Echoes from the Loafers' Club Meeting
"It’s a good thing that I have a good memory for faces."
"Why is that?"
"Because I broke my shaving mirror this morning.”
Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Money is like underwear. There’s no need for everyone else to know you have it.
The news from Hartland
Ole’s Margarine Company announces that business has never been butter.
A duck flew up the elephant’s trunk at Bob’s Zoo and Windshield Repair. The elephant was arrested for snorting quack.
Non-resident deer hunters are allowed to shoot only non-resident deer.
Did you know?
A survey cited in The Wall Street Journal found that 59% of women admitted to having frequent problems in relocating their vehicles in parking lots. This same problem afflicts 42% of men.
Doctor, doctor, give me the news
Marci Fuller of San Benito, Texas, told me her doctor/husband tells many patients to go on "itos-free" diets. That means no Doritos, Fritos, burritos, Cheetos (qualifies on sound alone), or taquitos.
Restroom reflections
I was about to speak at a thing in Harlingen, Texas. I visited the bathroom first. Always a good idea. No one needs any extra stress. As I entered the necessary room, I met a man carrying one of those giant mugs. I reckon it held about five gallons of his favorite soft drink. That might be a slight exaggeration, but it was huge.
"You must have to make a lot of stops in rooms like this," I said.
He raised his mug as a salute in my direction and replied, "Endless."
Maybe he should drink the contents of his enormous mug only in restrooms.
Echoes from a church basement
We were talking of many things as we enjoyed good food in the church basement. Food always tastes better outside and in church basements. Anyway, we talked of many things. I thought of Lewis Carroll, who wrote in Through the Looking-Glass, "'The time has come,' the Walrus said, 'To talk of many things: Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax — of cabbages — and kings — And why the sea is boiling hot — And whether pigs have wings.'"
We didn’t actually talk about any of those things, but Pastor Ron Brey, a friend of long-standing, did say that it was hard to find funny sympathy cards. I had to agree.
Brain cramp
I got up from my office chair and walked into the living room. For no apparent reason. Or at least not for any reason that I could remember.
The cat that had been sleeping on the sofa, suddenly awakened, jumped to the floor, and walked resolutely down into the basement.
I hoped it remembered why it had gone there.
Customer comments
Arlene Bryson of Alden told me she has been experiencing some hearing loss that is most noticeable in rooms crowded with people. She said when talking to people in such situations, she has learned to smile a lot and to refrain from nodding.
Nature notes
A caller asked what ants do during the winter? Smart ones crawl to Arizona. Some ants can adjust the structure of their nests to help regulate the internal temperature. Anthills act as solar-collectors, increasing the temperature inside. When it becomes too cold, the ants retreat deeper underground, below the frost line. Carpenter ants live in nests in wood. Wood is a good insulator, but freezes in winter. The ants enter a state of slowed metabolism called “diapause.” Generally, the queen stops laying eggs. The workers begin to mass more than before. Cold weather doesn’t stop some ants from being active in buildings. A common indoor winter ant is the pavement ant. The reddish-brown pavement ant is 1/8-inch long. Pavement ants typically nest in the soil under stones, bricks, sidewalks, or driveways. When the nest is kept warm from a building’s heat, the ants stay active, move through the cracks in concrete, and actively forage for food and water. Pavement ants prefer to feed on greasy food such as meat, dry pet food, and peanut butter. Not all ants seen during winter are pavement ants. You may also see carpenter ants, Pharaoh ants, yellow ants, and thief ants.
Meeting adjourned
Dr. A. J. Cronin prescribed an unusual treatment for some of his patients who were feeling blue. He insisted that for six weeks a patient say, "Thank you" for every kindness and keep a record of this gratitude. According to Dr. Cronin, he had a remarkable cure rate.