Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“Man, I love salt. I put it on almost everything I eat.”
“You know, eating that much salt is a slow death.”
“That’s OK, I’m in no hurry.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: There is no good weather or bad weather. There is only weather.
The news from Hartland
• The blizzard of Oz hits the Emerald City.
• High school band member is suspended for an act of cymbal disobedience.
• Local business makes bandstands by removing the chairs.
The cafe chronicles
A group of widowers and bachelors meet each morning for coffee. They call themselves the ROMEOs, Real Old Men Eating Out.
The "Eating Out" is a misnomer. All they do is drink decaffeinated coffee.
The waitress had made it her life’s goal to sell food to one of the ROMEOs.
They teased her by asking what the specials were and if the pie was from this century, but they ordered nothing but coffee.
"What is the soup du jour?" asked one of the Romeos.
The waitress perked up. No ROMEO had ever asked her that before.
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," said the ROMEO. "What is it now?"
Maybe not to the nines, but he was dressed at least to the fives
The high school basketball coach wore a suit and tie to the game. He had not dressed up like that for a game before. His team, firmly entrenched near the bottom of the conference, was playing the undefeated conference leader.
When asked why he’d donned the dandy duds, he replied, "I dress up when I go to a funeral."
His team lost, but played well.
Maybe it was the suit.
Winter weary
It was stupid cold. I rejoiced that the temperature wasn’t in Celsius. I was hunkered down somewhere in Minnesota. Everywhere looks similar in a blizzard. Someone had flipped winter’s "on" switch and forgot to turn it off. We are filled to the brim with snow, cold, ice, and wind.
We have the winter Olympics here every year. Only we call it getting out of the driveway.
It has been a long winter. I can tell. My snow shovel is bent from me leaning on it.
A customer of this column sent this written by The Bard of Sherman Avenue, "Below zero or snowing? Not likely, he's going."
I enjoy aphorisms. An aphorism is a short pithy saying expressing a general truth. Yogi Berra is as famous for his goofy aphorisms as he is for being a baseball player. Yogi said, "I really didn't say the things I said."
Mark Twain is credited for offering fresh words of essential wisdom long after his death. It’s highly unlikely that Albert Einstein ever said, "Compound interest is man’s greatest invention" or "The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax," two statements credited to him.
There are many aphorisms about winter. Few are printable.
We have developed a winter-take-all attitude. There is a 50-50 chance that winter will end early. It either will or it won’t.
A thankless job
I watched workmen erect a new stop sign. Someone, a car or snowplow, had knocked the old one down.
They have a thankless job. They put up stops signs that people ignore whenever possible.
The only feedback they receive is when someone clips off one of their works.
Nature notes
"How do ducks' feet keep from freezing in open water this time of the year?" Waterfowl have a heat exchange system in their legs. It’s a specialized circulatory system designed to reduce heat loss through the feet when in cold water. The arteries and veins in the legs lie in contact with each other and function as a countercurrent heat exchange system to retain heat. It reminds me of the gurgling radiator in my junior high study hall. Arterial blood reaching the feet is cooled and venous blood reaching the core is warmed. A duck may further decrease heat loss by reducing the amount of blood flow to their feet at low temperatures by constricting the blood vessels in its feet. The core temperature of a duck standing on ice may be 104 degrees F, but its feet may be only slightly above freezing.
Meeting adjourned
"Every time you do a good deed, you shine the light a little farther into the dark. And the thing is, when you're gone, that light is going to keep shining on, pushing the shadows back."--Charles de Lint.