Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
My uncle Ralph died.
I’m sorry to hear that. Were you two close?
He was like an uncle to me.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I don't need a weathervane to know which direction the wind is blowing. There are discarded plastic bags everywhere. When driving around the countryside and trying not to look at plastic bags, I’ve noticed that many farmers are hoarders. They specialize in rocks. I drove down the highway behind a police car. That experience was so relaxing when compared to having a police car behind me.
The cafe chronicles
He had a beard like a field of wheat. His eyes caught the attention of a waitress as if he were a frog snatching a fly out of the air.
He teased me about the shirt I was wearing. He said that it looked like a landfill. I told him that I’d consulted my wife before putting it on. What I didn't tell him was that when I’d asked her what would go with the shirt, she had told me that there was no clothing made that would go with the shirt.
The elevator
I spoke at a thing in Iowa City. I got into a hotel elevator with more than enough people in it. I hoped that it was going down, because I didn't think it’d have been able to go up. Earlier, I had stood in a cemetery on a rainy day at the College of Saint Benedict as I said a prayer for my wife's aunt Alice. It seemed like the right thing to do. Alice had just died. I'm sure she took the elevator up.
Hurling for distance and accuracy
The cat threw up. It’s her way of saying good morning. It was a trophy-sized hairball. If she had been wearing tights, it’d have been a demonstration of one of her superpowers. Call it what you want — barf, blow lunch, heave, bring up or hurl. Hurling is a sport in Ireland. I’ll bet cat upchucking is impressive there.
The phone rang after 10 o'clock that night. I feared that someone had died. I wanted to put my hands over my ears and ignore the phone. I do that at wedding dances. I don't do it so I can’t hear a phone. I do it because the music of the DJs has become too loud for me. So I hold my hands over my ears, which have become sensitive to loud sounds. There I sit, a dork with hand-covered ears, as a few dancers shuffle about the floor. Some nice person always asks me, "Are you O.K.?"
I guess no one is ever completely O.K., but I reply, "I'm trying to hold a thought."
As to the phone call, a loved one had gone into the hospital. Thankfully, she was quickly released.
Meanwhile, the cat was trying to hold both a thought and a hairball.
The amazing flying machines of Hobby Lobby
I was in a parked car in Mankato, in of all things, a parking lot outside of Hobby Lobby. My wife was in the store. I belong to the Harried Husbands’ Union (HHU) that forbids me to enter certain stores. It was a warm day, so I rolled down a window and began to read a book that had been downloaded onto my cellphone. I didn’t know that the Air Force Thunderbirds were in town. I watched as five jets of this elite, precision-flying team zoomed overhead performing incredible acrobatic maneuvers at 400 mph. Somewhere, penguins were tipping over. A barn swallow flew by the car. I turned to the video camera part of my cellphone. I wanted a video of the swallow flying accompanied by the sounds of the jets. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. The planets weren’t aligned and the time wasn’t available. My wife exited Hobby Lobby and we drove off under a cloud of contrails.
Nature notes
A reader asked about a bald cardinal visiting a feeder. This condition is caused by an unusual molt pattern. The feathers will grow back. You might see the bird wearing a baseball cap until that happens.
Meeting adjourned
"Unexpected kindness is the most powerful, least costly, and most underrated agent of human change." — Bob Kerrey