Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
"I heard a noise in my kitchen in the middle of the night."
"What was it?"
"The leftover ham in the refrigerator."
"The leftover ham was making noise?"
"Not anymore."
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: If you ever become lost, follow the first pizza delivery car you see. At least that way you'll have pizza.
I’ve learned
You don’t need Facebook to like things.
When it comes to half-truths, people usually remember the wrong half.
Locally grown pineapple tastes like corn.
The news from Hartland
Someplace Else Bar opens for those people who’d like to go someplace else.
Oops Tattoo Parlor opens and promises, "Tattoos while you wait."
Ug Lee’s Junkyard offers the insides of the rusting hulks of cars as mini-storage units.
Ask Al
"Do you believe in Sasquatch?" Of course. It’s a common creature that steps in front of people while their photos are taken for driver’s licenses.
"Why would anyone eat insects?" It’s simple — more drumsticks.
"Why are sleeveless shirts called T-shirts?" Why not? They don’t come when they're called anyway.
The worst cold in history
I felt cold. I’m rarely chilly. That meant I had a cold. A summer cold. I put on warm socks and thought about eating horseradish on a wheat cracker. Had it been a foul tip that hit me, at least I could have rubbed a little dirt on it. I had chills, a headache, and aching joints. My wife wrote notes she presented to me at the end of a 10-foot pole. I felt like a cat, useless if I didn’t get my 23 hours of sleep each day. It was the worst cold in the history of mankind. It was. I looked it up. It was worse even than those TV commercials for lawyers. My appetite deserted me. I had a breakfast of ginger ale and roasted almonds. I was in no danger of foundering. I considered using leeches to restore my pluckiness. I opted for eating all the pineapple I could to combat the cold. I think that worked, but I tend to be right or wrong. I’m pretty sure I’m right about that. Or as my wife says, "That always happens sometimes."
Those thrilling days of yesteryear
I sat down on a beat-up metal chair outside the old farmhouse. The sun was still at work. I relaxed myself into becoming a passive solar collector. Whether the weather is cold or whether the weather is hot, we'll weather the weather whatever the weather whether we like it or not.
I was waiting for my date, who would later become my wife.
I could hear her mother talking, more than loud enough for me to hear, to her eldest daughter, "He doesn’t sound like a good boy."
"Oh, he is," my future bride protested. "If he weren’t, he wouldn't be doing 200 hours of community service."
It wasn’t all my fault. When I bugged my mother when I was a small boy, she’d say, “If you don’t stop it, I’m going to go crazy.”
My response was always, "I want to go, too, Mommy."
To an English teacher
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
To whom.
Customer comments
Mike Bennett of Albert Lea is an avid golfer. He told me that he always shoots par. As soon as his score hits 36, he stops playing.
A reader from Madison, Wis. asked if I’d mention Delbert Willert and his 4-H project. The 16-year-old Lake Benton student researched the GSI Res-Q Tube. It’s a device used to free people from grain bins. It's a long, lightweight aluminum tube that separates into four panels that are pushed into the grain surrounding a trapped person. The tube keeps grain from burying a person so that rescue workers can do their jobs. Willert raised $17,000, enough money to buy one for every fire department in Lincoln County. His good work has already saved a life.
Nature notes
Mallard ducklings are precocial. That means they are able to feed and move about on their own shortly after hatching. They remain dependent on their mother for guidance, protection, and waterproofing for 42-60 days. Altricial birds are the opposite of precocial birds. They hatch naked, blind, and helpless. They are featherless except for sparse down. They move little and are dependent on their parents for care. Hawks, owls, jays, doves, robins, crows, and herons are examples of altricial birds.
Meeting adjourned
You can’t fix yourself by breaking someone else. Be kind.