Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
I lost my wedding ring.
Oh, no. Do you know where you lost it?
Yes, in the divorce.
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: time disappears while you're trying to find it.
I’ve learned
• A liar’s pants don’t really catch on fire.
• Charlie Brown taught us that grief is good.
• The most effective part of a home remedy is the home.
The news from Hartland
• Watch leeches guard Sushi’s Bait Shop.
• The Bath Ambulance Service reminds everyone, "When seconds count, we’re just minutes away."
• Study finds that real-life violence leads to violence on TV.
Ask Al
• "What can I do to curb greenhouse gases?" Paint your house a different color.
• "How do you decide when to attend a funeral?" I wait until the person is dead.
• "How do crickets make sounds by rubbing their legs together?" They wear corduroy pants.
Up the street, the snow was coming down
Misery loves company. That's why it hangs out with winter.
Victor Hugo wrote, "Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face."
Bill Thompson of Marietta, Ohio, said that on his visit to Minnesota in February, the snowplows were always headed the wrong direction.
There are more miles than snowplows.
Pete Steiner of Mankato calls this year’s version the "energizer winter." It just keeps going and going and going."
Icealanche
The iced tea was nearly gone. The ice in the glass stuck to it until I tipped it too severely. Then it became an icealanche, creating a small problem on my lap.
We all have problems. I'll bet you’d like to do away with yours, wouldn’t you? It’s easy.
Open a new folder on your computer and name it, "Your problems." Then hit the "delete" key. Your computer will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete 'Your problems' permanently?" Click "Yes" and your problems will be gone.
The five-day forecast
I walked into the biting wind. Tears ran. The wind was against me. On my return walk, the wind was at my back. That was good. It was more fun going home then leaving.
Winter is a Janus season. It has two faces — both frozen. Sunlight leaned through a window. It delighted me, but it did even more. It brought hope. We can take the cold as long as the sun shines, the result of a solar energy spill. I felt good until I listened to the five-day weather forecast. Here it is.
What?
Are you kidding me?
No way!
Why does anyone live here?
Run for your lives!
Off to see the blizzard
I spoke in Hibbing. A woman said she used a gazinta during her childhood. To me, a gazinta is something used by Jethro Bodine on the old TV series "The Beverly Hillbillies" to indicate he was practicing his division. You know, two gazinta six, three times. Gazinta is "goes into." The woman meant something else. To her, a gazinta was a whispering kettle, slop jar, or chamber pot. A portable vessel used in a bedroom as a toilet.
Hibbing was the home of singer Bob Dylan, basketball player Kevin McHale, baseball player Roger Maris, businessman Jeno Palucci, Governor Rudy Perpich, and attorney Vincent Bugliosi.
While driving there, I watched the changing of drivers on an entrance ramp. The couple high-fived as they passed the front of the parked car on their way to new positions.
We celebrate minor victories when winter has been here since fall.
Ground blizzard
I remember when we didn't have ground blizzards. Those were the good old days. A ground blizzard makes for longer drives and caused the postponement of my appearance at the New Richland Public Library on February 26. I’ll be there on April 30 at 7 p.m. I look forward to seeing you.
Customer comments
• Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario, wrote, "I didn't watch the Olympics. I don't support winter."
• John Hurd of North Mankato sent this, "Some people make lemonade when they are given lemons, some people get snow and have snow fun."
Did you know?
• Six percent of users name their cellphones.
• Nimrod, a mighty warrior and hunter, was Noah’s great grandson.
• Research suggests that ascending one step at a time burns more calories than taking multiple stairs at a time.
Nature notes
Bob Hess of Luther, Mich., asked about the color change of goldfinches. Starting in September, for six to eight weeks, American goldfinches molt all their feathers, growing a new set of drab-colored feathers going into winter. In spring, tired of resembling accountants, they grow new body feathers. The male acquires a bright, yellow breeding plumage, but his wing and tail feathers remain from the fall. As these feathers age, their pale buff edges fade, leaving them black.
Meeting adjourned
"Kindness wields a sword of light against the darkness." — Richelle Goodrich