Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I fixed your kitchen sink, but I’ll need to be paid from the time I left home."
"That seems fair. When did you leave home?"
"When I was 18."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, it’s because their water bill is higher.
The news from Hartland
• Superman punches kitten as witnesses do nothing.
• Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels Septic Pumping Service opens for business.
• Dougie of Dougie’s Do-It-Yourself store asks that you kindly refrain from asking any of his employees for help.
Losing the Batt family fortune
You can lose money faster at a casino than you can lose pocket change in a recliner. I visited a casino not long ago, having never bet a cent at such an enterprise. I ended up betting a dollar in a penny slot machine. A slot machine is a cash redistribution system. It can take a long time to lose a dollar in one, but I managed. I’d be up a few cents, then down a few cents. Like most gamblers, my down overcame my up.
I noticed a couple I knew at the one-armed bandit next to me. In the midst of small talk, I was informed that the husband had recently taken a hearing test. The wife spilled the beans. I asked if his hearing had declined.
The wife replied, "He went from not listening to me, to being unable to listen to me."
Alas, poor broccoli
I stopped at a farmers market last summer. It was rightly called a "farmers market." It’s a descriptive phrase, not a possessive one. No apostrophe needed. I watched people examine fruit and vegetables. We each have a technique. Most folks frown at prospective produce purchases. I can’t remember the last time I saw someone smile at an eggplant. I hold produce near to my ear in case there is something it wants to tell me. Some look at a vegetable as if they’d never seen sweet corn before. Others hold a tomato as though they were thinking of something else. Yet others stare so intently at a green pepper in the hand that I expect them to spout the words of Hamlet, "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him." Shakespeare’s words are often misquoted as "Alas poor Yorick, I knew him well." The actual quote is, "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at it."
That Hamlet could slobber a bib full. Hamlet said this in a graveyard as he looked at the skull of Yorick, a court jester he’d known as a child and for whom he grieved. Still, it might be worth saying it to a watermelon in order to determine its goodness.
Did you know?
• Sliced bread sold for the first time in 1928.
• Gravity, Iowa has this motto, "If Gravity goes, we all go."
• The United States Postal Service introduced ZIP codes in 1963.
Customer comments
• Harvey Berg of Waseca offered this wisdom, "Always get the cage before you get the bird."
• Loren Skelton of Missoula, Mont. sees signs reading, "Montana is full."
• Terry Sibilrud of Tavares, Fla. said, "It’s better to be seen than to be viewed."
Nature notes
Elaine Seath of Hartland asked if mothballs repel deer. Mothballs are toxic if ingested, their vapors can cause health problems in an enclosed space, and they can be dangerous to pets. Mothballs should be used only to kill moths. According to Clemson University, mothballs don’t repel wildlife. A tall exclusion fence works best to deter deer. We try many things to curb deer — perfumed cotton balls, human hair, Irish Spring soap, hairspray, computer discs on wire, rotten eggs, predator urine, and fabric softener sheets. Hungry deer aren’t easily discouraged. A University of Nebraska study found mothballs to be the second least effective of 15 repellents tested. Only creosote ranked lower. The top three in effectiveness were a commercial repellent, meat meal containing animal residues, and chicken feathers. Some commercial repellents appear to work, but need to be applied often — especially after rain or heavy dew. Don’t use mothballs inside attics, crawl spaces, gardens, trashcans, or vehicles. Placing mothballs in an attic to repel squirrels usually results in a persistent and noxious odor and squirrels.
Meeting adjourned
Laugh when you can, apologize when needed, don’t hold grudges, and be kind always.