Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I’ve decided to stop feeling guilty about everything."
"How does that make you feel?"
"Guilty."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: with great power comes a great electric bill.
I’ve learned
• If my first guess is wrong, I should always go with my second guess.
• Nobody cares what kind of a car I drive.
• Everything and everyone is interesting.
The news from Hartland
• Rash of skinned knees believed to be the work of Jack the Tripper.
• Ringleader arrested at jewelry store.
• Senior Citizen Center Dance Contest winner credits leg cramp for his unique steps.
Ask Al
• "Have you ever seen the Catskill Mountains?" No, but I’ve seen what they can do to mice.
• "Why are some upscale restaurants so dark inside?" Because people eat less when they can’t see the food.
• "Does Hartland have a city celebration?" You bet. It’s the Hartland Humidity Festival. Come and sweat on the sidewalks while eating walking hamburger gravy on mashed potatoes from an old popcorn box.
T-shirts seen at the county fairs
• You lost me at "Hello."
• I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes a couple of days gang up on me.
• There’s a place for all God’s creatures...right next to the potatoes and gravy.
Fair memories
I watched a boy find a dollar bill in the garbage. I suspect that boy looked in every garbage receptacle at the fair.
I was on stage with a banjo player. He told me that it was easier to tune a chainsaw than to tune a banjo. I think it’s easier to tuna fish than it is to tune a chainsaw.
I picked up a free flyswatter at a county fair. I have a wedding anniversary coming up and, coincidentally, it’s our flyswatter anniversary. That’s one of the big ones. Next year is our fiber anniversary.
Sliding away
My wife and I walked the fairgrounds with some grandchildren. We looked at those scary rides that spin a passenger seriously before providing a sudden change of altitude.
I don’t need to go on any wild rides. I can get the same feeling by getting up quickly from a chair.
It was decided that several of the youngsters would go on a large slide. There was only one problem. The kids on the slide didn't slide. They had to work their way down like inchworms with ride tickets. There was no worry about sliding into the beer garden or suffering a dreaded slide burn.
Car talk
I saw a vanity license plate at a fair that read, "GOTTA P."
Another on a small car said, "I go where I’m towed."
A car passed me on the highway as if I were backing up. It carried a bumper sticker reading, "You are loved." I felt passed.
Customer comments
Jim Borkowski of Crookston grew up in Kiester. Jim believes that if a city has a Walmart, it's not a small town.
A young Iowa farmer told me that while planting corn, he became stuck eight times in one day. A common complaint of humans is that the days are too short. I’ll bet he thought that particular day was much too long.
Barb Quillen told me that her grandmother, Bertina Olson, didn’t like grapefruit. She went so far as to say that grapefruit might have been God’s only mistake.
Did you know?
• The Steele County Fair had a 2012 estimated attendance of 321,926 over six days. It drew 5,000 during its first fair in 1918.
• A freegan is someone who practices the reclaiming and eating of food that has been discarded. Dumpster diving is one method. This means that raccoons are freegans.
• Gary Larson, creator of the cartoon "The Far Side" said that as a child, "I'd throw red ants in with black ants, and then play war correspondent."
Nature notes
Jean Schlegel of Rochester asks why birds sing so early in the morning. I thrill to the dawn chorus of birdsong. Many birds sing before sunrise, which is too early for some people to appreciate. Some scientists believe that early morning is the best time for males to attract females or to proclaim territory. The light is too dim to forage efficiently, so singing makes good use of a bird’s time. Weather conditions are often calm in the early day, allowing songs to travel a good distance and human sounds are at a low point. Claude Monet said, “I would like to paint the way a bird sings.”
Meeting adjourned
Kindness is the key to a heart.