Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
I did what any honest man would do.
And what was that?
I didn't think you'd know.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Exercise does no good if you don’t tell everyone about it. Most things are more fun than a barrel of monkeys. Delusion creates confidence.
The cafe chronicles
You couldn’t tell me from a dill pickle.
I complained that there was no meat in my sandwich.
The waitress responded, "You must have bit past it. You should have ordered the beets."
"I haven’t liked beets since the accident," I said.
"What accident was that?"
"The time I accidentally ate some beets."
Beth Knudson told me that she gets two meals out of a hamburger and fries. She added that she is good at eating exactly half the burger and half the fries. I pictured Beth holding a ruler while eating exactly half of each french fry.
I talked to Tom Donovan. It’s good to talk to a local who hadn’t yet gone to pasture in Texas. Tom had bought a Powerball ticket for a chance to win $1.6 billion. He hadn’t won. He said that he wouldn’t have been surprised if I’d won.
I’d have been mighty surprised. I hadn’t bought a ticket.
Every person is searching for something
It was back in the days before I needed a password to do everything.
I’m a tall guy. My mother was a short gal.
That’s why I was the one standing on a stool that was knee high to a gnat, digging around in the tall shelves and trying to find something that my mother needed. It was something that she’d put away in a good place so she wouldn’t forget, thus guaranteeing that she’d forget.
I moved things about, sliding them here and there.
I must have been getting close to finding what I was searching for because a vase fell, hitting me in the head before it smashed into over five pieces on the floor.
As I rubbed my head, Mother complained, "That was my best flower vase."
I replied, "That was my best head."
I’m negotiating the movie rights.
Cold and cool
The January weather was cold, making the terra really firma.
People were willingly jumping out of the frying pan into the fire when I tried to whistle the theme from "The Andy Griffith Show," but it came out as an icicle two choruses long.
I needed to get home to do an interview on a radio show from Boston. Such things are always fun and they keep me both humble and grateful.
Years ago, Smithsonian Magazine did a piece about me. It had been a slow year for news, but it was cool.
Arriving home one day, my wife had presented me with a stack of phone calls that I needed to return. I worked my way through the calls. One was from the Minneapolis newspaper.
"Wow!" I thought, "They want to talk me to me about the Smithsonian article."
I called the number. The person on the other end of the line thanked me for returning her call before saying, "I wanted to make you aware of our 26-week special subscription rate."
You could hear the air escaping from my swollen head like that fleeing a punctured balloon.
Dialogue from a marriage
"Do you know where my good white shirt is?"
"Didn’t you put it away?" my wife asked in return.
"I did," I said, wondering what that had to do with anything, before adding, "Do you know where it is?"
Flying fish
I was in Seattle for work. I decided to visit the world famous Pike Place Fish Market, an open air fish market located at the corner of Pike Street and Pike Place. It’s known for its tradition of fishmongers throwing fish to one another. It’s a popular tourist destination and as you might expect from a popular tourist destination, it’s a busy place. Except on the day I visited. It was so quiet, I could hear a fin drop.
Nature notes
"Why don't birds get shocked when they sit on high voltage lines?" When they’re in contact with only one power line, they’re not forming a complete circuit, so the electricity doesn’t flow through them. Some larger birds have been electrocuted when they touch a second line, completing the circuit.
Meeting adjourned
Be kind. Sooner or later, you will need a favor from most everyone in the world.