primarily. They will eat grubs, but using grub control products as a method of controlling moles is ineffective. Voles, often called meadow mice or field mice, eat bark, grasses, seeds, and insects.
“What makes the blue snow in my yard?” The urine of rabbits or deer that have eaten buckthorn.
“What state has the most bald eagle nests?” According to the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service, Alaska has the most, then Minnesota, Florida, Wisconsin, and Washington.
“How can I tell male and female bald eagles apart?” When seen together, the female will be noticeably larger.
MEETING ADJOURNED
The door of wisdom hinges on kindness.