Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
My car makes funny noises.
That’s no surprise.
Why do you say that?
There is a clown driving it.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Where I live, everybody knows a guy who knows a guy with a truck.
The cafe chronicles
It was hard to hear over his loud shirt. He claimed being so short that he had to look up to see down. The local population grew as the number of people younger than him increased yearly. He’d seen a lot in his day, most of it on TV.
The waitress said, "Please listen carefully as our menu has changed. The special is alphabet soup with a spell checker. What would you like?"
The man replied, "The special at half the price and a dinner roll to put under the leg to balance the table."
She brought him a pine float — a glass of water with a toothpick in it.
Car cares
It’s nice having a gallon of gas cost less than a cup of coffee. I drive. I don't drink coffee.
A family matriarch was pulled over three times during her motoring career--twice for driving too slow and once for attempting to drive too slow.
I don’t have bumper stickers. I’m thinking of getting one reading, "Save the turn signal."
Each winter, I wish my car were the color of road salt. A friend groused that a feral shopping cart had dinged his new car. It could be worse.
Oscar will rebound
I sat in the bleachers, having watched a B-squad basketball game and waiting for the varsity game to begin. I was eating a bag of salt that needed more popcorn. A woman carrying a baby carrying a huge grin stopped to talk to my wife. She said that she had two children, the baby and a teenager. She thought the spread in years was good. By the time the youngest started hating her parents, the older child would start loving them again.
Donna Swenson of Waseca said that her young grandson Henrik told his mother Jodi, "Mom, don’t go upstairs, even if you hear Oscar yelling, "Help me."
Henrik had locked his brother in a closet.
Dying words
An issue for a tissue offers many euphemisms for death such as: Passed away, kicked the bucket, gave up the ghost, bought the farm, got out of the canoe, checked out, bit the dust, crossed over, tipped over, entered the sweet hereafter, resting in peace, slipped away, called home, gone to his reward, laid down his burden, no longer with us, in search of other opportunities, shuffled off this mortal coil, took a harp, answered God's call, gone to eternal rest, met his maker, keeled over, transitioned, left the building, caught the last train, pushing up daisies, at the pearly gates, singing with the heavenly choir, the credits are rolling, took the big bus, having a dirt nap, at peace or with the angels.
When passing a casket, we say, "He looks good."
I asked my neighbor Crandall what he’d like to hear when laid in his casket.
He answered, "He’s moving!"
Telling stories
I’d just recorded 12 hours of TV shows without using a script. The director asked how I could do that. It’s not that hard. Any old farmer could talk that long about picking rocks. Ask him questions and press "record" on an electronic device. If you’re interested and listen, he’ll tell stories and you’ll have a precious record of family history.
Customer comments
Keith Batt of Bellingham, Washington, told me that he’d eat vegetarian lasagna only if it had been rubbed against a cow.
Judy Schmidt of Big Lake said that if it isn’t chocolate, it isn’t candy.
Marvin Christiansen of Hartland enjoys woodworking. In the process, he nicked a thumb. His doctor said that a woodworker like Marvin could expect to sacrifice a bit of a digit every five years. Marvin kept at it, not selling his woodworking equipment until the five years had nearly ended.
Russ Anderson of Albert Lea wore an antique "Taft for President" button pinned to his coat. Russ collects campaign buttons. Someone offered him $100 for it. Russ declined. His reasoning? He had $100, but he wasn’t sure he could find another button like it.
Nature notes
It’s a persistent myth that duck’s quack doesn’t echo. It does, but it’s typically too quiet to hear.
Meeting adjourned
"You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late."--Ralph Waldo Emerson