Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"You look good. How old are you?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know how old you are?"
"I used to, but I think I'm older than that now."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: patience is evident in each car going the speed limit.
I’ve learned
• If I want time alone, I should be punctual.
• Cameras in cellphones keep UFOs away.
• Cross country is a sport that is punishment for athletes in other sports.
I fall for it every year
The Christmas catalogs begin piling up. I can't turn around without a gardener showing me tomatoes, eggplants, or zucchini that they claim looks just like Richard Nixon. I rejoice in a time of the year that is too late to mow and too early to rake.
I need to summon my minions
My wife, The Queen B, and I ate at Dino’s Pizza in North Mankato. The pizza was good and the server friendly. I noticed a menu item for pizza for 300 offering 75 18-inch pizzas plus 75 pitchers of soda for only $1999.
I call it work
"So, what work do you do, then?" asked the man from Nebraska.
"I’m a writer and a storyteller," I said as proudly as a Minnesotan can say anything about himself.
"I worked in the blistering hot foundry. I mixed sand with clay and water to make sand molds. It was backbreaking work. So, what work do you do then?"
Customer comments
• Mark Christenson of Minneapolis sends this, "Never hold a grudge. If you do, you are allowing someone you don't like to live in your head rent free."
• We were talking about such things as the fair’s deep-fried butter on a stick and the habit many have of salting everything. Jack Moon of Kiester said that he has gotten to the point where he puts salt only on his food.
• I spoke at a reunion for the Albert Lea High School class of 1948. Wonderful people. They talked a bit about future reunions. One member of the class asked, "Is there money in the budget to get bigger nametags with larger print?"
• Andy Offutt Irwin of Covington, Ga. was on his way to a speaking engagement in Arkansas. He set his GPS for the city of Russell. The GPS took him there without a hitch. There was only one problem. His speaking engagement was in Russellville, not Russell. The two cities are 110 miles apart.
• Dan Bagley of Nevada, Iowa went to high school in Nebraska. After the graduation ceremony, the graduates were told that they had two hours to vacate the premises or be arrested.
• Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario wrote, "Met up with a friend who I hadn't seen in several months. He gave me the best compliment I've had in years. He said: 'If I didn't know you already, I would look forward to meeting you.'"
• Bob Johnson of almost everywhere sent this, "I changed the voice on my GPS to a British man’s, because the lady giving directions sounded too much like my ex-wife."
• Alice Zacherle of Napa, Calif. said that there are so many fat-free foods available today, that she wonders where all the fat went.
• Grant Olson from Seed Savers in Decorah told me that he and his bride honeymooned in Quebec. There they enjoyed maple syrup pie and poutine. Poutine is a Canadian dish, made with french fries topped with brown gravy and cheese curds. It’s health food, but it might not be good health food.
• Anne McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario asked why pirates are called pirates. Her answer was, "They just arrrr!"
Nature notes
Janice Van Wilgen of Hollandale sent me a photo of a baldheaded cardinal and wondered what was going on. I see cardinals and blue jays in this condition each summer. Having a bad feather day makes the birds look like tiny vultures or reptiles. As a boy, I was told that mites--possibly disease or diet, caused such a condition. Nobody ever mentioned stress. I believe there is another reason for the odd look. An abnormal molt occurs on some birds that causes them to lose their head feathers simultaneously. Most examinations of the birds in this circumstance show no mites or disease, but there will be more research. The feathers grow back so there is no need to start a Hair Club for Cardinals. I can't address what impact baldness might have on a bird’s self-esteem.
Meeting adjourned
Kind acts improve with practice.